Asking my partner to sell up ..

[Vivian88]

Sorry if this is long! Il try keep it briefish.
Partner & i have been together almost 5 years .. he has 2 kids who live with their mum I have a dd (4) who lives with us (he’s brought her up as his own)
Basically we live in his 2 bed flat which is his we’ve lived here for about 4 years. I really want him to sell up & us find somewhere bigger together thts ours with a garden. He says he wants to as well but concerned about selling up as he’s had the flat for over 10 years as wev been having a few rows lately. In my mind it’s because wev outgrown this place and I’m really unhappy living here now. I desperately want to move for space and garden for the kids ideally have a 3rd bedroom. He’s scared if we split up he’ll be left with no where to live as I have my dd il keep the house. I’ve explained thts not how it would work anythin is a risk in life. We just have to try work things out. Am I being unreasonable to want him to sell so we can have somewhere together? He said he won’t sell until we are not rowing as much but I don’t think we’ll be better until we move and have more Space! Sometimes I feel it would b easier to go find somewhere on my own :(

It's all very well signing agreements in case you split up, but at the moment, he has a stable place to live. If you bought somewhere together, and you split up, you'd both have the hassle of selling up, splitting the money and belongings, and finding somewhere else to live. He may not be in a position to buy another place, so he'll have lost that stability.

Also, as pps have said, if you're arguing, locking yourselves into a joint mortgage, isn't a very good idea.

He owns 50% .. he bought it for £60k over 10 years ago and the identical one downstairs sold for £60k for their 50% share ... the flat in total is worth about £120k (wev checked on Zoopla) he owes just under £50k on the mortgage still ... obvs these r just estimates .. he’s never reviewed the mortgage in this time either .. finances aren’t his strongest point in all honestly 🙈 .. he’s a nice person and says he loves me. I dunno am I gettin figures right? x

I live in shared ownership, we own 45%. We can rent ours out but we have an excellent shared ownership company, some or them are absolutely awful and never allow you to ever own the house (ie they will never let you have the freehold) so I would look into that as other posters have said, some shared ownership doesn't allow it. It's why we spent a long time reading very boring contracts before choosing a shared ownership property with this particular company we are with.

Rent out the flat and buy somewhere together? The size of the house won’t save your relationship . Hopefully you’ll work it out . I can understand his hesitation tbh

He is being sensible. Relationships don't always last sadly. But he currently has a secure financial asset which will continue to appreciate. Maybe he can borrow against the flat to help buy another place so he still keeps his place.

YABU to expect him to sell his own house and buy one with you if you’re going through a rough patch. I can see why he doesn’t want to. Now clearly isn’t a good time.

I get the part about being sensible. But how do u ever move forward? If we’d been together like a year or so I get it. But 4 years? How long do u wait for someone to move? She’s 4 she loves being outside at nanny’s in the garden or playing with her friends outside & she asks me when we can have a garden it breaks my heart. Maybe I’m selfish but I want to give her everything I can. My partners children would b happier too. Honestly if every other wknd u had 3 children in a flat ud see my side of things x

I do understand, but but if you're arguing a lot, it's a big risk. You move on, when your relationship is solid enough, that you're not arguing a lot.

Anyway, you do have other options, as people have suggested. One being that he rents out his flat, and you rent somewhere larger together.
Family don't always make the best tenants, and some mortgage companies won't allow you to rent to family, because of the difficulty in getting them out. Just because he had one bad experience with renting his flat out, it shouldn't be dismissed outright, there are lots of people who are good tenants.

So compromise. Sell his property, rent a bigger house for 6 months and see how things are going then. Also means you will have time to find the perfect house.

What are you arguing about?

I’d get a proper mortgage statement too so you’re talking about actual figures because they sounds wrong.

Personally I’d move out on my own into rented and see if that improves things but I understand how that’s a step backwards.

I'm not sure if you're arguing that it's a good idea to buy somewhere jointly, especially if you're not married.

