To keep 'well' DS aged 7 off school tomorrow?

[Charlieandthechocolatecake]

Previous post here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3696648-Special-Educational-Needs-Register

DS has had a horrendous 2 days at school due to his behaviour. Today he physically assaulted a teacher and was put in isolation.

I will not make any excuse for his behaviour. None whatsoever, however I will explain the background.

DS's friend (with similar SN's) had a meltdown and was removed from the class. DS wanted to go and make sure he was ok. DS was told he had to stay in his class for his own safety. He refused. Left the classroom to check on friend. Held back by teacher. DS punched and kicked the teacher in order to get to his friend.

I do not condone his behaviour.
DS is on the SEND register.

At home he is the peacemaker with my youngest DS who is 4 and in reception.

I think I should keep him off school tomorrow. Spend the day with him without DS2 present.

I quit my job so I could be more present with him. He's doing wonderfully at home. My DP arranged to work from home so he can be more present. For what it's worth, as parents, we have always been 'present'. Were just doing anything we can to support him.

He has never so much as raised his voice at his family or friends.

I've made an appointment with our GP.

I need to spend time with my first boy. 1 to 1.

Will I be fined?

Is this acceptable?

His attendance has been 100% so far.

I don't know what's right or wrong. He's beyond wonderful at home. I don't know what's happening.

@ashleylamp It bloody helps to cry. I feel more at ease after your message. Thank you. It means so much. I hope you get everything you want for Christmas x

Keep him home for a day or two.
He does sound ASD to me (no 'expert' but I have been working in Special Ed for 15 years and my youngest has autism) .. the steam train conversation is very familiar

For children on the spectrum, even able, high functioning ones, school is incredibly stressful because even if they are bright, and can communicate seemingly well, the demands made upon them to conform, to understand facial and body language, to understand stuff that typical kids absorb by osmosis in school life.. is HUGE.

And sometimes too much.

My DS2 is now 22..an adult, and amazingly, although he was in special school, no gcses, moderate impairment, he has a little job in a supermarket...and because it's the same every day, he does it very well. But even now the stress of never quite grasping how other humans think takes it's toll. He has to decompress when he gets home and now and again he actually NEEDS a day away to not have to interact. (We insist he takes leave or he never would).

You sound fab... you have his back and that is what he needs right now.

What element of SEND causes this kind of behaviour? Is it impulsiveness/not understanding consequences/emotional drive being higher than critical thinking? something else? I'm genuinely interested.

So the teacher says don't leave the room, but he leaves anyway, what is the driver behind that? The teacher then restrains him and he lashes out at her (I can understand this more as nobody likes being physically manhandled especially when emotions are running high).

If this were a child with ASD:

The child is in a heightened state of alert in school. It's an unpredictable place where people follow secret rules you don't understand, use language you can't always process, make last minute changes all the time that stress you out and you are constantly bombarded with sounds, smells, touches, visual input that you can't filter and overwhelm you. Your processing of thought and language are further compromised by your anxiety.

Someone brushing past you can feel painful. A raised voice can feel like someone drilling through your eardrums.

Your friend is distressed. You probably have a heightened sense of empathy but don't know how to express it. You are overwhelmed by emotions but can't understand or express them. You are also full of fear about the same thing happening to you.

Your adrenaline is through the roof, you can't communicate verbally or calmly. You need to see what's happening to your friend. You don't know what might be going on out of sight because your theory of mind is impaired and you can't predict the intentions or behaviour of the adults involved.

Someone holds you to prevent you from protecting your friend and the hold itself is painful and puts you into meltdown. You lose control, your instincts take over and the primitive part of your brain thinks you're fighting for your life.

OP, I think the key is to work closely with the school and your DS to understand more about why he is stressed in school and so easily triggered, to make some adjustments to remove a significant number of those stressors/triggers and to help him to understand and communicate his own emotions.

Has there been a sensory audit of his classroom? Does he have support to learn to recognise his rising anxiety, withdraw and use suitable strategies to self-calm out away from his peers?

Ask him to draw his magic wand school. Exactly what school would be like if there were no restrictions and it was tailored to his every wish. It's amazing how much you can find out about their school experiences doing this.

@Charlieandthechocolatecake I am an unsupportive bitch. I also tell children off for the fucking sake of it and sit there thinking of ways to make life harder for parents. Thank you for appreciating your schools staff, I needed reminding that there are decent parents out there, its been a rough day x

I would absolutely keep DD off in this situation. I’d take the time to have a good heart to heart with her about what is going on at school.

@NarwhalsNarwhals you need to take 5 minutes to sit down and work out where YOU are going wrong. Didn't you know!?

I know I'm 'please all Polly' but part of that comes from knowing how hard it is to be a teacher in the current climate.

You have my utmost respect. Honestly. I thank you forever for dealing with children like mine whilst remaining calm and collected. Go you x

You definitely sound like a present parent! I hope everything works out well. What lucky children to have such caring attentive parents.

Go with your instinct op. Be honest with the school too - I don't think they'll fine you and tbh I'd kick up a ruckus if they tried!
Have some one on one with him and I really hope things improve for him at school too.
💐💐

To be honest OP, if you don't work I'd seriously think about home educating him. It's not such a big deal as it sounds. There are lots of support groups and great activities to join. I'd do it so my SEN son's if I could (but I don't have the patience) and have to work part time.

