To pull my son out of preschool after just 3 weeks?

[CoffeeAndTheOcean]

I would love to hear some perspective on this as my sisters and friends say I'm being precious. My ds, 2.9, has just completed his third week of preschool. He's there for 3 hours 5 days a week. The thing is he absolutely detests it. A little background, he's been with me since his birth and only ever been left for short periods with his grandmothers. We moved from Egypt to Ireland a year and a half ago so he understands a little bit English but mainly speaks Arabic. For this reason I knew nursery would be hard for him at first as they wouldn't understand him but thought he would benefit from a bit more socialising. First week was okay I guess, he wasn't upset at all, but the staff were complaining everyday to me about "discipline" saying he refuses to sit with them for table top activities and prefers playing on his own. Second week is where trouble started, he would cry all morning saying I don't want to go, and scream at drop off. After school I ask him if he liked anything there he says no just his toy that he brought from home. Every evening he would ask if he could stay home the next day and not go to school. The staff told me this is normal and I should just push through it and he would settle eventually. Third week comes and he starts acting out badly there, and he's NEVER done this with other kids before. After every session the staff is there to tell me he hits and pushes and whines and they're "wrecked from running after him". I take him to play groups and he's never acted like this. They told me I should be more firm with his discipline even though his behaviour is alright when he's with me so it's surprising to hear that. Also he spends a lot of time on "timeout" there. Today when he came home after nursery he had an epic unprecedented tantrum that lasted for an hour and a half over trivial things then finally he stopped crying and said "mommy I don't like school, I don't like -his carer's name- I don't want to go there please let me stay with you" and I knew instantly in my heart of hearts that pulling him out is the right decision as he doesn't seem happy there, so it would be useless and he wouldn't learn much. Most of my friends and family tell me that it's too early to judge the nursery and I should give him a couple of months to settle. I'm 4 months pregnant and could benefit from the break but wouldn't want to leave him there where he's labelled as the "naughty" kid. Aibu?

I think you should stick it out for longer and have a word with the staff about your DC's need for extra support. 3 weeks of 3 hours per day isn't that long when he's been thrown in at the deep end and not had a build up to going there daily.

You probably also need to speak more English to your child so that he integrates with the community quicker as this can only help him. He probably hasn't been helped by only being left for short periods with his grandmothers. Of course, he misses you.

If he hasn't mixed with other children before it must be a big shock to his system to have to go there every day but he will get used to it.

Do they know he is EAL and struggles with english (even though i assume he has got better since he arrived here)?

My experience is that some primary/nursery have no idea how to deal with a child who seems to understand english or is supposed to but actually doesnt.
They put a lot of the behaviour that is basic non understanding under 'being naughty' and it can then spiral out of control.
I think you need, at least, to have a chat with them. And i would acually enourage him to go to nursery because he will need to be fully confortable when he starts reception otherwise youll end up with many more tears
(or at least thats what happened wth my ds who started school with english as his minority language DESPITE having lived all his life in the UK and having spent time with a childminder AND nursery before primary)

Oh op lots of factors here, including his anxiety resulting in different behaviours, EAL and his age.

I do think this is transition is normal - BUT that's because of what's happening around him and not something he can control. I've worked in education for over 15 years and have seen it.

Have you considered a smaller setting with a childminder perhaps? Maybe that environment will allow him to settle.

Agree please speak English to him at home as well, this is something you should have done from the very beginning. Trust your gut, if you are not happy with the set up and their approach and find another nursery.

You probably also need to speak more English to your child so that he integrates with the community quicker as this can only help him.

sorry but fuck that!
That sort of commentshpws a total non understanding of issues related to being bilingual.
Yes this child will feel more confortable if he can spend time speaking english so he is more confortable. But it doesnt have to be at home. And pushing his mum to speak english to him is likely to end up with said child not speaking arabic at all a few years down the line.
this is NOT a good advice.

I definitely think that this nursery is not the best one for your son, I would really try and find another who could better support your child.
My son had lot of difficulty with his behaviour but his nursery was brilliant and couldnt do enough to help him.
Just wish he could be back there and not at school now where unfortunately all their hard work has been undone.

Could you try a childminder?

I'd be looking around for a different nursery/preschool

I'd trust my gut feeling and pull my child out under these circumstances.

But why not try another nursery or a childminder? It sounds like you need a break and he may enjoy a different setting -- this one sounds like a terrible fit.

His behaviour sounds normal, the nursery sound useless.

@crimsonlake, why???
they were not living in the uk.
Arabic is part of his identity and culture.
You have no idea what nationality his parents are. It could well be that NEITHER OF THEM are from english speaking countries.
And a child doesnt have to speak english at home for them to be able to speak english at school.
Before making 'helpful' comment, you might to wonder of you have any experince of raising a bilingual child. because 'speaking english at home'
1- doesnt mean the child is going to be confortable with english. My dc wasnt despite his dad being english and hearing english (but not only) at home
2- isnt always a good ides when engish is the second language of the parents anyway

@Myriade there is nothing wrong with patents speaking both languages at home. This will encourage him to speak both fluently not one or the other. The alternative in my experience is that if a child has difficulty at school because they know very little English (or none) they try to learn it as quickly as possible and sometimes reject their home language because they see it as something which has made them ‘different’ or has isolated them. I know many older children who’s parents have said their child will only speak English at home because ‘that’s what all of their friends speak’. Being a bilingual household means his home language can be celebrated as an additional skill at school alongside English.

