In-laws new baby, help!!

[Newbiemumsy66]

SORRY FOR THE ESSAY IN ADVANCE BUT I MEED TO VENT...I have a 6 week old baby who is very fussy and I am struggling to adjust to parenthood. She has reflux among other things and even getting out of the house is like a military operation that takes half of the day to plan and execute. I also had a very difficult ECC and subsequently lost a lot of blood and have healed quite slowly and still feel I’m barely halfway to feeling normal (whatever that is these days).

My in laws are fairly local about 20-30 min drive and they keep suggesting things like “popping in for a cup of tea”. Which is fine, I understand the importance of me getting out which I do as much as I can, I have a dog so walk every day and see friends as much as possible etc and she is their first and probably only grandchild so they are understandably excited and keen. However we are now at a point where they are expecting to see us 2-3 times a week, which I feel is not reasonable? What’s worse is they have been to us once since she was born. They are very good at making me and DH feel guilty if we say no or cancel if I’m having a brutal day or no sleep the night before. They are fairly elderly but still very capable of coming to us but always cancel when they have plans to do so and suggest rescheduling at theirs etc.

When we do visit it is also never a quick cup of tea and a cuddle it’s a 3 hour visit with lots of “well I better be going soon” to be then held captive for another hour because FIL or MIL had less of a cuddle than the other one. To add to the issue my DH’s very grown up (40 YO) sibling lives at home and they also get jealous if we visit when they are out or if they come home just as we are leaving, we have to then stay so they can have a hold. They also feel it’s necessary to put their fingers in DD mouth to suck on, Rest their chin on top of DD head (not gently) and say things like oh you just needed a cuddle from me to settle down ( which makes me feel like sh*t because I know they do it for attention and don’t really see DD in full force when she just won’t be put down, so probably think I’m exaggerating how bad it is ). DH’s sibling is quite fragile when it comes to criticism ( think Kevin from Harry Enfield but grown up) so I have to be very indirect when I don’t want them to do something. For example they text us both every day ( I don’t talk to my own mother every day) just to say “how did you sleep last night” ( erm I have a newborn so I didn’t sleep, but thanks for asking) or just “hi how are you” if I don’t text back within an hour they resend the same message. Eventually I had to concoct a story that I had this friend who texts non stop about not very much and having a newborn my hands are full so I have to tell her to stop as I can’t always reply unless it’s urgent - in the hope they would take the hint. I just find the whole dynamic really stressful and exhausting trying to keep everyone happy and so different to my own family who are very supportive and close but we speak 1-2 times a week.

I guess what I want opinions on is AIBU to want them to take a step back and just calm down and allow me to get into a routine without the pressure of having to visit them several times a week, and also how do we/I go about doing that. The other thing is the holding and passing around of DD, I’m not precious at all about my baby being held by people but I just find it annoying that every time we have to pass her around regardless of her mood. And with a baby that doesn’t settle well can set me back for the rest or the afternoon if she is over stimulated etc. Lastly as a new parent is it ever ok to start telling people not to do things you don’t like, such as fingers in mouth ( I find it totally disgusting, potentially dangerous and just a bit rude to do it to someone else’s baby).

I agree. I would say you aren’t healing And are going to do no driving for two weeks. Use that time to decide what works for you- once a week? And just say you’ve been struggling and need to spend more days at home, they will have to visit.

Just because they bought you some stuff, does not mean that they get to hijack and dictate your life!

Your baby is only six weeks old, you are still in the forth trimester. You need to spend time bonding with her, setting a routine and enjoying motherhood.

Stop being a people pleaser and ignore any passive/aggressive guilt tripping.

I'd stop the trips during the week at least - others have come up with good reasons. You could say the health visitor has advised you to stop driving so far for a while or something.
DH needs to deal with this anyway, and certainly he shouldn't be expecting you to be going by yourself (if he is).
As a pp said, you're still in the forth trimester, baby should be with you at home really and bonding not in the car all the time and having her mouth stuck with other people's fingers

Stop trying to keep them happy. You have a baby now. She is your priority. It's lovely thy the in-laws want to see lots of her but it is their job to work around you and your new baby. This is how it's always been. Most normal people would not expect someone to cart a 6 week old baby around regularly to visit them - they would be polite enough to come to you, and if they're really nice they will stop at the shop on the way to you and pick up some basic supplies for you.

Start to look at local baby activities so you aren't so available eg baby group, baby massage etc. Then explain you're getting into a routine but they're welcome to pop over in the afternoon if they like.

It doesn't need to be a great point of conflict, just a quick explanation that you really would prefer them to come to you for a bit. And as pp said, of they cancel them they can just rearrange to come another time and if that doesn't work, never mind as they will see you with dh when you pop in at the weekend.

