To think we should be able to go away as adults!

[TooslowTooquick]

My parents are visiting from overseas. I want to take them away for the weekend. DH wants to include DSS. I don't. It will change the tone of the weekend.
DH says IBU, that I'm excluding DSS (11)
It's not during our normal contact time.
AIBU? Or is he?

He is. What’s his reasoning?

That I am excluding him from time with his GP's.

And he doesn't want him to feel excluded from a family holiday.

My dd wouldn't expect to go away with her dad , sm and sm's parents.
But every family /step family is different.

He is bu. People are allowed adult time once in a while.

Leave DH behind too.

Your husband is being ridiculous.

Do you have children together?That may change the context.
Otherwise, I don't see how you're excluding DSS.....your parents are not his GPs; presumably he has your ILs and his mother's parents ?

If your dps live overseas, are they close to dss? Does dss regard them as GPs?
Either way, yanbu. Your dh is

I think it would be nice if you took DSS with you. He, or at least DH, views them as grandparents, so I think family time would be a lovely thing to do. Unless your parents don't look upon him as a grandson?

That said, I don't think every occasion should be about children, and adults are allowed adults time.

We are taking the dog, so that will change the 'tone' according to DH.
Can't exactly go out for a boozy dinner, leaving DSS in a crate..... but apparently it's the same thing.

Actually, I don’t think that either of you are being unreasonable. You’re not a parent, so don’t think like a parent. He is, so does.

Would your parents be just as happy visiting you at your home rather than going away for the weekend?

You’re not a parent, so don’t think like a parent. He is, so does.

Eh?

I'm a parent (of a child with a stepmother) and I think the same as the OP.

It sounds to me as if OP is saying that this weekend away is only a part of the time her parents will be visiting ( but I could be wrong)

There is a lot of missing info - such as the length and strength of the relationship between her dps and her dss. And the view of dss. He may not want to go ....

We don't have kids, have just had 3 failed rounds of IVF one of the reasons my parents are here. As I was about to break.
DH is nearly NC with his parents.
DSS's mum is NC with hers.
My parents are DSS's GP's
Been a constant in DSS's life since a baby.
Parents are here for 2 months.

He is BU. Plenty of time for DSS to spend with GP’s if they’re here for 2 months. You’re allowed an adult only weekend.

I'm hoping that the "it's not normal contact time" is not the main issue. The DSS should be made to feel welcome at anytime. Contact times are a convenience set out to help people through a divorce and to try to establish a routine of seeing children on a regular and loving basis - the children should not be made to feel that the adults in their lives begrudge spending time with them.. they tend to feel shitty enough as it is. That aside then, what is the big deal about taking the DSS - I understand your point about wanting adults together - but in the grand scheme of family dynamics and relationships, how really bad would it be to take the DSS with you? If you looked back a few weeks later, what real difference would it have made? On the other hand, maybe it'll be a nice thing to make the DSS feel an inclusive part of the wider family?

... just a thought - I know first hand how horrid can be to be the step child who got left out.

There was no divorce, they split 12 years ago after a short lived relationship.
DH, myself and my family are extremely supportive and accomodating. We have a set access pattern, however flex when needed. The point in that was we aren't refusing to have DSS on a weekend that is 'typically' our time.

Parents are here for 2 months.

As I thought.
That gives plenty of time for dss to spend time with you all.

I'm really sorry to hear how tough life has been recently. A weekend away with your parents is both understandable and perfectly reasonable. I'd be tempted to suggest you go with them without your dh which would counter his argument that it's a family trip.

Would you be able to afford another overnight trip during the 2 months that could be for all 5 of you?

He is being unreasonable adults are allowed to things with their children biological or not.

Things without*

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a weekend with an adult dynamic, it's not like other children will be there.

Bearing in mind your recent IVF experience I think your DH is being shockingly insensitive towards you.

So if you have an EOW contact arrangement, DSS will have at least 2 weekends with the adults who are effectively his DGPs (but not in actuality).

So having an adults only weekend away during that time, when your own actual parents are visiting and giving you a chance to let your hair down - possibly particularly important given your recent difficult times - would not be unreasonable at all!!

Sorry - at least 4 weekends. With effective DGPs, not just 2.

DH is BUz

Does DSS see them as his GPs?

If so, I agree with DP. If not, why would DSS want to go?