Newborn baby and party

[NC2020]

I have name changed incase my mum is on here.

I am pregnant with my first baby. Parents are super excited and have been really helpful and generous so there isn't a massive history of my mum being unreasonable or difficult, we have a good relationship.

My mum has a big milestone coming up and is planning a party which originally was going to be a few months before I'm due. For various reasons she has had to postpone and has asked me if a certain date would be ok to book the party.

It is 17 days after my due date(!)

I have said to her that she absolutely doesn't have to plan the party around me. I am happy for her to have it and miss out. In an ideal world I'd have the baby early and be up for coming but there is also the possibility that I could still be in hospital or recovering from a c section or just be overwhelmed by a new baby.

She will not accept this. She just keeps saying she wants me to be there and it will be fine. I'll want to show the baby off, I'll be in need of a fun time etc. Also keeps saying the baby will come early. She doesn't seem to get it? And has said she thinks I am being a little precious. Am I? This is so out of character, I'm thinking I must have lost my mind.
Any other views greatly appreciated!

Went to my best friends 30th, in a city centre 16 days after my eldest was born.

Didn’t have a goddamn clue what was going on really, but have no regrets to be honest. I’d have been gutted to have missed it. I’m glad I went.

I had an emergency section with complications.

FYI, my baby wasn’t passed around. Three grandparents were present AND they were the only ones I remember holding my boy. He spent the rest of the time either in the pram or with me.

I didn’t know if I was going to go even earlier that day, but I’m still glad I went.

You're unlikely to be "in need of a fun time" and a lot more likely to be in need of practical help, rest, sleep and time at home to recover. I've got two DCs and in the first two weeks I've had various issues including DVT, stitches that made it hard to sit/walk, mastitis, breastfeeding issues (reflux), baby blues and the worst sleep deprivation known to man. If someone had suggested I attend a party I would have laughed in their face.

17 days after my due date I was still in hospital. I actually declined my cousins wedding 4 weeks after my due date, though it ended up only being 15 days after DD was born. Tbh when the date did come around I felt I could've gone as it was at a hotel and I could have popped upstairs when needed, but everyone's different- my mum told me not to plan leaving the house for a month! I had the very rare experience of a decent hospital stay to kick start my recovery. Anyway, YANBU, she needs to accept you may not be there because even if she puts it back a couple more weeks you still may not be up to it.

OP you are not being precious at all, just being sensible, especially as this is your first. I second the "I will come if I can" statements but see how you feel on the day or you could ask her to postpone again. You can't predict how the birth will go (or when) nor how you will be feeling or coping after. When the time comes you may not want your child to be exposed to a load of new people at all.

She just wants to show off her grandchild - let her show off her photos/videos of him/her! It's not your problem. You have more important things to think about.

My 2 were both 2 weeks late. I took ds1 to a christening 3 hours away at 4 weeks old and it was not fun at all. I also took him to a wedding at around 5 months (5 hours away) no problem and a Millennium party at 6 months - nightmare. You just don't know, so I would have a getaway plan if you do end up going.

my first DC was 11 days late, EMCS. At 17 days past due date I was back in hospital with sepsis and a whole host of other nasty issues.

Second DC was a week early and I would have made a party at 17 days past due date no problem.

Your mum is being a bit silly to assume you will be there, but I'd just nod along and wait and see what happens on the day.

All the best xx

I would actually say to your Mum that the date doesn't suit you, whatever the actual birthday of your baby. No ambiguous - maybe if it comes early, if it's a natural delivery etc etc. She will pressure you as long as you aren't actually in labor, in her eyes you'll be fine if baby is born.

It's called a due date for a reason, if babies always came early, then the due date would be adjusted for shorter average gestation. As others have said, first babies are notoriously late.

Tell her that even with baby less than a month old, you will still be recovering from the birth, feeding and newborn lack of sleep - you won't be in the position to dress up, socialise and generally be the social butterfly... let alone any help she might like in terms of the actual party/food/decorations/photos/logistics of relatives.

If she is set on that date, that venue, that relative being there, then that is her choice, but you won't be able to come. You're fine with that, it's her party, her choice (it;s an invitation not a summonds!).

If it is important for her for you to be there then give her a date that works for you (ie. after XX of Nov).

Try to be as clear and forceful as you can be - that date won't work for you, but any date after XX would be fine.

Sounds like she wants to show off a new born baby. I’d make it clear that if you do go the baby will not be passed around. In Australia whooping cough has been bad and buns have died. We didn’t have visitors who weren’t immunized for whooping cough. I would turn grey if my new born was passed around a group of adults

A party full of grabby relatives would have been my worst nightmare in the weeks after my DC1 was born.

I was trying to establish breastfeeding, not sleeping, trying to bond, very hormonal. I hated watching my DC get passed around like a toy that existed for the amusement of others, even in a small group.

You'll always have women on here saying how they climbed a mountain/crowd surfed at a festival/loved passing the baby around so they could merrily eat cheese with two hands while while the umbilical cord was still attached. That's their experience, good for them. It's not universal. Many women find themselves in a fragile and vulnerable state in the weeks following childbirth and its stupid to run yourself ragged trying to carry on as though life is normal in the name of meeting other people's expectations.

Give yourself space to see how you feel, you won't want a bucket of family pressure pouring over you in those weeks.

If you feel great and relaxed and want to show the baby off- great! But if not, that's totally fine too.

Prioritise yourself and your baby in those weeks. If other people are disappointed, then too bad, it's not your job to provide them with amusement at that time.

Just to add to the chorus of YANBU and your mum (bless her) does seem to have lost the plot!

I think I would have lost my temper a bit by now and bluntly told her to stop being ridiculous and accept that my health and newborn child will come ahead of her party in my considerations, but then I'm not as nice as you sound!

Yrnbu ,take no notice of anyone, your the one having the baby,your fully entitled to to exactly what you want and what is best for your baby, chukle to yourself and nod at her all the while thinking no way Haha.

With DC1, no chance. I was bedridden and DH had to manage all my personal care.

I threw DC1's birthday party about three days after DC2 was born. DMIL held DC2 for the duration so I could enjoy DC1's party.

And the fact that they have birthdays so close together is testament to the fact that due dates mean pretty much bugger all. You need to be ready for DC's arrival by about 36 weeks, and be prepared to wait until 42 weeks. It's a six week window.

You might have had the baby weeks before and be up for celebrating (in which case I second sling mentioned by PP, Close Caboo is nice for snuggling a newborn and you can tuck them right in, can also be used as a feeding cover if you choose to breastfeed), or you might actually be having the baby. Who knows?!