To suggest it's not ok to call to see a newborn in the evening?

[Alicia870]

A friend has just had her second baby and already has a 3 year old. Other two friends suggested going to visit her an evening next week. I am one year into being a mum myself and those newborn days aren't such a distant memory. I can just remember the evenings being the absolute worst time of day. I was so exhausted at that point in the day having been up the previous night and for nights prior to that. Not to mention the impending doom of the sleepless night ahead. Baby always seemed to want to feed for ages after 6pm especially in those early days. I hated the evenings and I think if visitors called in I would have locked myself in the bathroom and cried!
I suggested I don't think evening is a great time to visit a mum with a newborn and toddler- as she will likely be so tired at that stage of the day and also be putting the other child to bed- was I being rude? My other friends (who aren't mums just to add 😬) seemed to be a bit stubborn and that it was the time that suits them best with work.

No I wouldn’t want visitors during my eldest bedtimes. My DH’s friends said they could only do Fridays at 7.30pm, I said well tough they just don’t see the newborn then.

I’m not understanding.

If the mother has said the evening is a good time then I would go in the evening as that’s what suits her.

If your unsure it’s best to ask.

I’m genuinely confused as to why your confused about this.

Well DS slept from about 6pm to 10/11pm as a new born so you'd have found me in bed at 8pm getting some sleep as I knew her be awake through the night

Ask her. If you go, suggest you bring a dinner, hold the baby while they eat and wash up afterwards.

Definitely agree she needs to be asked - that was what I suggested to my friends anyway after saying I don't think it's a good time. I'm surprised so many people are up for visitors in the evening with a brand new baby. Of course everyone different, so it's interesting to hear. I just really felt that after having hardly any sleep in those early days, the tiredness really hit me around 5-6pm, and I knew that there would be little rest the night ahead. I usually had lots of visitors in the day too, which is when most people came, so if more landed in at night I would have been a wreck and not had a minutes peace all day. And I thought throwing the 3 year old in would just add some stress on the parents when they were doing the bedtime routine. That's just where I was coming from! But you're right she may have a different view so we'll see how she feels

It depends on how close you are and how the new mum is about drop in visits.
If you do go then you should be Good Guests so when you arrive,

1. Bring takeaway so she gets a break from cooking dinner.
2. Organise between yourselves to do one or two chores each, empty & refill the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, bring in and fold what’s on the line, vacuum, mop the hard floors, do a bit of dusting. Read a story to the toddler, hold the baby so she can have a quick shower & wash her hair or shave her legs.

As a mother with a newborn and a toddler I was overwhelmed at times especially in the evenings which was usually chaos, I would go for weeks without adult interaction except my husband. She would love a visit from friends, but be a really good friend, Don’t show up empty handed and don’t sit on your arse while she goes crazy coping with the 4 to 8 pm chaos.

Sounds OK to me. I was tired all the time, wouldn't have made much difference if a visit was arranged for 3pm or 3am half the time.

I still remember a lovely evening I had when friends came round to see me and my second child after their dc and my toddler were in bed.

Mornings were the worst time for me as getting up and dressed took HOURS. Earlier in the day I would have been chasing a toddler.

It was perfect and grown up and we even had a glass of fizz while I sat about and fed baby. It was great.

It’s not as if they’ll be going to bed with a cluster feeding newborn.

Asking the mum is perfect.

Mop the hard floors and do the dusting?? Vacuum? Put a load of washing on?!

Did I really just read that? You can do all of these things with newborn babies. I’d be mortified if my friends came and did this. And I wouldn’t do this without anyone asking me to either.
They are coming to have a chat, and see the baby!! I get it’s hard with a small baby (I had three) and I’m sure nobody is expecting an immaculate home.

It’s so different for different families. With a newborn baby and a toddler I much preferred day time visitors so they could give some attention to the toddler. Evenings are a bit full on and by the time the children were in bed i wasn’t that far behind them. Others might have a newborn that doesn’t go down until 10 so am evening visit might work fine for them.

Everyone's different. I only BF til 12 weeks and I really struggled with it and never got to a stage where it was anything but v fiddly and horrendously painful, and my DD cluster fed in the evenings from about 4 or 6pm until about 10 or 11pm every night. So I did hate having evening visitors but it was rare we did. I wouldn't count my own siblings or parents as visitors tho but anyone else I didn't want around really at that time but I wouldn't have said so. Once I moved to bottle feeding, evenings were fine for us until we started moving DD's bedtime back to about 8ish or so when she was about 8 months. Shes 15 mo now and is in a good bedtime routine where she goes to bed at 7, so evenings aren't good for us again now but for an odd evening with a visitor providing she was happy to stay up and not crying and whinging with tiredness, I wouldn't mind really and wouldn't tell someone not to come.

2. Organise between yourselves to do one or two chores each, empty & refill the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, bring in and fold what’s on the line, vacuum, mop the hard floors, do a bit of dusting. Read a story to the toddler, hold the baby so she can have a quick shower & wash her hair or shave her legs.

I would have been horrified and extremely uncomfortable if someone came into my house and started doing my housework. Please don’t do that unless she requests you to do so

I would have been horrified and extremely uncomfortable if someone came into my house and started doing my housework. Please don’t do that unless she requests you to do so

Totally agree! Taking meals for the freezer is nice. Doing housework is too much.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to object to evening visitors when mine were newborns, but people on here can be precious about these things.

I preferred evenings. Dh only had 2 weeks off so during the day we wanted to be out and about. Plus all the appointments etc.
Evenings for me can be pretty boring so I liked evening visitors.

Due in New year again and it will be the same id imagine

All of these responses just confirm how important it is to check with the mum. I would have been mortified if my friends started cleaning my house, and I liked visitors in the evening. Make sure you include the toddler, so if you bring a gift for the baby - bring a little something for the older one too so they’re not left out.