Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be the messenger?

56 replies

LaCerva · 25/09/2019 21:15

Hi all. Looking for a few words of advice on how I should approach this tricky situation.

My brother-in-law and his wife recently separated after 30 years of marriage. Even though she and I have been friends as well as in-laws, I did not know until now that their relationship was an abusive one

  • mainly emotional but occasionally physical. She says that although she still loves him, there is no going back and is filing for divorce. Brother-in-law has been relocated and now lives alone after police were called. He was heavily reliant on her as he has several chronic health issues. He has to have no contact with her so is pleading with me to relay his apologies to her. I felt obliged to do this as he is my husband's brother, although he is obviously in the wrong. She is adamant that she will not take him back. How am I supposed to tell him this? He made it clear that if she refused him then he would not be able to carry on. I know he is absolutely at fault but I do not want to have a suicide on my conscience. I firmly believe that he would carry this out. There is no one else that will tell him (his family are defending him) so it has somehow fallen to me. I don't know what to do.
OP posts:
Bananasandchocolatecustard · 25/09/2019 21:19

Don’t get involved in his abuse as his messenger.
I would support your SIL and ignore him.

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 25/09/2019 21:20

Honestly, it sounds like he’s trying to manipulate her, via you!

In my experience an abuser uses suicide as a tactic to keep their victim close. The emotional pull this puts on a victim of abuse is so overwhelming, I can’t describe it! I went back many times due to these kinds of threats.

I understand that your intentions are good, but IMO he’s using you to get to her. Please don’t relay messages to her and just explain to him that you love and support him, but you can’t be a messenger. Believe me, he’ll find another way to reach her.

Grumpelstilskin · 25/09/2019 21:20

Abusive men like him generally never follow through. It's all part of the script. Just say no to being a messenger though. It's none of your business!

BlingADingDing · 25/09/2019 21:21

He is transferring the responsibility on to you. He has to have no contact with her, he is making you the contact
Ring the police and notify them

Freddiefox · 25/09/2019 21:23

You’be passed on his apologies, so let it at that. There doesn’t need to be any further messages

Bucatini · 25/09/2019 21:25

No contact means no contact - you must refuse to take his messages.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2019 21:25

Surprise, surprise. The narcissistic, manipulative, gaslighting, piece of shit abuser is directing their abuse at the next closest victim - that's YOU op. This bastard isn't going to kill himself. He's just saying that in order to manipulate his wife and you into getting his control back. I don't care if he IS your husband's brother, I would tell him to go fuck himself.

Isaididont · 25/09/2019 21:27

If he’s trying to use you as a messenger once, he’ll do it again. This won’t be the only message . Every time, he’ll use the threat of suicide to continue to manipulate you. Don’t get drawn in. He is abusive and this is part of his bag of tricks.
Even if, God forbid, he were to commit suicide, that shouldn’t be on your conscience. He makes his own decisions. You cannot take care of / emotionally manage the man who abused your SIL.

TwattingDog · 25/09/2019 21:29

Absolutely not. Do not do this. You and your DH need to tell BIL you will not be interfering in his marriage/divorce.

Assholes like this will use people to get their own way. And he's clearly pressuring you to achieve his ends. This could be an element of him harassing her for all you know....

GettingABitDesperateNow · 25/09/2019 21:30

Passing messages on through someone else doesnt sound like no contact to me. Are you happy to break the law or court order etc to help an abuser? Tell him you can't get involved

Starlight456 · 25/09/2019 21:30

You shouldn’t of passed it on in the first place. Do not relay messages back. If he asks say you have informed her and will be passing no further messages. Tell her the same .

katalavenete · 25/09/2019 21:30

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - take a look and see how textbook this is. It's ridiculously common for an abusive man to enlist friends and family to pressure his victim and also to threaten suicide if his victim doesn't let him continue abusing her.

Do not under any circumstances facilitate his continued abuse of his ex.

Because if you act on his demand that is what you will be doing.

Drum2018 · 25/09/2019 21:33

it has somehow fallen to me

It has not fallen to you. It is not your job to pass messages from an abuser to his victim. Has he admitted the abuse? Just don't go near him, don't take his calls and ignore any messages from him. Tell Dh to pass on to bil that you are not getting involved so he is not to ask you again.

billy1966 · 25/09/2019 21:33

I wouldn't dream of entertaining him in any way. Tell your husband that you will not be getting involved in his brothers marriage. End of.
Do not in any way defend your decision.

Not your problem.

Be bloody careful he doesn't try and move in with you.

Support your SIL.

GreySheep · 25/09/2019 21:35

You’re facilitating his contact with your SIL via you. Despite him being barred from contacting her. That is very wrong on his part and your part too. Stop it.

‘Contact’ can be indirect such as sending messages through other people.

Stop this now.

katalavenete · 25/09/2019 21:35

Ffs just realised I misread it and you already helped him continue abusing her.

And now you're worried about his fucking feelings?

You're as bad as he is and you should be ashamed.

Tell him nothing. Or tell him you didn't speak to her and won't help him abuse her.

Why the fuck are you even in contact with an abuser anyway?

GreySheep · 25/09/2019 21:36

Also, have the police barred him from contacting her? If so that’s even worse if you’re passing on messages.

katalavenete · 25/09/2019 21:37

Frankly, I hope she reports you to the police for doing that. You should face the consequences of your actions.

Drum2018 · 25/09/2019 21:37

explain to him that you love and support him

Why?

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 25/09/2019 21:48

@drum2018 because she obviously does! He’s been abusive to his ex, not to her.

He could be the shittiest piece of scum on this earth, but if op wants to support him and be there for him.. that’s her choice.

Ohyesiam · 25/09/2019 21:48

It sounds as if there is some sort of court order stating no contact? In which case contact the police and tell them he is attempting to coerce you into breaking it.

Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2019 21:49

If you think he's a danger to himself then get him help. This is nothing to do with your SIL. If he has mental health issues he needs medical support. If he is an imminent threat to himself then 999

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 25/09/2019 21:56

@LaCerva if the police have put a police protection order on him (PPO) then you absolutely should not be passing messages along.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here tbh. What you’re doing is clueless on your part and harmful to her, I may be wrong but it just seems like ignorance of the impact of this on your part.

Now you know the implications and his reasons for doing this, I’d hope you’d step back and tell him you won’t be doing this anymore. The threats are honestly just threats, as real as they seem right now. He’s lost control and is manipulating you into trying to emotionally blackmail her.

No one can tell you not to be in touch with him. That’s entirely your decision.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 25/09/2019 22:12

Don't get involved, it'll do you no good. He's done this to himself.

CharityConundrum · 25/09/2019 22:14

Tell him that you will not pass messages or be involved. You don't have to tell him she doesn't want him back - the police and legal system have done that and he will surely get the hint when the divorce papers come through. What he chooses to do with that information is down to him, but honestly I can't see how your involvement in the situation is helping anyone (esp you!) so withdraw, make your position clear and conduct any future relationship with either of them on the basis that you will not be passing on details to the other.