To hate my toddler during the night HELP

[Helpmelmaooo]

Hi everyone
My girl is 21 months. Every night she goes to bed fine (8.30-9pm) she might cry for 2 mins or so but always drops off to sleep without me having to go back up.
Thing is, every SINGLE night for the last 3 months she’s woken up screaming without fail between 2.30am and 4.30am and won’t go back to sleep. I try and leave her because I know I’m creating a rod for my own back by getting her out of her cot but the screaming just goes on and on and I end up giving up and bringing her into my bed. When I do this it’s hit and miss, sometimes she will go back to sleep and sometimes she spends the 3ish hours awake smacking me in the face ripping my hair out and climbing all over me. Sometimes she has even got my phone and given me a black eye with it. I am seriously SERIOUSLY fed up, I’m exhausted every single day and don’t do enough with her because I’m so tired I don’t want to go out or play, so most days are sofa days. I have tried taking her out for the day and really tiring her out but it doesn’t work, she still wakes up. Last night she woke up at 2.20am and stayed awake til 6.30am, ended up just going downstairs at about 3.15 because she was disturbing my parter and he had to be up early. Tonight she has been awake screaming in her cot for over an hour, at some points I feel like she’s slowing down and tiring out but then she just starts full on screaming again, so far I’ve refused to acknowledge her but tbh it’s not like I’m getting any sleep anyway so I might end up getting her out the cot. She’s been in her own room for 4 nights but this hasn’t made a difference, she just cries louder. Please any help would be appreciated because I’m so exhausted and I feel like I’m starting to hate my child

Around that time I had to change daytime sleep patterns - not easy because I felt I really needed the naps to get me through the day too, but it definitely helped with the night and made life so much easier. And yes, definitely no inconsistency that suggests if you put more effort into the crying and screaming you get what you want. Calm reassurance but definitely not mummy’s bed.

I totally understand why she is needing to nap during the day after being awake for much of the early hours, but I think the napping might be creating a vicious circle.

My 15 month old DD2 is on just one nap a day and has to be awake by 2.15pm for us to have any chance of a 7pm bedtime. I would think a 4pm nap would be far too late for an 8pm bedtime at that age.

If she's napping after breakfast, I'd suggest you cap that at 45 minutes, 1 hour tops. Then she should be awake for at least 3-3.5 hours. The second nap no longer than 2 hours (ideally 1.5) with a nice early bedtime. Yes it will be painful for you both for a few days but it will at least give you a shot at a full night's sleep.

Could it be night terrors; mine went through a stage of them at that age. When you think they have woken up and are screaming they aren't actually awake, so when you go to them, cuddle them etc it wakes them and then scares them, distresses them and then you get the kicking etc.
While going against natural instinct as a parent, try when they 'wake' and cry just letting them have a moment (should only last a few mins), make sure they are safe and if out of bed lead them back ( they are sleep walking at this point) then tuck them back in and they should hopefully settle again. I found that when i did what i thought was comfort them it wole them up and we had a several hours of what you have described. Toddler night terrors (nhs have good advice on the website)are quite common but terrifying for all... the key though is not to wake them up (which is difficult as you think they are awake!)

I would only make an appointment with the doctor if sleep-training failed, to be honest.

It is unbelievably rare that there is a medical reason for babies and toddlers waking up repeatedly during the night.

A paediatric nurse sleep specialist will tell you to try sleep-training first before any other avenues are explored.

Remember you're doing this for your own sanity as well as for your child's normal development.

Children need sleep.

She’s up again crying again literally just as I laid back down to sleep. It’s like she knows when I’m tired and about to sleep and that’s when she does it. It’s got so bad now and I dread going to bed every night, I’ve even started waking up during the night before she even does just expecting her to start screaming

Is she in a cot? I moved my DS to a.bed by 16 months and things got instantly better, he hated being 'caged'

I would either let her have the morning nap, but miss the afternoon one, or keep her awake this morning then let her nap 12 til 2pm, then up and outside for the afternoon if possible. Also you should nap when she does. Does your dh work at the weekend? I would be sharing the lie ins as well.

