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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want all the DC washing back from exP

73 replies

Annaskies · 21/09/2019 07:57

ExP only recently has a place DC can go and stay, ages 8 and 3. The first time they went I thought it would make sense to send them both with a bag of basic clothes, couple of pairs of pyjamas and underwear. I explained to ExP I'd done this and said keep those bits, wash them when worn then you've got plenty for the weekends they stay.

When they came back the bag came back with all the dirty clothes they'd worn, plus all the clean spares I'd sent which hadn't been worn.

So AIBU to expect him to be in charge or clothes and washing for them while they are at his, rather than me be his washer woman plus having to keep packing them a bag and unpacking each time?

OP posts:

Original poster

Annaskies · 21/09/2019 10:44

@wombatchocolate I'm not asking him to get all the clothes washed and returned. I'm saying keep the clothes there and they can be their clothes for while they are there.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 21/09/2019 10:46

He isnt going to pay maintenance. He has already used two excuses. Soon he wont bother. You need to really go through cms.

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 10:48

@Annaskies the calculator isn't wrong it's the legal minimum requirement!!! Maybe it's a shock to the system how much kids cost!! Tough shit!! And I would not have sent toothbrushes and toothpaste.....

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 10:50

And just call CMS today to start it, he's not going to pay otherwise or he will try and negotiate a pathetic amount!

Juells · 21/09/2019 10:51

You sound like a really nice person, Annaskies and it sounds hopeful that he's agreed to keeping the items at his. The maintenance argument sounds shit, though. I don't believe he'll really go on benefits to spite you, but realistically if he isn't paying you anyway it will make no difference to you, so it isn't a threat he can hold over your head, he's the only one who'll suffer. If/when he discovers what life is like on benefits he'll change his mind.

Shouldbedoing
I did explain that Dad pays his share of their upkeep and I pay mine.

Good way of explaining it. But horrible that he put you in the position where you had to. Children don't need to know anything about maintenance arrangements and squabbles.

youarenotkiddingme · 21/09/2019 10:51

Send the kids with nothing. Let him buy his own. He certainly won't want to send them to you to wash in case they don't come back and he has to buy more!

I'd warn him first though so he can't use it against you.

Eg email

I have noticed you don't wish for me to provide the children with clothes and return them. I'm glad you wish to purchase your own. The children's sizes are xxxxx in case you wish to order online rather than take them out yourself when they visit x date to x date.

Basically you aren't asking you are playing him at his own game - and are the reasonable 1!

Muddlingalongalone · 21/09/2019 10:58

Depends how frequently they go.
Mine only go to their dad's house half-term & school holidays so it would be nuts for them to have 2 sets of clothes.
Otoh he washes most of them before returning them and has toothbrushes/hairbrushes/flannel etc for them & I even sent a bag of dirty stuff when washing machine was broken.
I did object to the children telling me I had to pack knickers here & socks here because daddy said so.
Agree with pick your battles & play the ling game but that doesn't mean give in to everything if you are at the beginning of the overnights and need to set ground rules because changing things later on will be even more difficult than establishing reasonableness now.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 21/09/2019 11:01

We have the same/opposite problem with DSC’s Mummy. She drops them off in dirty clothes with nothing to go home in and we either wash them to send them home in clean clothes or send them in our clothes which never get returned. So we choose to wash them for the children, not for their Mummy! X

GinNotGym19 · 21/09/2019 11:05

My ex does this it’s so annoying! He also has been known to send back clothes he has bought for them dirty for me to wash and return too. Another thing is not returning clothes, claiming he hasn’t got them and the kids never see or wear them again even at his. I just send old clothes now I don’t mind not coming back or stuff they won’t need washed immediately.
I think try and make it clear they are to keep at his or suggest he buys them stuff so you don’t have to keep sending stuff over. I just don’t comment at all on it now because we have lots of bigger issues I try to pick my battles

Juells · 21/09/2019 11:06

Good idea, youarenotkiddingme but the wording is a bit confusing - I read the opening sentence several times before I got a sense of what it meant...
I have noticed you don't wish for me to provide the children with clothes and return them. I'm glad you wish to purchase your own. The children's sizes are xxxxx in case you wish to order online rather than take them out yourself when they visit x date to x date.

Toastymash · 21/09/2019 11:33

For God's sake. These threads make me angry. How many useless fuckers are there who have procreated?!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. You remind me of my mum - she went through this with my dad. She continued to do all of the shit shoveling even when we went to stay with him, because she was worried about us and wanted to play nice in order to get him to pay maintenance. It never happened. Eventually she got sick of the messing around and got the CSA involved. He moved to another country so they couldn't force him to pay. He didn't bother keeping in touch.

I'm not saying that your ex will do exactly this, but I would be very surprised if he ends up paying any maintenance. Stop shit shoveling for him. He's your ex, you don't need to do that anymore.

