To think this guy never taking me out was a bit bizarre?

[couldntcareless]

I was seeing a guy for around 2 months over the summer, I'm 27, he's 29 if it matters.

We met on tinder (first guy I'd ever met online), first date we arranged to go for drinks then he cancelled so we re arranged to meet for coffee but that morning my daughter was sick so I had to keep her off school so obviously couldn't meet him for coffee.

We then decided he would just come to my house for a coffee when my daughter was better and back to school (I know, risky on my part.)

Anyway he came over and he was lovely, we really hit it off and he ended up staying for 5 hours. Anytime we met up after that it would always just be him coming to my house, me cooking and occasionally him staying over. He never took me out but he would offer to but whenever we had plans to actually go out he would always cancel for one reason or another. He also never spent a penny which isn't a big deal but for example, it was always me buying the dinner and he wouldn't even bring dessert etc.

It did cross my mind that he might have a partner and was keeping me hidden away but I really didn't think that was the case as nothing on social media and I had been to his flat and he had invited me to a wedding.

It also wasn't just sex as we never slept together until the 6th time id met him and it was shite as he was literally trembling with nerves and after the first time, we didn't sleep together every time we saw each other 🤔

One morning after I had stayed at his I asked him if he had a hairbrush which he didn't. He went out to the shops to pick up some coffee and I had given him my bank card to pick me up something. Anyway he came home from the shops and said he had got me a hairbrush, when I checked my online banking later that day, he'd bought the hairbrush with my bank card even though I'd never asked him too.

It's over now and so it doesn't really matter but I just find it peculiar that I was seeing him for 8 weeks yet had not once been out in public with him. And in this time he had asked me to be official and told me he loved me.

That's not normal is it?

This isn't the first time this has happened, I feel like there's a pattern here as a lot of guys I date don't seem to want to take me out. I'm just wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Maybe I don't have very strong boundaries, I don't know.

Don't have very strong boundaries? Ffs, you gave him your bank card!

Don't use tinder (perv pit), don't invite them to your home, don't give them your money

It sounds like he was settling into a set up where you were a mother figure, spending the money, cooking for him etc. You need to be looking for a partnership.

Had you ever insisted on going out somewhere ? Surely in a couple of months you could arrange a sitter or someone to take care of dc? Very odd that he kept going to your place, (and initially very dangerous).

There’s nothing wrong with you, maybe just be a little more assertive about what You want I.e to go out somewhere

@cubed123 yeah I had said a few times that I wanted to go out and asked wasn't he fed up of just sitting in and he would reply we can go out whenever I want but when we would arrange it he would always cancel.

He would also say "oh I went on a first date with a girl for dinner blah, blah, blah" and I'd think that's nice, he took other girls out but I obviously wasn't worth it

Phrasing this as delicately as possible, but you sound very permissive and made everything as easy as possible for him, therefore some men like this think that everything and anything goes.

I'm not talking about the sex, I read your previous posts etc.

I mean the whole setup of him popping round, him cancelling and you then subsequently accommodating again by cooking at your house..he thinks you're fine with everything, so why should he adapt his behaviour so to speak?

Well of course there's a thousand reasons including wanting to do fun things with another person etc.

The bank card/coffee story concerned me - why couldn't he pick up the coffees for you without needing your bank card? Unless you were asking him to pick up some extra groceries while out, in which case, again its strange boundaries/line crossing, in that you're giving him your card to run an errand, it starts to become a bit like a mother/child relationship?

Honestly I think you need strong boundaries with future dates. Present yourself as someone not to be messed with. If someone cancels on you two or three times, but always has time to pop round if you're hosting and cooking? They're not the one for you.

Oh just read your reply OP.

Of course you are "worth it" - but he sounds like a sly dog who tries to see what he can "get away with" in terms of the initial stages of dating.

I personally can't abide this kind of thing, because I actually like going for dinner and dates, so I don't see it as an annoying formality, or some sort of thing to try and get out of.

Oh, he was dating other girls and taking them for dates?! It’s not that you weren’t worth it OP, he probably got comfy coming to your place and sounds like he was a bit tight so was trying to save a bob or two.

Next time don’t invite them to your place until a few dates in. If you have to cancel just cancel and wait for another opportunity- there’s never a shortage of men - letting them come to yours sets a precedent.

Honestly? Yes I think that’s quite weird.

The dude sounds quite odd. It may be that he is incredibly mean (to the point of having a phobia of spending money). Be glad that you didn’t get more involved with him.

If you meet people online, please meet them in a public place and tell someone where you are going. He could have been a psychopath.

Tighter than a duck's arse.

