To think this guy never taking me out was a bit bizarre?

[couldntcareless]

I was seeing a guy for around 2 months over the summer, I'm 27, he's 29 if it matters.

We met on tinder (first guy I'd ever met online), first date we arranged to go for drinks then he cancelled so we re arranged to meet for coffee but that morning my daughter was sick so I had to keep her off school so obviously couldn't meet him for coffee.

We then decided he would just come to my house for a coffee when my daughter was better and back to school (I know, risky on my part.)

Anyway he came over and he was lovely, we really hit it off and he ended up staying for 5 hours. Anytime we met up after that it would always just be him coming to my house, me cooking and occasionally him staying over. He never took me out but he would offer to but whenever we had plans to actually go out he would always cancel for one reason or another. He also never spent a penny which isn't a big deal but for example, it was always me buying the dinner and he wouldn't even bring dessert etc.

It did cross my mind that he might have a partner and was keeping me hidden away but I really didn't think that was the case as nothing on social media and I had been to his flat and he had invited me to a wedding.

It also wasn't just sex as we never slept together until the 6th time id met him and it was shite as he was literally trembling with nerves and after the first time, we didn't sleep together every time we saw each other 🤔

One morning after I had stayed at his I asked him if he had a hairbrush which he didn't. He went out to the shops to pick up some coffee and I had given him my bank card to pick me up something. Anyway he came home from the shops and said he had got me a hairbrush, when I checked my online banking later that day, he'd bought the hairbrush with my bank card even though I'd never asked him too.

It's over now and so it doesn't really matter but I just find it peculiar that I was seeing him for 8 weeks yet had not once been out in public with him. And in this time he had asked me to be official and told me he loved me.

That's not normal is it?

This isn't the first time this has happened, I feel like there's a pattern here as a lot of guys I date don't seem to want to take me out. I'm just wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Maybe I don't have very strong boundaries, I don't know.

Lucky escape OP, you did the right thing to end it.

He sounds odd, take it a bit slower next time.

The next morning he text me and as the conversation progressed he said he had went and met his friends at the pub for a few pints after I had left. So I just ended it then and there

What a total and utter dickhead, it sounds like he was after something causal without the effort.

You were lucky to escape him there, I honestly don't think this was anything to do with you. I think it's that site, with low effort men xx

@MissPepper8 yeah I agree it would seem like he was after something casual but to be honest we barely had sex as he was so bloody nervous all the time, it was honestly bizarre. Usually I would just think he was after one thing the way he behaved but the fact was that it was always me initiating sex as he was so scared for some reason, he was always happy to cuddle or kiss or to get a blow job. Was strange. And he was the one that came on strong, asked me to be official, told me he loved me etc. All red flags I should have taken notice of. But yeah I am well shot.

I had an ex boyfriend a bit like this year's ago ,would come to mine if he had nothing better to do ,but if he had a better offer like going out with his mates he would cancel had never had much money either ,I shouldn't have put up with it but I thought I was in love

Sounds like he didn't have much experience sexually?

I think taking a break from dating is a really good idea. You’re worth a lot more than what you were getting from him. He’s an idiot. Have fun with your child and your friends. You have time to date and maybe meet someone nice. You’re still young and shouldn’t be settling for anyone, who doesn’t think you’re special and worthwhile.

I had a bloke like this years ago. He’d text loads but was never bothered about meeting up, I don’t think we ever went out nor did he care about sex.

God knows what is wrong with these men but take some time to reflect and as PPs say, think about what you want and set out to get it. It really is ok to do this; everyone dances about pretending not to want anything meanwhile life flies by. Often women are conditioned to please men so will let their boundaries be eroded and put up with absolute shit. That was me once.

I recommend WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES and WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES. Both good books about stopping being a pleaser.

he was always happy to cuddle or kiss or to get a blow job. Was strange

OP - he was lazy. That’s it. It wasn’t you, it was him.

He probably lied and didn’t take anyone else out on a date. Because he’s lazy.

He might have lied and not even made it to the pub. Because he’s lazy.

When you meet people sometimes they have personality issues, sometimes they are mean, sometimes they have issues with money, sometimes they use people for sex.

This guy was too lazy to have sex properly, but happy for the BJ. He was too lazy to take you out, but happy for you to cook for him.

