Is this conversation with school mum weird?

[Mam654]

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this. I've just had a conversation with a mum whose son is very good friends with my son - they go to pre-school together. We are also very good friends.

Our sons are very close and always choose to play with each other. The mum also looks after my son when I take our daughters to a club once a week.

At the pre-school today, she pulled her son away from mine to play with another child, leaving my son on his own. Outside, she just told me that she is moving her son to another pre-school day (so they spend two days together but not the third), because she is concerned they are spending too much time together and that her son is getting too dependent on my son.

I kind of get that. But the pre-school have told us that there isn't a 'leader' and they have a good, equal friendship. But she then said she's going to organise play dates with other children, so he has other friends. I replied that I hope they will all be friends together in a group.

The reason I'm nervous is because a similar situation happened with our daughters - they were very good friends, but the mum became quite anxious about making other friendships for her DH (and leaving my DH out), often keeping me in the dark, so that when they got to school my DH found her best friend already had another group of friends that she did not know about, and she was basically left out of that group. It was very upsetting for her.

I can feel this happening again - I'm assuming I won't be invited to these other friendship playdates. I feel as if she is a bit over-anxious about friendships and engineers situations. The conversation has left me feeling a bit euch. Surely the boys will just work it our for themselves without any meddling?

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

The whole afterschool playdate thing can become very stressful and I think @Mummyoflittledragon is right - afterschool clubs and activities are the way to go.. they still get to meet other children but there is a lot less pressure on all of you.
Also, they are still quite young and sometimes its nice to just chill after school, so I would both widen your circle and cut down on the organised playdates. Consider finding things that you could "host" that don't involve being at your house if you have the builders in - its a great time to pick up conkers in the park with an afternoon snack.
This other parent is already giving you bad vibes and I'd take a bit step back and try to encourage a broader range of friendships. You say that she homes in on any other friendships you try to form... dont tell her! It sounds like the meetings you do have are when she finds out what you are up to and makes judgements about the children's friendships. This has already made you feel uneasy, so listen to your instincts, keep busy and make better friends

[Maz54]

Good heavens I'm glad I haven't got a child of school age any more. What a strange person this is, I think you need to move away from this friendship, she is clearly paranoid and you don't need this worry. I feel sorry for your son but children do make new friends and get over these things and I don't envy you having to explain this to him after all us adults are finding it difficult to understand.

[imnotinthemood]

Do people really overthink things like this ?
When I was a child and the same for my dc would let them make own friends and certainly not worry if spent time with one child . Very odd

[Bugbabe1970]

Run...She’s a nutter!

[SudowoodoVoodoo]

My experience of pre-school friendships is that children who like to play in similar ways play together and are therefore "friends". There often isn't a huge amount more depth to it than that and friendship groups tend to shuffle fairly easily in the face of transitions such as going to school.

Socially engineering young children's friendship groups sounds like a lot of bother (unless there are particular difficulties, but that's more the relm of junior school and beyond than the nursery years).

I think it sounds more like her than OP. I certainly couldn't be bothered with friendship/ popularity/ power games, it's bad enough when 10 year olds are at it, let alone grown women projecting it through children. OP is not the only common denominator here.

[youarenotkiddingme]

She's a typical alpha mum!

The one who wants to be in control and 'head of the table' so to speak.

She wants to be the one everyone else relies on to arrange play dates and congratulate herself that those who aren't there are say at home wishing they were.

Break free!

Start with congratulating her on her idea of putting some distance between the boys and saying from now on you will be taking ds with you to club (and she can take her own dd!). Then find another parent with a child his age who dies the club run and suggest you do something with younger ones whilst they're there.
If she says that's not what she meant - just say well she doesn't get to chose when she separates them and when they are together. So as his parent you've made decisions for your son.

The closest 'friends' I have are those who've I've met through ds swim club. Now they are older we often go to pub/costa over the road when they train.

Thing with school friends is they move classes, change schools or go to different secondaries. Club friends are often more long term.

[Lovetoread84]

Firstly, you need to do the same with your son. Try to broaden his friendships. You've seen this happen with your daughter and you don't want a repeat.
I had similar when my kids were young. My son would always focus obsessively on one child. Even if the child didn't really like him! It took many years to understand how friendships work.
My daughter is similar in that she has a best friend, but she's not as ott with it and I know she plays with other kids too so it doesn't bother me as much

[LloydBraun]

I can’t believe the number of posters making out this is the OPs fault. This site has attracted some very odd people recently. Odd, and not very nice.
Op she sounds like one of these people who is using her children to build her own social circle. These people are tiresome and unpleasant and also a bit mad. Avoid is my advice.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Until your update, I was beginning to wonder if this woman was trying to widen her children’s friendship circle because she recognises they’re quite domineering. My thinking was this could be an attempt to see if they will be less so if they are in a larger group.

From your last update, however, it does sound as if she’s a social butterfly and trying to ensure she retains a popular, perhaps queen bee status and engineering her children to be popular.

I think I said the same thing way back. But to reiterate, get your kids doing clubs and activities away from school so they can befriend other children. The more practice at making friends your children get, the better they will be if they are dropped or ostracised as your dd was at the start of school.

If the girl gets too intense at any stage, your dd can perhaps take a break from her activity. However, I’d think carefully before doing this as the mum may say something to her dd about this to cause your dd to be alienated from the friendship group.

[Monty27]

It's almost unbelievable a parent would go to such an extreme to separate the DC's relationship.
Has your dc socialised with others in the class?
And possibly the DM doesn't approve of their friendship. For reasons only known to her.
I'd keep them well away and carry on with other friendships.

