To not want all the DC washing back from exP

[Annaskies]

ExP only recently has a place DC can go and stay, ages 8 and 3. The first time they went I thought it would make sense to send them both with a bag of basic clothes, couple of pairs of pyjamas and underwear. I explained to ExP I'd done this and said keep those bits, wash them when worn then you've got plenty for the weekends they stay.

When they came back the bag came back with all the dirty clothes they'd worn, plus all the clean spares I'd sent which hadn't been worn.

So AIBU to expect him to be in charge or clothes and washing for them while they are at his, rather than me be his washer woman plus having to keep packing them a bag and unpacking each time?

Personally, I'd just make sure the kids were happy. A bit of laundry here or there doesn't count for anything in the grand scheme of their happiness.

@Idontwanttotalk

I agree- but short term I might be more prepared to do some of it....

Long term- no

Send nothing with them - he has plenty of room for linen baskets / washing/storage of clothes. And only send them in old clothes - if you send them in nice ones you may never see them again. I used to send mine in their school uniforms since he picked them up from school on Fridays, but soon found that he'd send them back with uniform pieces missing and then deny all knowledge of it. Expensive mistake ! I soon learned to pack some clothes for them to change into on a Friday afternoon , and put their uniforms in their bags which he never opened. You live and learn.

I would love to do some of these suggestions but can't face the fallout from it!

Then he is being abusive, isn't he? He is already training you to make life easy for him by threatening you with fallout.

You are still in the phase of imagining that being nice to him will make a nice amicable, reasonable, sensible settlement possible. That if you appease him he will behave like a normal adult. Truly, you know him - does that sound likely? Or is it your habit to do the easy thing of appeasing him talking?

I suspect it won't help. You will give and he will take. He will trample all over your boundaries because you will let him because you have a fantasy that being adult at him will make him behave as an adult..

If you cannot draw a line in the sand for fear of him then this will carry on for the rest of your life. Grasp the nettle now otherwise it will be impossible in a few months time.

Next time you send them send them with nothing but what they're wearing. He'll have to go out and buy pyjamas and clothes that day. You're being very kind to him and he's taking the mickey

Fucking help women! What are you all doing! Youre still doing your ex’s washing! Why?!?!

Id send her with no bag. He should be able to provide a toothbrush, and a change of clothes for god’s sake.

Why is maintenance not arranged? Is he self-employed?

Isn't it sad that we sit here making excuses for someone not being able to parent their child properly - ie wash their clothes and accpt that it is abttle where said person will still control our lives and abuse our goodwill because they know we will do it for the children.

How is it right that one parent even one the few days they have them is incapable/does not want to look after their DCS properly.

Has he bought his own stuff for them so is returning yours ?

Look, rather than it becoming a row and creating further tension (which the kids will probably be aware of) how about trying to be a bit generous in your thinking and handling of it.

So, most likely scenario - he was probably thoughtless and unaware not malicious. He's probably just not tuned into doing laundry on a tight timescale but that doesn't mean he can't get to grips with it.

You can be all snarky and cross with him about his selfishness and failures or worse still just return loads of dirty washing.....result =more tension and bad feeling and no real,progress on the washing.

Or you can mention in a light and easy way (in conversation or email if easier) that you need to work out a plan together about the washing. If the kids are there for more than a night, you can say you'd like him to do their washing whilst there. You need to make a plan about if they have clothes that live there or if they transport clothes to and fro and when washing happens. It just needs to be worked out.....but without a conversation it really isn't obvious because lots of possibilities exist.

Recognise that it isn't always easy to avoid all dirty washing if you are travelling between homes - what was worn the day before might not be possible to wash and dry before exiting the house next morning. Sometimes it will be sensible to travel with some dirty washing. Until you sort out if there are 2 sets of clothes or 1 and the practicalities of moving between places, there will be lots of issues.......acknowdgebthis and try to avoid your dislike of him making it into a bigger issue.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to do washing, to do homework, to do some of the tedious parenting tasks.....but you need to talk about it and make plans and not assume that by osmosis he knows what you want or that there is only 1 blindingly clear answer to the issues - there isn't. You will continue to have frustrations until you think through the oractical stuff and discuss it and plan rather than assume he will automatically know to do what is in your head.

Best of luck - lots of people on here will be able to give you tips about practical ways to make this stuff work and avoid the stresses. They ant be avoided altogether but definitely reduced, especially if you do t start from the point of view that everything he does is aresholeish and designed to annoy you.

What did he say when you offered him the clothes and when he handed them back?

By him doing this I would assume that he didn't need them and had his own set of clothes for them.

