...to not continue to volunteer here even if it means DD must leave too

[Velvetbuzzsaw]

NC as possibly outing but I need your input.

TLDR: DD(11) is part of a weekly activity group run by volunteers. She was given a place on the basis of me signing on to help. But for various reasons (detailed below) I want to bow out of it, and as expected, the club's management has said DD must leave too in that case.

1. I asked DD how she would feel if she had to leave because I had to stop helping. Her first reaction was "No mummy! I love it". Then after a while she came back with "But if you can't continue mummy then of course I don't mind leaving." Bless her

1. She is only one of 2 girls in the group, the rest are boys 10-13. She joined this as she didn't get a place in Brownies/Rainbows/Guides (very cliquey mums). I was desperate to help her confidence and resilience increase as she was facing bullying and exclusion from other girls at school. And I think it has helped. DH and I must decide - is it beneficial enough (to DD) for me to continue volunteering?

1. I'm trying to kickstart a dead career that after 10 years and 2 DC, DH changing jobs and us moving town, is proving really, really hard. In short, we have no childcare and I'm working evenings, weekends basically all the time that kids aren't home.

1. Which brings us to the crunch. If it was turning up one evening a week that would be fine. But its also running camps, hikes and undertaking training. I'm already helping at the school PTA. DH is great with housework etc but would never volunteer for this.

1. 98% of the other volunteer adults are men and its a macho environment with NSFW banter and whatnot. If I was a sporty, outdoorsy mum I'd love it. But I'm not

1. Before you say, I deserve what I got and shoulda known it would be like that - I had no idea what these clubs are like. Never had them where I'm from (grew up abroad). But I dove in anyway. I still have no idea of what most of the games and activities entail or what is expected of me. But the only other female adult volunteer sort of made me feel like a clueless idiot. Well OK whatever. Until this--

1. Another adult helper, further along in the hierarchy than me, started acting very oddly. Being new, clueless and also foreign I think it bothered me more than it should have? He was helpful enough at first then was very very weird at other occasions. Once he was following me around at an outing we took the kids to yelling: "Whats your name? But what do I call you?" I blushed and snapped "You can call me ma'am." but I ran out of snippy comments after a while. Yes we had definitely been introduced a few times. I felt embarrassed and demeaned in front of the kids. He did this "whats your name" thing a few more times, tried the whole PUA Kino thing once (look up pick up artists "kino" technique) and then once snarled "Smile!"at me when we were alone. I know it doesn't seem like much but if you add up all the many little things that amounted to an intense feeling of discomfort (see book "The Gift of Fear") I'd had enough and just stopped coming to most evenings.

1. I did tell my immediate superior, the person I'm reporting to, that I wasn't going camping with them as this person made me uncomfortable. This was hard for me. The other day when I turned up to help I find he was put in charge of that evening's activities. My stomach literally sank and I felt ill. Again there's no real reason to feel this way.

AIBU to not want to go on volunteering here?

Get your husband to do it, explain that DD loves it and you hate the environment, so he does it. Simple!

Is this environment the best place for your daughter? One where she sees the only adult female present belittled and demeaned by the men, and where the men routinely speak inappropriately in front of her?

I appreciate that she enjoys it, but I wouldn't want her learning "a woman's place" in society from this particular group.

Poor you OP. This sounds awful.Although I did have to look up PUA Kino and NSFW! Although I understand that your DD is benefitting, an organisation where a man is actively sexually harassing you and where the jokes / banter are NSFW (Not Safe For Work) just isn't an appropriate and safe character developing activity suitable for any child - boy or girl. Regardless of her enjoyment, if a group is treating her mother so awfully what on earth would these men do to your daughter given half a chance?

It’s also a bit crap that your daughters membership depends on you volunteering, is that the case for all the kids?

Sounds like a toxic environment.

My kids do a lot of "outdoorsy" stuff and I sometimes volunteer. What you describe is not normal at all and you should not be having to put up with it.

I would leave and if possible report the behaviour (including NSFW "banter") to someone further up the organisation.

Get the fuck out of there.

There are other groups. You don’t have to stick with this one.

