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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should be able to go away as adults!

76 replies

TooslowTooquick · 25/09/2019 22:48

My parents are visiting from overseas. I want to take them away for the weekend. DH wants to include DSS. I don't. It will change the tone of the weekend.
DH says IBU, that I'm excluding DSS (11)
It's not during our normal contact time.
AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 26/09/2019 22:05

by which he means never have a chance to see your parents without it revolving around his kid,

OP has said her parents are visiting for 2 months. There will be plenty of opportunity to see her parents "without it revolving around his kid"

Novembersbean · 26/09/2019 22:11

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre

Yes I'm aware of that, the OP is saying very reasonably that she is really suffering with issues in her life and what she feels she needs is to get away with her family for a few days in a manner that in no way impacts his routine with his son, and he is basically saying no, you can't have that, your mental health is not important and I am going to overrule your cry for help from your own family and make it about seeing my son extra. It shows a total lack of consideration for what she's going through, over something that doesn't inconvenience him at all.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 26/09/2019 22:20

He might not be seeing it the same as she is. He has also had 3 failed IVF attempts in the past 12 months. Now he is trying to include his son in a family trip and has his wife and her parents saying they don't want him there.

If it was a woman posting saying her husband and in laws didn't want her to bring her children.... Well... We all know what the replies would be.

If spending time with your parents is what you need then organise it separate to your husband and his child. But I don't think he is being unreasonable to want to bring his son away on a 'family weekend'. Your parents are around for 2 months. Surely there's enough time to do both.

ShippingNews · 26/09/2019 22:35

I don't think it matters whether he was your DSS or your own son - your parents are visiting for two months so you'd surely be able to spend time alone with them, without an 11 year old there as well.

I think your DH is being very unreasonable, expecting DSS to be included in everything. Especially since this is just a weekend away , and not on one of your DSS's normal times with you.

Your DSS will have plenty of time with your parents - he doesn't have to be invited to everything ! I'm sure you can also plan some nice family events when DSS is there on his normal weekends.

I think your DH is being very unreasonable, especially considering your recent history .

mauvaisereputation · 26/09/2019 22:40

Going against the grain, I think that if your DH is coming DSS should as well. Particularly if your DSS sees your parents as his GPs. I think it's fine for you to go without DH and DSS though.

Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 26/09/2019 22:56

We are extremely flexible. Don't stick to rigid 'access pattern' if it means DSS will miss out. But in this instance I need a break. DH is hurting too, so I think I bit of down time would be good for all of us.
I know his heart is in the right place wanting to include DSS. But for once I want to be selfish and do something that's best for me, no one else. Thankfully my mum has taken matters into her own hands on this one......3 nights booked.
We have done lots of fun stuff with DSS and will try to get away while we they are here, but we needed to get this locked away first.

OP posts:
MrsDimmond · 26/09/2019 23:04

If it was a woman posting saying her husband and in laws didn't want her to bring her children.... Well... We all know what the replies would be

Well my response would be the same TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre and hazzard a guess that the overall opinion would be the same.

I (and most people on this thread) do not see any issue with a step parent spending time away from home with their owm parents and their spouse (who currently does not have their child in their care).

Or to turn it round, I see no issue with a parent spending time with their spouse and in-laws away from home whilst their dc is in the care of the other parent.

Novembersbean · 26/09/2019 23:17

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre

It wouldn't make a difference to me if it were a mother or father acting as OPs husband is. If he chooses to shoulder his grief about the IVF in favour of adding extra time with his son that is his decision, but it is demanding to expect her to do so especially when it is her family that is visiting. If my partner tried to stop me spending time with my own family when I needed their support because his son couldn't come (and it was outside his contact time anyway), I would think he was being ridiculous and expecting me to sacrifice too much for his son. Different if it was his side of the family. They are her family, it is not a given that his son needs to be there for her to spend time with them, and the fact that she wants to do so because she is at breaking point and needs their support and his response is that she should just be more robust, makes it very callous. He is concerned that his SS shouldn't have to deal with his step mum spending time with her own family, but isn't concerned about his wife's mental health.

Tiredtessy · 26/09/2019 23:32

You wont have any 'our' time if you do have a baby and I wonder how you would feel about leaving your child behind?

PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 23:33

You wont have any 'our' time if you do have a baby and I wonder how you would feel about leaving your child behind?

What a crass comment. There is no baby. There might never be one. That’s what’s so sad for the op right now.

MrsDimmond · 26/09/2019 23:46

FFS Tiredtessy were you so keen to get in a dig that you didn't think for one moment?

Not only is that unbelievably insensitive given what OP is going through, it's missing the point that this is not simply wanting 'our' time, it's what the OP needs right now.

And of course many parents happily leave their dc behind to go away for weekends!

30to50FeralHogs · 26/09/2019 23:51

But for once I want to be selfish and do something that's best for me, no one else.

Self care isn’t selfish. Hope you have a lovely break and that your H realises that you need his support and love as well as DSS Flowers

AlunWynsKnee · 26/09/2019 23:55

The OP wants to go away with her parents as their child. She isn't a mother and that's really the point of the trip away. It's time out.
If DH can't go without DSS, leave them both at home and go with your parents and the dog.

