To hate my toddler during the night HELP

[Helpmelmaooo]

Hi everyone
My girl is 21 months. Every night she goes to bed fine (8.30-9pm) she might cry for 2 mins or so but always drops off to sleep without me having to go back up.
Thing is, every SINGLE night for the last 3 months she’s woken up screaming without fail between 2.30am and 4.30am and won’t go back to sleep. I try and leave her because I know I’m creating a rod for my own back by getting her out of her cot but the screaming just goes on and on and I end up giving up and bringing her into my bed. When I do this it’s hit and miss, sometimes she will go back to sleep and sometimes she spends the 3ish hours awake smacking me in the face ripping my hair out and climbing all over me. Sometimes she has even got my phone and given me a black eye with it. I am seriously SERIOUSLY fed up, I’m exhausted every single day and don’t do enough with her because I’m so tired I don’t want to go out or play, so most days are sofa days. I have tried taking her out for the day and really tiring her out but it doesn’t work, she still wakes up. Last night she woke up at 2.20am and stayed awake til 6.30am, ended up just going downstairs at about 3.15 because she was disturbing my parter and he had to be up early. Tonight she has been awake screaming in her cot for over an hour, at some points I feel like she’s slowing down and tiring out but then she just starts full on screaming again, so far I’ve refused to acknowledge her but tbh it’s not like I’m getting any sleep anyway so I might end up getting her out the cot. She’s been in her own room for 4 nights but this hasn’t made a difference, she just cries louder. Please any help would be appreciated because I’m so exhausted and I feel like I’m starting to hate my child

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have a solution to your problem, but I hope someone else will

Thanks @Bananacloud it’s just getting to that stage where I’m starting to always feel depressed because I’m so sleep deprived, I haven’t had a full nights sleep in over 3 months (aside from two birthday parties where my mum has had her but then it doesn’t count because I’d have had a drink). My eyes are constantly sore and my body always feels like I’m carrying round a ton of weight.

Another point to add is that my mum says when she stays at her house she sleeps 8-8 without even a peep, me and my mum follow the same routine (dinner at 5.30, bath at 6.30, a little play and then bottle and bed at 8/8.30. But she won’t sleep for me. Just feeling irritated that this is the case

Hang in there. We've had similar recently and it was hell and I dreaded the nights. one night was four hours of crying and tantrums. We stuck it out with ten minute intervals and having clearly defined boundaries. I found that once DH and I got clear on what was and wasn't ok it got better quickly. Before that we both had different approaches and individually would also respond in different ways so our DD didn't really know what was acceptable and what wasn't. For us it meant no more cuddles in the chair or coming into our bed but being firm that we would comfort her in her own bed. We also explained it to her in a way she could understand throughout the day so she knew what to expect before she was upset.
As much as you are in survival mode at the moment (and I totally understand) your dc might be getting mixed messages about what happens when they cry. Only you can decide what is the right approach for you and your family and what boundaries you are happy with though and I hope it settles down for you soon.
Good luck!!

She’s stopped crying but isn’t asleep, I can hear her talking but now I’m worried about going back to sleep in case she doesn’t let me know when it’s time to get up and I oversleep and she’s just waiting for me. And I feel really guilty imagining her just sat in her cot in the dark waiting

@spottygymbag I feel like the best way forward is to just stay in bed and completely ignore her, because she just screams louder as soon as I go in her room until I pick her up

That's great the crying has stopped but I know that feeling of waiting all to well. I find it helps by focusing on the fact I'm helping her learn to settle. Many people are advocates for bed sharing etc and I have no problem with that but again- focus on what is right for you both in the longer term.

Don't feel guilty about that! If she's happy enough to not need to cry then she must be ok waiting for you. Go to sleep. You have to get what sleep you can. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for the not sleeping. I've got an 8 month old so not to toddler stage yet! Good luck I hope it gets better soon.

Hang in there- you're doing a great job. You obviously love her and are trying to do the right thing by her. Is she still settling/not crying?

