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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments from husband concerning or not?

54 replies

Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 13:32

We've been TTC for a number of years and have had a few (more than actually) miscarriages.

Yesterday DH said he was worrying lately and when I asked what about he said he's not looking forward to no longer being the most important thing to me and knowing that I'll love something/someone more than him.

He's said he definitely still wants a child with me but just really loves our 'us' time now and will miss it.

The thing is, he has children already. I said to him that I have to deal with those feelings, of not being the most important thing to him and whilst I can understand his feelings, I don't want to get into a place where we now start backtracking and I have to give up what he already has.

He assures me that he isn't backtracking at all, he still really wants it, he's just been thinking lately that it will make him a bit sad.

But now I'm worried. I'm extra worried because in order for us to have a child (hopefully) it's going to be a long, probably painful journey and I'm not petrified that he's going to turn around and say he doesn't want it anymore.

Are these normal concerns would you say?

OP posts:
Iwrotethissongfor · 24/09/2019 14:49

I have one child at the moment. My husband never said that to me and if he did I’d find it a bit...pathetic. I can understand having that feeling but I wouldn’t vocalise it, particularly not as the male, with my wife being the one going through the miscarriages and the physical strain of IVF then (hopefully) pregnancy, labour, recovery, perhaps breastfeeding etc. And particularly if the male already had kids! I don’t think a person in those circumstances should expect their wife to comfort and empathise with them on that particular point when they’re just very keen to get pregnant. I’d have lost a bit of respect for my husband. I hope he sees the insensitivity and doesn’t try to backtrack on TTC.

sonjadog · 24/09/2019 14:51

I think these are natural worries and shows how much he appreciates the relationship you have. I wouldn't read any more into it than that.

WonderWomansSpin · 24/09/2019 14:56

Hmm, you shouldn't really have needed to point out to him that he loves his DCs more than you.
I'd be concerned by his comment. He's setting you up to be constantly proving your love for him and how he comes before any future DCs. I'd be making it clear that I wasn't playing that game or trying to atone for any issues he had with his previous DP. They're not your problems to fix.

NOFUCKINGNOPE · 24/09/2019 14:57

Perhaps he was like this with his first wife and it caused problems

Or maybe, just maybe his ex was a shit and had an affair which left him hurt and concerned for his future relationships?

Oh sorry I forgot, we're on MN when ex girlfriends/wives can't ever be wrong Hmm

We know nothing more about his past relationship than what OP has told us. Stop speculating that it must be all his fault because he has a penis. Does my fucking head in.

SunshineCake · 24/09/2019 15:16

My concern would be why a grown man wants to be, needs to be, the most important thing in your life. You are so much more than just his wife.

kateandme · 24/09/2019 15:20

just talk to him about it.dont make it seem like he is wrong to have these feeling.nor just becasue youve accepted it does it mean he will find it just as easy to.becasue you ame into this situation so had no choice where as this will be a whole new change for him coming along so it is slightly different.
let him know like you would a child awaiting a sibling that you love him more and more and will continue to with a child.it will be a whole new and next level love to being a family,a mum and dad together.that the love is never going to run out its just going to expand for you all.and you will work around it.
maybe put things down about how or waht you still want to try and do together,like pizza night or cinema keep talking to him .

53rdWay · 24/09/2019 16:10

I would find it deeply weird thing to say, honestly. Worrying that your relationship will change is reasonable enough but worrying that you'll love the hypothetical baby more than him? A grown man saying he'll be jealous of a baby? Weird.

Then again, you say he's a good and loving dad to the kids he's got and he admits he was being a bit of a hypocrite given he's a parent already. So hopefully it's just TTC making him feel a bit odd.

I would make sure you're on the same page with this now, though, because you don't want to end up coping with birth and a newborn and also feeling like you have to reassure your husband he comes first.

Sorry about your miscarriages, it's shit Flowers Good luck for your baby.

Ohyesiam · 24/09/2019 16:15

Big life decisions are complex, and so are people.
I would think that someone who had no reservations about starting a family hadn’t thought it through.

