Is this conversation with school mum weird?

[Mam654]

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this. I've just had a conversation with a mum whose son is very good friends with my son - they go to pre-school together. We are also very good friends.

Our sons are very close and always choose to play with each other. The mum also looks after my son when I take our daughters to a club once a week.

At the pre-school today, she pulled her son away from mine to play with another child, leaving my son on his own. Outside, she just told me that she is moving her son to another pre-school day (so they spend two days together but not the third), because she is concerned they are spending too much time together and that her son is getting too dependent on my son.

I kind of get that. But the pre-school have told us that there isn't a 'leader' and they have a good, equal friendship. But she then said she's going to organise play dates with other children, so he has other friends. I replied that I hope they will all be friends together in a group.

The reason I'm nervous is because a similar situation happened with our daughters - they were very good friends, but the mum became quite anxious about making other friendships for her DH (and leaving my DH out), often keeping me in the dark, so that when they got to school my DH found her best friend already had another group of friends that she did not know about, and she was basically left out of that group. It was very upsetting for her.

I can feel this happening again - I'm assuming I won't be invited to these other friendship playdates. I feel as if she is a bit over-anxious about friendships and engineers situations. The conversation has left me feeling a bit euch. Surely the boys will just work it our for themselves without any meddling?

[Juells]

I'm afraid I agree with other posters. Once could be just happenstance, but since it's happened twice I'd suspect there was something else going on. They might feel your children are spoiled, or the friendships are too intense, could be anything.

I felt a bit backed into a corner when my eldest was little, as a neighbour had a very shy child and insisted mine was her best friend, wanted her to play all the time. She tried to persuade me to hold my daughter back a year so the 'lovely little friends' could start school together, that kind of ridiculous stuff. It was all about the fact that my daughter was gentle and quiet and not scary for her little girl. Could there be something similar going on? Are your children shy, and diffident when it comes to making friends.

[gazingahead]

She sounds like she has issues. My son had a very close friend at nursery, they were joined at the hip, referred to as a combination of the two names. Years later they both have other groups of friends and aren't at the same school any more but they are still really good friends and have a level of trust in each other (or their chothers as my son says ) that is truly lovely. Your friend is being really silly.

[HeadintheiClouds]

You need to expand your kid’s social circle as well. Your dd arriving at school to find the other girl had a whole group of friends that she didn’t is very odd. They’re all in the same class...
Do you have very intense exclusive friendships yourself, and encourage your children to do likewise? It’s not at all healthy, and I think the other Mum is quite right to try to dilute things a bit.
You should too.

[wobytide]

parents who feel the need to engineer their child's social circles are normally making up for something missing in their lives. Distance yourself and live your life how you and your children want it

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It is better for your children to have a wider set of friends especially when faced with of a child, who has an anxious mother. Dd found this out through bitter experience. Something insignificant happened with her absolute bestie and the mother twisted the story and acted as though my 5 yo dd had abused her 6 yo dd. The child and dd are no longer friends because of it. I am absolutely relieved tbh. Take this as an opportunity for your ds to find other friends and ensure you create lots of opportunities of clubs and play dates with children other than hers.

[thecatinthetwat]

She obviously isn’t as happy about the friendship as you are. Maybe her son comes off worse?

[GruciusMalfoy]

I have had to tell my DD that it was good to try and make different friends. This was because her best friend was making it clear that she didn't want my DD to have any other friends, and my DD was left feeling bad for wanting to play with different kids as well as her friend.

I don't think its healthy for children to be reliant on one child. My DD was very shy a few years ago, and it took a lot for her to begin to make friends, I wouldn't allow her to be held back to save another child's feelings.

[Mam654]

Hi, Just to answer a few queries - Both of my children are nice and kind generally so no specific issues. However, this Mum's DD was very bossy and a bit mean to my DD when they got to school. Unbeknown to me, the preschool had had issues with her being mean to other children. It was not nice for my DD - not only did she realise that her best friend had other 'best' friends, but they then turned on her.

So I advised my DD to widen her friendship group. She now does have other friends. But this girl is very confident and popular - they are in the same friendship group and now get on with each other. Also, the Mum is friends with all of my other friends (it's a small school). She's the type that networks a lot and does favours for people a lot, so we decided to share the school club run on a Wednesday, as both our DDs attend.

It's a small school and my DS took a liking to her son as he sees him on the school run every day, and every day he goes to pre-school. To be honest, after what happened with my DD, I had some reservations and did not encourage it, but they became good friends all the same

Sometimes I feel like the Mum perhaps does not like me, but she treats me like a close friend - always offering favours and chatting, inviting us round, etc. So I don't think it's that.

[Mam654]

Grucius - I agree that children need to have lots of friends and I always tell my children that. This Mum has a beautiful big house and has lots of playdates, but we are not in the same situation. My house is small and a DIY project and I find playdates stressful. I agree I need to find other friends for my son. Maybe Softplay dates!

[Beerincomechampagnetastes]

From your update op , I would suggest that your friend wants to widen her dds circle of friends in order to grow her own contacts.
The mum wants to keep you around but also wants to keep potential better options available.

[Mam654]

Headintheclouds - My DD was best friends with her DD when she went to school, but she did have other friends who she thought she was close to. However, when she got to school, we realised that her 'best' friend had had a lot of interaction with the other children outside school (outings we weren't invited to) and those other friends and her 'best' friend excluded her from games and became a bit mean. So yes, I did encourage other friendships, and she thought she had other friends, but perhaps I was not networking as hard as this Mum!

[IamWaggingBrenda]

I’d tell her that it sounds like a really good idea and you’re going to do the same thing for your son. Not as a revenge move, but to help your son expand his circle of friends and not become too reliant on the other child. Start inviting other children on play dates so your son doesn’t feel isolated. TBH, she sounds a bit interfering, but since you can’t control what she does, just deal with it in a way that helps your son.