There is a sleep regression between 18 and 24 months, it may be that. If so, she will grow out of it. I know how hard it is though, my first son woke up around 6 times per night until around age 6, i often wonder how I survived that time, being on my own with him and holding down a full time job. I now dont sleep much, must have got used to little sleep, the reason I'm awake at this time while my 20 month old is sleeping...

That sounds awful, no wonder you're fed up! I'm sure you've probably tried all of these before but here are a few suggestions in case there is anything you haven't looked at:

• does she still have a daytime nap? If so, try cutting it out completely (you will probably need to bring her bedtime forward to adjust for this)
• look at her room set up to help her go back to sleep (things like white noise, black out curtains, night light, temperature etc can make a difference)
• a Gro clock or similar to help her learn that she doesn't get up until the right time
• when she wakes you could try going in, give her a cuddle and comfort until she stops crying, put her back to bed. No conversation, just calm her down and back to bed, repeat but extend the amount of time she cries before you go in each time (so 6 minutes then 8 minutes etc). I've done this with my DS and it takes about 3 days to see a real improvement but it did work for us to help getting him to stay in bed
• look at your wind down routine, maybe she needs more time to switch her brain off before bed ? so sh'es physically tired but mentally still thinking everything over - maybe more quiet bath/book/cuddle time before putting her down?
• sleep consultant if you can afford it

Sorry if you've already tried all these!

Ah, it’s hard. It’ll totally depend on daytime sleep and wake up time, but is there any chance she’s overtired?

Mine wakes nightly, so I don’t have a magical solution- but she goes straight back to sleep if she’s ok, it’s when she’s not had good sleep during the day and is overtired that she won’t sleep well and finds it hard to get back to sleep. Perhaps try earlier bed time? Or if she’s getting 11/12 hours a night and sleeps well during the day, perhaps reduce her nap slightly? It’s not easy, and we have found check and return helps.

Don't feel guilty OP.

The fact that she's awake and not screaming is good.

Follow the advice of spottygymbag and don't pick your DD up. Leave her in the cot no matter how much she screams. Go in and reassure her every ten minutes or so but do not pick her up or let her come into your bed.

I have been in your situation with a 23 month old baby.

For several nights it was unbelievably bad. Then DH and I figured out that we needed to be consistent. We did pretty much as PP suggested.

Don't feel guilty. It is very important that you start to get quality sleep, so carry on not picking her up. Every time you pick her up or bring her into your bed you are giving her mixed messages.

The message at night is simple - this is your cot and you're staying in it.

Yes, she will scream the place down for two or three nights while you enforce this but it is worth it.

Set your alarm for whenever you need to get up.

And do not feel guilty. You're setting boundaries and ensuring that you all get a good night's sleep. Both of these things are very important when parenting.

Hang in there.

Sleep deprivation is a living hell and of course you feel rage and resentment when someone is playing face playdough with you in the night!

This is naturally mpacting on your daytime relationship with your DD.

I think it's time to get some professional help and advice before things spiral any further. Your GP or HV would be s first port of call, but perhaps you've tried them already.

Short term, do you get your head down in the daytime when she naps or scramble around catching up on housework? Try letting things go today and snatching a nap yourself and you might feel so much better for it.

In a similar boat here with my 20 month old. I bring him in with me when I go up to bed as I'm so tired I can't face getting up in the night.

If he goes down at 7/7.30 he will wake at 3.15 and roll around whining, headbutting, pinching etc until 5/5.30. If he goes down later he will wake at around 5.its like he can only sleep for 9 hours maximum.

You have my heartfelt sympathy with feeling depressed - I very much feel like I'm enduring life rather than living and like I'm doing a crap job both at home and at work 😕

We had this for a few months and are finally making some progress, here's a few things we tried;

Rock solid daytime routine - up at same time each morning (6am for us), fed at same time, nap at same time (2 hours 11-1pm) and will wake him if he's not up by 1pm.