To be 100% behind something so big is naive.
It’s good that he’s communicating with you, you need to communicate your fears to him.

Bluetrews25 · 24/09/2019 16:19

Hmm. I think we love our partners romantically and have a protective love for our DCs. There is plenty of room on my 'person I love most' podium!
DPs have to come to terms with the DCs taking up more of our time and attention, and sometimes they feel this equates to not being loved as much. It doesn't have to, IMHO.

Myriade · 24/09/2019 16:20

I think fertility issues and miscarriages are putting a hell of a lot of pressure on couples/relationship/individual partners.

If you have had quite a few miscarriages, have you been referred to a fertility clinic and could you access the fertility counsellor that is often attached to those centres?
I think he needs to talk about those sad feelings because it’s impossible to know if it’s due to his past experience as a father, the sadness of losing a baby, the sadness of seeing what he would like (have a child with you) getting further and further away etc....
And you probably would do well to have some sessions together too.

Infertility and miscarriages are hard :(

madcatladyforever · 24/09/2019 16:28

Having a child always changes the dynamics of a relationship. He probably already knows this as he's had children.

He's obviously broken up with his previous wife. Did that have anything to do with it?

Ellisandra · 24/09/2019 16:31

@iknowyoui I’m not angry. It’s just the internet. I do think he sounds a bit of a nob - but I’m only going off what you’ve said!
Look, I know you don’t want to hear that it’s something to worry about. Who does? But you started the thread because YOU have concerns about what he said. So although I understand why you’re defensive, turning it round on me accusing him of being awful and defending that isn’t really going to get you anywhere. I don’t like his comments - but neither did you. So don’t he cross with me for sharing YOUR concerns!

I do think it’s pathetic (and worrying) for him to be talking about being sad at the thought of you loving someone else more than him. Makes him sound more like a young child who thinks a baby on the way is going to be loved more.

Novembersbean · 24/09/2019 16:43

It's good that he acknowledged his fear and seems to still want to go ahead - as you say it would be unfair and hypocritical of him to actually change his mind and expect you to be alright with it, but it doesn't sound like he's going to.

Contrary to what a lot of people on here have said, I don't think everyone loves their children MORE than their partner. I love them both equally, unconditionally etc. I don't like the way everyone (even you) are saying of course he loves his children more than you, it doesn't have to be a hierarchy and you don't need to be "put in your place" on the scale just because there are kids involved, children and life partners are both highly significant roles in your life and family does not need to exist on a ranking system.

What IS true though is that you do have less time together, the time we have is often more conflict filled because sleep deprivation grinds you down and can make you ratty. It is a huge change and a sensible thing to be a bit afraid of if you love your partner and the time you have together. Just make sure he knows how important it is to you that he doesn't ultimately change his mind, but it's natural to preemptively miss that time.

Original poster
Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 16:46

I'm not cross at you, or turning anything around. I can tell by your posts you're already convinced that he's the problem 'i'd love to hear what his exW has to say' etc etc.

As I said in my reply to you, I was concerned about his comments too hence the thread. I'm not however concerned about him as a man, father, husband. I was concerned that he maybe wasn't as keen on TTC as he'd made out initially.

If you have had quite a few miscarriages, have you been referred to a fertility clinic and could you access the fertility counsellor that is often attached to those centres?

We are with a clinic. We've been offered the counselling but never taken it up. I've been on my own privately but not with H. Maybe we should consider this. Not even just because of this situation but as you can imagine, it's a mental strain in all sorts of ways.

I'm conscious that I only have his side of the story when it comes to his past relationship. I understand that she may have other things to say (fwiw they and we get on very well now) but I'm basing my judgement of him as the man I've known and been with for a number of years, who I live with and who I married. He isn't some pathetic baby, he's a good and kind husband and a great dad, but he obviously has genuine insecurities which I want to respect and deal with properly.

