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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want all the DC washing back from exP

73 replies

Annaskies · 21/09/2019 07:57

ExP only recently has a place DC can go and stay, ages 8 and 3. The first time they went I thought it would make sense to send them both with a bag of basic clothes, couple of pairs of pyjamas and underwear. I explained to ExP I'd done this and said keep those bits, wash them when worn then you've got plenty for the weekends they stay.

When they came back the bag came back with all the dirty clothes they'd worn, plus all the clean spares I'd sent which hadn't been worn.

So AIBU to expect him to be in charge or clothes and washing for them while they are at his, rather than me be his washer woman plus having to keep packing them a bag and unpacking each time?

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 21/09/2019 07:59

Of course YANBU. He should be buying the stuff for at his house.

SleepingSoul · 21/09/2019 08:00

I think it depends how long they're there and if he has the space to keep bits there for them. DD spends 1 night at a time with her dad and his place is tiny with minimal storage so she takes a bag and I do her washing. Doesn't bother me. In different circumstances is agree with you though.

SleepingSoul · 21/09/2019 08:03

To add, I also think it depends how much he has them and if he's paying maintenance. If things are going reasonably and he's paying a reasonable amount is it a case of picking battles?

Soon2BeMumof3 · 21/09/2019 08:06

What a dick. I'd send them back dirty next week with a note reminding him those clothes are for his house and you won't be doing the washing!

Original poster
Annaskies · 21/09/2019 08:07

Well @NeverTwerkNaked I did wonder about that, this is all new to me.

He definitely has space, they have their own room and furniture. I really didn't send too much, about 3-4 sets of clothes each so they've got a couple of things to choose from until he gets anything else needed for at his.

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 21/09/2019 08:07

Does he have a washing machine? If so, YANBU

Original poster
Annaskies · 21/09/2019 08:08

So tempted @Soon2BeMumof3 but I'm trying to keep the peace!

OP posts:
Boobiliboobiliboo · 21/09/2019 08:10

If you keep the peace now, you’ll be doing his share of their washing for ever more.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 21/09/2019 08:11

Ask him if he would prefer to keep the clothes organised for them to use at his house from last week or would he prefer to buy his own outfits to keep for when they visit? Decision is his. If no reply, send nothing with them. He's being a CF

Original poster
Annaskies · 21/09/2019 08:11

Yes he has a washing machine. And lots of time to himself feeling sorry for himself so a couple of extra bits of washing shouldn't cause too much of an issue.

I will try again this weekend, bag of clothes, tell him again they are to stay at his and be washed etc. If he comes back tomorrow evening with the bag I will hand it straight back.

Just feels like he can't even take on that small responsibility so even on my "weekend off" I'm getting a bag shoved full of clean and dirty clothes to sort through!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 21/09/2019 08:14

I’d assume he would rather sort out his own arrangements for clothes and send a text to that effect eg sorry for sending along all those clothes last contact visit. I guess seeing you sent them all back you’d prefer to sort out your own supply of clothes for when they are with you. No need to worry, I won’t make that mistake again! See you Saturday.

Then see what he comes back with and proceed from there.

Neverender · 21/09/2019 08:14

Don't bother next time - tell him to cloth his own kids. Pathetic.

Original poster
Annaskies · 21/09/2019 08:16

I would love to do some of these suggestions but can't face the fallout from it!

We've yet to come to any agreement over maintenance so I don't want to rock the boat right now.

I will give it one more try with bag of clothes.

Glad to see I was right about him being a CF though.

OP posts:
ittooshallpass · 21/09/2019 08:20

DDs dad has poor accommodation and no storage for DDs clothes. I have resigned myself to packing a bag for every visit. I do however refuse to send DD to school with bag, he has to collect it.

He has ruined a lot of her clothes by just washing everything together, so I make sure only things I don’t care about go in the bag.
It’s a tough one... my friends and family think I’m mad for doing a bag, but I do it for DD. If I didn’t do it, she’d have no clothes!

chamenanged · 21/09/2019 08:22

You definitely shouldn't have to do all the washing because he pays maintenance Hmm sheesh. I wouldn't send another bag of clothes because that looks like agreement that it's your responsibility. Just don't mention it to him - hopefully he won't be daft enough to actually say he thinks you should do it.

Idontwanttotalk · 21/09/2019 08:26

@lifecouldbeadream
"Does he have a washing machine? If so, YANBU"
The OP is probably NBU even if he doesn't have a washing machine. If he has to use a launderette for his own clothes then he can do the same with the children's. He is responsible for his DC for part of the time so should take care of whatever tasks need doing for them while in his care.

OP, I'd talk to him again and make sure he understands that it's mutually beneficial to have clothes there for the DC.

You mention you are new to this but try to remember, you are both new to this. The balance between cutting each other some slack and starting as you mean to go on will be delicate but you will all get used to it.

user1493413286 · 21/09/2019 08:29

I think you were kind to send clothes in the first place. Definitely give the bag back to him if he tries to hand it over.
I’m quite aware of the clothes DSD arrives in being washed for her to take back and she has clothes at our house.

Juells · 21/09/2019 08:32

I wouldn't send extra clothes. How long are they staying, just a night or so? It won't kill them to wear the same clothes two days in a row. Let them badger him for clean clothes - an 8-year-old would badger you, wouldn't they? You're still doing the wife work, even though no longer married.

Shouldbedoing · 21/09/2019 08:36

I think you'll find its fairly typical to get the laundry sent home. Not right, but not usual.
My delightful ex told the kids 'I pay your mother to look after you.' (And they parroted back to.me "Dad pays you to look after us".)

Shouldbedoing · 21/09/2019 08:37

not unusual

Onceuponacheesecake · 21/09/2019 08:37

I would just send the bags back next week, clean and dirty. I wouldn't say a anything at all.

Notagainnow · 21/09/2019 08:37

All this talk of sending kids with dirty clothes etc... just make sure you don’t put them in the middle here. If their dad is a twat who would make them wear dirty clothes then be a bigger person and send them with clean.

Myriade · 21/09/2019 08:38

No extra clothes for me either. At most, I would send the minimum for the weekend. Aka an extra pair of pants and socks. The rest. He should be able to have at his house.

Myriade · 21/09/2019 08:39

It’s worth remembering, they aren’t going there on hols or like when they go to their grandparents. A place where they have to bring all the stuff they need etc...

They are going to stay at THEIR HOME with their father. As it is their home, they should be able to find all the things you have at home, incl clothes, toys etc...

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 08:39

Firstly I'd be sorting maintenance via the calculator, if he refuses then just go through CMS direct.

Clothes wise I would tell him, not ask, this is what they can keep at yours as a starter pack, once too small etc it's up to you to replace. He is a parent too FFS..... Why people pander to exs is beyond me, the children are joint responsibilities so he can wash dry their clothes in his time.

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