@Newbiemumsy66 Any update OP? x

Get one of those door signs that says “pls don’t ring bell etc sleeping baby inside” and ignore them. Leave a msg on answering machine - “either napping with baby or bathing baby” and ignore phone. Mobile onto silent. Explain all to DP and they should in theory back the fuck off.
Then when you’re ready, nearing Christmas perhaps, you can reintroduce them - maybe you suggest every Tuesday they pop round so it’s a weekly thing and it’s once. Make it in the morning so you can say, you’re off to baby swimming/playgroup etc.

In a way the fact that they want you to go to them puts you, as it were, in the driving seat.

You need to be less afraid of offending them and more concerned with what suits your new baby and you.

Let them know that you will come and visit when you've healed properly and when baby is a bit more settled, but at the moment you're finding too much driving is causing you not to heal properly. Also you've had no sleep and you just don't feel safe driving too much at the moment, there are a hundred and one reasons why you can't visit them.

Two or three times a week is ridiculous, your life does not revolve around them and their wants.

All that apart you really do need to take care of you and your new baby. You're learning a whole new set of skills and you need time to yourself to do that and get to know your baby.

I know it's hard but try to be firmer otherwise you're going to end up with a situation in which you're spending most of your week at their house. Set some boundaries now.

You had the perfect excuse not to be driving because of the c section. Why have you been doing that much driving so early? You are still recovering really.

It is far too much and you’ll find soon enough, your baby will become fussier about naps. At 6 weeks most just sleep when they’re tired in the day. By 4m that’s often much harder. Sometimes you just have to say no.

Tell them that you are only 6 weeks in, you’ve been doing too much, and have been told to take things more gently.Tell them they are very welcome to visit on Tuesdays or Thursdays when you don’t have HV or clinic or mum & baby, but you won’t be driving for more than two or three minutes until you are properly healed.
You really need to get some boundaries in place.

And the fingers in mouth thing is revolting.

My sil has just had a baby and we're very close but still I've only been getting round about once every 1.5 weeks. It's brutal having a newborn, you need the rest.

Also, fingers in mouths is discusting. What if they havent washed after having a wee.. Or worse.. 🤢

Once a week is fine but do not make it the same day, i.e., every weekend. Experience tells me you're setting a precedent that will be a hard habit to break. And your DH shouldn't be 'piggy in the middle', he should be on your side. This will only get worse as they get older, frail and more demanding. Be careful.

You don't owe them anything. Just keep saying no and enforce your boundaries and remind your DH to do the same. They sound exhausting. When they ask you to visit just say "no not today I'm busy" and don't engage with the constant texting.

I can't believe how many people haven't read the OP properly.

She is seeing them multiple times every week. They won't come to her, she is making a 40-60 minute round trip with an unsettled baby each time.

It's fucking ridiculous!

Agree with PPs, you're setting a dangerous precedent where they feel entitled to your time and to be prioritised over you and your wants and needs.

You're allowed to walk your own dog. You're allowed to see friends ffs. Why do the in laws get first dibs on OP's time?! She is a new mum, recovering from surgery, on broken sleep... she should do whatever will make her feel well and help her rejoin the world.

There are some good potential texts up the thread. Start out polite and cheerful. Let DH be 'piggy in the middle' if they want to sulk. They are his family!!! Why are you doing all the emotional labour here? If they sulk pass the phone to DH and he'd better have your back.

I'd also make the weekend visits less regular. As your child grows up you will have a lot of demands on your weekend. If there is a 'written in stone' expectation that you appear at the parents in law every Saturday then you'll find that really limiting.

Obviously do it all with kindness, love, send lots of photos, visit when you want to, invite them as much as is comfortable etc. but make sure you are in charge and comfortable.

Your mat leave is a special time. It is for you to recover, bond with your baby, find your feet as a mum. It is not so you can amuse PIL. You are not on their pay roll or at their beck and call just because you gave birth to their grandchild.

Oh and the finger in the mouth thing is disgusting.

Next time they do it 'oh, FIL please don't put your finger in her mouth. I've just been reading about how easily babies can get sick from that.' Then- Quick change of subject.

Also the chin on the head- she's 6 weeks old, that's not age appropriate. 'Mind her head please SIL' and if she keeps doing it, take your baby back.

I would never have agreed to this. I would just say I didn't feel up to driving at the moment and was recovering and relaxing. Start developing a social circle. Your baby shouldn't become their hobby. They should make as much effort re visiting as you. Go if you want to go but you are in charge of your life and decisions. I'd find once a week plenty and wouldn't want to visit anyone every single weekend. Your partner sounds a bit of a mummy's boy who hasn't really grown away

I wasn’t even driving at 6 weeks post section! I certainly wouldn’t have been in your situation-I would have said the insurance company said no.

If you visit them at the weekend, that’s enough.

To be honest-I would probably blow at this point to my DH to the point where I’d want him to visit his mother and say it’s all too much for me. The repeated phone calls if I don’t reply need to stop, and the mid week visits need to stop. I don’t see my mum that much and she lives round the corner and we get on very well!

