To think we should be able to go away as adults!

[TooslowTooquick]

My parents are visiting from overseas. I want to take them away for the weekend. DH wants to include DSS. I don't. It will change the tone of the weekend.
DH says IBU, that I'm excluding DSS (11)
It's not during our normal contact time.
AIBU? Or is he?

Going against the grain here and saying DH isn’t being U if he wants to spend his weekend with his child.

Will you be able to do fun things such as going away when dss is with you as well?

Your DH is completely unreasonable. Your DSS will see your parents on the weekends he is already scheduled to be with his dad. It’s ok to have a adults weekend away - sounds like you need it too after a tough time.

Amanduh but DH will see his DS on his l weekends with him. Why should the DM give up a weekend of her time with DS so that he can spend more time with his dad? If they swap weekends, then the DH isn’t seeing his DS any more than he would do normally?

OP, my DC have a step-mum and I’d hate to think she isn’t allowed to be her own person to her own family (a daughter needing some tlc) without having to always think of my DC. Of course having DC along will change the dynamic. If you’d arranged it for a contact weekend, I would not be happy if DS hadn’t been factored in. On a non-contact weekend, it would not even cross my mind that you’d consider taking DS (especially as no other children are going).

DH isn’t being U if he wants to spend his weekend with his child.

The DH is not missing anytime with his DS. The weekend in question would be during the 50% of his life that his DS spends living with his DM.

Does DSS see them as his GPs?

If so, I agree with DP. If not, why would DSS want to go?

Have you read the OP's updates Thenotes?

OP has suffered a succession of losses and wants to spend a healing weekend away with her own parents. They are in the country for 8 weeks so there is plenty of time for them to see and spend quality time with DSS.

DH is nbu to want to invite his son and Yanbu to want some adult time. Having said that you can have loads of boozy meals with your parents while your DSS is with his mum seeing as they are around for a long period. It would be nice for DSS to be included in the holiday as he part of the family too (assuming mum agrees).

Do you and DH go away without DSS at all? Can you afford to do trips with and without him? If only one trip I would say invite him. If you can do one without and one with, do that.

Tell your DH to do one. Go away with the adults alone, leave him at home.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Your dps are here as you are feeling vulnerable so I think your need trumps dh's wants - in this instance.

Purplejay do you really not think that a woman who has described herself as about to break due to suffering 3 rounds of failed ivf might prefer a weekend away without having to factor in helping to look after a child who isn't hers and considering their needs? It's not like she can suddenly start refusing to engage with her DSS for that weekend even if it is her DH doing the main parenting. children .

IVF can be incredibly stressful. Blimey, plenty of women find trying to conceive incredibly stressful without having to resort to IVF.

The fact that your parents are like grandparents to your stepson is a credit to you and your family. Especially considering his fathers parents and mothers parents are not in the picture.

I completely understand that you need this adult alone time.

Maybe it’s a case of, it’s not what you’re asking for, it’s how you’re asking for it.

Maybe, your dh is heating ‘I don’t want your son around even though we are trying for our own bsby’

Yet, what you’re actually asking for is ‘ I’m finding trying for a baby for so long with so many hurdles really upsetting and difficult and I feel I could really benefit from just having a few days where I can forget about being a parent and just focus on you and I again. If you’re worried about leaving ds out, maybe we could arrange a fun day out with us all whilst Gp are in the country instead. ‘

YANBU

Since it is not even in normal contact time and he will have plenty of time to see them, you are not being unreasonable. Given your circumstances you clearly need a break and quite probably to let your hair down with drinks, not a child focused holiday and all that comes with that. Your husband is BU for not having any respect for that.

Thankfully my mum can see how much I need a proper break. She suggested we go away, mid week into a weekend to give us all a break. DH tried to steer it back towards the weekend so DSS could come. She found somewhere dog friendly which apparently had 'no availability' across a weekend, but good rates mid week - I'm thankful for that.
Will need to take leave from work, but sure I can get it approved!
Just waiting for DH to try and take DSS out of school. Watch this space ....,.

Well done your Mum!!

Is your DH always this insensitive to your needs?

He is. It's good to enjoy adult only time with your parents and there's plenty of time left for DSS to see grandparents. Is your OH avoiding being alone with your parents?

No DH gets on well with my parents. He had a terrible childhood, so massively over compensates with DSS. Doesn't ever want him to miss out or feel excluded the way he did. He thinks I should be more robust in my feelings, for the sake of DSS. However the 12 months I've had would make a member of the SAS crack a little.

You’re not being unreasonable at all.

I think it's understandable that he'd like to bring his son. I think it's understandable that you don't want to bring him.

It's telling though that you say "it's not during our normal contact time". To you you have contact with his son. To him, he's his son and he'd like to do things with him, share things with him, go on weekends away etc. And doesn't necessarily want to be limited to "normal contact time".

I'm surprised at comments here. A sad wants to spend MORE time with his son, wants to include him in family life and he's being slated for it. If he was a feckless father people would be giving out about that.

I think men can't win. I'm just surprised nobody has advised you to dump him. That's usually the first response around here!

I think it’s great he won’t leave him out. He’s being a good father.

I’d not go away without my children and anybody who called me selfish for that wouldn’t be going away with me.

A sad wants to spend MORE time with his son, wants to include him in family life and he's being slated for it.

He's not being slated for wanting to spend more time with his son - he's being slated for ignoring his wife's wishes and trying to deny her the chance to have a child-free break which she needs for the benefit of her mental health.

Not every holiday has to be a full family do. My parents used to go away with friends. It was fine. Nothing to say there can’t be s family holiday with the op, the dh and dad.

So, what if a mother posted here, that her in laws were visiting and her husband/boyfriend was planning a weekend away for them. She wanted to bring her child (who she has access with) and her husband/boyfriend was saying no, he didn't want her child there?

I'm sure replies would be very very different.

Dss not dad

Your parents are around for quite a while. Can you not do both? A weekend to include your husband's son and a few nights somewhere without him? He doesn't live with you so there will be plenty opportunity to go out for boozy meals without him.

He thinks you should be more "robust" about your very serious feelings that are pushing you to breaking point for the sake of DSS, by which he means never have a chance to see your parents without it revolving around his kid, even if it fits perfectly into his contract arrangement?

It doesn't sound like he cares much about anyone's feelings besides his son. You have his son 50/50, you care for him and have provided him with an extended family who treat him like their own. Why does your partner not feel this is enough and you should also be forsaking your own feelings about having your own children? He sounds very demanding in his expectations of you as a step parent.