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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep 'well' DS aged 7 off school tomorrow?

75 replies

Charlieandthechocolatecake · 25/09/2019 20:36

Previous post here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3696648-Special-Educational-Needs-Register

DS has had a horrendous 2 days at school due to his behaviour. Today he physically assaulted a teacher and was put in isolation.

I will not make any excuse for his behaviour. None whatsoever, however I will explain the background.

DS's friend (with similar SN's) had a meltdown and was removed from the class. DS wanted to go and make sure he was ok. DS was told he had to stay in his class for his own safety. He refused. Left the classroom to check on friend. Held back by teacher. DS punched and kicked the teacher in order to get to his friend.

I do not condone his behaviour.
DS is on the SEND register.

At home he is the peacemaker with my youngest DS who is 4 and in reception.

I think I should keep him off school tomorrow. Spend the day with him without DS2 present.

I quit my job so I could be more present with him. He's doing wonderfully at home. My DP arranged to work from home so he can be more present. For what it's worth, as parents, we have always been 'present'. Were just doing anything we can to support him.

He has never so much as raised his voice at his family or friends.

I've made an appointment with our GP.

I need to spend time with my first boy. 1 to 1.

Will I be fined?

Is this acceptable?

His attendance has been 100% so far.

I don't know what's right or wrong. He's beyond wonderful at home. I don't know what's happening.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 25/09/2019 20:38

Give yourself a break - and your son - spend time at home tomorrow together, do what your heart tells you, good luck

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 25/09/2019 20:40

Just to reiterate, I have arranged an appointment with his GP.

I just want to know if it's acceptable to keep him off school to spend a day with him alone?

I think this would help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 25/09/2019 20:43

Thank you @user764329056

My heart tells me to keep him off school for a day.

I adore him, he's a wonderful little boy. I want what's best for him. That said, I also want to give his teachers a break. It's not fair that the teaching assistant has to deal with him for hours on end some days.

OP posts:
Cohle · 25/09/2019 20:43

Why not speak to the school? In the circumstances it sounds like a very sensible idea, and I imagine the school will see it that way. That way you won't have the worry about fines etc weighing on your mind.

ashleylamp · 25/09/2019 20:45

YANBU. Take the rest of the week and think about another placement. No school should affect any child to that extent, it is clearly an unmet need.Flowers

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 25/09/2019 20:46

Thank you @Cohle

I'm intending on speaking to the school when I drop DS2 off tomorrow. I just don't know if I'll be fined for keeping him off for a 'mental health day.'

OP posts:
ashleylamp · 25/09/2019 20:47

Well he might have a bit of a chill/bug/upset tum.

You’re the parent, and schools don’t fine parents when it’s clear that they are not meeting the child’s needs.

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 25/09/2019 20:48

@ashleylamp he's only recently been put on the SEND register. I don't think changing schools will help. The school have been beyond supportive. I'm embarrassed. They really couldn't do anymore to support him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 25/09/2019 20:49

@ashleylamp I thought of that but I'd prefer to be honest iygwim?

OP posts:
MmmBlowholes · 25/09/2019 20:53

Was it really necessary for the teacher to hold your child back? Teachers can use "reasonable force" to protect a child but I'm not sure holding him back from doing something he shouldn't (with no real risk) is acceptable...

CrazyToast · 25/09/2019 20:58

I would speak with school to keep them in the loop and to make you worry less about it. If your instinct says it will help then go with it. Just make sure it couldn't be taken by your boy as a desirable consequence of the behaviour at school ie if he kicks off at school he gets to have lovely home time with mum. You know him best so you make the call.

reefedsail · 25/09/2019 20:58

If one child is having a violent meltdown you cannot let another child gambol into that, however well meaning their intentions. OP said the teachers kept her DS back for his own safety.

ashleylamp · 25/09/2019 21:03

I’ve read your other thread and the school don’t sound wonderful AT ALL. They sound like they have finally outnumber some measures in place, for a little boy they failed to protect from bullying. And from everything you’ve said he absolutely sounds like high functioning autism is the path ahead.

You said on the other thread that you are a people pleaser and that comes over in your posts, and your compliance with what school have requested/supporting school etc. I am sorry to tell you that that position needs to stop right now. OP you will have to grow a thick skin and get sharp elbows for what is ahead.

