To suggest it's not ok to call to see a newborn in the evening?

[Alicia870]

A friend has just had her second baby and already has a 3 year old. Other two friends suggested going to visit her an evening next week. I am one year into being a mum myself and those newborn days aren't such a distant memory. I can just remember the evenings being the absolute worst time of day. I was so exhausted at that point in the day having been up the previous night and for nights prior to that. Not to mention the impending doom of the sleepless night ahead. Baby always seemed to want to feed for ages after 6pm especially in those early days. I hated the evenings and I think if visitors called in I would have locked myself in the bathroom and cried!
I suggested I don't think evening is a great time to visit a mum with a newborn and toddler- as she will likely be so tired at that stage of the day and also be putting the other child to bed- was I being rude? My other friends (who aren't mums just to add 😬) seemed to be a bit stubborn and that it was the time that suits them best with work.

You're not unreasonable. Especially with a toddler she will be wanting bedtime to be as normal as possible!

Do you expect people to take time off work instead?!

They could go at the weekend...

YANBU.

Evenings would have been best for me and my newborns. Just sitting around feeding and a bit over the day.

Jesus Christ it’s hard to know what to do right anymore! Don’t touch newborns (other thread), don’t visit them after certain times...!

Sadly, if they work, they only have evening or weekends. I’m sure your friend won’t mind for one evening

(Also love the little dig that they don’t have children)

Why? I really don’t see the problem.

YANBU, they’ve probably got a routine that will be disturbed if people go on the evening

Better to ask the mum, everyone’s different
I wouldn’t have minded visitors when DD was tiny, but with a 3yo I may be less keen!

Why don't you just ask your friend what time would be best?

Your friend will say no if it doesn’t work for her.

For a first baby, I don’t think the time of day matters too much. I actually think evenings might have been easier as I think I spent a lot of the morning in bed and in pjs. By evening time, I would more likely to have had a shower and look semi decent.

But for subsequent children, evenings are likely to be a dreadful time for visiting. I would have been desperately trying to keep some kind of routine in place and trying to get the toddler to go to bed when they actually wanted to stay up like the baby, but knowing that it wouldn’t matter if they stayed up late, they would still be up at the crack of dawn and after a late night, would just be grumpy for the day.

Don’t visit in the evening, unless new mum is absolutely sure that it works for her. I’d give her the option, should we come round on Monday after work, or on Saturday sometime and see what she says.

It entirely depends, I think. Evenings were much the same as the rest of the day for us, no witching hour or anything – we just continued the same kind of mostly asleep, sometimes awake cycle as the rest of the day. But I think if there's a 3yo it's different as it might interfere with bedtime. On the other hand, it might be easier for her to have visitors when the 3yo is in bed! There's no way of knowing unless you ask.

Meh, I always preferred evenings - nice company while the baby cluster fed. Older kids ok bed by then so actually possible to talk. She may not agree though, so how about you ask?

Surely you just ask the mum what she thinks?

Personally I thought evening was the perfect time for visitors. I could go out and do things during the day but in the early weeks you’re more tied to the house in the evening. Either because they’re good sleepers and you don’t want to risk waking them, or they’re bad sleepers and easier at home.

I always visit people with new babies in the evening, I work 8-5 and weekends are normally choka. Would never assume and always ask before going but think you are being unreasonable and a bit precious

I liked it when kind friends visited in the evening as they generally offered to hold the baby while I had a cup of tea or a quick bite to eat as it was usually then I realised I hadn't eaten drank or gone to the toilet all day 🙈 but they always asked if it suited for them to call the and generally I was happy to see them

I would have hated an evening visit but loved a daytime weekend one!

I wouldn't turn up in an evening if someone has a toddler. Dp's dad has always insisted on coming on a week day evening (because his step kids get dibs on a weekend) and it has always messed with ds's routine.
Newborns are different and mum would know best.

Are there really people who do nothing and see no one after 6pm in case it messes up a three year old’s routine?! What a dreary life
Why can’t someone drop round after bedtime?

YANBU. I remember when DS1 was 2 weeks old work colleagues of DHs who I didn't really know insisting they must come at 7pm after work one night. I was in the full throes of baby blues and like you say OP, evening was the absolute worst. I had to put make up on and leave the room to feed because I didn't yet feel comfortable feeding in front of strangers. One of them has since had a baby and I wonder if she realises how uncomfortable I was now.

DH was totally at fault for putting pressure on me to let them come. Thankfully by the time DS2 came along he had wised up and kept unwanted visitors away

I think your blanket statement is wrong.

Different parents (with different babies) will have different preferences.

It's fine for your friends to suggest visiting in the evening, as long as they are not pushy about it.

Do you expect people to take time off work instead?!

No-one has to visit, and if they want to, they can leave it to the weekend. How difficult can it be to work that one out?

OP, I agree, I would have hated having people turning up in the evenings when my children were newborn.

We had quite a few evening visitors - it was fine and DS was usually awake rather than during the daytime when he was largely asleep (for the first couple of weeks).

Now an evening visit would be out of the question for my 1.5yo who knows that 5 to 7 is up the stairs time!

Maybe you should ask your friend. Evening visits were always fine by me.

@Tonnerre and if they don’t visit, I expect a thread will be started here about how selfish and inconsiderate the child free friends are for not visiting