To ask childfree/less members what you have done differently to plan for old age?

[Riponblues]

DH and I are in our 30's and likely to remain childfree by choice, a decision I've made my peace with....as long as I don't think too hard about my old age!

I am very close to my parents and when the time comes I will be there to help them to vet potential care homes, drive them to appointments, assist with bills and paperwork, take them shopping and generally advocate for their best interests.

Assuming DH dies before I do, I will have no one to do the same for me.

I have nieces and nephews but they will have their own parents to care for and whilst I have good relationships with them all, I certainly wouldn't say we are "close" in that way and I have no expectations of them.

I'm interested to know what others in my position have done to prepare for old age. Have you had any special changes to your will? Or made a living will? How do you plan to combat loneliness? For those of you without children who have good relationships with your parents do you also fear the day that they are no longer here?

Can I just be clear? I didn't post to start a debate about whether or not children should be expected to look after their parents in old age. Personally, mine gave me a wonderful upbringing and as I am a) local b)do not have children of my own taking up my time and energy c)close to my parents and keen to support them, I am more than happy to provide a level of support into their old age for those reasons. I do not consider that unusual and I certainly don't think elderly parents should consider themselves to be a burden on their children. Whether others do or don't is down to them and I am well aware that not all children can or even want to care for their parents.

I have to say that there are a lot of posters who seem intent on refusing to allow their children to help them in their old age and I suspect that the reality will be rather different when the day comes. It is not a self-less act and I would be heartbroken if my own parents completely refused any help from me whatsoever if they needed it.

What I am interested to know is purely whether those who are more likely not to have someone to care for them in their old age have made any special provisions to account for this.

We joke that we're going out together, Midsommar style.

But we've talked about it and decided that we would likely sell our house and move together into a retirement community or nursing home using the proceeds of our house. We do not want to become carers for one another if one of us is unable to use the toilet/shower etc.

I have DC but am also a carer/helper/regular visitor for a great aunt on one side of the family and an uncle on the other. Neither had children. One is now in a care home hence the regular visitor part but all financials and things are sorted by me and others family members. I don’t see why not.

Why have you directed this question at childless people? Lots of people won’t have the support of children, they may live abroad for instance, and just how many people on here are nc with their parents.

It’s a case of judging when you think you may need to move into a home or assisted living, or can you live with carers going in? Who says there will be loneliness? Friends will still be around, your family will probably still come to see you, you will make new friends if you move into specific retirement accommodation which is becoming more and more available

My DF has very sadly just passed away. Unfortunately my siblings and i couldn't care for him and it meant he spent the last weeks of his life in a care home.(Fortunately for him he was able to live completely independently until the last few months) It doesnt mean we didn't love or care about him, or that we are not totally heartbroken, it meant that none of us could safely meet all his needs when he was incontinent, unable to move or even swallow.

I and various other friends and neighbours have been supporting an
elderly neighbour whose children moved to Australia and South Africa decades ago. She will shortly be moving into a care home assisted by us and her contacts from the church, the bridge club and the WI. 'It takes a village' applies to the elderly as well as children.

I have children but they don't live near me and I don't expect them to be on call as I age. Lots of people have children who don't help them when they get older, even children who live nearby.

I ensure that I socialise regularly and have a wide friendship/ support group that I work hard at. I'm good to my neighbours my wider family and in turn they will often help me out when I need a hand with something.

On a practical front make sure you save money (if you don't have children you'll be better off anyway) and invest it for when you'll need to buy in help to do the things you can no longer do.

I'd also suggest being really clear-headed about down-sizing to a practical low maintenance property before you are forced to. I see far too many widows living anxiously in family-sized houses with large gardens, worrying about the roof, the damp, the cost of heating, the rotting windows and the gardening. There's no point in hanging onto a property for sentimental reasons if it makes your last years a misery.

Wow I'm amazed at some of the attitudes on here. I don't remember my children requesting to be born so I cannot imagine why , when I made the choice to have them I should then expect them to care for me in my old age.

I am in care and I see time and again people being incredibly selfish , refusing outside help and homes and it being unbelievably destructive to their DC. No way in hell would I put my DC through that. Whilst I understand the fear and anxiety of accepting your mortality and needing help, I watch the most horrendous selfishness from parents who fully expect they are owed something by their children and use it as an excuse to run them into the ground. Nope , no way.

I want them to fly off and do whatever they want to and to experience every aspect of life.

I think suicide is a little extreme, but I am another who will do an advance directive, (I'm 40 so hopefully have some time but wont be leaving it too long ) , I also will make clear when the DC are older that they access any help , we have pensions and will save when we can and I will happily have carers etc. When DC are old enough to have the conversation I will be making it crystal clear that they are not required or wanted to provide me care , or look after me.