[urkidding]

If your house is not suitable to invite other children, does it mean that you do not return playdates? So basically your children are invited over because she had a nice big house and you do not return them as your house is not / cannot be bothered to be made suitable for other children to be invited. That's the crux of the matter. I was the one with the nice big house, and it was amazing how people assume you have nothing better to do other than entertain their little darlings and feed them while they do nothing.

[Derbee]

I think you both sound a bit dysfunctional to be honest.

You’re a bit intense, and you’re over involved in what the mother is doing to expand her sons social circle. You are making her judgments as a parent all about you and your DS which is overstepping.

She sounds like she’s desperate for her DCs to be friends with everyone (which is fine) but is getting competitive with you when she hears of your DCs making friends.

You both need to help your DCs make decent friendships, and stop being weird with each other. Do not allow your son to end up in the same position as your daughter did. Be proactive about expanding his social circle, and stop being over invested in what this other mother is choosing to do.

[finn1020]

OP it sounds like you are pretty intense and maybe that’s coming out in your kids friendships too. You describe two preschool kids as “good friends” when they’re more likely to be playing together at that age through familiarity and circumstance. You emphasise that the two of you are “good friends” when she really might think of you as a mum friend. You complain that when her daughter made other friends that you were “kept in the dark” about these friendships, like you don’t think she should have a separate life to you and your kids.

There’s a strong sense of entitlement from you that you and your kids should automatically be part of everything her and her kids do, that you “assume you won’t be invited to these play dates” she arranges with other kids. Why should you be invited, is she not permitted to do anything without you, her close friend?

While I’d appreciate the friendship you all have, I’d find someone like you suffocating at times. You describe her as anxious about her kids friendships but the way you are describing everything it sounds like you are very anxious about your kids not being number one in her kids lives. I’m sure the boys could work it out between them but you surely can’t expect it to be on your terms where her kids are not allowed to make any friends without involving your kids all the time? I’d try and be a little more relaxed about the friendship thing. Kids will have different friendships as they are growing up, they will change over time. They don’t have to make a special friend early in life that they cling to forever to be secure at school, they need to learn their happiness and self-worth comes from within.

[Sashkin]

Is it the same mum both times? If it is, she sounds like a nut (and what possessed you to let your son become besties with hers after the situation with your daughter?).

If it's two different mums, that does sound like either you or your children are a bit intense, sorry.

Either way, the solution is more friends.

[MarvellousMayhem]

I agree with @DuckbilledSplatterPuff
Especially after your update that she’s doesn’t like your kids having other friends, very confusing. Weird that you have been getting on well and it feels like she just drops your child and you almost. Difficult that you’re in a small school. Hope you can distance yourself as much as possible and your kids make new friends.

[glennamy]

You come across as very clingy, let the children find friends, we all did it. If you are not careful you could pass on your behaviour/worries to your children!

[FelicisNox]

On the surface it is strange and I would recommend your DS also fosters other friendships if he doesn't already.

The fact this has happened twice to be rather concerning. You may want to examine that.

[ToftyAC]

She sounds a bit nutty to me tbh.

[Rabblemum]

How messed up and interfering. What right do mums have in stopping close friendships? It sounds like this woman has her own hang ups about closeness in general and is now passing it on to her son. Is there’s a way of keeping the kids friends without seeing too much of this woman?

[SAA1519]

I think she's a user, she has you running around after her daughter despite her previous actions. She's probably only friends with you as she sees you have kids same age as hers, and sees free child care, however she's thinking about the kids moving up to school and knows you won't manage 4 kids (hers and yours) so she wants some new mum friends she can abuse and get to run around after her son when he has clubs to go to, whole you take her daughter.
Unless both of your children are very clingy and only have her children as a friend and vise versa, then I think she must have an ulterior motive. I get she wants her children to have more than one friend and not just one best friend, but they are so young, it's a bit extreme, and why they can't widen their circle of friends together I don't know, excluding a child on purpose and making them feel left out is cruel. Chances are they won't be in the same class at school anyway and will make new friends then if they haven't already

[Clocktimer]

After reading your update, OP, agree that she’s done you a favour. Run! Run from the jealous, competitive mum!

Set up some play dates with little boys who also seem lovely. It’ll work out (my DD now has a new best friend. It’s another fairly exclusive female friendship, but one that is very positive. DD is just the “one or two friends” type, but she’s found her perfect friend for now. Your DS will too ).

[Streamside]

My son's nursery friend is still his best friend and they're in their early twenties now but still meet at least once a week.Thankfully no-one ever thought they spent too much time together.
She's possibly being over anxious but has his best interests at heart.I can't get imagine how you explain that to a child, it's very sad.

[Spotsandstars]

She's done you a MASSIVE favour. Run in the opposite direction, she seems mean, competitive and one of those desperate to be the 'queen bee' by having loads of contacts. Her relationships aren't about care, kindness and having fun together, they are about what she can get out of people and how that changes her social standing.

[makingmammaries]

The other mum sounds quite unpleasant to me. I’d make a mental note, distance myself and encourage my DCs to find other friends.

[CharityConundrum]

I think it's weird to announce to a parent that you are going to back away from them and have play dates with other children, when they are good friends. Why even say it?

Because when she didn't, you described it as:

the mum became quite anxious about making other friendships for her DH (and leaving my DH out), often keeping me in the dark.

When she didn't say anything to you, you took it as a deliberate attempt to keep you in the dark, when she did, she's weird. You do come across as being a bit over- invested in what she does and her motivation - she probably just didn't want your son to be as surprised as your daughter was to learn about his friend's other pals since that was so hard for her.