To think maybe he's too young?

[Gooseygoosey12345]

DS started nursery today. He turned 2 in July. I'm starting to think I've made a mistake starting him at this age. I know lots of children start younger but I feel like we're in between. I stayed with him but he cried as soon as he couldn't see me. He's very shy and wary of new people and generally won't talk to anyone he doesn't know. He won't let anyone pick him up except me and DH. I thought this might do him some good but I don't know if I'm pushing him too much. Should we struggle through or wait til he's a bit older (3 maybe?) and he can understand more? I just don't know what to do for the best. He doesn't have to go, I'm studying at the moment so I'm at home but was going to use the time to study, I can take a few hours in the evening instead though.

@SinkGirl it's every morning. I figured the same, the more often he went the more likely he was too get used to it. It seems like different things work for different children, which is usual I suppose! It's nice to hear from a primary school teacher that it does make a difference, at least that's a positive! We'll see how it goes over the next couple of weeks then

It wouldn't be so bad if I knew he was going to settle after a few minutes, a few tears when I leave isn't the end of the world, I just don't want him to be upset for ages

It is difficult. I’m sure that this is going to be deeply unhelpful, but one of mine went happily to nursery- then cried every day of reception, and the first week of every school year after that up to and including year 6. The other one was so upset all day at nursery that they strongly advised me not to send him so I didn’t. He stayed home and trotted happily into school without a backward glance.

If you need tie time then keep trying. If not, then not. It probably won’t make any difference to him. You are allowed to prioritise yourself sometimes.

It’s only been one settling session, I wouldn’t make any decisions for a while. He will get used to the fact that it’s fun there and you are coming back - I would keep going and see how he gets on.

Thank you all. It's really reassuring to hear other people's experiences and opinions
@BertrandRussell yes you're so right! I am allowed to want a little down time, I need to tell myself that more often.
Fingers crossed tomorrow will go well. If it doesn't work out then we'll deffo work on some other kind of separation, I think it'll do him good

Currently sat in the car hoping that it'll last more than 5 minutes this time! Wish us luck

How was it this morning? Is he still there?

Well he cried on and off for 20 mins. They called me to come back in but I think that's the worst thing to do. He would've settled eventually and all the whole time I'm going back while he's crying enforces the idea that if he cries I'll just come back. I'm just getting really frustrated and it probably makes me sound like a terrible mum but I can't take another 3 hours sat in a nursery

That's a shame. Do you think it's definitely the right nursery for him?

As an aside, if nursery calls as the kid is too hysterical, what of working parents who literally need to be at work coz you know, we all need a house and some food?

In your case OP, I'd play it by ear. My niece used to be all over the place when I left, but apparently as soon as the day got going she forgot all about me. I know because I watched her through the window a few times after a distressing drop-off.

Just to say we’re in exactly the same situation with DD and I sympathise. I do need this time for all sorts of reasons so I am willing her to settle soon. Fingers crossed for you too.

He will settle; my DD started childcare at 12 months and settled in no problem but when we moved when she was just under 2 it took her quite a while to settle as she was that much older and more aware of what’s going on. Once settled she loves it and it’s done so much for her development.

@MRex I was literally just saying this to DH. I'm starting to think that it isn't. Sounds weird but they're just "too nice". I don't think they're willing to just leave him to it. We're very rural and the only other option around here is preschool where he'll have to wait until he's 2yrs8mnths, but I'm starting to think that's what we'll be doing.

@VladmirsPoutine this is exactly what I said! Luckily I don't have to work but I am studying and really could have done with the time. What if I did have to go to work, would they still be calling me? I imagine they'd deal with it because it would be kind of tough.

@EssentialHummus I really hope your LO settles for you! They all will do at some point.

@user1493413286 that's reassuring. I think we've started at the worst age. Old enough to realise you're leaving but not quite old enough to realise you're coming back.

