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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn baby and party

61 replies

NC2020 · 21/09/2019 17:24

I have name changed incase my mum is on here.

I am pregnant with my first baby. Parents are super excited and have been really helpful and generous so there isn't a massive history of my mum being unreasonable or difficult, we have a good relationship.

My mum has a big milestone coming up and is planning a party which originally was going to be a few months before I'm due. For various reasons she has had to postpone and has asked me if a certain date would be ok to book the party.

It is 17 days after my due date(!)

I have said to her that she absolutely doesn't have to plan the party around me. I am happy for her to have it and miss out. In an ideal world I'd have the baby early and be up for coming but there is also the possibility that I could still be in hospital or recovering from a c section or just be overwhelmed by a new baby.

She will not accept this. She just keeps saying she wants me to be there and it will be fine. I'll want to show the baby off, I'll be in need of a fun time etc. Also keeps saying the baby will come early. She doesn't seem to get it? And has said she thinks I am being a little precious. Am I? This is so out of character, I'm thinking I must have lost my mind.
Any other views greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
SheChoseDown · 21/09/2019 18:09

I took my baby to a wedding when he was under 2 weeks old. There's no rules. Go if you want, don't go if you don't want to. Don't judge those to may act differently.
Enjoy!

Original poster
NC2020 · 21/09/2019 18:09

@VeThings the move is to suit someone coming back from another country. They will still be here a month later, I think the specific date is to do with the venue.

Yeah I am often very flexible as I'm her youngest, have been the only one without commitments or a family to schedule, it's just been me. Tbh I think maybe that is all a bit hard for her to wrap her head round.

I completely get what pps have said about not wanting the baby passed around granny relatives! These are things I hadn't even considered.

Plus side my brother has just text to say he heard mums gone batshit and not to worry he's diplomatically fighting my corner 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
TreesoftheField · 21/09/2019 18:09

Birth is completely unpredictable. One of mine was born 14 days after due date then was in NICU for another 4 weeks..... We went to a very close friend's wedding 7 days after discharge but could only make the decision to attend at the last possible minute. Although physically I was good by then, my mental health was all over the shop and I spent a lot of time crying!
It's impossible for you to make her any promises, just keep repeating 'ill see how we're doing'
Not what you need really!!

FortheloveofJames · 21/09/2019 18:16

Stand firm OP, you’re not being precious. You could easily go 2 weeks over and then potentially have a newborn who is literally days old.

Even if you don’t, and best case have a straightforward birth and feel okay, it’s totally normal to not feel ready to go out to an occasion when your baby is a few weeks old. If you’re planning to breastfeed newborns tend to want to cluster feed in the evening. Giving birth and looking after a newborn can knock you for six and no one can tell you how you’ll feel when it happens, till it happens.

Be honest and say right now you can’t see yourself being able to go, but you can reassess closer to the time- and don’t feel bad about it.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/09/2019 18:23

If you do end up able to go I’d highly recommend a sling, no grabbing!

LittleAndOften · 21/09/2019 18:34

I'm so glad you have family members fighting your corner OP. I had an emcs with my first and it was weeks before I was mobile. Even then, at 4 weeks I was bf-ing and sleep deprived to the point of mania! Definitely not in party mode.

But the biggest concern for me would be passing my newborn around a party of germ carrying people - this would be the biggest no. We had to send my parents away when they came to see ds a couple of weeks after the birth as my dad had a cold. It caused a lot of upset in the short term, but if ds had caught it then he could well have ended up in hospital. He did get bronchiolitis a couple of months later and was hospitalised. It was so scary and would have been even worse if he was younger.

You and your baby are more important than a party. Your DM will get over it.

Original poster
NC2020 · 21/09/2019 18:35

@DartmoofmrDoughnut this is excellent advice and I will definitely do that!

OP posts:
Scottishgirl85 · 21/09/2019 18:38

You may be able to go, you may not. We went to an all day wedding with my husband as best man when our first was 3 weeks old. You just can't predict how you and baby will be doing, she needs to accept this!

vanillaicedtea · 21/09/2019 18:48

I think it's clear she wants you there to show off her granddaughter. She's being totally unreasonable. I'd refuse to go.

Her0utdoors · 21/09/2019 19:06

My first was born 17 days after my edd, and I was I for a good month afterwards, so no party for me. But then this isn't the kind of stunt my mum would have pulled. She had her faults, but pissing on someone elses chips wasn't one of them.

Boshmama · 21/09/2019 19:33

At two weeks pp I was still establishing breastfeeding and had my boob out 90% of the time so would not have been at any party! I also would not have let people take baby off me!

Userzzzzz · 21/09/2019 19:48

If she desperately wants you there then she needs to book it later. Some women will be fine at that point- many will not, especially with first babies. With my first, I could not have coped at 17 days but did manage a wedding at 4 weeks. With no.2 I’d have physically been fine after a few days but was very protective of the baby and would have hated being forced to pass her round a big gathering.

altiara · 21/09/2019 22:08

Ahh OP, my mum can be like this, she wants her ‘plan’ to go ahead so much that she says it will be fine!!
So, it might be fine, but it might not be. I would probably say “plan for me not to be there, but if I can come, I will be there” and if she starts complaining just repeat. You’re definitely not precious!
Mine were 6 and 10 days late. Number 1 had to stay longer in hospital as was on a heat mat and heat shield, number 2 wasn’t feeding and I had major blood loss and then got cellulitis so I had to keep going back to hospital. I did manage to hold DC1’s birthday party when DC2 was a few weeks old. Every week makes a difference!
Good luck!