You sound like a wonderful parent. Take the day with your son, try to reset and discuss the events, at his pace, when he is ready. Each day is a new day.

I would keep him at hone, bug you do need to make sure he doesn’t see it as a reward/desirable outcome of his actions. depending on his mental state, maybe think about what he could have done differently, what to do the next time he gets angry etc. all at his pace of course!

Why your son copes at home but not at school, which is just like my DD! I was constantly asked by school "how do you deal with X at home?", when we never or rarely saw X at home.
Home is fairly quiet, the child has a lot of relative freedom eg. if my DD didn't like a TV programme she could just leave the room and do something elsewhere.
School on the other hand is like being teleported into India, lots of sights, smells and noise. And not just India but some rural place in the middle of a festival - you are being constantly jostled and have no real idea of what is going on or where you are being taken. If this has happened a few times, you would probably cling on to the few things that seem familiar - and if they change or go away you will feel even more stressed.
Another aspect certainly of my DD is that she is extremely egalitarian so she didn't automatically recognise that Adults are "in charge". So might see following her friend as more important that what a Teacher says.

You are very understanding to the school - but you do need to become the champion of your son. It is a bewildering place for him and he doesn't really have anyone else to fight for him.

How are you this morning op? X

Mollybutton - you've explained it exactly! My son has always been fine at home too because home is safe, calm, quiet and he has quite a bit of self directed time pottering with books, lego etc. School is a very challenging place for our children.

I can't explain his behaviour at school.

Schools, especially primary schools, are one big sensory overload. There is usually not one square inch of wall that is not covered in something that resembles every colour of the rainbow. The noise etc.
I really can see why children react the way that they do and it must be so much harder for your son. You sound like a cracking lady and brilliant parent!

Did DS have the day off? were school ok? is he feeling a bit better today?

@Timandra are you my DS. The way you explained that was unbelievable. Thank you. It's given me huge insight. Thank you.

@NarwhalsNarwhals I kept him off. Dropped DS2 to reception and went to the office. I was honest. I said DS isn't coming in today, he's not unwell. His week has gone from bad to worse and I'm keeping him at home today so that he can 'reset'" the attendance officer said thank you for your honesty, I hope he is refreshed for tomorrow.

We went to get his glasses fixed (DS thinks that taking his glasses off sideways is acceptable). We then went to Waterstones where we sat and read some books. This may sound like a jolly to you all but I said to DS if his behaviour improves I will buy him the book of his choice. He chose a book about Kent Railways. £26 and bloody 99p didn't you know.

DS has his own desk in his classroom, his 1 to 1 has made a 'feelings' board. He can move the marker up the board depending on how he's feeling. If he gets frustrated he can take 5 minutes outside to read one of the his steam train books.

@ashleylamp I'm apprehensive. He went into school happy as can be, greeting all his friends, saying good morning to the teachers at the gate, high-fiving his teacher.

I'm sitting in the garden because my signal is terrible inside, waiting for a call. I'm not expecting a call as such. I'm waiting either way. Just in case.

I told DS if he has a good day today we can go to Grandma's tomorrow to meet my DB's new kitten.

@KittyVonCatsington Thank you, I'm trying. I'm not perfect. DS's had a spag bol ready meal for dinner last night. In my defence it was DP's birthday and we were planning to get a takeaway but he didn't get home until bleeding 8pm.

I don't know whether anybody will come back to this thread.

I've just spoken to SENCO. they've said their currently restructuring so that they can provide 1 to 1 for children on the SEND register. She said DS's problems are not academic. Purely socially. That said, he spends a lot of time outside of the classroom not learning and focusing on his social needs.

This may be a long shot. Would it be worth asking the school if I can sit with him in his class to ensure he is following the curriculum? I feel like my presence would help.

Is that ridiculous?

*They're

I wouldn't to be honest.
The Academics are irrelevant at present - and school are not disputing that he is able. However he won't learn anything if he can't "access" the social side, if he can't understand what is going on.
I would be asking school to access an Ed Psych. I would be seeing the GP. And I would be requesting an assessment for an EHCP from the LA.

To be perfectly honest if your son can:
tell what he is feeling
correctly label feelings
when he is feeling unhappy - remember to move a marker along a feelings board
actually is willing to get up and do such a thing (breaking the rule of staying in your seat)
is willing to be "different" (by getting up to move a marker - and by leaving the classroom even if for something fun)

Then he is doing far far better than my DD at a similar age.

You are far too hung up on not appearing to "give in", and how other people judge your parenting. Heck some parents would be over the moon if their child would eat any kind of ready meal!

And in my experience having a parent in the classroom is always distracting. (I have "helped" with my DC's classes but usually by taking a small group not including my DC to the library or as a chaperone on school trips, the later if my child was in my group seemed to involve them being sillier than normal.)

Thanks @MollyButton that was the reality check I needed.

He's unable to do list of what you listed. That's where he really struggles.

You are far too hung up on not appearing to "give in", and how other people judge your parenting. Heck some parents would be over the moon if their child would eat any kind of ready meal!

I know, I know, I know. Maybe I'm on mumsnet too much!? Either way I've received some brilliant advice. I thank you all x

Hi all, thank you so much for your advice. I've asked for this thread to be deleted. I'm unable to explain why I'm afraid. Thank you again x