Youseethethingis · 26/09/2019 23:59

I’ve just asked my mum to look after my baby DS for a night while DH and I use a hotel voucher to celebrate our anniversary.
I’m not twisting myself inside out thinking I’m the worst ever because DS is “missing out” because it’s not about him on this occasion and it means DH and I can do what we want to do (take a guess Wink) without having to factor in feeds and nappies and pram etc.
Similarly, OPs DH needs to understand that it is not about his DS on this occasion. The fact that it’s the OPs DSS and not DS shouldn’t come into it. It’s not a trip for kids, it’s a trip for adults.

Dillydallyingthrough · 27/09/2019 00:08

Yanbu I'm sorry things have been so tough for you, of course you are allowed time away as adults.

I'm a SP and had some shit going on, my Dp to took me away for a couple of days, ir made me feel so much better being able to have adult conversations without being worried dd could hear, being able to spontaneously burst into tears, etc.

Tiredtessy that is such a shit, crass comment. I'm actually shocked someone could be that horrible on purpose.

Samosaurus · 27/09/2019 00:10

Sounds like you have had an awful time of late OP. Does your DH actually realise how much it’s been for you mentally or have you been putting on a brave face? If it’s the former, then he is being a completely insensitive twerp. It’s not like you are wanting to leave your DSS behind on one of your husband’s contact weekends. And two months is plenty of time for your DSS to spend time with your parents. Sounds like your mum has got the measure of the situation though. I hope you have a great 2 months with them, and I really hope things work out for you.

Howlovely · 27/09/2019 07:01

I'm really quite saddened by some of the responses on here. You'd think OP had planned a weekend away kicking puppies the way some PPs are going on.
You've had a dreadful year and just need a few days away to unwind, recharge and yes, drink too much if you want to, rant and cry if you want to, without having to play the role of mum. That is absolutely not selfish and please don't listen to PPs telling you it is. You are allowed to put yourself first every now and then. Your step son doesn't even have to know anything about this trip, you can just see him with your parents as normal. You need to look after yourself too and a few days away allowing yourself to be the 'child' again will do you good.
Tiredtessy - shame on you. I hope your comment has cheered you up.

Witchinaditch · 27/09/2019 07:07

You wont have any 'our' time if you do have a baby and I wonder how you would feel about leaving your child behind?

That’s just not true- have no biological parents never ever gone away for one night without their kids? We have gone away for a night (we don’t have any step kids) but it is important to have time alone as adults not just as parents. It does no harm! I think step mums just get such a hard time on here, step child or biological child it’s ok to have time alone as adults!

TooslowTooquick · 27/09/2019 08:38

This reply has been deleted

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nokidshere · 27/09/2019 08:44

You wont have any 'our' time if you do have a baby and I wonder how you would feel about leaving your child behind?

Don't be ridiculous. Even bio parents need a break sometimes for whatever reason. There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents wanting an adult weekend away. It took me 17 heartbreaking years to get pregnant but we still had a few weekends away from our 'precious babies' whilst they were growing up.

In this case dss is not being excluded at all.

Tiredtessy · 27/09/2019 09:56

You have no idea of my background, its just when biological parents get told their children should stay at home by say a step parent then all hell breaks loose, especially on here, saying why should he she leave children behind, and for the record no there is nothing wrong with having an adult break, but also then the back lash of....I've never had a break away from my child blah blah comes out, anyway I didnt mean to offend and wish you all the luck, stepping away from Here permanently as I seem to say the wrong thing

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/09/2019 10:46

Me and dh are having a day out tomorrow just the two of us.Going to a city on the train for shopping,lunch and whatever else we fancy doing,ds will be with gp.I do not feel guilty at all,we do 99 % of days out/holidays to revolve around our child as we should so any adult time is thoroughly needed and enjoyed.Yanbu.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/09/2019 11:01

The entire point of this getaway is that OP needs care and support from the adults who love her most, away from everyday life. How crass that some people are suggesting she should instead be supporting the parenting of somebody else's DC during a break that's been booked specifically because of what she's going through due to infertility issues. As I said previously even if DH does every bit of the proactive parenting it's not like OP can or should ignore DSS if he comes to her (I used to spend bloody hours having to watch kids TV and talk about minecraft and playing games I had no interest in etc etc, it's emotionally tiring).

OP I'm glad your parents are on your side. What will you do if your DH still tries bringing DSS along?

Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 27/09/2019 12:35

I am dreadfully sorry for my crass response to @Tiredtessy.
It's been a utterly hellish 4 years, followed by 12 months of IVF. But I won't 'imagine a child who may or may not exist'
DH is on board, we are off for 3 nights of fun. He had a shit childhood and sometimes struggles to see the norm.
I'm lucky to have DSS. In fact can't wait to see him tomorrow. But next week can't wait to be 'me' and not cry in my pantry or find a reason for a gruelling long long as an escape. Thanks all this has helped Smile

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/09/2019 13:21

Glad to hear DH is on board now. What changed his mind?

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