OP posts:
GrumpiestCat · 24/09/2019 17:10

He's just thinking aloud and its good that he's sharing his feelings. You and he have been in a bubble where those responsibilities weren't a thing and that's changing - in his experience it doesn't always end well but the future isn't written and doesn't have to repeat and it most likely won't. He sounds like he knows this, he's just voicing his "inner voice" - think about all the exciting lovely times to come. As the poem goes - "sometimes things don't go from bad to worse" Grin Good luck OP x

Hooferdoofer37 · 24/09/2019 17:17

Is he older than you and possibly starting to realise he has less energy than when he first had babies?

And are the DC from his first marriage getting to that "easy" stage where they can do things more independently, but still do as they're told? So he's enjoying the joys of kids without the sleepless nights?

It could just be that he's starting to realise what an upheaval bringing a new baby into the mix will actually be.

He will need to:

  1. give you more support (emotional & physical)
2.support a new baby (financially, emotionally & practically)
  1. Support his existing DC so they don't feel pushed out of his "new family"
  2. Deal with sleepless nights, the inevitable tiredness, possible PND
  3. possibly become the only driver if you have a cesarean and are unable to drive for 6 weeks or more
  4. Have a greater household expenditure
  5. Lose your income from the family finances (depending on your maternity leave package)
  6. Push retirement plans back (18 years of child raising plus potential uni fees to now consider)

All of these things are of course manageable and obviously worth it for a much-wanted child, but sometimes the reality of a new child really takes your breath away, making you consider the pros & cons.

It's probably worth having a proper talk with him to ensure he has considered all the above points and is fully committed to having a child with you, because it's better to do that before the baby arrives than after.

rubyroot · 24/09/2019 17:20

I think this would really really annoy me, esp if he had already said yes to kids, tried and miscarried several times.

Why now? Suddenly he doesn't want kids. And I would find that so difficult, having experienced miscarriage and the strong yearning for children after miscarriage.

I don't know how I'd deal with this to be honest

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 24/09/2019 17:27

I wouldn't be too worried about the comments if he didn't have a past relationship that failed for that exact same reason. Having children is a huge strain on most relationships for the reasons he found - you have less time for each other and everything becomes focused on the baby. This isn't going to be different for you and him. I would be very worried that he was unable to cope with not being the centre of the universe last time.

Original poster
Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 17:37

Suddenly he doesn't want kids

This isn't what he said. When we were talking he was saying that this definitely wasn't what he meant and he still wanted a child with me. It was just something he'd been thinking about.

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 24/09/2019 17:39

He's not looking forward to no longer being the most important thing to me and knowing that I'll love something/someone more than him

This is a big reason why my DH and I have decided not to have children. We love the time we spend together and neither one of us wanted to share attention with a child so I do understand his thinking.

Original poster
Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 17:44

We love the time we spend together and neither one of us wanted to share attention with a child so I do understand his thinking

I do understand it as well. I guess as I said upthread, as I've always shared his attention with a child anyway, I've never really thought about it like that. It wouldn't be new to me in that sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iknowyoui · 24/09/2019 17:48

Is he older than you

Yes but not by anything significant. A couple of years.

And are the DC from his first marriage getting to that "easy" stage where they can do things more independently, but still do as they're told?

Yes they are a lot more independent these days.

OP posts:
MitziK · 24/09/2019 18:05

'Get the fuck over yourself and stop whining like a jealous toddler' would be my response.

sonjadog · 24/09/2019 18:36

Really? If your partner confided his worries to you, you would react like that? How miserable it would be to live in a relationship where you can't admit how you really feel without being told to "get the fuck over yourself".

30to50FeralHogs · 24/09/2019 18:45

Hmm. I think we love our partners romantically and have a protective love for our DCs. There is plenty of room on my 'person I love most' podium!
DPs have to come to terms with the DCs taking up more of our time and attention, and sometimes they feel this equates to not being loved as much. It doesn't have to, IMHO.

Agree with this 100%. Everyone saying "Of course he loves his DCs more than you!" are missing the point that its possible to love everyone equally but differently. The ones acting like your spouse needs to just accept not feeling loved or getting any attention will be the ones surprised when their husband fucks off and has an affair.

Its possible to keep your relationship as a priority AND to love your DCs and being aware of it is half the battle.

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