To think maybe he's too young?

[Gooseygoosey12345]

DS started nursery today. He turned 2 in July. I'm starting to think I've made a mistake starting him at this age. I know lots of children start younger but I feel like we're in between. I stayed with him but he cried as soon as he couldn't see me. He's very shy and wary of new people and generally won't talk to anyone he doesn't know. He won't let anyone pick him up except me and DH. I thought this might do him some good but I don't know if I'm pushing him too much. Should we struggle through or wait til he's a bit older (3 maybe?) and he can understand more? I just don't know what to do for the best. He doesn't have to go, I'm studying at the moment so I'm at home but was going to use the time to study, I can take a few hours in the evening instead though.

Might it not be an idea to start by taking him to a 'stay and play' / 'parents and toddler' type group first, so he gets used to being in a different environment, to sharing toys, to being surrounded by other children, to doing things like singing songs as part of a groups / listening to a story as part of a group / etc. etc. as an 'in between step' between being just at home with you and being left.?

Mine started at 12 months so I could go back to work part time and she still hates it two years later. She's painfully shy and it makes me feel awful. If he doesn't have to go I'd try more church hall type groups where you stay nearby maybe?

I'm interested to know what advice you get, I'm hoping DS will go to nursery at 2.

What classes and playgroups have you tried? Does he like playing with other children? Is it that he misses you or that he dislikes the environment?

When you say he started today, was it a settling in session?

Mine started at 3 months and was fine up until he turned two. Then he used to cry when I left. But was fine shortly after. Maybe it's a toddler thing with some kids? He was back to normal after a few months tho

they all cry in the beginning - its a lot worse for the parents imo. Get more settling sessions in. Many children i know start at 1..... because you know, work etc.

We've been to stay and play groups, there's some brilliant ones around here. I think it's more that he thinks I'm going to leave him (I haven't yet, this was a settling in session). He cried when he couldn't see me. We're in again this morning. I don't know whether it's best to leave him for a little while or stay the whole time again. If we're going to go with it I don't want him to think I'll always be staying.

He's ok with other children. Still at the parallel play stage, he seems to also think everyone is going to steal his toy, no idea why as we've only ever encountered lovely children who seem ridiculously good at sharing!

Goosey my 2 year old (2 in May) is also suspicious of other kids intentions at playgroups.
When a child approaches him he often holds the toy behind his back and flaps his hand in their face going ‘away, away!’ like you’d do to try and swat a fly 🙈

My son started nursery at 18 months (he's 2 now). He only goes for one day a week.

The first settling in session he didn't even noticed I'd gone. Everyone was surprised at how good he was about it. The next two did not go as well.

The first couple of months he was upset at drop off. I expected that from the settling in sessions and it was only one day a week. They said that he would be upset for maybe half an hour and then he would be ok. He had his comforters out a lot when he started.

Then we went on holiday and I expected it to be much worse afterwards, but no. We have not had a tear since. He practically runs to his room, and leaps on his key person (who he LOVES). If I'm lucky I get a wave goodbye.

My point is, it does take a bit of time. They have to get used to you leaving and coming back. It's a new environment, with new people. But they do settle, some quicker than others.

Good luck!

have you explain to me that it just for the day? Mine went from 9 months and absolutely adored it. He still cried at the start!

I used to work in a pre school. Even 3/4 yos cry at first usually. Usually it can take between a day or two and 3 weeks for children to settle fully without crying at all when first left, some even longer but they still love it.

Most of the time they cry for a minute then when distracted are absolutely fine for the rest of the time.

My DS was just turned 2 when he started, he cried for a few minutes every time for 3 weeks, he was going twice a week. He still loved the sessions. DS2 was same age but had been taking DS1 every day since birth and was begging to go from 1 yo, they weren't allowed to go till they were 2 so he was so desperate by then.

You really need to give it time.

@JadeDragon23 that's exactly what he does 😂 it's quite funny to watch
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I think we just need to stick it out and he'll get used to it. I sat out in the car and they had to get me after 5 mins. I think I needed to be clearer that they need to leave him to it as he doesn't like people fussing over him and they were trying to get him to play. We're going to try again tomorrow. I think 3 hours is a bit long for him as well so going to discuss shorter times to start with. Going to give it a couple of weeks and if we make no progress I'll pull him out and wait 6 months then try again.

I’d definitely try again in a year if he doesn’t actually have to go.

I would see how it goes, but I sort of think if they don't have to go they are better at home. My dd is virtually same age and she sounds the same too, I think she would struggle settling in. I am not sure when to try her.

Don't put him in at 2 if you don't need to! Have him at home as it won't be forever.

If he doesn’t have to go for you work or mental health then don’t send him.

I was always of the sentiment of don't send them if you don't have to but I think he needs to go for himself so that he's more confident away from me. I don't want him to get to school age having never been away from me then not being able to cope. He needs to be able to focus on his learning when he does go to school so he'll definitely be going to nursery, whether that's now or in 6 months or a years time. I just honestly believe that it's best for him in the long run and I can stay at nursery as long as he needs me to and if he's not ready we'll try again at a later date.

@BertrandRussell that's a good point though about mental health, I think my mental health would probably improve quite a lot if he can settle somewhere else. I just felt selfish saying that which is absolutely ridiculous but really it would be good for both of us.

Mine both started at 2 (2 days a week). DD1 was a bit wary and clingy for the first week or two, then absolutely fine. DD2 cried when I picked her up on her first day as she didn’t want to leave! Both were really upset when they left for school and ask to go back to the summer club as they loved it so much.
It’s early days so I’d persevere a bit longer. If he really doesn’t settle then rethink.

@SoyDora I think you're right. We've got to give it a go before we throw the towel in. He does actually enjoy playing when he's there as long as he can see me so I think we'll work on it and see how it goes. He's excited to go as well so it would be a shame to just call it quits so early

If he doesn’t have to go for you work or mental health then don’t send him.

What crap.

OP, my twins just turned 3. They’ve been going to nursery since January, two mornings a week at first then three mornings a week.

I hadn’t planned to send them, but one was entitled to the funding because he receives DLA and now they both do (they are both diagnosed with ASD now).

Obviously you don’t want them to be upset, but honestly this is the normal reaction - we had never left the twins with anyone before they started nursery and they didn’t care if we were there or not, still don’t. All the other kids pretty much cry at drop off or did in the beginning.

It has done them a lot of good and I’m sure it will do him good too. Is it only 3 hours once a week or more than once? Every nursery we contacted said they really need two sessions a week at least to get settled in and I would agree.

I think your concerns become far more common since maternity leave was extended and more babies didn't go to nursery until they were 1-2, just at the stage when they become more aware of the people around them. My DD started nursery full time when she was 4 months old along with several others of the same age, so she was completely familiar with the environment when she got to a clingier stage. She still used to have the odd funny 5 minutes in the toddler years though. It sounds as though you are framing nursery very positively with him, which is great. Try not to sneak out without him seeing you leave, always ell him that you will be back and reinforce that message when you collect him. Good luck with the nursery & your studies.

Keep trying if you can. I'm a reception teacher and can tell a mile off children who have not been to nursery and they seem to struggle more socially and with settling in. Imagine what it's like in reception when you can't do shorter sessions and you staying with him as easily. It's better for him now imo.

Some hildren aren’t ready at two.,DS1 couldn’t settle at playgroupnat this age and after a few awful weeks we left it. At 3 he went to nursery (attached to primary school) five mornings a week and cried when he was left for more than a year.😱.

At this point he was ok a few minutes after he was left and we tried everything. I’m glad I didn’t force it at 2.