When ds was small I was nearly on my knees with exhaustion. As soon as he was old enough to go a few hours between feeds (bf) dh would take him down on a weekend morning to let me get a couple of hours. He is 5 now and we still have 1 weekend lie in each when possible.

I had this with my eldest. She's getting it the age now where she doesn't need two naps, so you're going to have to plough through the exhaustion and try and keep her busy so you can condense it into one (maybe give her lunch at midday and straight down after). Then follow the advice of PPs and do the sleep training routine, it does work.

Also it's hard to keep a tired toddler from wanting their bed if they're inside all day, so can you try:

Breakfast 7
Short walk/blast of fresh air around 8
Bottle and nap 9-9.45
Snack 10
Park/garden/activity etc 10.30-11.30
Lunch 12
Bottle 1
Nap 1-2.30
Snack 3
They help you with jobs etc in and around
the house
Tea 5
Bath 6
Bedtime 7

I know it’s rough - in this situation, I get up, make myself a strong coffee and then try to get some fresh air together.

Try to keep her awake until 10am, then when she naps limit it to an hour. Then try for a nap about 1:30pm and limit that too. This is brutal when all you want to do is sleep I know!

Eventually I’d be aiming for a 2 hour nap around 12pm and a bedtime of 7:30, but that might not work well for you, everyone is different.

Still, I would try to push that morning nap back and keep it short until you get to a point where you can combine them into a longer single nap.

I would let her have her catch up nap this morning and no afternoon nap, it could be that it's time to drop the nap completely, today will be hell but I would block a few days and tag team if possible with partner and do a sleep train/change of nap combo

Sleep apnoea can be quite rare. It was certainly something we didn't consider when discuss with the pediatrician.

@clairedelalune it’s definitely not night terrors as she is fully awake and standing up when this happens

@Hippobag she’s still in her cot but it does convert into a toddler bed so maybe I’ll try that. I was thinking maybe rather than cry she would just get up and have a play then go back to sleep

I think the fact that she sleep for your mum is a bit of a red herring. Unless it's something about the environment like she's cold at that point in the night at your house but not your mums, or maybe there's a regular noise outside waking her etc.

Typically a toddler around that age needs 13-14 hours sleep in 24 hours. I say typically because all children are different. Mostly though they need that sleep and the more they have, the better they will sleep and the more they will sleep. I would stab a guess at her being overtired. Sometimes things only need tweaking a very little bit. What's the rest of her routine like?

At that age my children had a nap straight after lunch for 1-2 hours. The children I childmind are the same but some children need waking by a certain point or it will impact bedtime. So I would make sure that she's having a good nap and I would also try bringing bedtime forward to 7/7:30pm. As it stands she's not getting enough sleep so will be overtired. If you're tired then she's tired! So it's going to be harder to break the rut that she's in.

Common advice on MN is to cut a nap and yes sometimes it will help, but usually more from the point of creating a child who is so tired they'll zonk out at night. Young children need a daytime nap as it helps to develop their brains. So I would always begin with the theory that the child is overtired and try adding more sleep before taking it away. You have nothing to loose and if it doesn't work then you can try dropping a nap.

I really do understand how awful the sleep deprivation is. My second child went through a period of only sleeping in my arms for a whole month when she was 5 months old. Sometimes she'd nap in her crib for 40 mins but I had to hold her for 2 hours first. She did that for an entire month. My third started her day at 3am between the ages of 3-7 months and would only go back to sleep in my arms and she had to stay there. For a good while I was dizzy and sick with tiredness and sometimes seeing things while in charge of 3 children. Even now she still wakes before 6am, not so bad except I can't get into bed until midnight with the amount of business paperwork and life admin I have to do. Life can be hard but I believe that it goes in phases and sometimes it will be harder than others.

Just to add, if she's in her bed awake, just sleep. You need it to function. I do understand what it is to need to wait until they are asleep to sleep yourself. She's 21 months though and she is in a safe environment and will be ok.

