Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with ILS and DH

56 replies

foxtong · 19/09/2019 20:25

My grandfather died earlier this week and the funeral is one day next week at 2pm. We have dcs aged 6 and 9 and PIL have agreed to pick them up from after school club on the day of the funeral, which is open until 6. They have them said they will take dc out for tea. This is very helpful of them but I had also hoped that they would attend the actual funeral. They have known me and my parents for 20 years and met my grandad on very many family occasions and are good friends with my parents. It would be possible for them to go to the funeral at 2 and then still Pick dc up at 5 so that we can stay at he wake but they have said they will just go for dc as it is a lot of travelling round - it's just under one hour probably from funeral and dcs school, and another hour back to where they live. They are early 60s, retired and fit and well, and regularly (as in at least fortnightly) drive to the other side of the country to see BiL and family.

I know that if it was my dh's grandparents funeral then my parents would definitely attend- in fact my dad did go to dh's aunts funeral a few years ago. And my parents are older and still working, so it's not as if they have fewer demands on their time.

When I said to dh I was upset about it he got all defensive with me saying I was having a go at him, which I really hadn't. I said could he ask them to text my mum and explain why they won't make the service, and he seemed to think I should ask pils that. There have been times in the past when they have upset me and he hasn't backed me up or said anything and I feel this is another example.

I know they are doing us a favour getting the dcs and I do appreciate that, but I really can't see why they wouldn't come to the funeral too.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2019 20:40

Perhaps they don't really want to?

QueenEnid · 19/09/2019 20:44

@foxtong sorry for the loss of your granddad. It's tough going ❤️

Whilst I can completely see where you're coming from, I think YABU. You don't need to control who comes or doesn't come to the funeral. Just because they could come it doesn't mean they want to. Not everyone does. Plus, a 2 hour round trip for a 20 min funeral service is a lot. I likely wouldn't go for that either. It's a lot out of a day plus petrol etc.

No one needs to explain why they weren't there so I'm with your husband that YABU. Your ILs don't owe any explanations. They're picking your kids up and dealing with them for you. I'm sure they will say their own goodbyes or have a drink for your grandad in their own time x

Original poster
foxtong · 19/09/2019 20:54

I think you are right and that they don't want to and that is what I'm finding upsetting. I think it would be the right thing to do to go and sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
foxtong · 19/09/2019 20:54

They are also incredibly wealthy.....cost of petrol is not the reason!

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 19/09/2019 20:57

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than attending a funeral, rush hour traffic and then collecting kids from school which will also be busy.

Condolences to the loss of your grandad OP.

RandomMess · 19/09/2019 20:58

This is difficult because you admit that you think going is "the right thing to do" and they should go out of social obligation.

You loved your DGD but are you going out of social obligation or because you want to say goodbye?

I would honestly feel intrusive going to an equivalent in law funeral.

GreenTulips · 19/09/2019 20:58

My mother dislikes funerals and wouldn’t attend. Aunt died recently and mum didn’t go even though they had been good friends for 40 plus years -

You can’t make them go.

letsdolunch321 · 19/09/2019 20:59

Sorry to read of your recent loss.

Doesn't matter what the reason is that they do not want to attend the funeral, it is there decision not to attend and that is that.

It is more important they pick up your dcs and do not have the worry of getting from one venue to another.

Drogosnextwife · 19/09/2019 21:08

I would feel awkward going to the funeral of someone I hardly knew. "several occasions" probably isn't enough to make them feel as though the knew him well enough to attend his funeral.

Original poster
foxtong · 19/09/2019 21:11

See I have been to funerals of people I haven't actually met- in particular siblings or parents of friends- I have gone to support my friend. I'm sure there was a thread on here a little while ago about different attitudes towards this!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 19/09/2019 21:16

Instead of getting Dh to ask them why they are not coming, maybe he could make it less confrontational and ask them if they'd like to attend. Not everyone is comfortable going to funerals and they may think a funeral is more for close family and close friends. The fact they are coming to mind the kids would be good enough for me tbh.

waxmelt · 19/09/2019 21:16

I definitely don't think your PIL need to send a text to your DM to explain why they won't be attending, they are doing you a huge favour in collecting your DC's without the added stress of attending a funeral so I think YABU.

