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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull my son out of preschool after just 3 weeks?

71 replies

CoffeeAndTheOcean · 26/09/2019 15:57

I would love to hear some perspective on this as my sisters and friends say I'm being precious. My ds, 2.9, has just completed his third week of preschool. He's there for 3 hours 5 days a week. The thing is he absolutely detests it. A little background, he's been with me since his birth and only ever been left for short periods with his grandmothers. We moved from Egypt to Ireland a year and a half ago so he understands a little bit English but mainly speaks Arabic. For this reason I knew nursery would be hard for him at first as they wouldn't understand him but thought he would benefit from a bit more socialising. First week was okay I guess, he wasn't upset at all, but the staff were complaining everyday to me about "discipline" saying he refuses to sit with them for table top activities and prefers playing on his own. Second week is where trouble started, he would cry all morning saying I don't want to go, and scream at drop off. After school I ask him if he liked anything there he says no just his toy that he brought from home. Every evening he would ask if he could stay home the next day and not go to school. The staff told me this is normal and I should just push through it and he would settle eventually. Third week comes and he starts acting out badly there, and he's NEVER done this with other kids before. After every session the staff is there to tell me he hits and pushes and whines and they're "wrecked from running after him". I take him to play groups and he's never acted like this. They told me I should be more firm with his discipline even though his behaviour is alright when he's with me so it's surprising to hear that. Also he spends a lot of time on "timeout" there. Today when he came home after nursery he had an epic unprecedented tantrum that lasted for an hour and a half over trivial things then finally he stopped crying and said "mommy I don't like school, I don't like -his carer's name- I don't want to go there please let me stay with you" and I knew instantly in my heart of hearts that pulling him out is the right decision as he doesn't seem happy there, so it would be useless and he wouldn't learn much. Most of my friends and family tell me that it's too early to judge the nursery and I should give him a couple of months to settle. I'm 4 months pregnant and could benefit from the break but wouldn't want to leave him there where he's labelled as the "naughty" kid. Aibu?

OP posts:

SallyLovesCheese · 26/09/2019 16:03

Early years teacher here. My issue would be that when he starts reception he may not be any better at being separated by you or interacting with his English- speaking peers. It can sometimes take a while but I firmly believe in sticking to your guns with situations like this.

Although it's disappointing to hear the nursery aren't properly supporting him and you in this tricky transition. I'd be asking for more from them. It's not fair or healthy for him simply to be labelled as the "naughty" child, there are other factors at play here.

Dieu · 26/09/2019 16:05

Hi OP. What a tricky situation. I work in a primary school with a pre-school attached, and have seen behaviour like this before. It largely stems from anxiety. When his anxiety goes away, you will once again see him return to his normal behaviour. You haven't seen this side to him, because he has never been away from you. Playgroups just aren't the same, in that respect.
It would be better to give him time to adjust, particularly before the baby is born ... BUT ... it doesn't sound like this pre-school has handled the situation well at all. Would it be worth trying another?

MsPavlichenko · 26/09/2019 16:07

I would not send my DC to a nursery where the staff said they were " wrecked" from looking after my, or any DC.

That said a better nursery would be an option.

Bringonspring · 26/09/2019 16:09

Oh poor you, I agree with a baby on the way and reception not too far away it maybe better to persevere now. Would he be any better going on the mornings? I ask only because my son at that age always use to get very tired in the afternoons and this impacted how he felt

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 26/09/2019 16:09

This pre-school doesn't sound best equipped to deal with a non-English speaking child and they're not supporting him well. They should be helping him more, not just shoving him in 'time out' every time he plays up. It will take a while for him to get used to being away from you, but a nursery or pre-school is a great environment for him to learn new skills and better English. I agree with pp that it might be better to look for another nursery.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/09/2019 16:10

If you know in your heart of hearts it's the right thing, then I think you have your answer.

I dont think pre school is bad for him but maybe this one is. I dont think they need to be disciplining a 3 year old boy for preferring to play on his own. I would try another one, or a private nursery that appears more gentle and has more physical activities that might suit him better. Could you speak a bit more English around him at home so it doesnt feel as alien to him before be tries again?

AlunWynsKnee · 26/09/2019 16:13

Does he have to go every day? Could you start with one morning a week? It's a big move to go from nothing to 5 days. Mine went once a week from 3 (and a childminder on another day). We increased it over time and neither had any problems starting school.
Perhaps a different pre school for fewer sessions would work.

MaryH90 · 26/09/2019 16:17

I teach nursery (3-4) I would say his behaviour sounds very similar to normal settling in behaviour but from what you are saying about the nursery they are not helping him settle appropriately. I would try a new nursery. Also as a teacher of a class which consists of about 80% children with EAL, please, please speak English with your child at home alongside Arabic. It will help him so much when it comes to settling into nursery and school and give him a chance to be on a level playing field with the other children in the long run.

WaynettaSlobOnTheSchoolRun · 26/09/2019 16:17

It sounds like a shit nursery. He's 2, school is years away, he's practically a baby still. He needs to be in a nurturing environment not being dumped into timeout, isolated, for being a confused baby in a new place with new people where he doesn't even speak the language. No way would I send my baby back there. Find somewhere that actually cares about their charges and has a gentle approach, and maybe send him 3x a week instead of 5. Even a great childminder could work. But not there.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 26/09/2019 16:18

If he’s not even 3 yet then school is at least 2 years away, so I wouldn’t consider that a reason to rush. It just doesn’t sound like this preschool is a good fit for him. I would definitely start taking him to more English speaking activities though. Does your local library have book bug or rhyme time sessions? That might be a good place to start.

itsstillgood · 26/09/2019 16:18

I would remove him from this preschool. They are obviously not equipped to support him. Complaining that a 2 year old would rather play than sit at a table I just can't get my head around. I would look around for somewhere better.

flamingjune123 · 26/09/2019 16:21

Remove him today. He's not happy and it's not absolutely,imperative for a child to attend nursery.

