SORRY FOR THE ESSAY IN ADVANCE BUT I MEED TO VENT...I have a 6 week old baby who is very fussy and I am struggling to adjust to parenthood. She has reflux among other things and even getting out of the house is like a military operation that takes half of the day to plan and execute. I also had a very difficult ECC and subsequently lost a lot of blood and have healed quite slowly and still feel I’m barely halfway to feeling normal (whatever that is these days).
My in laws are fairly local about 20-30 min drive and they keep suggesting things like “popping in for a cup of tea”. Which is fine, I understand the importance of me getting out which I do as much as I can, I have a dog so walk every day and see friends as much as possible etc and she is their first and probably only grandchild so they are understandably excited and keen. However we are now at a point where they are expecting to see us 2-3 times a week, which I feel is not reasonable? What’s worse is they have been to us once since she was born. They are very good at making me and DH feel guilty if we say no or cancel if I’m having a brutal day or no sleep the night before. They are fairly elderly but still very capable of coming to us but always cancel when they have plans to do so and suggest rescheduling at theirs etc.
When we do visit it is also never a quick cup of tea and a cuddle it’s a 3 hour visit with lots of “well I better be going soon” to be then held captive for another hour because FIL or MIL had less of a cuddle than the other one. To add to the issue my DH’s very grown up (40 YO) sibling lives at home and they also get jealous if we visit when they are out or if they come home just as we are leaving, we have to then stay so they can have a hold. They also feel it’s necessary to put their fingers in DD mouth to suck on, Rest their chin on top of DD head (not gently) and say things like oh you just needed a cuddle from me to settle down ( which makes me feel like sh*t because I know they do it for attention and don’t really see DD in full force when she just won’t be put down, so probably think I’m exaggerating how bad it is ). DH’s sibling is quite fragile when it comes to criticism ( think Kevin from Harry Enfield but grown up) so I have to be very indirect when I don’t want them to do something. For example they text us both every day ( I don’t talk to my own mother every day) just to say “how did you sleep last night” ( erm I have a newborn so I didn’t sleep, but thanks for asking) or just “hi how are you” if I don’t text back within an hour they resend the same message. Eventually I had to concoct a story that I had this friend who texts non stop about not very much and having a newborn my hands are full so I have to tell her to stop as I can’t always reply unless it’s urgent - in the hope they would take the hint. I just find the whole dynamic really stressful and exhausting trying to keep everyone happy and so different to my own family who are very supportive and close but we speak 1-2 times a week.
I guess what I want opinions on is AIBU to want them to take a step back and just calm down and allow me to get into a routine without the pressure of having to visit them several times a week, and also how do we/I go about doing that. The other thing is the holding and passing around of DD, I’m not precious at all about my baby being held by people but I just find it annoying that every time we have to pass her around regardless of her mood. And with a baby that doesn’t settle well can set me back for the rest or the afternoon if she is over stimulated etc. Lastly as a new parent is it ever ok to start telling people not to do things you don’t like, such as fingers in mouth ( I find it totally disgusting, potentially dangerous and just a bit rude to do it to someone else’s baby).