Missingstreetlife · 21/09/2019 11:35

You think they live there part time and are thinking ahead, he thinks they are visiting and just thinking about each weekend. They should have toothbrush, pjs and a change of clothes, possibly old trainers or wellies in case they get wet or muddy, some spare underwear and a jacket at his. He can replace when grown out of, but what will happen is that you get the tatty stuff back and he keeps the good. Get them to wear what they went in to come home. If they are staying more than a couple of days send enough clothes and expect them to come back dirty. You may need mediation to decide if you are doing shared care or he's just a weekend dad. Either is ok, but you must be on the same page. Don't sweat the small stuff.

SunshineAngel · 21/09/2019 11:48

They should not be bringing clothes home, or taking clothes with them. He should wash whatever gets put in the wash at his house (i.e. what they've worn while there) and you wash whatever is in the wash at yours.

If he is sending washing home with them, he is not sharing the childcare properly, and it would REALLY annoy me.

Original poster

Annaskies · 21/09/2019 12:10

@combatbarbie I've tried explaining to him that it's the legal minimum but he's saying it doesn't take into account expenses he's truly not grasping that expenses are irrelevant as its based on your salary and you need to sort your lifestyle out around providing for your children. This is something he has never got to grips with as he'd spend what he liked with no regard to birthdays coming up etc or the fact that I've managed only 2 haircuts in the past 18months while he's kept his regular and priority.

I really didn't want to have to go the cms route as I don't want things to get hostile but I think he knows I want to keep the peace and is playing on that.

Thanks for all the comments, I feel like a complete doormat at the moment and it's helpful getting some unbiased perspective from you all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annaskies · 21/09/2019 12:15

And sorry I hadn't answered when they go, it's only started two weeks ago for the weekend but will be EOW one or two nights, and one night midweek for the youngest. So not loads but enough that it makes sense to have a little selection there for when they stay.

OP posts:

BenjiB · 21/09/2019 12:15

My SD is now 28 but when she used to spend weekends with us her mum packed a bag. Same as when we visited my dad at weekends when I was a child. I would have been fine with her leaving clothes at our house but her mum sent one anyway. I thought that was the norm.

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 12:18

@Annaskies you will do yourself no favours trying to keep the peace! Just give him the option, friendly recommended calculator or via CMS, as they go direct to HMRC now so could end up paying more.

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 12:20

Start as you mean to go on because he will use your good nature against you....

heeebeee · 22/09/2019 00:27

Jesus Christ I must be a soft touch!

I get no maintenance, I pack a bag every other weekend and wash it when it comes home.

Urghh

combatbarbie · 23/09/2019 12:38

Did washing come back OP?

melj1213 · 23/09/2019 13:48

Tbh as a short term thing I would rather send a bag every weekend and do a bit extra washing (and a couple of outfits is barely anything when I'd be doing a wash anyway) than DC having no clothes. In the long term I would expect their DF to start buying the essentials like toothbrush/toothpaste, at the very least, and for you to just be sending them with maybe one spare outfit that would rotate with things already at their DFs house.

My ex and I share custody 50/50 so she spends a week with him and a week with me. She has two sets of everything - stuff at her dads stays at her dads and stuff at mine stays at mine. The only things that rotate through both houses are her school bag and one set of uniform as she leaves for school from one house Monday morning and returns to the other house Monday evening. Since DD has uniform at both houses it doesnt matter that the specific shirt her dad bought her is at my house or the skirt I bought her is at her dads as the rotation means we both maintain the same level of uniform.

At the beginning we used to live in Spain and when we split and ex came back to England I had primary custody and DD would only stay during the holidays for extended visits (when he came to see her for a weekend he would only have her during the day due to logistics). I didn't mind washing coming back as I would rather have had all her clothes back dirty than not get things back since, by the time of her next visit, those clothes may no longer have fit her. When we moved back and more regular contact started I didn't mind sending an overnight bag to begin with as it settled DD to have her familiar pjs/blanket etc even at her dad's house but both Ex and I knew it was a short term arrangement until he got settled and bought his own stuff. This gave him time to build up a bank of stuff for future stays but she still had a couple of basics at her dads and I knew that she had enough clean clothes for the visit length.

Original poster

Annaskies · 27/09/2019 22:37

Sorry @combatbarbie I've just seen your response!
I checked the bag when he brought them back to make sure it was only toothbrushes and shoes and it was! He got the message.
Now to get him to buy toothbrushes etc for them there so they don't need to be packed every time.
I will definitely take everyone's advice and send in the same clothes or basic clothes as he will have to get other bits for when they need them there

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 28/09/2019 09:16

Good, next time don't put teeth stuff in and just remind him he needs to buy them xx

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