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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn baby and party

61 replies

NC2020 · 21/09/2019 17:24

I have name changed incase my mum is on here.

I am pregnant with my first baby. Parents are super excited and have been really helpful and generous so there isn't a massive history of my mum being unreasonable or difficult, we have a good relationship.

My mum has a big milestone coming up and is planning a party which originally was going to be a few months before I'm due. For various reasons she has had to postpone and has asked me if a certain date would be ok to book the party.

It is 17 days after my due date(!)

I have said to her that she absolutely doesn't have to plan the party around me. I am happy for her to have it and miss out. In an ideal world I'd have the baby early and be up for coming but there is also the possibility that I could still be in hospital or recovering from a c section or just be overwhelmed by a new baby.

She will not accept this. She just keeps saying she wants me to be there and it will be fine. I'll want to show the baby off, I'll be in need of a fun time etc. Also keeps saying the baby will come early. She doesn't seem to get it? And has said she thinks I am being a little precious. Am I? This is so out of character, I'm thinking I must have lost my mind.
Any other views greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 21/09/2019 17:26

YANBU and you’re not being precious. Newborns have a weak immune system. Why the heck would anyone take a newborn to a party? Also, you might be struggling to establish breastfeeding... just no.

Hunkyd0ry · 21/09/2019 17:27

As 85% of first babies arrive late she may be disappointed.

I think you need to stick with your stance. You’d love to be there but it might not be possible. Then leave her to it! You don’t need extra stress 🙂

NoSauce · 21/09/2019 17:29

Just see how you feel on the day. You might be absolutely fine and be able to attend and show your new baby off, which would be lovely!

Or you may be too tired and frazzled. Wait and see and don’t stress about it now OP.

TinyMystery · 21/09/2019 17:30

Your baby could quite easily be two weeks late which would mean you’d have a baby of a few days old. I had a c section and would have been fine to go to a family party at 4 or 5 days (took DS to DH’s work and a cafe at 5 days old) as long as I could just chill on a sofa. But equally you could have a poorly baby, an infection, issues with feeding... anything really! It might be fine, it might not so she just has to accept that uncertainty really.

Teachermaths · 21/09/2019 17:31

Let her go with it. If you can't be there then you won't be.

NearlyGranny · 21/09/2019 17:37

Yes, tell her in an ideal world it would turn out just as she hoped and it well may, but this is the real world so you don't know what's actually going to happen nor how you will be on the big day. Tell her you can't realistically commit but will be there if everything comes together on the day.

Remind her that you didn't plan your pregnancy to spoil her party if you have to. Ask her what big events she did when you were two weeks old...

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/09/2019 17:38

Unless she’s Mystic Meg, how can she know the baby will come early? Every first baby I’ve ever known has been late.

If she’s already delaying significantly past the event, surely an extra month won’t kill her?

Original poster
NC2020 · 21/09/2019 17:39

I feel very reassured I am not being precious. My OH is thinks my mum has gone completely mental.

It's so weird for me because this feels very out of character for her.

I have told her as long as she knows I can't promise I will come then she should book it for whenever suits her.

I feel guilty as I know it's important to her but thanks for the reassurance

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 21/09/2019 17:40

I would just let her have the party on that date and on repeat say you’ll be there if you can. It may be that you’re in hospital or only just home and don’t want to go or you may feel happy to go or just happy to go for a couple of hours. Don’t let her push you to promise you’ll be there.

NearlyGranny · 21/09/2019 17:40

And who is actually being precious here? Is she projecting just a bit? Possibly?!

Anxietyandwine · 21/09/2019 17:41

My daughters first holy communion was a week after my son was due. Obviously he came late and was born the day before it Blush with a less than 24hr old baby We still went to the church and had hired a hall for family and friends afterwards.

It was fine really, maybe a little overwhelming with everyone wanting to see us and congratulate us on baby but Jeez I’d rather have been in bed nursing my new tiny baby after a long labour. I don’t really remember a lot of it but I had to be there for my daughter, she’s only 8 so I couldn’t let her down and miss it. Your mom is an adult though.