Yellowpolkadot · 21/09/2019 22:22

Dd was 6 weeks early, we were home after 2 weeks so this would have been relatively do able for me. On the other hand a friend was induced at 2 weeks over, baby took another 3 days to come 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dd was due in July, and we said no to all events late June through to September (we missed a lot of weddings!)

We did go to a close friends wedding in September and it was exhausting running around with a baby, especially as she was still tiny!

Thehop · 21/09/2019 22:22

My first born was an easy labour, on his due date.

My fourth baby, was way past due date, 5 day labour then a horrific emcs and both of us in hospital for nearly 2 weeks on IV antibiotics. You just never know.

Tell her to “plan it all mum, we’ll see how I feel, we just can’t tell”

user1493494961 · 21/09/2019 22:32

I'm sure it will be fine.

Mishfit0819 · 21/09/2019 22:43

I think the excitement of becoming a grandparent takes over normal sane thinking!

We had similar from my MIL who insisted on booking a big family getaway in a 5* hotel to celebrate a special wedding anniversary. She booked it for 1 month after my due date, but I just knew I was going to go over.

She mentioned about booking it while I was 6 months pregnant and we basically said don't book us anything or plan around us, we'll see if we can make it nearer the time but there's so many factors... Its our first baby, possibility of c section or traumatic birth etc, PND, breastfeeding, time travelling with newborn, generally being in a very posh non kid friendly hotel and being new parents.. She's lovely but just couldn't let it go.

I'm the end we compromised in that we went early for an hour to see everyone and have pictures taken with baby (2.5 weeks old) then left them all to it.

Gillian1980 · 21/09/2019 22:45

Yanbu. I’d tell her it’s fine but if you can’t do it on the day then back out..... she’s not going to cancel it on the day is she?!

Mil had a surprise party for a big birthday 2 weeks after due date. I told family organising it that I’d do my beat but no promises.

I had ds 5 days early by caesarean and had some complications requiring further surgery. But I hobbled to the party and really enjoyed it! I basically sat and let people come to me, bring me food and drink etc.

Mil was surprised by the party and REALLY surprised I was there!

Don’t write the idea off but don’t get pressurised into it either.

VeThings · 21/09/2019 22:45

It does seem as if your mum might find it hard to wrap her head round you not being so flexible now. Glad to hear your brother is being sensible.

Your DM doesn’t want to make the choice of getting ‘the’ venue vs having her own DD attend, so is convincing herself that it’ll all be fine and you’re just being fussy and PFB about it all. She doesn’t want to admit to herself that, to have you there, she needs to change her venue and have a different party to the one she’s planned in her head.

Stick to your guns. Make it clear that you’re more likely to be able to attend if it’s a month later, but as it stands, she should plan as if you won’t attend but you will try to if you and the new baby are feeling up to it.

If you do go, don’t let the baby get handed round as they won’t have built up their immune system yet.

If the relative flying over is from a country where TB etc are more prevalent and is likely to see a lot of the baby, bear in mind that it’s recommended babies have the BCG.

Cherrysoup · 21/09/2019 22:46

Just nod and smile at everything she says in regards to the party then do as you please when it actually happens. You can’t predict when the baby will arrive or how you’ll feel.

Hugtheduggee · 21/09/2019 22:52

I know I'm in the minority here, but I do think you're being a tad precious if I'm honest.

If baby is late and/or difficult birth you may need to skip it, but otherwise I think it's likely you can attend fine. I think both times (planned section) I'd have been ok to go to a party by about day 4, and was out and about visiting friends, shopping etc by then.

Equally I can understand why you'd be feeling apprehensive about it and you certainly can't make any guarantees.

JuneSpoon · 21/09/2019 22:53

I was just about able to make it to the doctor's for the 2 week check up. Then I went to my mum's house and there were 3 of her friends there to meet the baby (she had asked me if it was ok) but I found it super tiring and hated handing over the baby for a cuddle. Avoid the party like the plague is my advice. If your mum is pressuring you agree you'll go then just don't go on the day. She'll be too busy to make an issue of it.

Mums can be funny. Mine was annoyed I wouldn't travel for 5 hours to a funeral of a distant relation 2 weeks before my due date. I couldn't have given a fuck. Scuse my language but I really had zero fucks to give for what anyone thought I "should" be doing at that point

Purpleartichoke · 21/09/2019 22:55

If it is critical to her that you attend, she needs to find a different date. No one can know what kind of shape you will be in. 17 days after dd was born, If someone had suggested I drag my sleep deprived self whose belly had been cut to a party, I would have screamed at them, then I would have cried.

OctoberLovers · 21/09/2019 23:00

Just germs alone i wouldnt go...
Precious maybe... But my choice

Lovehaspassedmeby · 21/09/2019 23:00

My son was 6 days late and we were in hospital for a week after a very difficult birth. I was just about managing to wash myself a few days later. Some women would be up for a big social occasion. I definitely wasn't. You won't know till it happens so if she wants you there she needs to pick a more realistic date