To keep 'well' DS aged 7 off school tomorrow?

[Charlieandthechocolatecake]

Previous post here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3696648-Special-Educational-Needs-Register

DS has had a horrendous 2 days at school due to his behaviour. Today he physically assaulted a teacher and was put in isolation.

I will not make any excuse for his behaviour. None whatsoever, however I will explain the background.

DS's friend (with similar SN's) had a meltdown and was removed from the class. DS wanted to go and make sure he was ok. DS was told he had to stay in his class for his own safety. He refused. Left the classroom to check on friend. Held back by teacher. DS punched and kicked the teacher in order to get to his friend.

I do not condone his behaviour.
DS is on the SEND register.

At home he is the peacemaker with my youngest DS who is 4 and in reception.

I think I should keep him off school tomorrow. Spend the day with him without DS2 present.

I quit my job so I could be more present with him. He's doing wonderfully at home. My DP arranged to work from home so he can be more present. For what it's worth, as parents, we have always been 'present'. Were just doing anything we can to support him.

He has never so much as raised his voice at his family or friends.

I've made an appointment with our GP.

I need to spend time with my first boy. 1 to 1.

Will I be fined?

Is this acceptable?

His attendance has been 100% so far.

I don't know what's right or wrong. He's beyond wonderful at home. I don't know what's happening.

Was it really necessary for the teacher to hold your child back? Teachers can use "reasonable force" to protect a child but I'm not sure holding him back from doing something he shouldn't (with no real risk) is acceptable...

MmmBlowholes. You are in no position to state that there was no real risk as you weren’t there. The teacher was there and considered that OP’s son could be at risk from his friend so prevented him from going to him. It sounds as though the teacher took the appropriate action to keep OP’s son safe. Why are you blaming the teacher when OP herself isn’t doing so?

You can't be fined if it's under 3 sessions ie. 1.5 days. Is definitely take some time out. It's he able to talk about why he reacted. There may be issues regarding the teacher which you need uncover. It's odd if he's behaving worse at school than home. It's usually the other way round. When that happened with my son in reception I found out a while later that there was all sorts going on, bullying from other children, kids of telling off by teacher/ TA. My D's is very sensitive and knew teacher didn't like him which made him anxious and play up in school. Her treatment of him actually made him worse. It's worth trying to probe a bit.

I would not see this as a reward for misbehaving.

I would keep my child off in similar circumstances. I DO keep my child, who has SN, off school occasionally when I sense that the stress of dealing with a school is getting too much.

If your DS needs a MH day then that is a valid reason for having a day off sick. Sometimes we need a day off because we have a physical ailment and sometimes it is a mental ailment. I wouldn't judge any adult or child for this and neither should the school.

Make sure you give yourself some time too. Can imagine today was very stressful for you too.

Like some one else said, mental health is just as important as physical health.

Just tell the school he needs a mental health day and you'll be speaking with the GP. You won't be fined.

I'm not blaming the teacher and I don't believe my post read in an accusatory manner; I was genuinely asking whether it was necessary to restrain OP's child. I know some people on mumsnet hate teachers, but trust me, I'm not one of them!

I have a feeling i'm going to be jumped on for this but I really do mean it as a genuine question.

What element of SEND causes this kind of behaviour? Is it impulsiveness/not understanding consequences/emotional drive being higher than critical thinking? something else? I'm genuinely interested.

So the teacher says don't leave the room, but he leaves anyway, what is the driver behind that? The teacher then restrains him and he lashes out at her (I can understand this more as nobody likes being physically manhandled especially when emotions are running high).

Can someone explain?

Keeping a child at home is not “rewarding bad behaviour”

It sounds like a good call

@ashleylamp I'm in tears right now after reading that. Thank you. He was initially a school 'refuser' after the bullying last year. I had to pry him off the gates to get him in.

I am 100% a people pleaser and this is not helping the situation at all.

I need to do better for my boy.

I am going to drop DS2 off in the morning and speak to DS1s family liaison officer to explain why DS1 won't be in school tomorrow.

It's not about having a fun day. Far from it. It's about me spending time with him one on one to find out what's happening, how he feels, what we could do differently.

I have decided with my 'Google PHD' that DS is definitely on the spectrum.

DP is supportive, hence the working from home. No issues there.

@ashleylamp you said his world is different. It is, I've never looked at it that way previously. Thank you.

The first thing he asks me each morning is if I like steam trains. He then explains why he likes them. Same story, every day.

His world is definitely different to that of your average 7yo.

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, OP!

I'm saying this as a keyworker for SEND children. Keep him home. tell your SENCO why, tell them you've made a GP appointment. Do not lie about chills, bugs etc as PP suggested because there is no need and it sounds like you have a good relationship with the school which is so important to support him. He has 100% attendance and it is a mental health day, you will not be fined.

