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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let mum and new husband stay with me on my wedding night

78 replies

LollyBee887 · 26/09/2019 16:14

So, long story short, I will have to get legally married rather quickly (UK citizen living in France - was already engaged just speeding up the process). We'll have a small ceremony in December with close family from both sides. A larger ceremony will be planned around March 2020.

Here's the dilemma: my mum wants to stay at my house with her new husband.

I've met her husband three times, each for 5/10 minutes (v.v.quick marriage Bear) and while he's nice enough he's still a stranger. I'm very nervous around new people (especially men) and like don't really like sharing my personal space with strangers.

When I bought up the idea of her leaving husband behind she wasn't having any of it (wasn't worth the argument) and when I asked where she was staying she was shocked at the mere thought of staying at a hotel.

When I asked if she was going to take a hotel on my wedding night she was even MORE shocked and then said "she'll be upstairs and put earplugs in Hmm).

So MN, do I let my mum and her "hubby" stay upstairs or do I stand my ground and make her take a hotel?

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 26/09/2019 16:47

Tell her she can stay at your house, and you and new DH go to a lovely hotel!

jiskoot · 26/09/2019 16:50

I'm getting married this Saturday, reception at a barn at our house and I've got a gaggle of people staying. Mum and dad and Auntie in the house, two groups camping outside....doesn't bother me. I figure we'll be too knackered to get up much that night!

We are in the middle of nowhere though so didn't want to make my parents drive 30 mins to the next town, had there been a hotel nearby though I may have changed my mind.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/09/2019 16:51

I'm in the minority here...if you've got a good relationship I'd let her stay. She is travelling to see you get married not trying to use you as a free gite. But I am of the view that if you've lived with your fiancé for a while beforehand it's just another night at home. A lot of people I know were actually too tired / drunk / hungover to actually be intimate on their wedding night or the next morning. If you really want to make it special then you can always stay in a hotel?

GreenTulips · 26/09/2019 16:52

Ask her is she knows how to work the camera!!
My parents married when I lived at home and I made myself scarce!!

saraclara · 26/09/2019 16:54

"I'm sorry mum, but having people staying in the house while wedding preparation is going on would be really stressful, whoever those people are. And likewise when we return to the house, we would like to have that wind down time as just us."

Original poster
LollyBee887 · 26/09/2019 16:55

Thanks for confirming that I'm not a spoilt brat!

Like a previous poster said I was looking forward to having a lie in, in our bed with my DH so I wasn't especially keen to book a hotel.

No details have been booked so I'm not sure how long she'll intend to stay but I'm guessing it'll be the better part of a week.

Hotels in my area are not too expensive €70-100 for a night but she doesn't want to fork out for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LollyBee887 · 26/09/2019 16:56

@TooGoodToBeTrue GrinGrin

OP posts:
diddl · 26/09/2019 16:57

"if you've got a good relationship I'd let her stay."

It might also depend on Op's house though.

Also, is she likely to make any remarks at breakfast the next morning?

It the end of the day if having him/them stay over would make you uncomfortable then it has to be a no.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/09/2019 17:04

fuck NO... Hotel every time Flowers

WhatTiggersDoBest · 26/09/2019 17:07

What? WTF?? No! She can sod off! Why would anyone want to do this?? My sister tried this and I told her flatly no. She caused drama about it and other wedding stuff (she wanted to be a bridesmaid but we weren't having any, etc) but at the end of my wedding I was really glad to go home to an empty house with my husband because that was one of the longest days of my life and I didn't want to be hosting people.

Drum2018 · 26/09/2019 17:08

Definitely a hotel.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 26/09/2019 17:09

You go on honeymoon to a nice hotel
Stay 2 nights OR just book a late late checkout.

Flippetydip · 26/09/2019 17:15

Get her an Air bnb which will be cheaper but don't let her stay at yours!

timshelthechoice · 26/09/2019 17:18

What in the name of fuck is she playing at? And just fuck YOU being expected to book and pay for somewhere else to make life easier on her and her new bloke. Just no, this is your wedding and your house! Can you imagine if your fiance posted on here exactly what your ma said to you asking if it's okay his MIL and her H he doesn't know well stay in the house on the wedding night and the earplugs comment?

This is just all kinds of wrong.

Fuck her 'having none of it'. This is YOUR house.

'No. Just NO and that needs to be clear. You need to get a hotel for you and your H. We want space and privacy for our wedding.'

And that's really it. She's too tight to fork out (bet your London to a brick she can afford it) then tough. She can AirB&B or wait till the big ceremony.

DPotter · 26/09/2019 17:23

Although it seems to be received wisdom on MN that each partner manages their own family - I think this is one occasion when a partner can safely take over communications - get your STB DH to call and tell her there's no way she's staying at yours on your wedding night or after the wedding at all. He can give her the contacts details of local hotels / pensions or offer to book one for her.

saraclara · 26/09/2019 17:26

Can you get other family members onside? You say that other close family is coming. Surely if one of them looked at her aghast and said "You're intending staying at Lolly's? Seriously? Are you insane?!" she'd get the picture.

timshelthechoice · 26/09/2019 17:29

The comment about putting earplugs in, just hell to the no. You don't need to justify this. Sounds like she has form for bamboozling you ('not worth the argument'; not taking 'no' for an answer). Now is the time to set some boundaries.

Embracelife · 26/09/2019 17:33

Book a hotel for you with late checkout

timshelthechoice · 26/09/2019 17:37

Why should the OP be turfed out of her own home and pay for it so her mum can take over on her wedding night and the morning after? Who'd want a late checkout, you can't come out naked and make breakfast together and shag on the table then?

Selmababies · 26/09/2019 17:38

Is your mother on glue? Shock

Having said that, if you got a lovely airbnb for a few days, you could totally relax and no one would know the address,,,,

MrsRufusdog789 · 26/09/2019 19:46

@FizzyGreenWater
Love that - cheeky entitled little steamroller ! - and so she is .

meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 04:30

That is cheeky.

The answer is no.

She gets a hotel.

You don’t know her husband, he’s a stranger to you. You suggested her leaving him at home.

Now is the time you start setting boundaries.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 27/09/2019 05:09

Somebody needs to get a hotel, either you and your new husband, or your mum and hers. Its up to you which you'd prefer, but make your choice and stand your ground, she is being ridiculous.

joystir59 · 27/09/2019 05:37

If I was your DP I'd be fuming.

Palaver1 · 27/09/2019 05:39

To the input Is her mum on glue that’s not very nice.
OP she’s your mum what do you want to do.Is the issue you don’t want her there with the new husband or you don’t want her there at all.
Get her to book a hotel give her the information letting her know why.
I personally had all my family over one of my better memories.
Depends on your relationship.