My DP as much as they are nuts would not expect direct care from me or dsis.

I'm single, no kids, and 47. Parents died when I was in my 20s, and I have a brother who I don't speak to (acted like a twat over my dad's estate) and his daughter who I haven't seen since she was a baby, so I don't know her.

I had to think about all this v carefully when I bought a house - first priority was to make a will otherwise all would go to twat brother. He's in it (still love him, just don't like him) and the rest spread around my godchildren. Assuming I don't get married, if I'm old and need care, then the house will pay for that.

I've also got a critical illness and life assurance policy - mainly for the critical illness as if I get cancer (pretty common on both sides of my family) I need to know my mortgage will be paid if I need to take 6 months off for chemo or whatever. I've also just started overpaying into my pension, and also into a sinking fund for emergencies. Loneliness - I'm pretty introvert and love my own space, but I also have friends of several generations - the oldest is 76 and youngest is 30, which helps. I go to evening classes, walk and climb to keep my bones healthy, and am lucky enough to have an allotment, so there is usually someone to talk to if I fancy a chat.

Withouttryimg to sound depressing, I am trying to prepare for the worst but hoping for the best! I was introduced to an extraordinary 88 year old former Aussie athlete last week who lived in a gated community and had the most amazing later life. If I can be like her I'll be happy.

“Wow, I totally expect my DC to look after me in my old age”

What if they don't live anywhere near you. Do you have a contingency plan?

We have kids but I don't really want to be a burden on them so we are largely planning as if they don't exist.

I took care of my parents full time for many years and it took years off me. They were very intransigent. It taught me a lot of the things to avoid.

So DH and I plan in buying a small piece of land nearby in the next couple of years. This will be a view to building a small cottage on it for later life, that is fully wheelchair accessible.

So the plan is downsize and be realistic, and ask for help from community services if needed. Lots of people around here live in their own homes until their 90s. BUT they tend to be people in bungalows, or at least have room to have moved their beds downstairs, and who have home helps. These are not rich people, so I think what matters more than money is willingness to seek help.

We are child free and plan to pay for our own care in old age if its required.

There is also more than just children to have relationships with when you are old. Friends, neighbours, brothers, sisters. and the wider community.

We look after.. to an extent as she’s still fairly independent and lives remotely.. our great aunt. She’s childless and going on 80 with some health issues, obvious things like chasing appointments sorting out complicated stuff for bills and taking her to appointments. Less obvious things were teaching her online banking/amazon prime and using Skype/messenger these all have silly uses but online banking means she can check her bills n debits her self without going to a cash machine (10mile round trip), amazon prime has pantry etc so she can buy basics or heavy items or weird Christmas gifts (shop is same distance as cash point) and skype/messenger are handy if her landline stops working (mobile data) so she can contact other dn who lives in the states to make sure she knows she’s not down a well, if she doesn’t get a hold of her she panics rightly so but with the time difference it means she’s often calling us once baby/other n&n’s kids are in bed and public transports sketchy so we wouldn’t be able to “pop by for a cuppa” she’d blow a fuse if she thought we dived out in a mad rush worried for nothing.. but commonly forgets to put the phone on the hook so it doesn’t charge 😂.

Chloemol because childfree posters are going into their old age with a much higher degree of certainty that they will not have the kind of support that many of us give to our own parents. This post is about planning for that inevitability, though I am interested to hear from anybody who is willing to share the plans they have put in place.

Patonpending yes I would agree with much of that. Part of our plan is to downsize a little earlier than we need to and when we do I will be looking for a village or town with a strong sense of community and basic amenities within walking distance. Fortunately we live in a very community-minded area so hopefully it won't mean uprooting ourselves too far. I am also trying to get our finances in order now and whilst I don't think we will enjoy a particularly luxurious old age I am fairly optimistic that we will be able to get by if nothing untoward happens in the meantime!

The social side of it does worry me. Neither DH or I are naturally outgoing people and though we both have a handful of close friends I can't assume that will still be the same in 40 or 50 years' time. I have no real natural inclination to make more friends now and will have to hope that I can remain living independently with my dogs for as long as possible as I would be short on visitors in a care home.

Despite the predictable shrieking, end of life planning is absolutely part of this. And more so for those of us who will have no-one to advocate for them. The default is to be kept alive. I don't want to die in the terror of dementia, the pain of some illnesses, the horrors of some others. Some of you need to look up the current Dignity in Dying campaign which is explaining the uncomfortable truth that palliative care cannot work miracles. No amount of funding, no improvement in the excellence of staff or care will stop people dying in pain, terror or indignity if we do not the OPTION of assisted dying. Yes - that is euthanasia. Grow up.

