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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask childfree/less members what you have done differently to plan for old age?

75 replies

Riponblues · 22/09/2019 12:14

DH and I are in our 30's and likely to remain childfree by choice, a decision I've made my peace with....as long as I don't think too hard about my old age!

I am very close to my parents and when the time comes I will be there to help them to vet potential care homes, drive them to appointments, assist with bills and paperwork, take them shopping and generally advocate for their best interests.

Assuming DH dies before I do, I will have no one to do the same for me.

I have nieces and nephews but they will have their own parents to care for and whilst I have good relationships with them all, I certainly wouldn't say we are "close" in that way and I have no expectations of them.

I'm interested to know what others in my position have done to prepare for old age. Have you had any special changes to your will? Or made a living will? How do you plan to combat loneliness? For those of you without children who have good relationships with your parents do you also fear the day that they are no longer here?

OP posts:
mencken · 22/09/2019 12:40

advance directive and campaign for assisted dying - which I would also do if I had kids. Who I would not expect to look after me in any way. Wills are not relevant until after death.

plenty of financial provision for old age, helped of course by not having kids.

Do need to work out the practicalities of all the above if I am less independent but still want to go on living. You can make arrangements for a home-sharer who gets cheaper accommodation in return for some of the above. Not quite sure what is available or possible.

Babyroobs · 22/09/2019 12:43

I guess even many people with children don't have that kind of support if their children live in a different country or live miles away as is increasingly the case. I guess you just have to pay someone to help care for you if it comes to that. between me and my dh we have lost 3 parent very suddenly in the past ten years so never got to the point where we needed to do anything much for them, they went from the point of being relatively independent to dead with no decline in between. I think what I'm saying is you just dont know how things will work out but it's good to have a plan. Elderly people that I come across in my job who have no children have friends/ neighbours/ charity organisations who help with things.

Moreisnnogedag · 22/09/2019 12:51

I have children but don’t expect (or want) them to assist me in my old age. I have an advanced directive which is brutal to some people but exactly what I want. It includes no antibiotics for any infection at all so I am hoping/presuming I will succumb to a UTI/pneumonia pretty quickly.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 12:55

It’s important to mention that having children is no guarantee they will be there for their parents in old age. There are lots of lonely older people in care homes who get no visitors so don’t let the fact that you’re staying childfree unsettle you! Smile

DH and I are childfree by choice also and we’re not at all worried about the future. We’re going to save a ton of money by not having children and that will go towards our care in old age and the hiring of people to look after us if needed although hoping to remain fit, active and independent well into old age so we can look after ourselves.

AutumnRose1 · 22/09/2019 13:00

I don’t have children but wouldn’t want them sacrificing good times to care for me

I save

I don’t worry about loneliness but I’m single and have friends ranging from 17 to 84! I expect to live in retirement flats.

AutumnRose1 · 22/09/2019 13:02

Oh and on parents
Dad is gone
I sort of dread the day mum goes but I would hate her to live a compromised life. She is 81 which is more than enough. I’m scared she’ll get more dependent on me and I’m glad that no one is ever going to go through all the “helping parents” stuff for me.

AuntieMarys · 22/09/2019 13:03

I have children but do not expect them to look after me. We will never live close to each other .

BrokenLogs · 22/09/2019 13:06

Wow, I totally expect my DC to look after me in my old age. Would people really prefer to kill themselves than ask for help from family Confused

SmudgeButt · 22/09/2019 13:07

Him indoors says that we will do equity release when we start getting short of cash - I'm not convinced it's a good idea but have decided to not worry about that yet.

My concern is that if he dies first I may decide to move back to the country I was born in. Then again I have no ties other than older siblings, no longer really friends with anyone there so am not sure how that would work out and also I wouldn't be eligible for any type of social assistance so that would be very difficult.

I do have a group of female friends here and we talk in a light hearted manner about pooling resources and buying a large home so we can all live together looking after one another. It's a lovely idea but may not of course be practical.

AutumnRose1 · 22/09/2019 13:11

Broken “Wow, I totally expect my DC to look after me in my old age”

Do they know this? have you thought about them reaching middle age and being exhausted and depressed through care for you?