I'm really, really hoping the organisation you're talking about isn't the one I think it is. As a family we are heavily involved in one and this is absolutely Not Ok. From the NSFW comments to the "your child can only be here if you help". Report the man in question to your district and do not let him hound you or your daughter out. I am so, so angry on your behalf.

Why does your daughter have to leave if you do?

It sounds like a bit of a shitty environment and not somewhere I’d be leaping to donate my time, unpaid, to.

Any other branches of this organisation nearby with nicer staff?!

Is it woodcraft? Is there a national organisation you can compliant to?

I was going to say get your dh to do it. Is there any reason he can't?

Do all the other parents have to volunteer so much time as well?
Could you put her name down for Guides somewhere else? Our brownie unit is oversubscribed but the one in the neighbouring village has spaces, you might find it a more welcoming as this group sounds very strange.

I understand (indeed support) an organisation having a policy of their child being able to jump the waiting list if an adult signs up to be a Leader. If that adult has then volunteered for a couple of years (ie, not just signed up for a month so their child can leapfrog the waiting list) then there is no way they would be expected to leave at a point when their adult stepped down.

How long have you been volunteering OP ?

Re the the adult volunteer making you feel uncomfortable, that is a different matter altogether. That needs to be discussed with the Leader in charge, and if you don't get a response there, then you can go over their head, if it is an organisation with that structure.

If you don't feel comfortable you should not stay, the culture doesn't sound like one I'd like my young daughter to experience.

The obvious answer is that your husband takes over, if not find an alternative activity for your daughter.

Is it woodfolk? You can go to the area secretary and tall about it. Put in a complaint about the pressure.
Parental volunteering isn't compulsory. It's optional. They can't kick kids out if you don't volunteer.

Is it scouting? I agree with the previous poster - this doesn’t sound like an environment I’d want my daughter in even if she loves it. I’ve been involved in scouting as a female and have never experienced male leaders like this. I think it’s very important in such a male led environment for them to be supportive of women. If this is scouting it’s absolutely not the norm, do you have any other units nearby?

Bloody hell it sounds a right sexist shambles! Ask for copies of their policies re discrimination, volunteering, and what to do when things go wrong.

I'd be making this a formal complaint escalating if necessary. This isn't an environment I'd leave my DD in.

Bugger that, there must be someone higher up you can raise a complaint to. He should be leaving, he is the one behaving inappropriately!

I also think it is very unfair to make your dd leave if you have been volunteering for a decent period of time.

If its as beneficial as you say it is I'd try and resolve the creepy man situation with whoever is charge then either get your DP to swap or suck it up. Give up the pta to balance it out?

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP but no, you’ve got to leave this awful group. You sound like a lovely Mum and I’m so angry on your behalf, and on your daughter’s! Gee whiz.
Work issues aside, you are putting up with too much. Are you somewhere very remote? I hope you find another group for your daughter somewhere. Best of luck

If it has so few girls and few female leaders I would be looking for another activity. Brownies in other villages/area? First Aid organisation (St John's or Red Cross)? Is there Girls Brigade? Or a Choir? (I am kind of assuming it is some kind of Cadets?)

Honestly this guy is creepy and I wouldnt want to be near him. I also wouldnt want my dd to be near him either.
The message he is giving this kids is atrocious, incl about how to treat women and what is ok to do.

Sending your DH wouod be solving the issue about how he is treating you. It won’t solve the issue about he is behaving in front of the children an the message he is giving them. Esp in a group where your dd is one girl out of few boys.

Tbh I wouldn't allow my daughter to attend such a group. It sounds dire. You are on your way to being bullied by the horrible man. It's not a safe space for either of you

Can girlguiding have you please? We really, really need volunteers and your daughter will automatically get a place in guides. You're welcome to PM me and I can send you the links etc.

I run a brownie unit and previously ran a rainbows unit and it is exceptionally rewarding. I set the rainbow unit up in my area as we didn't have one - which again was pretty straighforward.

That sounds toxic for you and makes me doubt it's good for your DD.

Could we perhaps help with other suggestions? Horse riding and martial arts are both good for girls' confidence.