To pull my son out of preschool after just 3 weeks?

[CoffeeAndTheOcean]

I would love to hear some perspective on this as my sisters and friends say I'm being precious. My ds, 2.9, has just completed his third week of preschool. He's there for 3 hours 5 days a week. The thing is he absolutely detests it. A little background, he's been with me since his birth and only ever been left for short periods with his grandmothers. We moved from Egypt to Ireland a year and a half ago so he understands a little bit English but mainly speaks Arabic. For this reason I knew nursery would be hard for him at first as they wouldn't understand him but thought he would benefit from a bit more socialising. First week was okay I guess, he wasn't upset at all, but the staff were complaining everyday to me about "discipline" saying he refuses to sit with them for table top activities and prefers playing on his own. Second week is where trouble started, he would cry all morning saying I don't want to go, and scream at drop off. After school I ask him if he liked anything there he says no just his toy that he brought from home. Every evening he would ask if he could stay home the next day and not go to school. The staff told me this is normal and I should just push through it and he would settle eventually. Third week comes and he starts acting out badly there, and he's NEVER done this with other kids before. After every session the staff is there to tell me he hits and pushes and whines and they're "wrecked from running after him". I take him to play groups and he's never acted like this. They told me I should be more firm with his discipline even though his behaviour is alright when he's with me so it's surprising to hear that. Also he spends a lot of time on "timeout" there. Today when he came home after nursery he had an epic unprecedented tantrum that lasted for an hour and a half over trivial things then finally he stopped crying and said "mommy I don't like school, I don't like -his carer's name- I don't want to go there please let me stay with you" and I knew instantly in my heart of hearts that pulling him out is the right decision as he doesn't seem happy there, so it would be useless and he wouldn't learn much. Most of my friends and family tell me that it's too early to judge the nursery and I should give him a couple of months to settle. I'm 4 months pregnant and could benefit from the break but wouldn't want to leave him there where he's labelled as the "naughty" kid. Aibu?

Thank you for the replies. Much appreciated. I do agree that the language is a huge barrier for him. We decided to speak Arabic to him at home because it's a super difficult language and chances are he won't learn it later if he doesn't now. However, I do read to him books in both languages and he watches an hour of English cartoons daily. I ask him what the characters are saying and he seems to understand them but so far he hasn't spoken in English sentences, just saying random words.
It's nice to hear I'm not being dramatic about what I expect from the staff. I think I will pull him out for now and try a different preschool in a couple of months.

It sounds like a shit nursery. He's 2, school is years away, he's practically a baby still. He needs to be in a nurturing environment not being dumped into timeout, isolated, for being a confused baby in a new place with new people where he doesn't even speak the language. No way would I send my baby back there. Find somewhere that actually cares about their charges and has a gentle approach, and maybe send him 3x a week instead of 5. Even a great childminder could work. But not there.

I completely agree with this. The problem is the nursery not your son. Take him out, give him a small break then try again somewhere else, maybe building up to 5 days rather than all at once.

Perhaps you could find a smaller, kinder pre-school. There are usually Montessori schools around which is more self-directed learning and less group activity. This place sounds like they only want a certain personality of child, see if you can find somewhere with more experienced teachers/carers.

Also, you probably already know this, there isn't a set age for starting primary in Ireland so if you're worrying that he needs to be ready for Junior Infants in two years don't forget that he could start a year later if it suits him better.

Hi OP. I definitely think he will benefit hugely from attending preschool prior to starting school. Particularly to help with his language skills. The preschool he is at sounds as though they are not dealing with him very well and sound quite negative about him so if I were you I would look at some other places.

I think you have absolutely done the right thing taking him out, all this talk about 'pushing through' and 'he has to learn to settle before school' is rubbish.
He is a very young child who doesn't want to be seperated from his mum, perfectly normal, why would you traumatise him unnecessarily? he is telling you clearly that he wants to be home so let him be.
I was a SAHM with my 2 and neither went to nursery, or spent a night away from me until a few months before school, and then just for a couple of afternoons, they were 3 and a half and 4 respectively.
They were fine going to school and are the most independent 12 and 13 yr olds you could imagine now.
Listen to your son and you heart, but not to people who for some reason feel it is fine to seriously upset a tiny child for no good reason.

My eldest went to nursery at 2.5 and hated every minute of it. We pushed through for a whole year and it never improved. They then moved to a much bigger nursery at 3.5 and loved it. We didn't need to use the nursery at 2.5 but worried about "socialisation". I really regret not pulling my child out. It did them no good at all.

You don’t need to keep sending him to nursery if you don’t want to but you will have to work on the language and socialisation skills before he starts school. If you can do that another way then don’t keep sending him somewhere if he hates it.