Freeloader!

@cubed123

Amen to all of this

Yeah from what hear from single friends, this shit is normal.

I suppose these pathetic specimens don't need to find the balls to chat women up...or ever pay for a single solitary cup of coffee seeing as women will now invite total strangers to their home and have sex with them.

Please don't ever invite someone around for coffee again without even knowing who they are!

You wouldn't let a random man in off the street. You really do need to be careful OP. It's dangerous enough when you DO know someone haha.

Well he did invite you to go to a wedding with him and you did go to his place sometimes.

However to never take you out is really mean. How did it all end if you don't mind me asking?

You definitely need stronger boundaries, everything GinDaddy wrote was correct.

Why would you invite a stranger from the internet to your house? He could have been a psychopath.
Why would you give a man your bank card? Unless you asked him to buy you a TV or something similar priced then surely he could get it for you?

Why would you keep letting him come around when he's cancelled every date on you?

Obviously he's a grabby tightwad, but you shouldn't have allowed this to happen. Some men will put in the minimum amount of effort you allow them to get away with, so don't accept this minimum behaviour.

Tbh surrounds like you dodged a bullet ,don't put yourself down ,he isn't worth it ,if he was taking other women out and not you ,first of all it sounds like he didn't view " your relationship " as very serious and maybe the other women were paying ?

Sounds like a lucky escape.
Never meet first time at your place. - you could end up dead
Never give someone your bankcard. - you could end up robbed.

OP with all the respect in the world, you're better than this.

Why did you give him the bank card if you didn’t expect him to pay for the brush with your card? Sorry if I missed something but I would guess someone wanted me to use their card if they handed me it and asked me to buy something.

That point aside, not going out is a major red flag. My abusive ex was like this, we never went anywhere except for one time when I paid for everything ON MY BIRTHDAY. I was very young so put up with a lot more than I would now. You’re well rid, he sounds like a total tightwad.

Do you know for sure he actually had a job? Bit weird.. Sounds like he's either a tight arse or didn't have money to do anything with you.

It's a bit weird, first date with DH he took me to a restaurant and dates after that were pretty much cinema and food or a drink together.

I've not used Tinder, although someone I know has and she has had quite a few men just be looking for one thing. But there was one guy who would rarely take her out and "forget" money but he wouldn't commit. Every time she'd ask to be a bit more serious he would say he didn't want to just yet. She found him on plenty of fish "looking" and ended it.

You never know what is going on in people's heads, he could of been like that guy looking for the next thing.

@Rachelover60 it ended because one night I went over to his flat on a Saturday night, it was a gorgeous night and he seemed to just want to sit in his bedroom doing nothing, not even put the TV on. I asked him if we could go out for some drinks - no he didn't fancy a drink. I asked could we go out a walk - no he was too tired as he'd stayed up late with his friend the night before. So I ended up leaving as I wanted to make the most of my child free Saturday night rather than sit in his flat. The next morning he text me and as the conversation progressed he said he had went and met his friends at the pub for a few pints after I had left. So I just ended it then and there.

Sorry, just to clarify, I gave him my bank card as I had asked him to pick up a pack of cigarettes for me and being £10 for a pack nowadays I would never expect him to buy me them.

Please don’t invite strangers to your home. If not for your safety, for your child’s safety.

Work on your boundaries. You are too trusting and these guys will use this to their advantage.

No it’s not typical of tinder but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Do you mention you have a child? I did at first and this did bring out the creeps.

Really look at your profile and see if it comes across as you being vulnerable. It’s what the creeps home in on

I’m not saying it’s your fault.

@MissPepper8 yeah he definitely had a job as I had picked him up from his work a few times and he'd came to see me before work in his uniform. I honestly just think he was really, really tight with money.

@ffswhatnext sorry do you mean that by mentioning I have a child this could attract creeps? Or by mentioning I have a child this could put the creeps off?

I do always mention I have a child.

I'm off tinder now anyways, I met a couple of guys after him who actually did take me on a few dates but wasn't interested in going any further and think I just need to take a break from dating.

couldntcareless
@Rachelover60 it ended because one night I went over to his flat on a Saturday night, it was a gorgeous night and he seemed to just want to sit in his bedroom doing nothing, not even put the TV on. I asked him if we could go out for some drinks - no he didn't fancy a drink. I asked could we go out a walk - no he was too tired as he'd stayed up late with his friend the night before. So I ended up leaving as I wanted to make the most of my child free Saturday night rather than sit in his flat. The next morning he text me and as the conversation progressed he said he had went and met his friends at the pub for a few pints after I had left. So I just ended it then and there.

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Good for you!