Should he pay childcare?

[roxhizsox]

I am a single mum with a 18 month d ds. I split up with his father when I was pregnant but we have a good relationship and he sees ds regularly.he pays money every week and probably more than he has to if we went to court which I won’t do as everything is good. I have recently started volunteering with a local charity, a lot of the work can be done from home but as I’m becoming more involved, it’s taking up more time. I hope to get a paid role at some time in the future but it’s not guaranteed. Here is my AIBU. I have asked my ds dad to pay towards childcare so I can continue to volunteer but he has said no. I think this is not fair as he can work whenever he wants without having to worry about childcare. Also volunteering is good for my self esteem and might lead to earning money. Should I keep asking him for money for childcare or AIBU?

No, it would be very different if using childcare to provide for his child but volunteering is essentially a hobby or desire.

Surely if you can work in a volunteer capacity you can do paid employment and then can claim the tax part back.

Do you pay half of the childcare so you can volunteer? If you don’t pay anything towards it then why should he?

Sorry but YABU to expect him to pay childcare while you go out and have a hobby. And volunteering is a hobby.

I kind of agree with Blanca87 and OP you are right that he has much more freedom than you but volunteering is a luxury. As you say there's no guarantee it will lead to a paid job. If you were wanting him to contribute to child care costs so you could earn a wage, I'd think differently. YABU

As a teacher, I know that several women use volunteering (often in their child's school) as a CV booster. Even further education courses in colleges and universities necessitate related practical experience these days. Therefore, in many cases, I'd treat volunteering as the same as paid work in terms of where or not it needs to be done. Yes, one could get a low paid job with limited prospects but surely women who are the resident parent deserve career opportunities too.

Maybe you need to keep your involvement at a level you can manage around childcare until your ds is eligible for his free hours. I’m sure the charity will understand. It’s a shame as as you say it makes you more employable, but unfortunately as with a lot of upskilling/retraining/post grad education, if you can’t afford it right now it’s kind of tough tits until you can.

YABU to expect him to fund childcare for a hobby.

Why not volunteer on weekends (or whatever his days off work are) and have your ex provide childcare?

I don’t think YABU to ask for money for childcare in principle, but since you’ve already said he gives you more money than the courts would calculate as his fair contribution, I worry you’d be squeezing blood from a stone. There is in all probability no extra money in his pocket to give you.

So you will have to get a bit more creative and split parenting instead of using the luxury of childcare.

YABVU - He pays more than what he needs to and now you want more so you can volunteer? If you can't afford childcare then you can't afford to volunteer. How often does you ex see DC?

It's a volunteer role. No I don't think he should have to pay for childcare.

IF you get the job and it's paid then yes he should contribute. But it's your time you're giving away for free

Volunteering is NOT a hobby, it is unpaid labour.

Unpaid labour is a luxury, which is why social mobility in this country is grinding to a halt as desirable professions increasingly become inaccessible for those who cannot afford to work for free

No he doesn't need to pay childcare.

If he's already paying more than he is required to via CMS then he definitely doesn't need to pay anything further.

Does he have contact time? Ideally he’d have a couple of days every week or so and you could volunteer /train /work then.

If he is already paying decent maintenance per week then you should pay child care from that. If he is not then that’s adifferent matter but nobody can advise when we don’t know how much you get or he earns

I think there would be a reasonable conversation or ask if you were in paid work but the volunteering seems to be a choice that you would have to accommodate yourself. Possibly on the days he has the child?
CN I ask why you don't work if you can volunteer?

No, your volunteering in your own time, why he should he pay childcare for it? Yabu.

I see where you're coming from. Could you rejig contact so he has the baby 50/50 then he would be responsible for childcare on his days which are the days you can work. I think that's the only fair way of doing it

@Blanca87 but he is already paying more than he has to and has a good relationship with his child. I wouldn't call that the bare minimum and not even the OP levelled that at him. Are we to assume that the child's father has an inexhaustible supply of cash? He's paying for his child already. Perhaps if the OP has discussed this with him beforehand he might have been able to offer times when he could look after his son whilst she volunteers-perhaps if the volunteering were at weekends or whatever. To want to do unpaid work and have that choice subsidised by a bloke who sounds like he's already trying his best strikes me as grabby.

No, paying for childcare to enable you to volunteer is a luxury.

Most people in marriages cannot afford for a sahm to pay for childcare so she can volunteer, it is an unnecessary expense, equating to an expensive hobby.

But we don't know if he is paying more in real terms, all we know is the OP thinks he pays more than what she would get through courts. You don't need to go to court to get child mantinence. So where or who has told her that she is getting more than should be expected? Her ex? Volunteering is a luxury but often a necessity for people that face barriers to employment. Further, alot of third sector or community organisations rely on heavily on volunteers to provide services. I think when people think of volunteering they think of people trying to fill their time doing some aluteristic work. And that's totally legitimate but for others it's a gateway to employment. Like myself. The difference is the person I procreated with could see that this opportunity would add value to to our kids future, whilst recognising creating and raising children is a joint venture. And no, we are not together.

I feel your problem, ds dad sees him 4 hours max a week, pays maintenance every week,a substantial amount. Problem is I cant return to education or work due to childcare but he can live the life he wants. Wouldn't dream of asking him for anything though because I cant stand the sight of him and my stomach turns when I see him and as much as childcare would be helpful I wouldn't want to feel like I owed him anything.

Lawfully no it's up to you to pay for your own childcare while ds is in your care and the same goes for him when ds is in his care,
And if he's already paying more than cms would would charge for maintenance for ds then yabu to keep asking

Could you not ask him if he is able to have ds more than he does for you not to have to pay so much child care?

It depends. Do you expect him to lay all of the childcare? If not where are you getting the money to pay your share if you aren't getting paid to work?

Mamabear144

I don't understand, surely if he is paying a substantial amount everyweek, you could use that towards childcare. Also as a single mother would you not be entitled to some childcare paid by the government?