You probably also need to speak more English to your child so that he integrates with the community quicker as this can only help him.

I don't agree with this. My DGS only had Russian spoken to him by his mother and had very little English when he started nursery at 3. A year on, he's totally bilingual but they continue with Russian in the home as it's so important for him to know his mother tongue. Your son will be the same. The language will come. Find another nursery for a couple of mornings a week. Gently gently does it.

Sorry for typos, eating and typing at the same time.

Is this a preschool attached to a school? I’m my experience these preschools expect more school like behaviour from the children such as forcing certain activities instead of true free play.

Personally I’d be looking for a birth to preschool private nursery where staff are accustomed to toddlers and pre-verbal kids as well as 3 yr olds. Only my experience but these nurseries are often more homely and free.
Also I’d pick one with a range of staff nationalities. My private nursery was full of polish and Spanish staff whose own children were being brought up bilingual.

Please don’t stop speaking Arabic to him. I can’t stress how important this is. Have an English Hour every day maybe but keep Arabic as his main home language. He will learn English for sure but he may well also forget Arabic as he has left his homeland so young, which would be a tragedy.

Do you think it might help if you speak to him in English at home a bit more? Do any of the staff at the nursery speak Arabic?

I think that if the nursery can't come up with suggestions of how to help him settle in better (after all, it is supposed to be their job to do that), then perhaps it isn't the right place for him.

I'd take him out. He's miserable and doesn't need to be there. I persevered when my DS didn't like preschool but if I wish I had just taken him home and enjoyed my time with him.

my twins loved their pre-school 3 hours 5 days a week in term time . They went at 2.9 years, and one had ASD (as yet undiagnosed) I feel that the staff were much much more clued up than you describe; it was a strict Montessori setting, with absolute freedom within that framework, so children were free to choose what Montessori activities they did, and then there was some structured activities too, like singing and drama. No toys at all.

No one would ever have said to me that they were wrecked from looking after my child. I am Irish btw (but this was in UK) There were children of all nationalities there, some who spoke very little English ( a lot of French children for example)

I think it is the wrong school for your son. I'm sure there are better schools out there, or if in doubt just wait till he is a year older. It won't make any difference if you are giving him quality attention at home, playgroups etc.

My [minor] tip is always to make sure your son walks to school or has a little run around/free play before hand. The walk of 20 mins before school made the difference between my children running amok and being very settled/concentrating. Exercise matters, and pre-school won't be a good setting for running around.

I don't think you are being precious at all. He is precious, why get it wrong?

sorry, just to explain, my children were not the best behaved or particularily easy and they presented no behavioural issues at a good Pre-school which nurtured them in a structured setting. It is the school that is the problem not your son.

I agree with PP- the nursery sounds terrible and whilst I think he could benefit from childcare, this is absolutely not the right place for him. I wouldn’t be massively impressed with a nursery using time outs at all but especially not for what are clearly issues understanding rather than ‘bad’ behaviour. When you speak to new childcare providers definitely discuss language with them and make sure you’re satisfied with their response- DD’s daycare has lots of multilingual kids, the staff are well trained and they’ve been brilliant, even rotating in a classroom assistant that speaks her other language.

Is there a playgroup he could go to do you or his GM know any other children that he could have playdates with?

I agree that it's not necessary to speak English at home.

It's a lot all at once though if he's never really been left and he is now being left & he can't communicate.

I would look for a different pre-school. He wouldn't have "anxiety" if he was comfortable in his surroundings- SIMPLE! Children tend to adapt quite quick so 3 weeks in and he's not happy. So, going with what you say I believe the staff are the ones with the issue NOT your child!
My sister has NEVER left her child she doesn't do date nights or anything that doesnt invole him (other people find this abnormal but who gives a shit, her child her choices) he's been with her from birth. He's now 3 and has started an irish speaking school- his parents main language is English. He is loving it... The teachers are fantastic an he has settled really well. So more often it's the people around him rather than the child, I'd be pulling him out and looking for a more open, inviting and fun environment.

I would pull him out they don't sound very accommodating of his needs. Take him to some Parent &Toddler groups and he will relax and learn to play. Start speaking more English at home. Try him again next year and look around for somewhere that they might be more sympathetic in the mean time. Maybe send him where he knows someone that he went to toddlers with to help him settle.

Completely agree with Myriade!!!

My DD didn't speak English when she started nursery/preschool at the age of 2.5. She picked it up very quickly. She's now trilingual at 5 and that's because we've put in the effort and been consistent in speaking our respective language to her. Speaking English at home is a slippery slope, as there's no longer any perceived "need" to speak Arabic. Before you know it, he's started speaking only English to you and it's really hard to get back from that. He'll be losing out on something really valuable. Going to toddler groups is a good idea, but the OP says she's already doing that.

Reading the preschool, I agree with others that they seem poorly equipped and I wouldn't feel confident leaving him there.