To hate my toddler during the night HELP

[Helpmelmaooo]

Hi everyone
My girl is 21 months. Every night she goes to bed fine (8.30-9pm) she might cry for 2 mins or so but always drops off to sleep without me having to go back up.
Thing is, every SINGLE night for the last 3 months she’s woken up screaming without fail between 2.30am and 4.30am and won’t go back to sleep. I try and leave her because I know I’m creating a rod for my own back by getting her out of her cot but the screaming just goes on and on and I end up giving up and bringing her into my bed. When I do this it’s hit and miss, sometimes she will go back to sleep and sometimes she spends the 3ish hours awake smacking me in the face ripping my hair out and climbing all over me. Sometimes she has even got my phone and given me a black eye with it. I am seriously SERIOUSLY fed up, I’m exhausted every single day and don’t do enough with her because I’m so tired I don’t want to go out or play, so most days are sofa days. I have tried taking her out for the day and really tiring her out but it doesn’t work, she still wakes up. Last night she woke up at 2.20am and stayed awake til 6.30am, ended up just going downstairs at about 3.15 because she was disturbing my parter and he had to be up early. Tonight she has been awake screaming in her cot for over an hour, at some points I feel like she’s slowing down and tiring out but then she just starts full on screaming again, so far I’ve refused to acknowledge her but tbh it’s not like I’m getting any sleep anyway so I might end up getting her out the cot. She’s been in her own room for 4 nights but this hasn’t made a difference, she just cries louder. Please any help would be appreciated because I’m so exhausted and I feel like I’m starting to hate my child

Could it be the final molars coming?

@Helpmelmaooo why haven't you had a full
Nights sleep if you have a partner? He should be doing half or at least Friday and Saturdays if you don't work.

I have two little boys with autism and they do this - it really is torture. Would she climb out over a stairgate? The only thing that works for us is putting a single mattress on the floor so they can jump around if they need to, a weighted blanket and toys that are appropriate to hit/throw (eg soft balls) to get all their frustrations out. We tried sleep training and conventional methods, did not work.

feel for u op but it will improve. I'd focus all your energies on getting her into a solid one nap a day routine. Say 12-2. Then aim for her to bed going to sleep at 7, might mean u have to start the bedtime routine at 6. The morning nap and too late an afternoon nap are killing this for you atm. Once her new routine is in place I'd echo what the others have said and stop putting her in your bed, pop in to check on her but expectation is she has to stay in her bed. Give it a few weeks I think you'd see a big difference!

@Grobagsforever he works away Monday - Friday and he’s exhausted on the weekends (hard physical job) so I just leave him to it, also he doesn’t really know what to do with her and just ends up taking her downstairs and falling asleep on the sofa so I’d rather just deal with it myself.

Have you tried putting her in a bed? My son used to do this, and I realised it was because he was moving in his sleep, hitting the sides of the cot, and waking himself up. We put him in a toddler bed instead, and he starting sleeping straight through.

Whenever my (now) 2 year old used to do this I realised that if I took him out of his cot he would not go back in without screaming hysterically. When he woke up I would go and give him a hug (with him still in the cot) tell him it was ok but it’s nighttime and he needs to go back to sleep. Most of the time he would lie down and go back down ok, if not I would just stay in the room, not talking to him but he would know I was there and go back to sleep.

Do you think she could miss the morning nap and have an early lunch then sleep from 11.30/12 until 2.30?
She definitely needs a nap during the day, but I think you need to get her out of the catch-up-nap cycle, as that just encourages her to wake in the night.
It will be hard and she will be tired and cranky for a while but will get used to it.
Hope today goes ok for you (and tonight!).

@Helpmelmaooo - if he 'doesn't know what to do with her' then he needs to learn! I'll bet he sleeps full nights while he works away? Don't fall into the trap of enabling him to not to take proper responsibility. Or it will be a lifetime of 'oh you're better with her you do it'.

Hope you get it sorted. My 5 year just started night waking again and it's hell. But I am widowed parent so no choice but to do it myself. Your partner needs to give you AT LEAST one night off per week.

Could it be pain? Is she teething or does she have a gripey tummy? How about milk, in case it's a growth spurt? How about black out blind or checking to see if anything is waking her? Move her bed maybe?

My first was a nightmare til 13 weeks then great, then bad then great, now at 11 she is an extreme owl so gladly goes to bed at midnight (if allowed) and sleeps (weekends) til 10 if allowed - she's a pest!

DS is the opposite didn't sleep through til 28 months and was hungry, went to bed easily enough but couldn't keep him asleep all night - it just clicked in the end (not helpful I know)

Ok going against the grain here but we had this and here is what worked for us....

Yes it was (like most things) a phase but a bloody rough one. I feel for you. We took the path of least resistance, almost the opposite of what some pp have suggested, we scooped her up into our bed as soon as she started to wake, before it got to the crying stage . It was easy to do because it seemed to be the same time every night. If she was doing the Face kicking thing or still just awake I would take her downstairs and we’d lay on the sofa reading books. And she would usually drop off again after a while. We all Got much more sleep that way!

It is a developmental thing. With our DD I can really tell when she is trying to get her own way vs when she is truly distressed, and with her this sleep regression was true distress. She has grown out of it.

We didn’t make a rod for our own backs - we are through the other side of it now, she sleeps in her own bed all night and if she wakes I just need to go and sit by her bed to comfort her or read a story. She doesn’t even get out for a cuddle, she is content.

I say do whatever gets you the most sleep. I don’t think any sleep training during a sleep regression works tbh.

You have my sympathy. I'd cut the later nap even if it kills you.
Have you tried co sleeping she may not wake up with the heat of your body, although it should be a last resort, it took years to get DD back into her room.
Could you get a single bed on her room, if you don't want to bring her in most nights, don't being her in at all.
I am not sure if it is necessary but if all else fails try melatonin. Afaik it is safe to use.

I offer solidarity. My DS is 16 months, goes to sleep in his cot just fine. Anywhere between 1-5am, he does the same as your DD. He only has one nap during the day. I'm tired.

Would it be night terrors or cramp's my DD has very restless legs it wakes her some nights.

It's so tough OP, I have the utmost sympathy as my DD was a terrible, terrible sleeper until 2. She thankfully sleeps through now, and we didn't ever have to leave her to cry. When I stopped bf DP took over nights, I think it was 4 nights and he cracked it and she started sleeping through. If she sleeps well for your mum and goes back to sleep with no fuss if she does wake, then getting your partner to do the wake ups for a few days may really help. DD always (and still does) play up more for me than DP, she went back to sleep for him with minimal fuss because she knew he was just going to give her a quick cuddle then tell her it's time to sleep. Every time she got up he did the same thing. She may fuss for you because it gets what she wants as you give in, I know it's hard not to when you are half dead with sleep deprivation. DD has been in a single bed since just over 1 when she moved out of ours and that does make it easier than dealing with a cot as you can get in for a cuddle