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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking my partner to sell up ..

57 replies

Vivian88 · 22/09/2019 15:31

Sorry if this is long! Il try keep it briefish.
Partner & i have been together almost 5 years .. he has 2 kids who live with their mum I have a dd (4) who lives with us (he’s brought her up as his own)
Basically we live in his 2 bed flat which is his we’ve lived here for about 4 years. I really want him to sell up & us find somewhere bigger together thts ours with a garden. He says he wants to as well but concerned about selling up as he’s had the flat for over 10 years as wev been having a few rows lately. In my mind it’s because wev outgrown this place and I’m really unhappy living here now. I desperately want to move for space and garden for the kids ideally have a 3rd bedroom. He’s scared if we split up he’ll be left with no where to live as I have my dd il keep the house. I’ve explained thts not how it would work anythin is a risk in life. We just have to try work things out. Am I being unreasonable to want him to sell so we can have somewhere together? He said he won’t sell until we are not rowing as much but I don’t think we’ll be better until we move and have more Space! Sometimes I feel it would b easier to go find somewhere on my own :(

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 22/09/2019 15:39

I can see his perspective tbh
Is all the money for this bigger place coming from him or are you contributing to the deposit ?

Steviestamborine · 22/09/2019 15:41

I see his point too. Can you afford to buy alone? Could he rent out his flat and buy a house with you?

ShirleyPhallus · 22/09/2019 15:41

The solution to an unhappy relationship is never to become more committed, through buying a house, getting married or having another child

You need to work through this before moving forward with the house.

chuttypicks · 22/09/2019 15:42

Why not compromise and rent out his place and then rent somewhere larger together? He won't be so exposed financially then in case of a break up.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 22/09/2019 15:43

Can you buy somewhere on your own? We live in my flat and DH made noises about selling and buying somewhere bigger. But it is my flat and my hard work that would find the move and the risk would have been all mine. We didn't move.

Bouffalant · 22/09/2019 15:44

What is the equity in the flat?

And how much money would you be putting in to buy somewhere different?

Would you be willing to sign something ringfencing his current equity? I can definitely see where he is coming from.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 22/09/2019 15:44

Well he either needs to sell and we rent somewhere together or buy somewhere together. I have roughly half for a deposit if we bought somewhere hopefully other half would come out his flat. Or if we rent we could keep all planned deposit money in a bank account each until we have enough between us to buy. We’re just on top of each other here.. especially when his children stay they are all in one room & he has a son almost 10.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/09/2019 15:46

What capital will you be putting into the bigger place? He is not unreasonable to be concerned about this. Maybe he could rent the flat out and you go halves on renting a bigger place together. .

lifecouldbeadream · 22/09/2019 15:46

I’d rent the flat out and rent somewhere bigger- if the issue is the lack of space, that should stop the arguments.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 15:47

Buy alone. In his position I wouldn't sell at all! I wouldn't even consider it. The solution to relationship problems is not further commitment in way of joint assets or indeed children. If he were my son, I'd be telling him to stay put!

Original poster
Vivian88 · 22/09/2019 15:48

Yeah 100% I’d sign something to say we both get out the same percentage we put in if we separated. I would never want to leave him in financial hardship. I didn’t really add in before cos I wanted to keep it brief but we did for a year rent the flat out to a family member & we rented a house.. but they trashed the place so we had to move back in and do it all back up again :(

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 22/09/2019 15:49

You certainly can't ask him to sell and move into rented. That flat is his financial security and a decade of hard work.

GreenTulips · 22/09/2019 15:50

OP is taking all the risk surely? Because she doesn’t have a home of her own and he could turn her out at any moment

If he doesn’t want to commit and he’s telling you this then you need to look at buying your own place.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 22/09/2019 15:55

It’s a shared ownership as well so technically half is mortgaged the other half is rent. Sorry to keep adding details Part way through im new to this & didn’t want to write an essay for no one to read! If it was sold realistically I think after fees there would be 5k left if tht. Thank you for input positive and negative helps btw. I’m honestly not a cow I just want us to move forward and have a future together. I couldn’t afford to buy on my own i could rent tho x

OP posts:
bunnypenny · 22/09/2019 15:59

In that situation there’s no way I’d sell my flat. The relationship needs to be rock solid and stable before I’d sell and commit more fully.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 22/09/2019 15:59

I have about £7k .. if we begged & borrowed I reckon family might help us if we were few £1000s short too. Just feels we’re at a stand still as we tried renting it out and tht didn’t work as we had to pay loads of money to put it right again. Just how do u move forward in this situation as surely someone has to give?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/09/2019 16:05

In view of your update and the relatively small amount of equity he has then I think your suggestion is very reasonable. You can have a couple-habitation agreement if that will reassure him.

EileenAlanna · 22/09/2019 16:16

Getting somewhere on your own sounds like the real solution here. You're not getting on together & it could well be that this relationship has simply run its course. The upheaval & stress involved in moving home won't do anything to help solve problems, and your problems i.e. not enough space, no garden, may not be the problems he has, which may be more to do with the relationship rather than where you're living.
It's a big financial change to go from owning your own home with the security that comes with that to sharing ownership & it may not be something he's ready to do & may never be. It also impacts on his DC's inheritance in years to come which may be an aspect he worries about. As it stands, his DC will inherit 100% of his home on his death. If he buys a house with you will it be as tenants in common so that his DC inherit his half or more depending what percentage he's putting up?
He & his children have had the security of this stable home for the past 10 years, that's a lot to ask him to give up, perhaps too much.
Sit down together & have a serious talk about what's causing the rows. It may be that you can both come up with solutions to whatever's wrong but only some straight talking is likely to do that.

WombatStewForTea · 22/09/2019 16:30

He's owned the flat for 10 years but only had 5k equity in it after fees?! Hmm

NotStayingIn · 22/09/2019 16:32

He's had the flat for over 10 years and he will still only make about £5k profit once it's sold? Wow that's quite a crap investment. Is that what he is telling you?

I think your suggestion is fair, provided both of you are legally protected to get back what you put in I don't feel he really is that at risk here. It's not like he is giving up a gold mine...

Original poster
Vivian88 · 22/09/2019 16:35

Yep. He’s only paid 10k off it in over 10 years. I was surprised too. I’m honestly not tryin to dismiss it but it’s not an investment this flat. It’s Shared ownership so he’ll only ever own half of it. The mortgage is like £200 a month the rest is rent. Thts what I find so difficult to get across to him. It’s likely goin to sell same as what he bought it for.

OP posts:
IAmALazyArse · 22/09/2019 16:50

The equity left after selling does not sound right at all. At all

EileenAlanna · 22/09/2019 16:53

A shared ownership property complicates things. Is he legally allowed to rent it out? My understanding is that it usually isn't. What percentage does he own & is he allowed to increase his ownership up to the full 100%?

onanothertrain · 22/09/2019 16:54

I think he's being quite sensible not to buy with you if you aren't getting on. I also think he is telling you that he doesn't think you will be together much longer.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 22/09/2019 17:01

Where is this flat? I've had my flat since 2008 and gave £100k equity. And that's after releasing equity twice in that time. Even just paying off the mortgage for 10 years should give him a chunk of equity.