Zeusthemoose · 26/09/2019 16:23

You know you've done the right thing so don't question yourself. Maybe have let him a break from nursery then try a different one? As he's not 3 yet I wouldn't worry about how he will cope at reception if he's doing this now. It's almost 2 years away!
Maybe just start off 2 days a week rather than 5 and build up from there.

Butterymuffin · 26/09/2019 16:25

You need to speak English much more with him at home. That will work better coming from you first, then he'll be move comfortable playing with other kids. Maybe look for a different pre school to give him a fresh start?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/09/2019 16:30

I agree with PP's who are saying going from being with you every day to then going to preschool every day is too much for him. I would look for another pre-school and then start him off two days a week so he can build up to it gently. Encourage him to speak more english and hopefully he can just ease into it. I know it's so hard when they seems so upset but he needs to be used to being away from you by the time he starts school or it will be a nightmare. I only ever sent my DS to preschool 3 days a week much to the dismay of the staff there as they thought he should be going everyday but he was fine and the transition to school was fine.

gonewiththerain · 26/09/2019 16:31

I would look for a different preschool (I’m an ex teacher but not early years) and I would speak more English at home so he knows enough to get by.
My ds has just started a village preschool ages 2.3 and plays on his own a lot, is often sat on someone’s knee at story time. Its a gradual thing yes they have to be ready for school but not instantly before they’re 3!
Ask new preschools what strategies they would use to get him to socialise, concentrate on activities etc and make your decision from there.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 26/09/2019 16:32

I used to teach Kindergarten in China (not as a TEFL teacher) and have seen similar to this before.

My guess is the language issue might be the main problem. If he doesn't understand what he's supposed to do and they're not equipped to support him in learning (many teachers don't know how to handle this and it's gone over very quickly in teacher training), he won't do it and that's not his fault. If they're acting like that's a behavioural issue and speaking in negative/louder tones of voice to him, he will feel uncared for and upset and not want to go, possibly with acting out. If he doesn't understand the other kids' conversations, games etc, or is speaking to them in a language they don't understand, he will get left out which is frustrating for most adults let alone a two year old. I think he's lost confidence with this whole environment and to me a change of scene sounds like a good plan.

From what you've said, I think this nursery can't help your child or nurture them in the way he needs. Can you find a nursery with at least one teacher/worker who has experience working with EAL (English as an Additional Language) students, or a nursery with at least one other student who speaks Arabic? Someone who knows how to work with him (or is willing to learn) will go a long way towards making him feel confident at nursery.

Your English seems good, I would also suggest speaking mostly English to him at home so he can practice? He really needs one on one time at nursery for an hour or so a day with someone who can help him get a handle on the language he needs to socialize and follow what the teachers are saying, and ideally teachers who are speaking in a controlled vocabulary to him, using the same words for the same request each time etc.

Sparadrap · 26/09/2019 16:32

If the staff were being more positive I’d be inclined to keep him going there. However, they sound like they have taken a bit of a dislike to him and rather than encouraging him to enjoy himself are putting him in timeout.

I’d be looking for a less formal, more play based nursery. The 2 I sent mine to were like this. They wouldn’t have expected such a young child to sit at a table and engage in activities if they weren’t in the mood.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 26/09/2019 16:33

Sorry I meant preschool not nursery.

Hoppinggreen · 26/09/2019 16:35

Why is he going 5 days a week? Do you need the childcare?
My DS started 2 half days, then 2 full days and then 3 up until he started school. To go from nothing to 5 days is a lot for a child who has moved to a very different country and is only just learning English.
You do still have some time but you need to prep him for school because while you can pull him out of preschool it’s more complicated with proper school.

TheTrollFairy · 26/09/2019 16:35

I would be pulling my child out of that setting. I don’t think avoiding pre-school is the right thing to do either. Are there others you can look round and discuss your concerns with each place and then decide on which setting is the best for your son?

goldfinchfan · 26/09/2019 16:38

I think the DS is very young but he does need to understand more English before he is going to be happy.
I can imagine that it is very scary for him not being able to know what people are saying.

Also he is perhaps just too used to being with you.
Let him spend just a couple of sessions a week at first. A week is a long time for a 2 year old.

Please spend more time helping him with his ability to speak and listen in English and then much of his anxiety will go away.

i would also go to a different nursery

Preggosaurus9 · 26/09/2019 16:45

The pre school sounds crap OP. It is really worrying they are blaming him and your "discipline" for his behaviour. That is not normal or acceptable. Move him to a different one, it will be like night and day.

withlotsoflove · 26/09/2019 16:47

What is your first language op 🙂

DoctorAllcome · 26/09/2019 16:51

I agree with others. The nursery is not a good match for your son. I’d pull him out if I were you. Then after this 3rd birthday consider a different one but with half days...no more than 4hrs. Some kids just are not ready for any type of school setting. 2 is very young. He has until he is 5 to figure things out. That is plenty of time. Mine never went to nursery and didn’t start until age 5 on half days. They did just fine. Nursery is not necessary and skipping it does no harm if the child is more introverted anyway.
I agree too you should speak more English with him at home.

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