Get as much fresh air and physical activity in as possible in the afternoon to tire her out

Consistency during the dreaded nights is absolutely vital. Ensure your DP is on the same page - we weren't. Hubby was doing one thing, me another. DS goes down A ok, barely cries but would wake at 2am and scream the place down until we lifted him. He could scream for 3 hours solid some nights. It's taken 2 weeks but here's what we did;
We took it in turns and started by lifting him and soothing him back to sleep for the first few nights. Then started leaving him in the cot and rubbing his back. Then just going into the room to check on him and ssshing him back to sleep. We're now not responding at all and he either cries for a few minutes or just settles himself back to sleep. He slept 8pm - 5am last night (I am literally elated this morning!!!) so nothing groundbreaking but we were just super consistent with it and he got the message that we meant business

Rule out things like hunger, her being too hot/too cold, room nicely lit (we got 2 nightlights so his room is cosy but not too bright), we encouraged the use of a cuddly bunny which he now loves.

Good luck!!

My eldest did this at eighteen months, although without the screaming. He’d just be awake for 2-3 hours. We got him a bed which helped slightly (at least we could get into bed with him rather than the other way round).

I’ll depress you when I say it finally finished (although it did gradually get better over time).

We are in a similar situation with DS at 2. Leaving him to cry is not for us and he normally falls asleep as soon as he is in bed with one of us. We also have 5 month DD, who is pretty much sleeping through the night. It works for us.

I mean this kindly - but all of you whose babies do this just need to let them cry it out for a couple of nights. You have to go in and reassure the child but don't pick them up and definitely do not take them into your bed.

That's what they're crying for - to get into your bed. Then they roll and scratch and hit you for hours.

No thank you. Be firm and take the upper hand. It will take two/three nights of consistency and then you'll have nailed it.

@CustardCreamLover @Amber2019 @catgee @lifecouldbeadream @TheMustressMhor
Thank you for all of your lovely replies, I’ll just do one reply bevause my brain can’t functiin to do separate ones -. She did begin to cry again about twenty minutes ago but didn’t last long and now she’s singing. I’m going to trY and get a couple of hours in and hope she drops off again but if not it’s not an unreasonable time to get up, I’m just knackered but she will probably go for a nap very soon after breakfast. She does usually have a long nap in the morning to catch up on sleep that she obviously lost between 3-6am and it’s normally about two hours she has. Then she has her normal afternoon nap about 2-4pm. My mind is telling me to take her out for a good run instead of that nap but I’m just too bloody can’t tired to even think about it. I will try ignoring her for a couple of days and see if it improves but if not I’ll ask my gp

Talk to your HV - they can refer to paediatric nurses with sleep training.

Does she nap in the day? I know it sounds counter intuitive but she may need an earlier bedtime. I totally understand - my twins, just 3, have awful sleep probably related to the fact they are both autistic, and I have had a handful of proper nights sleep in 3 years. I’m going slowly mad at this point!

Yeah, you might need to try and condense that to one nap - will take a bit of wrangling. Waking up at 4pm means quite a short window between nap and bed time, and the awake periods are a big factor in how my boys sleep

We had this and for some reason she was 1000000 times better for her dad. Is that an option? Is your partner her dad or does he have a good relationship with her?

If I went in then tried to leave all hell would break loose but she tolerated him giving a quick cuddle and telling her it was time to sleep

Sorry, pressed send too soon. I agree with making an appointment to see GP. Half of DS's issue was breathing issues to do with large adenoids, which were removed at 18 months.

DS is currently at nursery, but starts pre school soon. We are interested to see if this has an affect on his sleeping, as the pre-school might stimulate him differently.

I'd definitely drop the 'catch up' nap. You could try a 30 min morning power nap (this never worked for my daughter but I've seen it recommended) or keep her busy, take her out and get home for an early dinner and nap at 12 or maybe even earlier