Is this conversation with school mum weird?

[Mam654]

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this. I've just had a conversation with a mum whose son is very good friends with my son - they go to pre-school together. We are also very good friends.

Our sons are very close and always choose to play with each other. The mum also looks after my son when I take our daughters to a club once a week.

At the pre-school today, she pulled her son away from mine to play with another child, leaving my son on his own. Outside, she just told me that she is moving her son to another pre-school day (so they spend two days together but not the third), because she is concerned they are spending too much time together and that her son is getting too dependent on my son.

I kind of get that. But the pre-school have told us that there isn't a 'leader' and they have a good, equal friendship. But she then said she's going to organise play dates with other children, so he has other friends. I replied that I hope they will all be friends together in a group.

The reason I'm nervous is because a similar situation happened with our daughters - they were very good friends, but the mum became quite anxious about making other friendships for her DH (and leaving my DH out), often keeping me in the dark, so that when they got to school my DH found her best friend already had another group of friends that she did not know about, and she was basically left out of that group. It was very upsetting for her.

I can feel this happening again - I'm assuming I won't be invited to these other friendship playdates. I feel as if she is a bit over-anxious about friendships and engineers situations. The conversation has left me feeling a bit euch. Surely the boys will just work it our for themselves without any meddling?

Is this all about social one upmanship with her trying to ensure that her DCs have as wide a social circle as possible and become the popular kids at school. I have experienced something similar with competitive play dates. It just went around in circles and was very draining.

My advice is back away.

I don’t mean this as harshly as it sounds, but I think the issue is you and your children. They’ve both developed friendships so intense that two parents have actively had to break their children away from them, and your children are devastated. Don’t they have any other friends? And upon being told that own mum is setting up a few play dates to increase their child’s social circles away from yours (which you say you understand), you’ve replied that you hope your child is being included. Of course they’re not. More opportunities for your children to try and cling onto theirs is the opposite of what she’s trying to achieve. You seem to have a bit of a problem which you’re projecting into your children. Why can’t you do what these other parents have done and arrange other play dates for your children yourself?

She is a dick . I get so annoyed by parents that project their insecurities into their kids and do this shit

Just reduce time and energy on her and don’t worry about your son

But don’t give her airtime

It's very weird for a mother to try and stop her child forming close friendships - unless they believe the other child is a bad influence in some way.

Hmm.. I did this with one of DD’s friends because she was kind of a bully.

I didn’t tell the other mother though (I’m a wimp). I requested they got separated at school and I started finding DD other friend opportunities.

The other girl and her mum were upset when they got split at school. And I was still too wimpy to admit that the other girl was a bully! Perhaps I should have. But I played innocent and said it was the school’s decision. (The school were useless - they also said the friendship was equal. It really wasn’t.)

Anyway, now they don’t play together. I like the other mother a lot, and see her from time-to-time. I hated to intervene. But whenever this girl would come round, I would see first-hand the things my DD would tell me (teasing, dominating, bossing). At the time, DD would cry about this girl a lot at home in private. It was a very upsetting time. The other mother and other girl were also upset. It was so awkward. (To be honest, even if I had told her, the other mother would never have believed it of her daughter, anyway. Someone else did tell her that her DD was unkind and she totally poopooed It.)

Perhaps your DS is too dominant, despite what pre-school says? Have you observed anything like that? Sounds like this mum wouldn’t be too wimpish (like me!) to say if she thought your DS wasn’t a good friend, though...

My daughter was like this. Had one "friend" at preschool that she followed round the entire time. If that friend wasn't there, then she was lost and wouldn't join in at all

My DD was the other girl in this scenario. This girl monopolised her all the time and stopped her being friends with anyone else. It was a real struggle for us as DD hadn’t been great socially. When they got to primary school she dropped her like a stone. She was quite upset about it. We were glad as the girl wasn’t the nicest and it taught her a good lesson to make sure her friend circle was wide.

Definitely help your children cast a widea circle. For some friendships are encouraged in quantity not quality, you also get the ones who think no one is good enough for their precious child, generally a wide group is good. But at preschool age developing a friendship is a good step as not all children that age will go beyond alongside play anyway.

It could also be that whilst the school describe the friendship as balanced the parents hope their child will develop a more leader or more passive role in friendships

If we're talking pre-school to school that's ridiculous. Neither of mine went to the school pre-school and within a week of starting primary school (alongside the groups who did come up from the pre-school) had integrated themselves perfectly well into the class. They'll be 4 years old, kids really don't think like that!

I think the other mum is doing the right thing by her children, by encouraging lots of friendships. It's never a good idea to hitch your wagon to one lone star.

I grew up in a messy house with an alcoholic father although it wouldn't have been obvious outside the home. My mum NEVER allowed me to invite friends round as she was terribly embarrassed about the state of the house and as a result, I was left out of friendship groups as a child and a teen. I left school at 15 as I was desperately lonely at school.