After an emotional phone call to DH I think we've decided to pull him out and start him at the preschool next year. It's stressing me out more than if I just had him at home and I'm not sure it's the right setting for him. We're going to work on leaving him with people he knows and going to as many stay and play groups as physically possible in the hope that he becomes more confident for next year. I think it's actually making him worse trying to leave him, we went to my neighbours house after nursery and I popped out to grab a nappy and he freaked out. We're there nearly every day and he's usually fine if I do this so I think persevering might not be the best option for now. I've given myself a headache so I think it's time for a coffee and some painkillers.

Just remember, he’ll be a different person in 6 months time!

Mine started nursery at 3 months old and he loved it. We had to move him when he was a toddler and one of my worst memories that still carves my heart to this day, is the sight of him stood at the glass door as we walked out of the new nursery, crying, literally clawing at the glass. He got used to it after a couple of days but I still sometimes look at him (he's 8) and feel guilty.

Nursery though, was so good for him and he is well socialised. I don't regret sending him at 3 months old.

@BertrandRussell you're very right! Thank you
@SBD1 I wish we'd have started him earlier. We'll try again because I agree, I think it's very good for them

And with all the best will in the world, it's probably at this stage a lot more distressing for you than it is for him. For example r.e. nappy-gate he didn't have the ability to conceptualise that you'd just "popped out", to him it looked like you'd literally disappeared! So be kind to yourself, you won't do him any lasting damage and indeed if you feel the best course of action is to have him at home with you then do so.

Could you find story books about going to school or nursery?

Aw. Cocomelon does nice songs about going to (pre)school.

@VladmirsPoutine that's true. I'm sure he'll turn out to be a well rounded adult... or if he doesn't it's not because of this
He loves cocomelon! I might have to have that one on repeat for the next 6 months!
Will look at getting some books on the subject too. These are good ideas

@Gooseygoosey12345 - DS loves the songs with the toddlers playing together in pre-school, in wildly hoping it's putting in place subliminal "nursery is fun" messages.

Honestly it's normal that he cries when you leave, he will settle into a routine soon enough. Don't worry just give it time. Personally think it will do kids good as they learn to socialise and other new skills.

OP, I took my quiet boy out when after a month he was still crying and didn’t settle the whole time he was there. DS2 was only a few months old and I just think it was all too much for Ds1 as it was a church playgroup type of environment where it was mostly free play. I think it was too unstructured for him and he just felt lost. He likes routine and the reassurance of a leader saying “ok, children, today we’re going to learn about ”, not someone saying “what would you like to play with?” And leading him over to the cars or whatever. He was a similar age to your son.

I left it till he was 3 and switched him to a more structured nursery, with more educational activities and it suited him so much more. People go on about kids learning through play but with the first playgroup, different play areas set out the same every day in a big church hall, with some paints in another room, just didn’t suit my son at that age.

The new nursery had a curriculum. They did topic stuff, so when it was autumn, say, they would do play-based activities based around that for a few weeks. So collecting leaves, doing leaf prints, visiting the greengrocer to look for a pumpkin, singing songs about fireworks and bonfire night, doing little cookery classes based around the theme. It was so good and I still miss it. God, they did all sorts. Snail racing was memorable! Making and eating different types of bread. Learning about Divali and making little candle holders out of clay and decorating them for that. They generally did more free playbstuff in the afternoon but the mornings were quite guided and he thrived in that kind of “school” environment. He was older of course, but I just think the structured environment suited him better. He is quite intelligent so maybe somewhere with more stimulation was better for him (current excelling at grammar school so definitely didn’t do him any harm anyway!)

So check that it’s the right set up for him, and if your instinct says take him out then do it. It was the right thing to do for DS. He just wasn’t quite ready for it when I tried him. At 3 he was much better. Took him till the second week to not get upset when I left him though.

Laughing at the poster with twins advising OP to stick at it cos her kids were fine. Well, yes, they had each other there. Most other kids are all alone, with no familiar face at all. So it’s so much harder for them.

@CurlyhairedAssassin this is what I think DS needs too! This setting is like the first one you mentioned, it's a big hall with free play and not really any structure which is lovely for some kids but I don't think it works for DS. I think I'll do what you did and send him to preschool, which is more structured, when he's 3. It makes me more sure I've made the right decision when I hear of similar children in the same position, thank you