I get why they didn't let him go to his friend, I'm sure you do too, but he probably doesn't, or at least didn't right then, he's got frustrated, he has lashed out. School will understand that but right now DS needs support to understand that and what the better way to deal with it would have been, he is 7 and even without SEND that would have been hard to understand.

You sound like the kind of parent I love, you aren't placing blame, you aren't taking the easy route, you aren't making excuses, you are looking for solutions and that is brilliant parenting. You aren't second guessing the staffs decisions so stop second guessing yourself!

@CrazyToast it definitely isn't a lovely time at home with mum. I just think he needs a day off to 'start again'.

@MollyButton thank you, I intend to be honest. I've spoken to DS about teachers being taken away from other students to deal with his behaviour and that it's not fair on everybody else.

I wonder how the punched and kicked teacher is feeling tonight?

@2childrenandout I understand your perspective. However, I know my child. I believe that right now the best course of action would be to keep him at home for a day or 2 depending. You say he needs to understand the consequences of his actions, I completely understand that. He has written a letter to the teacher this evening apologising for his actions. He will hand it to the the teacher in the morning. I don't want him to attend school tomorrow. I want him to stay at home. I want to work with him alone. We will do school work and we will talk about what is happening at school.

OP, I’d stop ANY blaming for his behaviour for now. If he has ASD then it isn’t his fault he’s acting out like this, and he has every right to the teacher’s attention because his needs haven’t been met.

Assume that he isn’t naughty, or in control of his choices, he’s just reacting. And his reactions are different because he’s wired differently, that’s all. Assume he is doing his absolute best. His behaviour may start to make more sense then.

Some things that might trigger can include sensory stuff - uniforms, fire bells, the tidy-up song, anything. And the deviation from what he might see as a “rule”.

He’s still the same little boy but he needs different handling at school.

@couldntcareless thank you, I wish I couldn't care less some times!

Treeli- my son has autism so for him he would have an idea in his head (visiting friend) and anything that deviates from that causes him anxiety and panic. They have a strong need to control to keep things safe for them. He would have struggled to communicate this verbally and would have panicked with a sensory overload of being touched and his fight or flight instinct would kick in. He's been restrained before so any touch makes him afraid it will happen again and do whatever he can to get away.

OP - I've been where you are. The mental health days rolled into weeks before he was ready to return as once they unwind you see the damage underneath. After more bad experiences he had a year out of school and a change of placement. Don't leave it as long as I did to change things.

@stucknoue I spoke to SENCO last year and specifically asked that he was not rewarded for bad behaviour. They looked at me like I asked them to drown themselves.

@MmmBlowholes It was 100% necessary to restrain my DS.

My DS is on the spectrum and has dyslexia. I remember reading a book about SN and school which explained that children that find it difficult to conform and/or have to overcome difficulties to understand the work or the social situation are often exhausted (they are having to work twice as hard as everyone else) which, in turn, makes the above requirements even harder for them to achieve. All this makes complete sense of course, but I hadn’t thought of it in that way.

My boy often had a duvet day, it helped keep him in school for some years, then the stress of year 6 SATs hit and he was a school refuser. It all came good in the end, but not without a lot of work.

Enjoy your day together. 💐

@Treeli Your questions are more than valid. If you find out the answer, please let me know.

DS's teachers have every right to restrain him to protect him or anybody else.

I just don't know why it's come to this.

At home he is so lovely. He is kind, considerate, his manners are exceptional.

I can't explain his behaviour at school.

I just don't know anymore.

if the teacher has two children with these needs in her mainstream class, she's going to be under huge pressure. It's nice of you to recognise that she might appreciate a day's calm too, OP.

I used to teach such children in a special school. I still have some of the marks to prove it. It's tough, but in such a school it's part of the territory, and I loved my job. But the physicality is what led me to retire a few years earlier than I would have. I didn't mend as quickly as I did when I was younger!

But teachers dealing with this in a mainstream school have it tougher, because of all the other demands on them - and they're not used to being hit and kicked and spat on.
I'm sure they really appreciate what a lovely, reasonable mum you are to work with.

@NarwhalsNarwhals Fucking hell, did you not read that I'm already in tears? Aren't you lot supposed to be a bunch of unsupporting bitches!?

Thank you, from my heart. Thank you.

You, as well as previous posters have given me the courage to in tomorrow morning and say that DS will not be in school today, and explain why. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. All of you.

I don't have friends in real life which wasn't an issue before as I'm a professional loner.

I can see now why it helps to have a 2nd or even 45th voice!

Thank you all. Thank you so much xxxx