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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should he pay childcare?

83 replies

roxhizsox · 22/09/2019 19:24

I am a single mum with a 18 month d ds. I split up with his father when I was pregnant but we have a good relationship and he sees ds regularly.he pays money every week and probably more than he has to if we went to court which I won’t do as everything is good. I have recently started volunteering with a local charity, a lot of the work can be done from home but as I’m becoming more involved, it’s taking up more time. I hope to get a paid role at some time in the future but it’s not guaranteed. Here is my AIBU. I have asked my ds dad to pay towards childcare so I can continue to volunteer but he has said no. I think this is not fair as he can work whenever he wants without having to worry about childcare. Also volunteering is good for my self esteem and might lead to earning money. Should I keep asking him for money for childcare or AIBU?

OP posts:

SunshineAngel · 23/09/2019 11:33

I think YABU as you've chosen to do something that you get no income for (so, it's no like a job where you would be making money for your child). It's basically a lifestyle choice for you, so no, the child's father shouldn't have to pay for childcare.

Also, if he spends time with the child, the responsibility of childcare when the child is supposed to be in your care falls on your shoulders. Sorry.

jennymanara · 23/09/2019 11:47

Yes it is unfair OP.
Legally you can't make him pay though.

Womama1 · 23/09/2019 14:29

The sad fact is he isn't legally obliged to pay for childcare or see his child or give you a break. I pay my daughter's childcare £1000 a month, I'm a single full time working mother and universal credit pays up to 85% of childcare costs. If you book an appointment with the DWP, are earnestly trying to get back to work, they will find ways to help you. I don't think it's reasonable for the RP to shoulder all costs, needs and burdens and it's frankly disgusting that the government or anyone thinks this is okay. It's not okay but it is the way it is at present.

Chandler913 · 23/09/2019 18:19

This may not even become a paid job. If she wants a career then I agree the ex should help.. So in that case why doesn't she get a job.. Then tax credits will cover some of her childcare. My ex pays min maintenance.. I pay for my own childcare

Chandler913 · 23/09/2019 18:23

Have you looked at what help the government would pay? I'm a single working mum.. 70% of my childcare costs were covered in tax credits

Chandler913 · 23/09/2019 18:24

Universal credit? Child benefit

Hopoindown31 · 23/09/2019 18:39

Part and parcel of being the resident parent I'm afraid. All a court can do is make him pay CMS levels of support based on his access arrangements and it sounds like you are already getting more than that.

Mamabear144 · 23/09/2019 20:42

Unfortunately I live in ireland so things don't work that way, when I say a substantial amount, my weekly income covers nappies, wipes, skincare, toiletries and shopping for the week, I live at home with my mam but still pay rent and then then what i have left is usually used to try save or for any bills and things, I don't drink, I quit smoking, I don't have a social life and I am quite good at budgeting but I still cant afford childcare. Going to have to wait until he starts preschool to go back to education. When I say substantial I mean reasonable amount that I'm happy with as it covers some of the costs. Ds has very sensitive skin and intolerant to milk so it adds up

jacks11 · 23/09/2019 21:20

I think his child maintenance pays for the needs of the child, it is not there to support your choice to volunteer. On that basis, YABU.

jacks11 · 23/09/2019 21:25

The alternative OP is to try to get him to take on 50:50 custody (if he does not already)- that way he would pay childcare for his days, if he also works some or all of those. You would then get those days to volunteer, study or work. The counterbalance to that would be that you would lose the maintenance you get from your DS’s father currently as he would have him 59% of the time.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/09/2019 21:26

If he works he should pay for the childcare that allows him to do that. Like everyone else on the planet.

Why is it NRPs (usually men) are the only ones excused from paying for their own childcare?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/09/2019 21:29

YABU OP- volunteering as lovely as it may be isn’t your priority, either be with your child or work to bring in money.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 23/09/2019 21:31

As I understand it you are responsible for organising and paying for childcare on your days with ds, he has the same responsibilities on his days. I know it must be frustrating, but I don’t think he should need to pay in this instance.

jacks11 · 23/09/2019 21:32

@Joxer

If you argue that the if the NRP must pay for childcare costs, surely that would only be 50% of childcare fees, not 100%?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/09/2019 21:39

surely that would only be 50% of childcare fees, not 100%?

Yes, your point?

Tilltheendoftheline · 23/09/2019 21:45

Well then that 50% thay he was paying so he could work, would then be classed as his time with the child. Leaving op with less CMS.

Neverender · 23/09/2019 21:47

Our DD's nursery bill is £1200 per month and DH doesn't pay any of that. He pays £50 a week due to how much he earns. He doesn't legally have to pay any more.

StealthPolarBear · 23/09/2019 21:50

Neverender that's shocking.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/09/2019 21:51

Half a weeks full time childcare is 25 hours. (2.5 days) That’s the equivalent of one day. So he could reduce child support by one days worth, but in return OP is getting the equivalent of 2.5 days of childcare in which she can go out and earn far more than one days worth of child support!

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2019 21:53

Waiting for the massive drip feed that the ex never has the child over night and only at op’s house for a couple of hours at a time...

Tilltheendoftheline · 23/09/2019 22:03

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart 2.5 days could be 2 nights.

Plus every other weekend. So 6 nights our of 14.

Besides that is the rule, but even if it was it may not work.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/09/2019 22:08

2.5 days could be 2 nights.

But it’s not if it’s paying for childcare. It’s 8-6, 8-6 and 8-1. You can’t say you’re having them overnight if the time is actually day time when you’re having someone else look after them.

Tilltheendoftheline · 24/09/2019 01:52

Totally missing the point. If he is responsible for the child on those days, he could quite easily have them in the evening too.

It may not benefit the OP in the long run. Because that could easily become almost 50:50.

MorganKitten · 24/09/2019 02:51

He’s paying towards your child’s care now, use some of the money towards childcare, volunteer while he has the child, get a part time paying role so you can afford the childcare.

AgentJohnson · 24/09/2019 05:51

Be very wary of falling into the ‘there might be a job’ carrot that some organisations use to persuade you to do more hours. They aren’t going to pay you if they can and are getting, your services for free.

Use the opportunity to gain experience and skills, you are asking your ex to invest in something that is very thin on opportunity to earn.

The answer was no, don’t mess up by repeating the request. He heard you, he just doesn’t agree with your hypothesis.

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