See her with DH at the weekend. That will do for now. If they don’t like it-what will they do??

I presume your mil drove to her in in laws with a newborn several times a week and phoned them daily?

When Dd was 4 days old my IL visited and kept asking for things whilst they cuddled ds. DM went loopy and SHOUTED ‘she’s has major abdominal surgery and is on bed rest for 6 weeks.’
It shook me to my senses and I didn’t do anything for 8 weeks until I felt relatively human again. Stop this nonsense immediately. Are you still going to be running round after them if you have more dc and return to work? No so why now.

If you're not a confrontational person OP, you might just want to tell them you're starting an eat/play/sleep (or similar) schedule now that she's 6 weeks. Unfortunately you can't keep visiting as you really need to stick to the schedule.

You say you would love love love to see them, and you hope they can visit you on mondays between 10-11 or whatever. You say they often cancel their plans to visit you (score!) you've made the offer, no one can fault you.

Then just pretend she has set nap times and keep offering a slice of your week that suits you.

How is it going @Newbiemumsy66 ?

DH is supposed to be piggy-in-the-middle. That is his actual role in this situation. He's their son/brother and you and DC's husband/father. He is in the middle for a reason; to protect you and DC from unreasonable demands while trying not to alienate anyone. Who else could or should be doing this?! Let him get on with it and don't feel bad.

Fingers in the mouth person does not get to hold baby until they understand not to do this. It's disgusting, unsanitary and puts baby at unnecessary risk. I blame the late Princess of Wales for popuarising this.

"Before you hold her I need you to guarantee you will not put anything in her mouth. Her immune system is not fully developed yet." If the person doesn't agree, they don't get the cuddle. You say who holds baby, for how long and who they pass her to.

If you have to, buy one of those scarf things and wear her tied to you!

Make them come to you. What you're doing is too much.

Be bold!

My own parents were like this. First GC, my mum was so overbearing texting 3+ times a day 'how's baby?', 'how's baby now'?',' can you send pics?' etc etc. Worse as we had a direct WhatsApp chat, a family chat and a female family members chat so she was doing it in a way that looked to others it was nowhere near as much as it was. I eventually cracked to my sister and she had a word with her which helped hugely. I get she was super keen, no bad intentions but it was v stressful and I was exhausted BF'ing, no sleep etc.

Best advice I can give is to speak up. Don't wait till something small makes you snap and you come over as 'unreasonable mum' (when you're not its the straw that broke the camels back type snapping!). Just msg a family chat that it's nothing personal but you're feeling really stressed, knackered and overwhelmed trying to get into a routine with new baby and putting a lot of pressure on yourself to satisfy others expectations so you've spoken with DP and you're messaging everyone to say for the next month at least you're pulling back visits and won't be answering texts except between defined time eg 3-4pm where you'll get back to folk as you need some space mentally and want time to get into a routine with bub (so they can't say oh we'll take bub off you etc). That way you're not singling them out (even though it's them as needs it!!) but you're making them v aware for then and for future if it gets too much you pull back. If they're anything like mine - they'll hopefully get the message. Then when your month is up say you want a defined day and time (blame nap routines!) for visits turnabout.

Oh and for fingers in mouth, be blunt about that don't hold back. Don't make up an excuse just say can you please keep fingers out babies mouth I don't want you to do that. You don't need to explain why - it's your baby your rules. And if they try to laugh you off say sorry either fingers out or no cuddles. Your baby needs you to be strong on this till their immune system is robust enough, as do you as when they get a barking cough or snotters nose you'll get bugger all sleep!!

I feel really angry for you reading your posts. it's an absolutely ridiculous situation in any event never mind 6 weeks pp from an emergency section.

take a step back. manage each situation as it arises.

• message from bil/sil: ignore until you feel like replying
• fingers in baby's mouth: "please don't do that" take baby back if they don't listen
• stop going over: "you're welcome to pop round on Tuesday for a cup of tea at 2pm but we'll be going out at 3pm for health visitor appointment. no sorry I won't manage over to you this week.

start making your own rountine. baby groups, classes, coffees, appointments, walks whatever.

it's perfectly legitimate to plan being at home to rest and relax. "sorry I'm busy then"

you sound like your managing your recovery very sensibly otherwise. get on top of this asap. the longer it foes on the harder it it'll be.

congratulations the baby OP

My inlaws (mil and gpil) ruined my time with my first and left me in a pretty bad way. DH completely prioritised them over me saying how they loved dd as much as me and had as much right to spend equal time with her as us. We had to drive the 3 hour round trip twice a week to spend the time in the grandparents stinking living room. They would suck my daughters fingers and tell me how shit I was. The final straw was dh grandfather being that insistent on kissing my baby on the mouth when she was screaming and distressed that he cut her lip open. I walked out and we drove home in silence and I told dh to get fucked that she was never going there again. We have been nc since then.