I don't know what property prices are like where you are, but could you not afford to look into something on your own? So you have some security?

personally i would (if i was him)!, either rent it out and you rent something together
or you buy something in your name and you live together(and keep it in your name as he has the flat)

you would be very unreasonable to expect him to sell his flat and combine assets

i wouldnt!

I brought my flat a few years before meeting my OH. Met him when he was still living with his parents. He moved in, we got married and had a baby.
I totally feel your pain re space. It is hard as you don’t have anywhere to escape to.
I sold up and we used my equity to buy a house.

We now both pay half to the mortgage- we are equals. Do you pay towards the mortgage? Can you put money towards the pot to buy a house?

I think this is speaking volumes about your relationship.
As we are in London- some of our friends have rented their flat out and rented a house.

Is he able to afford a new mortgage to buy out the whole of the flat? That would be a starting point. Then I'd look at privately renting he flat and either renting a house or you buy a house in your name so you each have a fallback property.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s not fully committed. He clearly doesn’t see your DD as his!

Just looked at your post re mortgage and that puts a difference perspective on this.

• he brought it for £60k 10yrs ago
• he purchased 50% of the flat
• 10 years later he still owes £50k
• the flat is worth £120k/ his share is worth £60k

So it’s not increased in value.
Some queries- He must have put down a deposit and he must have cleared some of the mortgage.

Has he remortgaged?

After more than ten years of paying the mortgage he should have paid back about £20k of a £60k debt.

To only have paid off £10k, he must be on a ridiculous interest rate - around 10%.

If tori figures are correct he needs to urgently review his finances.

Also a bigger house rarely solves relationship problems. I can see why he would be concerned.

I agree with him too. I’d be telling him to say put of he were my son as his child has security. Giving that up for a girlfriend and child that’s not his and with whom rowing was frequent.

I'd be more concerned about those mortgage calculations to be honest, if those are correct. He needs to review his mortgage and get his finances in check. That is an absolutely shocking investment and he is getting absolutely no return. How high must his interest rate be?!

Of course he could be lying and making out he is in a position to be unable to buy a house as an excuse

Maybe I’m selfish but I want to give her everything I can

You’re asking him to give it all to do that though and that’s not fair. If it means so much for you to do it then rent or buy alone.

Look at it from his position OP, he has a son to think of too. He has a flat that he owns and somewhere for him and his son if you were to split. You are his girlfriend and your daughter (not his nor his wife) which may be hard for you to hear, but he needs to protect his family, particularly if you are arguing frequently.

I see your point of view, your suggestion of an agreement drawn up sounds reasonable but I would try and fix your relationship first. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do, it will not fix your relationship

Yeah iv just looked at the figures people have said. Iv never had a mortgage before but u are right it really isn’t a good investment at all. He’s not the best with money which is one of the things we argue about. I like to save and he spends most of what he has which really worries me. He’s says I ‘nag’ him. I don’t mean to I just want us to hav a future I don’t want his money I just want to share a life but I just don’t know how to help us progress. It’s hard to talk about money to him. He’s a lovely guy and has loads of great qualities but money isn’t one of them which can be a huge stress. Leaves bills for me to sort out apart from the mortgage / rent I can do those as they’re not in my name x

Sounds like he’s on an interest only 100% mortgage which were available until 2008 so that makes sense. But he’s basically renting with all the disadvantages of owning.

Yeah iv just looked at the figures people have said. Iv never had a mortgage before but u are right it really isn’t a good investment at all. He’s not the best with money which is one of the things we argue about. I like to save and he spends most of what he has which really worries me. He’s says I ‘nag’ him. I don’t mean to I just want us to hav a future I don’t want his money I just want to share a life but I just don’t know how to help us progress. It’s hard to talk about money to him. He’s a lovely guy and has loads of great qualities but money isn’t one of them which can be a huge stress. Leaves bills for me to sort out apart from the mortgage / rent I can do those as they’re not in my name x

If this is the case, it's not a good idea for him to take on a bigger mortgage to buy jointly with you. this will just add to the stress. I think you are best staying put. Plus there is so little equity in the flat, by the time you have paid solicitor's fees etc there will not be much left for a deposit.