I did this with my ex for 4 years. The bag used to come home with dirty clothes mixed in with clean clothes and if DC had an accident (potty training) he'd also kindly put them in as well.
Just this year I told ex he needed to get his own clothes for when DC stays, I refuse to continue being a washer women for a grown man who is more than capable of putting the washing machine on.
I'd send the bag again and remind him that they are his to keep at his house for the children but you will not be washing the clothes.

If he’s only okay with you when you’re doing what he wants then you’re not friends and you need to get some healthy boundaries and stick to them.

The usual take the higher ground “just be nice” bollocks here is ridiculous. He’s their father, it’s his job to make sure they have everything they need when they’re with him. Clothes, shoes, pjs, toiletries, toys, books, bedding - you know, normal stuff a parent knows their children need.

My husband pays nearly £900 a month to his ex. We have every single thing they need here, it’s their second home. No amount of maintenance to support them in your home excuses him opting out of providing them with what they need in his home.

The people wailing “but won’t someone think of the children” should direct that attitude to their father. He’s not the babysitter, he’s their dad and of course he knows what they need and that he should be providing it. Stop doing the wife work. How he manages his life in his home is up to him and you have to leave him to sort it out. If he’s too cheap or useless to provide tooth brushes and clothes which are clean and suitable I’d be questioning leaving them with him!

Assume he doesn't want clothes and just send them in the clothes they are in.

You also need to establish what happens with the clothes from your house they arrive wearing.

Do they take them off and swap into his clothes, then swap back to come hone
Or
Do they leave your clothes at his to wash and come home in his?

The usual take the higher ground “just be nice” bollocks here is ridiculous.

^^ this

‘I will try again this weekend, bag of clothes, tell him again they are to stay at his and be washed etc. If he comes back tomorrow evening with the bag I will hand it straight back’

^ why are you even doing this?
He should be providing clothes for them tko

I have the issue of getting nice clothes back. If my LO comes back in clothes that exp bought I will wash and send back next time or next time I've done a load and may have a small pile (Only an outfit not a bag full). I get nothing back or the crap clothes which are clearly getting too small. And it's always the nice bits that I don't get back. I've asked, I've said he doesn't need to wash them but again, nothing, it's really frustrating and I need to keep buying more. People say to use the maintenance but it's not like you get tons and exp should be responsible to buy clothes either. Whether it's once a week or 5 times a week, whether he has room or not, it is his responsibility. I hate that people think it's okay not to make the other home, the kids home too. LO has two houses and should feel like that. Not feel like a visitor in her own dad's house. I would send them in what they're wearing and mention in a polite way that they may need some clothes whole at his, if he doesn't want to take the bag (or does take the bag) as a starter.
It's a pain in the arse' and I always feel unreasonable asking for them back but I shouldn't have to keep replacing them either.

@Shouldbedoing

My delightful ex told the kids 'I pay your mother to look after you.' (And they parroted back to.me "Dad pays you to look after us".)

Evil. I'd have been tempted to reply "Oh maybe I'll pay him to look after you instead, then?". I get tired of the mother always being the one who has to be sure not to make the children feel insecure. Sometimes children need reality explained to them, or they grow up believing that their mother really is the skivvy their father thinks she is.

Bloody hell, when I read some of these threads I think I must have been the bolshiest ex-wife ever 😂 His 'condescending asshole to the little woman' persona evaporated when faced with the reality of viciously-policed boundaries.

I would just send the bags back next week, clean and dirty. I wouldn't say a anything at all.

I would do this, too.

@shouldbedoing. at that! I'd not be impressed with that!

Thank you for all the replies. Just reading through them now.

I've sent them with a bag and made it clear those clothes are to stay and be washed by him and if and when more is needed at his he can buy what they need for there.

I've sent tooth brushes and toothpaste again but presume he should be getting them those basics for while they are at his?

He'll probably think that the toothbrushes and paste are to stay at his if you've told him that applies to the clothes OP. I'd be getting new ones ready for when they get home if I were you.Gawd!

I did explain that Dad pays his share of their upkeep and I pay mine. This was very generous of me as £350 pcm whilst very necessary and welcome is not half the cost of raising 2 children but they will see him for who he is soon enough - and are already beginning to.

Yes to the posters saying not to put the kids in the middle, I'm conscious of not making them feel their stuck in a battle. It is them that would suffer if I go too extreme and don't send anything.

Yes I agree about it being their home too and so he should be setting that up for them long term.

@haffiana you've completely got it with your comments. I feel very much still stuck in the relationship and trying not to set him off.

To answer some of the questions. Maintenance isn't arranged because last month he moved and said he couldn't pay any. This month he is saying the government calculator is wrong and if he has to pay what it says he may as well give up work and go on benefits and neither of us are going to have any life.

He hasn't bought anything for them yet he was just returning what I'd sent.
He's agreed to keep the items I sent this time though.

I get what some people are saying about choosing my battles, and trust me there are many at the moment. But I don't want to still be responsible for every little thing.