Andysbestadventure · 22/09/2019 13:12

Why are so many posters assuming they will be a 'burden' on their children. This is the cycle of life. Families are supposed to care for eachother. You raised your children, assuming they are content with the life you gave them, and happy that they infact exist at all, then why would it be such a grim concept for them to provide at least some level of care, be that admin, organising care or providing physical care, in your final years?

That attitude is pretty vile to have about yourself. You have self worth and you gave some of that to them to enable them to have their life at all.

AfterSchoolWorry · 22/09/2019 13:12

I have dc but I don't expect her to lift a finger to help me in my old age. As soon as I can't take care of myself I want to go into a home, which I'll be paying for myself.

There is no way I'd impose myself on my dc.

Looking after old people is a job for a team of professionals imo. I wouldn't ruin someone's life by expecting them you look after me. I think that's extremely selfish.

TrainspottingWelsh · 22/09/2019 13:13

We do have dc but they aren’t included in any old age care plans. Great if they live nearby and occasionally fancy driving us somewhere for a nice day out when we can no longer drive ourselves about. But no way do I want to take years or decades of their lives wiping my arse.

Plus there’s only 20yrs between dsd and I, 22 between dd and I. And I can’t imagine expecting people in their 70’s to be running round after 90yr olds.

BrokenLogs · 22/09/2019 13:17

Well they're 4 and 8 AutumnRose1 so we've not had the "chat" yet.

I just can't believe people think suicide is the better option. I certainly wouldn't want my DP to kill themselves because they thought they were imposing on my life FFS.

I'm preparing for my old age, hoping to have enough money etc so that I'm not too much trouble but even so Hmm

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 13:18

@BrokenLogs Wow, I totally expect my DC to look after me in my old age

Very selfish! Hmm

AutumnRose1 · 22/09/2019 13:19

Broken ah.

I won’t ask if you’ve had experience of caring but if you have, I’m guessing it was positive!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 22/09/2019 13:19

Well, I've got sufficient money to pay for the care that I'll hopefully never need but, apart from that, I've done nothing.

What should I do? There'll be nobody around to help me out so …… (that's meant to sound liberating, rather then self-pitying by the way) Smile

BrokenLogs · 22/09/2019 13:20

I actually think committing suicide is more selfish SherbetSaucer 🤷

Teddybear45 · 22/09/2019 13:21

If you are close to your neices and nephews it’s very likely one of them will want to care for you even if you make other plans - and if that happens while you’re in the throes of dementia your will might not provide for them. I think this is worth re-examining when they are older to have a conversation with them.

TrainspottingWelsh · 22/09/2019 13:28

Really broken?

So if your adult dc want to move away for work, lifestyle etc you’re going to think them selfish?

If you have dementia you’ll expect them to sacrifice a career and having a family to provide the full care you’ll need for years or decades?

If at 80 you’re generally just frail and no longer independent, you’ll expect them to fit their lives around maintaining your house, twice daily personal care, driving you around, doing shopping and all other daily admin?

That is one hell of a selfish burden to inflict on dc. It’s not the life most parents want for their children.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 13:30

@BrokenLogs I actually think committing suicide is more selfish SherbetSaucer

I can’t believe suicide has even been mentioned as an option on this thread! Confused It’s never even crossed my mind for a second when considering older age!

BrokenLogs · 22/09/2019 13:33

No I don't expect that they'll have to do that TrainspottingWelsh, as I said, I'm preparing for my old age.

But yes, I do expect that my DC will want to help me. Be my full time carer? Hopefully not!

But as I said, I genuinely can't believe people think killing themselves is the better option.

I lived on the other side of the world from my DP until recently but I always told dh we'd be coming home when needed. He has 2 sisters who will support his DP and I intend to support mine.

BrokenLogs · 22/09/2019 13:34

SherbetSaucer what's another way to say 'assisted dying'? Suicide.

Underhisi · 22/09/2019 13:38

Ds is severely disabled so I will will be doing the looking after ( at least as far as watching that his needs are met) until I am no longer capable. My biggest worry is who will care about him when dh and I are gone.

Ounce · 22/09/2019 13:41

I'm the youngest member of my branch of the family and I hope to be the last one standing. Draw a line, nice and neat. As for loneliness - I crave solitude. Not having children means I have the money to cushion me in old age, assuming I make it. I can't wait, frankly.