In the very first instance, request that the local Ed Psych comes and sees him in school. That will at the very least, help with his day to day managing, because Christ knows that whatever they’re doing with him at the moment, isn’t working.

You can absolutely get a private diagnosis - the Lorna Wing Centre, or DATS at St Albans are both very good and the assessment includes SLT/Psych and often OT. This will provide you with a clearer picture of what’s going on.

Frankly, a few days off in the scheme of things is the least of your worries - if this isn’t sorted adequately you’ll end up with a full on school refuser.

Don’t be fobbed off by ain’t one on the basis of his academic achievement- he clearly has significant barriers to reaching his potential and that’s where the focus must be.

Sorry if this all sounds harsh. It’s what I wish had been said to me when we went through this for the first time 4 years ago.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 25/09/2019 21:05

Mental health is as important as physical health so if you feel that he needs it and it's in his best interest YANBU to keep him off. You sound like a lovely mum!

ashleylamp · 25/09/2019 21:05

And as for “making excuses” for his behaviour - he can’t help it. His world is different and I promise life gets much easier the second you reframe his actions as simply a part of his condition, and not a choice.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 25/09/2019 21:15

If you think a day off will help defuse his mood and give him a better rest of the week, then yes. He'll only have Friday left to finish the week.

I kept DS off for a "duvet day" in y3 last year. He has some SNs which while his behaviour in school is impeccable, it costs a lot of mental effort to get through a school day. He had a cold draining him, not really ill enough from it on his own, but he was very tired on top of his usual energy demands, and I felt it was better overall to have a day to recharge and have a good rest of the week and a better finish to the weeks ahead at the end of a long term. It was his 4th day off in 4 years of school.

You won't be fined for an isolated day anyway.

At this stage of the school year, it will be disproportionate on attendance figures, but that will settle through the course of the year.

TeenPlusTwenties · 25/09/2019 21:17

Keep him off.
Just tell the school that after yesterday he needs some calming time and that maybe the teacher will appreciate it too.

MollyButton · 25/09/2019 21:34

Give him the day or days off.

Don't lie say it is for his mental health. I would make sure you have a written record of what went on today.
I would see your GP.
I would also want to have a meeting with the SENCO and Class Teacher about how they are going to "re-integrate " him on his return. And what additional steps they need to take to ensure his safety.
I would also start the process for an EHCP if you haven't already. (And maybe look at alternative schools.)

2childrenandout · 25/09/2019 21:36

Is there a further sanction tomorrow rather than just isolation for kicking and punching a teacher? If there is I think he needs to go in. He needs to face the consequences for his actions and not see it as reward time with mum. Then later you can give him time 1:1 and maybe think about another educational setting if you don't think the current one is appropriate.

ashleylamp · 25/09/2019 21:39

2childrenandout, she isn’t rewarding him! Nor is a child in meltdown, able to predict the outcome of is actions! Sheesh!

couldntcareless · 25/09/2019 21:40

You're his mum and you know what is best for your DS. Do exactly what you feel is right Smile

Teagoanngoanngoann · 25/09/2019 21:42

Keep him off. For your mental health as well as his.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 25/09/2019 21:42

You need your GP to refer you to the community paediatrician OP. Only the paediatrician can make a diagnosis but even before they do that they can make the LEA and therefore the school take action to support your son, the school putting him on the special needs register doesn't really meant that much unless the LEA are involved, they will insist the school puts a plan into action and they will come and review that plan two or three times a year and they will pay for 1-1 support and expert input if needs be. Its a legal thing Paediatricians can do - insist the LEA provide extra support. Google your LEA's SEND offer.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 25/09/2019 21:44

oh and its bs about needing to pay for an assessment, the NHS waiting lists are long but the LEA don't need a diagnosis to pay for 1-1 support.

stucknoue · 25/09/2019 21:45

I would speak to the school first, the problem is you are rewarding him for misbehaving. Send or not they need to comply and he can't just leave the classroom. My dd has sn I know the anxiety as parents that caused but we felt she should not be rewarded for unacceptable behaviour and in the long run it's worked, she's now at university