He was too lazy to even brush his hair....

You didn’t need him to buy you a hairbrush with your money - you had one at your house.

You’re well rid of him.

His behaviour wasn't normal, but neither was yours! Inviting a complete stranger off the internet to your house is absolutely fucking bonkers. Especially when you have a child. Please don't do that again. And giving the same stranger your bank card after 8 weeks? I think you should look at sorting your own behaviour out before worrying about others

You did the right thing but as others have said, you really need to reset your boundaries particularly around inviting strangers into your home with your child there.

@Lightsabre my child wasn't there but yeah I agree, I shouldn't invite strangers to my home that I share with my child.

In addition to what everyone else has said, it's also possible he has another girlfriend and was terrified that she, or someone she knows, would see you together if you went out somewhere. That would explain him being happy to go out with his friends on the same night he was 'too tired' to go out with you. It might also explain the nerves over the sex - potentially just guilt.

Either way - you are well rid of him. He's an idiot.

For future reference, have a think about your boundaries and don't be so forgiving in future. If something seems strange, it usually is.

I bet he didn’t go to the pub with his mates. He doesn’t have any mates.

Just a weird sad guy who wanted a stay at home cheaply kinda girlfriend. One who’d make dinner, give him a blowjob and generally do as he wished.

Well rid.

I do always mention I have a child. Dont. Thats the first thing predators look for.

TBH, I dont want to be rude or hurtful, but you were a convenient bootycall.

After being married for some time, the idea of going out for dinner with a complete stranger seems quite strange. I would imagine that if I somehow skipped the traditional 3 "out" dates before venturing into each other's homes, I'd quickly opt for that over spending lots of money on dates.

To me, it sounds like he wasn't keen on being out as a couple because that would hurtle things forward. Especially as you were already spending time at each other's houses etc. I say this because I remember being in a similar situation where an existing friendship meant a relationship became "cosy" very quickly and I used to try and insert arbitrary measures to slow it down. I don't think friends into partners is always a good thing.

@ThinkerThunkk really? Why is that? Do they assume if you're a single mum you're automatically desperate and/or vulnerable? When would be a good time to make a guy aware you have a child without being accused of hiding it from him?

I don't think it's anything to do with you having a child, sounds like you just met a chancer on line, and he turned out to be a dud one at that.

It's a pity that you didn't get the measure of him from the onset,but there must be loads of iffy people on these dating sites.

Mentioning children does attract the creeps. They think single mums are vulnerable/desperate.

He played you for his needs because you let him. Sorry. When you mentioned that you should go out and do something, rather than arranging, what was wrong with going then.

Guys who are in relationships do live alone btw.

@ffswhatnext he was openly on tinder though using recent photos and he had told his family and friends about me so would be really surprised if he was

@ffswhatnext but I'm not completely naive, I know these things happen so he may well could have been.

Op, what were you thinking? His behaviour is not as strange as yours. Inviting a man you've never met to your home, so he knows where you live, I assume alone with a child. Giving him your bank card after knowing him for a few weeks. Inviting him round to your house, feeding him and giving him blow jobs.

If you want to have some respect in a relationship you need to learn to respect yourself first. To have some standards. Start off on the path you wish to continue. Honestly you're just going to meet men who will use you, tell you anything to continue to use you. if you behave like this.

Well the op ditched him and no harm was done. It was at least an interesting few weeks, she'll be a bit more clued up for the next one.

Onwards and upwards couldn'tcareless.

Was he unemployed? He sounds tight with money & a sponger. Also we the trembling, you may have been his first & he genuinely had no idea what having a girlfriend involves (you can't take his word as read that he'd dated other girls, taken them to dinner, that could be fantasy/ bigging himself up to say I'm such a player ).

@couldntcareless you come across as very naïve. Where are abusers going to get easy access to children? Through vulnerable women, advertising that they aren't in a relationship, have no bloke about the place, they quickly home in and start grooming. Then they move in and voila, 24/7 access. Statistically the abuser is know to the victim. It is rarely performed by strangers.

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/domestic-abuse/

That is true ThinkerThunkk. They will often tell the woman they like the idea of family life which would be a red flag to me. However couldn'tcareless has finished with him.