To be honest, everything that you have said about that nursery makes it sounds like a absolutely awful nursery. I am not surprised that he hates it. My sons' nursery was utterly brilliant - it provided lots of opportunities for children and they freely chose what they did or did not want to do. He just isn't ready to be forced to do 'table top' activities.
And their attitude to him absolutely sucks.
Change nursery.

It’s really not uncommon for bilingual children to develop language overall slower, and especially to develop a second language slower.

You are doing the right thing by speaking Arabic to him at home, he will get English from the environment.

He will also go through phases of code switching where he will use grammar and words interchangeably for a while.

It might be worth having a direct conversation with the nursery manager about how they can support his language development at nursery and reminding them that his behaviour is a combination of anxiety and frustration due to communication issues.

It also might be worth shortening his time for a couple of weeks and trying to build it back up. If that doesn’t work or the staff don’t respond positively to a conversation then move him.

Above all don’t worry. At 22 months DS had 3 words of English, at 35 months he is using English completely age appropriately.

As you're in Ireland he will have his second year of paid preschool which will possibly be enough for him. The 2 years of preschool is a fairly recent change. When ds7 was younger there was only one year of preschool. So I wouldn't worry about taking him out. He's still quite young. I would however try to speak more English to him at home as it will be quite frustrating for him when he does go back if he's still speaking Arabic all the time. He needs to be able to communicate with other kids and understand the teachers. Try out toddler groups, your local library might do a reading morning for preschoolers, and find out if there are other kids of similar age you could invite over with their parent for a coffee, so he gets used to hearing English a lot more.

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is for you to retain Arabic as your main language at home. Is is essential for young children to develop fluency and more complex language structures in their mother tongue. Those who do will be able to learn a new language much more successfully in the long run.
Exposing children to English in short bursts for songs, TV, and games, especially when done so alongside the mother tongue is positive too.
Equipped with secure language skills in their mother tongue young children will learn a new language without issue.

And I wouldn't give up on a nursery/pre school setting of some sort, but see if you can find one where there is an understanding of the needs of a bilingual child to be! Perhaps start with 2 or 3 sessions a week rather than every day.
Good luck!

I think my hackles would have risen at them telling you to be stricter with him at home. I wouldn’t take kindly to the nursery telling me to modify my parenting to fit in with their requirements. For that reason alone YANBU to take him out. But I am not against nursery/preschool per se and hope you find another more suitable in due course. DS has a lot of children at his who speak another language at home (as do 75% of the staff) and it’s never been an issue.

You need a better nursery, that is disgusting talk for people who are supposed to enjoy working with children.
Could you not find one to incorporate both languages.

Hi OP,

I haven't rtft but my DC started preschool in September and has not long turned 2.

While we do have a little trouble at drop off, DC has started to settle quickly once I have gone, so think is becoming used to it. Although my DC doesn't speak yet so can't tell me he doesn't want to go.

I would question more the environment your child is in. I would be a bit miffed if I turned up to collect my child to the staff complaining to me that they are tired out from looking after the child, it sounds harsh, but that is what they are paid for! If they have concerns re behaviour, there are better and more constructive ways they can approach this so that you work together to make preschool a more enjoyable experience!

Is it possible that it's just the particular setting your DC is unhappy with? Is there another preschool you could consider?

Good luck OP

Take him out of there OP. He's only tiny and does not NEED preschool yet. My eldest daughter cried and cried at preschool, so I took her out and just took her to playgroups,soft play,parks etc most days instead. I tried her again at a different nursery when she was just turned 3 and she was absolutely fine. Not all children are ready so young, and with the language barrier your little one will of course be finding it especially hard bless him. In my opinion if you force him to go now, when he hates it so much, he may be put off school altogether.

www.brighton-hove.gov.uk/sites/brighton-hove.gov.uk/files/Understanding%20the%20Stages%20of%20Learning%20for%20Children%20with%20EAL.pdf

This may be useful for you to look at before considering different nurseries. Look especially at P9 re mother tongue fluency.

@Bringonspring
That's a really sensible suggestion to do me I mornings instead . . Our grandson was often tired by lunchtime . Sounds like the staff are tired tired too ! @CoffeeAndTheOcean try to change to mornings and persevere for another week . For his age your DS is able to express how he feels very well . Ask him to try for a little longer ?

Go with your gut feeling. Your family and friends may have their opinions about what you choose to do but you're the one who has to live with your choice. Their opinions are just fleeting thoughts of no consequence to them.

And to go completely against what I just said... I'd find a new nursery and start him off just an hour a day and build up the time he's there for. I've worked in a nursery and never heard of that sort of feedback been given to parents at the end of the day.

Take him out, a month is a long time at his age, a year is a lifetime. Let him settle at home first you know your kid best.

My kids are growing up bilingual and it took a long time before they used the second language that they will be educated in. If there are other nurseries I would love him. They should just play at that age, in any language it should be fun. My dd loves her second language playgroup and nursery.