I've made every effort to invite children round for play dates since DS was young and he's 10 now and I'm still the parent that hosts the most play dates. DS isn't sporty so doesn't attend any after school clubs so outside of his small village primary, he wouldn't really meet other children.

You don't have to go OTT with play dates but I do think you need to encourage your DS to make other friendships and if that involves hosting play dates, maybe just suck up your embarrassment for his sake?

She sounds like a social butterfly. I bet it is all to do with her wanting to have as much access to other parents who she perceives as popular! It is really strange but I have met other mums who literally spend their whole time social engineering! If your kids get on fine but don't let her/ her children be your or your children's only friend.

Of note,she feels it’s a repeating pattern in the friendship,she clearly is uncomfortable in how the relationship is. From her POV she’s been here before,negotiating a fraught friendship. So this time she’s taking definitive action to separate the kids

I don't really get this 'encourage them to form a wide circle' thing - which element of child development supports this in 3 yr olds?

The way I see it, we know young kids are hard wired to form strong bonds with one or two key adults, why would it be any different with other children? Why are parents fighting their children's natural hard-wiring rather than supporting it? I think what pps have said about projection is true - these parents want little johnny to be seen to be really 'popular' but they don't care so much about his actual feelings of friendship with someone he actually feels close to. It's all about image.

She sounds bonkers. If she's already done it before I'd be the one making sure my child had other friends. There truly are bonkers parents out there.

She sounds normal to me. She wants her children to have a range of friends so that when they start school they already know people and have practice interacting with a range of people. Sounds like a good dia to me. You think you should do the same for your kids so that they also have a group of different friends.

Interesting; the amount of posters calling this woman bonkers for being uneasy at the sheer intensity of op and her children.

Mmmm, seems like opinion is divided here. I'm confident that we are not intense! My DS just likes her DS, and my DS is a lovely sweet boy. If anything her children are more domineering. I think both boys need to expand their social circle, but I think it's weird to announce to a parent that you are going to back away from them and have play dates with other children, when they are good friends. Why even say it?

What I haven't mentioned here, because it's a long story, is that this Mum does not want my kids to have other friends. If she finds out that we know someone she doesn't, then she goes out of her way to make friends with that person and tries to compete with me - making suggestions they are more friendly with her. So I'm pretty confident that there is an issue going on here with her.

Well, you’ve mentioned it now and it wasn’t a long story at all, was it? . It would have been pretty relevant as well 🤔

I think it's weird to announce to a parent that you are going to back away from them and have play dates with other children, when they are good friends. Why even say it?

Because when she didn't, you described it as:

the mum became quite anxious about making other friendships for her DH (and leaving my DH out), often keeping me in the dark.

When she didn't say anything to you, you took it as a deliberate attempt to keep you in the dark, when she did, she's weird. You do come across as being a bit over- invested in what she does and her motivation - she probably just didn't want your son to be as surprised as your daughter was to learn about his friend's other pals since that was so hard for her.

The other mum sounds quite unpleasant to me. I’d make a mental note, distance myself and encourage my DCs to find other friends.

She's done you a MASSIVE favour. Run in the opposite direction, she seems mean, competitive and one of those desperate to be the 'queen bee' by having loads of contacts. Her relationships aren't about care, kindness and having fun together, they are about what she can get out of people and how that changes her social standing.

My son's nursery friend is still his best friend and they're in their early twenties now but still meet at least once a week.Thankfully no-one ever thought they spent too much time together.
She's possibly being over anxious but has his best interests at heart.I can't get imagine how you explain that to a child, it's very sad.

After reading your update, OP, agree that she’s done you a favour. Run! Run from the jealous, competitive mum!

Set up some play dates with little boys who also seem lovely. It’ll work out (my DD now has a new best friend. It’s another fairly exclusive female friendship, but one that is very positive. DD is just the “one or two friends” type, but she’s found her perfect friend for now. Your DS will too ).

I think she's a user, she has you running around after her daughter despite her previous actions. She's probably only friends with you as she sees you have kids same age as hers, and sees free child care, however she's thinking about the kids moving up to school and knows you won't manage 4 kids (hers and yours) so she wants some new mum friends she can abuse and get to run around after her son when he has clubs to go to, whole you take her daughter.
Unless both of your children are very clingy and only have her children as a friend and vise versa, then I think she must have an ulterior motive. I get she wants her children to have more than one friend and not just one best friend, but they are so young, it's a bit extreme, and why they can't widen their circle of friends together I don't know, excluding a child on purpose and making them feel left out is cruel. Chances are they won't be in the same class at school anyway and will make new friends then if they haven't already

How messed up and interfering. What right do mums have in stopping close friendships? It sounds like this woman has her own hang ups about closeness in general and is now passing it on to her son. Is there’s a way of keeping the kids friends without seeing too much of this woman?