Sorry for your loss OP Thanks

Floralnomad · 19/09/2019 21:20

Sorry for your loss , but YABU , especially in regards to them contacting your mum to explain . I actually can’t understand why , if you feel funeral attendance is so important that you are not taking your children .

TabbyMumz · 19/09/2019 21:26

I dont think it's the "right thing for them to do" at all. To them, he's just someone they met. He isn't their family. They have no obligation to go. But then I'm not the sort to go to funerals really and get cross when people go to funerals when its someone they hardly know, or met once.

Teachermaths · 19/09/2019 21:27

To be fair that does sound like a lot of traveling. They might be worried about timing and getting back for the kids. 2 hours for a funeral of someone they don't really know is a big ask.

They certainly don't owe your mum an explanation or apology.

Flowers sorry for your loss.

Teachermaths · 19/09/2019 21:28

See I have been to funerals of people I haven't actually met

As have I, to support a friend.

But your inlaws aren't your friend. Your dh is there to support you. They don't need to be there.

SplintersOnTheFence · 19/09/2019 21:34

The pertinent question is why aren't you taking your children to the funeral?

Mountian · 19/09/2019 21:39

So sorry to hear about your grandad Flowers.

I think that with a family bereavement, there is no right or wrong. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with it.

In your case, your PILs are kindly dealing with your DC and that is the most important thing.

I always think that those who attend funerals are doing it for the living and your ILs are supporting you, albeit in a different way.

I would not get stressed about it.

PinkiOcelot · 19/09/2019 21:42

Sorry for the loss of you grandad OP, but I think YABVU here. You want them to text your parents the reason they’re not going? Really?!
No one should feel they have to go to a funeral. Or anywhere for that matter.
I’m hoping the grief has gone to your head and this isn’t your usual self.

TabbyMumz · 19/09/2019 21:50

"The pertinent question is why aren't you taking your children to the funeral?"

Not everyone thinks children should go to funerals.

pasturesgreen · 19/09/2019 21:57

Sorry for your loss, OP.

If the funeral is at 2, and they need to pick up DC at 5, with an hour's drive in-between, attending both would mean cutting it rather fine, particularly in rush hour traffic. I'd cut them some slack tbh.

morrisseysquif · 19/09/2019 22:01

Sorry for your loss.

Many people hate funerals, don't take it so personally and be gracious they are helping you.

Original poster
foxtong · 20/09/2019 06:53

Thank you for your condolences. I accept that they are helping us out with the dcs and that is their way of supporting me. I just thought a text would be courteous/ if it was a friend of mine and their relatives funeral I would just text and say sorry I can't make it etc? But my parents do know they are collecting the dcs so perhaps it isn't needed after all. Thank you for kind replies.

OP posts:
ariamontgomery · 20/09/2019 07:08

I think YABU. I wouldn’t go to a funeral of someone I wasn’t very, very, VERY close to. I don’t find funerals helpful in the way that some people do and would avoid at all costs unless it was someone I knew really well. People have different opinions about funerals and what they’re comfortable with and your in laws obviously have a different opinion to you, and that’s fine. Not everyone is the same. If one of DHs parents died or GPs died, I would go but I wouldn’t expect my parents to as they aren’t close.

Frangible · 20/09/2019 07:15

In Ireland it would be unheard of for your PILs not to attend the funeral, given their relationship with your parents and grandfather, but presumably this is in England, Scotland or Wales, where it’s very different? Then again, in Ireland, your children would also be attending the funeral, so you wouldn’t need childcare.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.