You don’t need to commit to anything, if you and baby are well and you think you can handle it then go. If either of you are unwell or you feel it’s too soon then don’t go. Tell her that if you’re upto it then you’ll be there but you won’t know for sure till baby makes an appearance.

BertieBotts · 21/09/2019 17:41

I would tell her that if she books it for 2-4 weeks later, you'll be much more likely to definitely be able to come. As the date stands it's much less certain. Then let her decide - she has the info and she will do what she will with it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2019 17:41

Just ignore her. If the baby is pate, you'll be having the conversation then so why have it now?

FWIW I would have been giving birth 17 days after my due date so no party for me. I was very late though.

Belmo · 21/09/2019 17:42

See I’d have been quite happy to go to a big party 2 weeks after giving birth, or maybe even a week (pushing it) but not at 3 days, in a million years. My second was still in hospital at 3 days!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2019 17:42

Late not pate.

BeanBag7 · 21/09/2019 17:44

As 85% of first babies arrive late she may be disappointed.

85%?? Where are you getting that from, sounds much higher than I would expect.
I had a look at some stats and referenced articles on NCBI says 60% of babies are born before or on their due date. This is all babies, not just first born but I find it very hard to believe that 85% are late!

Anyway OP you're not being unreasonable but I would just go along with it for now. "Sure Mum sounds great". After the baby is born it will be much easier to bow out, especially if they are only 3 days old.

RunningOutOfCharacte · 21/09/2019 17:45

Sorry your mum has lost the plot on this one! Why is she giving you all this extra stress?! You can't bloody control when the baby comes or how you'll both be feeling.

First baby took me ages to feel normal again let alone go out socially. Second one I was visiting primary schools for the eldest with him strapped to me at seven days old. Who knows. But she's very unreasonable to put this on you.

SummerHouse · 21/09/2019 17:47

Sorry but I think you are overthinking it and being a tiny bit precious. I would cross the bridge of not being able to go when and if you need to. Not "what if" over it months in advance.

BertieDrapper · 21/09/2019 17:48

My DSIL had a milestone birthday a few weeks before my DD was due. DD came early and I had a crash C section.

I went to the party, I think DD was 2 weeks old. It was fine but looking back I shouldn't have gone. I was not fully with it, was still recovering from a c section and traumatic birth. Everyone wanted to grab her off me and as a new mum I struggled with that .

I would recommend you plan on not going. Then if you do, it's a bonus. But if you don't your not letting anyone down.

Good luck

RunningOutOfCharacte · 21/09/2019 17:52

Bertiedrapper has a very good point. when I had a newborn every one wanted to grab them. I really struggled with that after a traumatic birth.

Not saying you will be. But being in a room full of grabby relatives would be my worst nightmare.

I was trying to bond and my baby was being passed around like a toy.

7yo7yo · 21/09/2019 17:53

Tell her she can do what she wants but you won’t be there. You’ll have a very new baby. Surely there’s no need for any further conversation.

negomi90 · 21/09/2019 17:54

Give her choice. She books it for that date, but accepts that you might not be able to come or she waits an extra month longer (she's already postponing anyway) and you can come.
Also you may not want your pfb to be passed around at a party at a few days old from a germ/bonding/clingy point of view.

VeThings · 21/09/2019 17:58

OP isn’t being precious or over thinking. She’s simply saying she can’t commit now and will com did she can.

OP has your DM had to move the party to suit other people? Is she used to you being flexible and ‘nice’, hence being bemused and insistent it will all be fine?

You’re being completely sensible. You don’t know how you’ll feel after the birth and if you’ll be struggling with feeding etc. Tell her that the current date means you’ll come if you can, but if she moves it to x weeks later you can commit.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/09/2019 18:02

I really don't understand why women who have gone through the process of having kids do this. My own mum booked a long haul holiday for 2 weeks after my due date. I was 2 weeks overdue and gave birth the day she landed for her month long holiday. Then she was annoyed she didn't get to meet her grandchild before the other grandparents...

So YANBU and maybe just say to her now that it would be better for her to postpone for 3 months if she wants you to be there.

Camomila · 21/09/2019 18:05

You're not being precious, you might have a 20 day old you want to show off but equally you might have a 3 day old and still be in hospital (bad tear, c-section etc).