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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comments from husband concerning or not?

54 replies

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 13:32

We've been TTC for a number of years and have had a few (more than actually) miscarriages.

Yesterday DH said he was worrying lately and when I asked what about he said he's not looking forward to no longer being the most important thing to me and knowing that I'll love something/someone more than him.

He's said he definitely still wants a child with me but just really loves our 'us' time now and will miss it.

The thing is, he has children already. I said to him that I have to deal with those feelings, of not being the most important thing to him and whilst I can understand his feelings, I don't want to get into a place where we now start backtracking and I have to give up what he already has.

He assures me that he isn't backtracking at all, he still really wants it, he's just been thinking lately that it will make him a bit sad.

But now I'm worried. I'm extra worried because in order for us to have a child (hopefully) it's going to be a long, probably painful journey and I'm not petrified that he's going to turn around and say he doesn't want it anymore.

Are these normal concerns would you say?

OP posts:

Original poster

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 13:33

Now petrified*

OP posts:

FloatingObject · 24/09/2019 13:35

Sounds normal. I sometimes think that.

Original poster

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 13:36

Ok well that's good. I guess I don't feel that way because I never have been the most important thing to him (as he has his children) so have already dealt with and accepted that.

OP posts:

marinova · 24/09/2019 13:38

I think its normal, I'm the one who is pregnant (very happy about it) but every now and then I do freak out about how it will change the dynamics of our relationship.

30to50FeralHogs · 24/09/2019 13:40

Totally normal to feel it and at least your H has the emotional intelligence to acknowledge it and to speak to you about it. Most of them just bundle up those feelings, stuff them down and then use it as an excuse for an affair down the line.

He probably hadn’t realised quite how hypocritical he was being until you pointed out that you already live with the reality he’s worrying about! So well done for being quick to get that out there too!

Thank him for communicating his feelings to you and reassure him that you’ll both do your best to make each other feel loved once the baby is here (best of luck with the TTC part) and remind of it if/when you’re not feeling the love later on.

AlwaysaLittleBitTired · 24/09/2019 13:40

Normal I think. I worried about how having a second child would affect my relationship with my first. I felt a lot of guilt that I was taking myself away from DC1. It was all fine of course.

Haha - I didn't give my DH a thought in that regard though. Your DH sounds lovely, and honest.

GinDaddy · 24/09/2019 13:40

At least he is expressing these things to you, which says he loves and respects you enough to be open and honest ahead of things.

Plenty of people don't do that, have the kids, then explode emotionally later

YANBU at all to be concerned, but it's a good sign that your partner is talking I think.

Idontwanttotalk · 24/09/2019 13:42

I think it is good that he can express himself so honestly to you. You obviously have a very good relationship. I think a lot of people might feel this but never feel able to express it to their partner.

I would take it at face value, that he's just a bit sad about it. It doesn't mean he'll change his mind about TTC.

sheshootssheimplores · 24/09/2019 13:42

My father said that to my Mother. He went on to be a pretty shit dad I’m afraid.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/09/2019 13:42

Try not to worry! It’s a pretty normal feeling, just most people don’t vocalise it. Plus, either he or his ex wife might not have handled the change as well as they could have.

I’d take the opportunity to talk more about it and how despite a child mostly needing to come first, you don’t have to lose your relationship in the process.

Talk!!

Kolo · 24/09/2019 13:43

I can understand that feeling, but it is based on relative ‘love’ rather than absolute. I know you can’t measure love, but I know the love I feel for my husband has grown since we had kids. It’s like a whole new dimension opened up. I’d throw myself in front of a bus for my kids happily, I’d gladly make sacrifices that made me unhappy just to add to their comfort. I don’t feel that way about my husband, no, but I didn’t before we had kids either. And now I also know that my husband is the only person in the world who feels the same way about my children as I do. I know he’d throw himself in front of a bus for them, so that sort of creates more love than was there before.

Not sure if that makes sense. Basically, even though my kids have replaced him as my number 1, it doesn’t mean I love him less than before. On the contrary.

Original poster

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 13:46

Plus, either he or his ex wife might not have handled the change as well as they could have

I know already that this is an issue for him. He was very hurt and he has told me before that he worries about the same thing happening again.

I did try to reassure him as best I could but I feel like it's a bit of a 'non reassurance' coming from me because at the end of the day, he has the experience and I don't in this subject. All I can say is that I love him, I'm not going anywhere and we'll do our best.

I'm not worried about him being a shit dad. He is a brilliant dad to his kids already. They are with us 50/50 and he loves them completely.