[Mummyshark2019]

I would be staying away from this woman. Sounds like a wierdo.

[Toastymash]

I think it's unhealthy when parents get so involved in their children's social lives. It's great that she wants to organise playdates with a variety of other people but ultimately it's up to her DC who they want to play with and it's odd that she would purposefully try to keep her son away from your DC. Unless there is bullying or dangerous behaviour going on you should just let the kids get on with making friends on their own. They will choose who they want to spend time with.

[HeadintheiClouds]

What interaction do you mean, though? Play dates? Why didn’t you have some too? The very idea that you think you were “excluded” from the other child’s interactions with other children whilst not actually inviting anyone round yourself is really very odd.

[CharityConundrum]

It's nursery aged kids were talking about here so unless it's a total extreme situation, I think it's a bit much to say that friendships are too intense.

I've seen it - two preschoolers who were individually pretty shy but together very happy and socially active. One was off for a while following an operation and the other went from being happy and looking forward to preschool to cying every day at drop-off and wandering aimlessly when there and struggling to mix with the other children.

I think it's the way you describe it OP - you sound as though widening her kids' social circles is something she's doing to you as opposed to something she's doing for the benefit of her kids because she's worried about them being happy at school.

You talk about how you won't be invited to play dates and how you were 'kept in the dark' about her daughter making other friends that your daughter didn't know about as though you and your kids should be consulted - perhaps it's just the way it comes across on the screen, but it sounds as though you think that her wanting to encourage other friendships is somehow a slight on your kids and something that you should have power of veto over.

[Ibiza2015]

Ah. I see what’s happening here and I’m surprised you can’t see it. It does seem like twice your children’s friends parents have started trying to set up other play dates and widen their friendship groups. Both times you/your kids have been distressed by it.

I sounds to me like there is a problem with you/your kids feeling like you have ownership of the other children.

I don’t think the mother is handling it well and I feel sorry for your daughter. But these things do happen and the other child isn’t obliged not to have other friends or even outgrow the friendship.

I think teaching resilience and emphasising to your kids that they are nice kids and lots of other people will want to play with them too.

[HiJenny35]

Daughter had a friend, she was fine but a bit bossy, didn't want daughter to play with other kids, she always wanted to pick what to play, daughter was very passive, I orgasied play dates outside of this friendship I didn't want daughter to be stuck with one friendship. I don't think other mum has done anything wrong. Arrange dates for your child separately it's good for children to have several friendships.

[Rachelover60]

I agree with Toastymash's post. I wouldn't have dreamed of interfering in my child's friendships.

HeadintheClouds, op has already said her home is a bit of DIY/building site at the moment so play dates at hers are not on.
I sympathise with that, been there :-).

[Areyoufree]

It's nursery aged kids were talking about here so unless it's a total extreme situation, I think it's a bit much to say that friendships are too intense.

My daughter was like this. Had one "friend" at preschool that she followed round the entire time. If that friend wasn't there, then she was lost and wouldn't join in at all. Problem was, that her people reading skills are not the best, so she couldn't tell that sometimes her friend wanted space from her. It was a bit awkward at times, as her friend would be blatantly avoiding her, and trying to get away from her, but my daughter wouldn't notice.

[HeadintheiClouds]

Doesn’t really wash though, as op is bewailing “outings” that her dd wasn’t invited on. Why didn’t she do a park play date or similar?
There is a definite possessive vibe here, I’m afraid.
Talking about being kept in the dark about other friendship these little kids are making with other classmates, and her dd “suddenly” discovering that she’s not the other kid’s only friend like a sort of betrayal is frankly bizarre.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Both your children in this situation? One could be accidental but two smacks of a deliberate policy from this OTT mum. She is interfering in the children's friendships too much and not in a good way. .
When you say "Sometimes I feel like the Mum perhaps does not like me, but she treats me like a close friend - always offering favours and chatting, inviting us round, etc. "
I may be hyper suspicious but combined with her previous behaviour this just makes me think that she is being extremely calculating. She recognises that you have two children the same age and this could be very USEFUL to her, calling in return favours in the future which you can't turn down because she's already been so "nice", but for some reason she doesn't want you or your children to get too close so she's keeping you involved but at arms lenght. That does seem very deliberate like she is on the look out for better friends for both her children and herself but you might come in handy at some stage. That's a bit like pre planned CF behaviour isn't it?
If you sometimes feel she doesn't like you - listen to your instincts. Do you really want to get too involved with someone who makes you feel like that. At the very least she is unreliable and its quite a callous way to treat someone.
Whilst staying on polite and pleasant terms, I would take a big step back and as others have said make every effort to widen the social circle for both yourself and your DC's so that none of you are reliant on someone who is already sending out such dodgy signals.

[BlockedAndDeleted]

I'd be interested in hearing her side of the story.

It does sound very suffocating, you wanted your daughter to be BFFs with her daughter. You want your son to be BFFs with her son and you class her as a "very good friend" too.

There are quite often threads from parents who are concerned about intense friendships, or that their children are feel dominated by another child.

They are often advised to do just what your friend had done.

Sounds like she just wants her children to have a wide range of friends, which is healthy and good parenting.

Nothing to do with "leaving you children out" which is a very schoolyard reaction in itself.

Perhaps you should take a leaf out of her book and do the same?

[billy1966]

Bottom line is they can never have too many friends.

We have never entertained the term "best friend" in this house. We have lots of good friends. I think having a best friend is a road to disaster for some children.

It has certainly worked for us having lots of different friends, from different activities, going to different secondary schools.