If we can get the option (BIG LETTERS: OPTION, got it?) of assisted dying then we won't get the cases such as that of Mr and Mrs Eccleston, Richard Selley and many others. We will be able to choose to end our lives peacefully and without distress to others. At the moment it is risk prison for a loved one, spend £10k to get to Dignitas (if eligible) or do something messy. And I think the latter is indeed selfish.

I don't have kids but I do have parents and I know they want the same.

We don’t have children. We both pay as much as we can into a pension and will sort out funeral plans at some point in the not too distant future. We haven’t made any other plans. We’re working on the basis that whichever one of us goes first will have the other to deal with the dead body. The remaining spouse won’t care if they lay there dead for ages because, well we’ll be dead and won’t know any different. DH jokes that if either of us get anything terminal, we’ll do a Thelma & Louise style suicide pact!

We currently care for my mum. We live where we do simply because we can get to her within minutes if she needs us. Her health is likely to deteriorate and I’m more than happy to care for her until it’s her time to go. DH is equally as adamant that she’ll never go into a home. She expects nothing of us and has repeatedly suggested that we move away and change our names . It will kill me when she goes. Honestly, I have no idea how I’ll cope without her.

@Underhisi I was about to post something similar. We don’t have money to put aside for his care when we’re old, let alone our own. The most I will ask of my other children (who also have ASD) is that they check on their brother from time to time and make sure he is being well cared for to the best of their knowledge.

When my grandmother became more infirm, she came to live with us and as a result of this experience my parents said that under no circumstances would they want us to do the same and have made provisions so that they can be looked after either in their own home or in a care home. Obviously we’d check they were ok and visit, but they do not want the burden of care to fall to us.

Wow, I totally expect my DC to look after me in my old age.

Hope you’re not disappointed.

OP what sort of thing were you thinking in terms of “special provisions”? Do you mean, have people deliberately formed community links or something like that?

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chockaholic72 thank you, you make an excellent point about life insurance and that's definitely something we need to do sooner rather than later.

If I was child free and single, I would love to live somewhere like this in my older age
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/sixty-female-middle-class---and-all-living-under-one-roof-just-d/amp/

I think a lot of people who have children will be making the same plans as you, i.e. not relying on their children to make choices for them.
I have a son, I plan to sort out as much as I can in advance so that I'm not a burden to him - and that includes sorting out the Financial and Health POAs now while I'm still fit and have (nearly !) all my marbles, to sorting out my will and writing down what I want for my funeral.
I will discuss all this with him - I don't want him having to make decisions with no knowledge of what I want and then worrying that he's done the wrong thing.

Sn0tnose same. I dread how lost I'm going to feel without them when they eventually go.

AutumnRose1 yes I suppose i do mean that sort of thing...difficult attachments to contrive though....these things tend to either form organically or not at all, but yes I would be interested to know if people have specifically joined clubs or made a conscious decision to invest more in their existing friendships/relationships with more distant family members (if that doesn't sound too calculating)

zen1 just brilliant

Interesting thread about people without children and attitudes of those with children.

I guess writing down your wishes for care in later life help. Having people in place to implement your wishes - not to look after you as family might, but who will look for a Home for you if you can’t do it yourself, or who will sell your house for you if you can’t. There are people you can pay to do these things along with paying for gardening, decorating, financial advice etc - expect to pay for lots of basic services.

Re people with children - isn’t there a happy medium for most which involves children not being totally burdened and having their own lives wholly hijacked by caring for parents, and having zero input? Isn’t some kind of basic discussion a good thing in good time, appreciating until old age emerges in different ways, what will be needed cannot be known.

In the end, maintaining happy relationships with children is so so worth it, not because they might care for us, but for the pleasure to be had now. It doesn’t have to mean living in each other’s pockets but I do feel lots of parents of adult children, in their efforts to give children space, allow huge gulfs to unnecessarily grow. Relationships need nurturing. When you have strong and good relationships, proving a level of care for that person just isn’t a burden. When you love someone, even when it’s not easy, you want to do it. It’s not about having to or pressure or burden but wanting to. And it can be at full time care level or something much much lower level than that. Good relationships mean people care about each other. Part of the planning is nurturing those relationships not just for the future but the pleasure today too, because the pleasure today S worth it in itself but also provides the context of wanting to care at some level in future.

Like a lot of posters on the thread, the fact that I have a child in no way affects how I plan to deal with my own care needs in old age. I haven't lived in the same country as my parents in more than 20 years, and I will hope that DS (who is only 7) will be as free to wander around the world and settle wherever he fancies for work or pleasure as I was.

I think the expectation that your old age is your children's job is extremely old-fashioned, and the expectation that they will be living locally, or even in the same country is weirdly parochial.