I would definitely reduce to one nap during the day.

My dc went through the night waking at about the same age. If I brought him into bed, he would just want to play so I put an armchair in his room and when he woke, I went in, lay him down and sat in the armchair. Sometimes I had to hold his hand through the cot bars but at least he went back to sleep and I slept in the armchair.

For me, a semi comfortable few hours on the armchair was better than listening to him screaming or having him in bed kicking me!

The armchair thing lasted a few weeks and then he started sleeping through.

@MaverickSnoopy I have tried dressing her in more and less, thicker blankets, thinner blankets etc nothing works, my mum says she is like an angel when she stays. She sleeps 8-8, sometimes she wakes up but my mum just holds her for a few mins then puts her back and she goes straight back to sleep. When I tried this she punched and kicked me TIL I had to put her down then screamed til I put her in my bed. Also at my mums in the day She has her lunch and has a nap for 1.5 hours immediately after and then I pick her up and by the time we get home she turns into a demon again. My partner works away Monday-Friday so there’s not much point in him helping as she hates him too (lol) and definitely won’t settle for him. I think it’s becayse he isn’t here all week she’s not really used to him anymore

I think she’s asleep at last, fingers crossed but I imagine as soon as I close my eyes she’ll be awake again

Ok, I’d suggest a (very) short nap in the morning, then 1.5 to 2 hrs max- mid-day to 2pm sort of thing.

Over 15months you’d expect them to only nap once- it may take a few days to get there- but that’s what I’d be aiming for.

If she does need 2 naps- aim for short nap 2 hrs from first wake, 3 hours awake from waking after that nap, nap and then 4 hours awake (min) before bed.

I’ve just crept out into the hallway, heard a big sleepy sigh from her so she’s definitely asleep. So glad that’s over, she’ll try to sleep until about 10 now but I’m going to set my alarm for 8.30. I can rest my dry swollen squinty eyes now

I completely agree with limpshade on a suggested schedule, that's almost exactly our schedule with a 20 month old. Limiting perhaps because she has to be in her cot for 2 hours every afternoon, but so worth it. Your DD is awake at night because she is able to catch up during the day (especially the morning nap). Gradually either decrease the length of this nap or push it later.

A rock solid routine and a few nights of some timed controlled crying saved my sanity. It's really tough op, you have my sympathy and I hope you can work something out.

Just realised it’s bin day so I will have to try and sleep through glass recycling bins being emptied 😩
I’m going to get her up at 8.30 and try and be at the park for 9.30, home for 11ish to cook lunch etc then try and get a nap for 12.30-2ish and hopefully bed at 8. Last night she just would not go to bed, it does get to you when you literally spend every waking moment with your child, I think I got about 45 mins between her going to bed and me going to bed last night. Hopefully tonight will be an improvement. DP home tonight so I’m hoping he doesn’t mess it up, he is very prone to feeling sorry for her

I'd be refusing to let her sleep during the day. It'll be hard work and she will kick off but she needs to be worn out.

I've read in a few sleep guides that fixing the daytime sleep is the most important part of getting the night sleeps to work so I definitely think trying to consolidate that down to a single nap of about 2 hours could help a lot. It's going to be tough because you're both going to be tired in the mornings and I can imagine the temptation to let her sleep if she;s down but maybe you could try reducing the morning nap by 15 minutes every couple of days (wake her if you have to) and gradually bring the midday nap forward too.
I think the average requirement for a nearly 2 year old is about 11-12 hours sleep in total (including day naps) although everyone is different but it could be something to aim for, just change a little bit at a time.

I'd be refusing to let her sleep during the day. It'll be hard work and she will kick off but she needs to be worn out.

TBH that’s not always possible, or constructive. DT2 needs a nap or he will just pass out around 4pm - very hard to wake him and if you do he’s inconsolable. He then sleeps even worse that night.

Too much daytime sleep can wreck night time sleep, but so can too little. It’s so complicated!