He is a good husband, man and father. I just get quite anxious about a lot of things with everything that's gone on miscarriage wise so was a bit freaked at first.

OP posts:

IFeelYourPainToday · 24/09/2019 13:53

Ahh! I think it's lovely he expressed those thoughts to you and that he recognises your love for each other.

Having a baby IS a life changing experience and it does change your relationship. He knows that and that's probably why he's so aware of it.

He sounds lovely to be honest and I just think it's really nice he is able to talk about this with you.

I e been married 10 years and we have 2 gorgeous boys, but I still have times when I miss the relationship we had the I intensity and wonderfulness of just the two of us. Doesn't mean I love my kids or want them any less, they are our world.

He'll be agreat dad OP, you can be reassured by that.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 24/09/2019 14:11

Sorry, not sure if I've read that right, he did struggle when he and his ExW had DCs, that he stopped being the most important person to her, and is worried about it again? If so, I think you might be right to be worried.

Tonnerre · 24/09/2019 14:13

I think people need to be aware that it is a different sort of love, and indeed that the way you love your childen changes as they get older. Your husband is probably theoretically aware of that, but in his case it's overlaid with worries arising out of the fact that, presumably, first time round there were problems between him and his children's mother anyway.

Original poster

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 14:15

Sorry I wasn't very clear.

Him and his ex (weren't married) didn't have the best relationship. He says they had a lot of problems before and after children but they were definitely highlighted more after children.

He says they ended up just not really doing anything with each other, not making time for each other etc and she had an affair towards the end which left him very hurt.

He's worried about it happening again, us not really having time together, getting bored of each other because we don't do anything together etc...

This is the first time he's said anything about worried that I'll love someone more than him.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 24/09/2019 14:20

The comments would really concern me, sorry.

It’s one thing to have a sensible conversation between a childless couple about how relationships can suffer from competing priorities after children, but this is something else.

The bit about him missing “us” time - fine.

But all the stuff about him no longer being the most important person for you, you loving someone else more? What a creep!

HE HAS CHILDREN.

He should already love YOU less than them, so he has no excuse not to know that it doesn’t matter at all - you’re already in that position.

I’d love to hear what his XW would say about it. Did he get all “sad” at her not loving him more than their children too?

This sounds like more than a normal conversation about “us” time.

LifeSpectator · 24/09/2019 14:21

perhapse you could try tell him that you are really looking forward to sharing a child with him, that when you have your own dc that he will become even more important to you, as he will be the only person that you share this child with 100% equally, that you will know no matter what ever happened to you he would take care of your dc, and you could want no better person than him in this task

Ellisandra · 24/09/2019 14:22

Maybe his XW stopped doing things with him, because he was actually like a petulant child because she had the audacity to love their children more than him?

Ellisandra · 24/09/2019 14:25

@LifeSpectator or she could decide not to pander to this, tell him “yes, I will love our child more than I love you, just as you should love your current children more than me. If that’s any issue, what are you doing to do about it?”

I don’t see why OP should be softly stroking his fur and bigging up how much more important he’ll be. Put the ball in his court to decide how he’s going to cope with being “sad”

Ellisandra · 24/09/2019 14:27

@LifeSpectator sorry, I think that reads back rudely to you! I think your suggestion is spot on, if he were just raising concerns about making time for each other. It’s specifically him bleating “you love them more than me” that has my eyes rolling hard!

Original poster

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 14:33

Ellisandra, you seem quite angry about this.

He isn't a petulant child, and I know he loves his kids more than me, they are the most important thing in the world to him. When I pointed this out he understood and acknowledged it was hypocritical.

I was concerned about his comments too obviously as I started this thread and I appreciate replies but he isn't the awful man you seem to be so convinced already that he is

OP posts:

Derbee · 24/09/2019 14:43

Men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t on MN. Only you know your DH. You are married, and he wasn’t married to his ex. I think that makes a difference. I also think on the whole it’s a good thing that he feels he can talk to you about stuff like this.

ColaFreezePop · 24/09/2019 14:46

He's worried that you will turn out like his ex. My DP was worried about the same thing.

As you won't have any of the similar problems he had before they had children, which he may have mentioned to you, then simply point that out and add that you are not his ex.

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 14:49

Perhaps he was like this with his first wife and it caused problems. For someone who already has kids he sounds very immature/ self centred.

He says they had a lot of problems before and after children but they were definitely highlighted more after children

It couldn't have been that bad as he continued to have more children and is ready to do it again.
He certainly likes his ego stroked this one.

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