To be annoyed with ILS and DH

[foxtong]

My grandfather died earlier this week and the funeral is one day next week at 2pm. We have dcs aged 6 and 9 and PIL have agreed to pick them up from after school club on the day of the funeral, which is open until 6. They have them said they will take dc out for tea. This is very helpful of them but I had also hoped that they would attend the actual funeral. They have known me and my parents for 20 years and met my grandad on very many family occasions and are good friends with my parents. It would be possible for them to go to the funeral at 2 and then still Pick dc up at 5 so that we can stay at he wake but they have said they will just go for dc as it is a lot of travelling round - it's just under one hour probably from funeral and dcs school, and another hour back to where they live. They are early 60s, retired and fit and well, and regularly (as in at least fortnightly) drive to the other side of the country to see BiL and family.

I know that if it was my dh's grandparents funeral then my parents would definitely attend- in fact my dad did go to dh's aunts funeral a few years ago. And my parents are older and still working, so it's not as if they have fewer demands on their time.

When I said to dh I was upset about it he got all defensive with me saying I was having a go at him, which I really hadn't. I said could he ask them to text my mum and explain why they won't make the service, and he seemed to think I should ask pils that. There have been times in the past when they have upset me and he hasn't backed me up or said anything and I feel this is another example.

I know they are doing us a favour getting the dcs and I do appreciate that, but I really can't see why they wouldn't come to the funeral too.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. But you are being so unreasonable about this. They're being super helpful by looking after your kids. You have your DH there for support and some people are just really not good with funerals. Leave them be.

It is different Frangible :) My brother's welsh ILs came to my dad's funeral which we (english) all found a little odd, bit's it's very normal in Wales. Obviously nobody made a deal out of it as funerals are open and anyone can come, and brother's ILs are lovely, but I don't think it's much of a thing in England at all!

That said, I'd be taking my kids to the funeral too so childcare wouldn't be an issue either.

YABU sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss but YABVU.

You're asking a lot of them already.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. People are very variable when it comes to funerals - some go to all of them, others avoid like the plague.

I found out after my mother's funeral that stepMIL was very upset to not have been 'invited'; my response to DH was that a) every other bugger turned up without an invitation so what makes her so special and b) I was quite glad she didn't as she can be an emotional drain at the nest of times and I had my hands full with my dad and dsis. It genuinely never occured to me that she would feel she had to wait till be invited, as clearly many people just show up. I guess the potential for hurt arises when there are different baseline assumptions on each side - you see attendance as indicative of regard, while they don't.

I think it's quite strange that you and dh arent taking your children to the funeral tbh. Esp when you want someone else to take them...

Sorry misread and see you dònt want them to take your DC there. Again am mystified as to why you want people less close to attend and DC not to attend.

So an hour from their house to funeral, an hour from funeral to your house and then an hour home?

You are being unreasonable.

Your in-laws are taking your children for you, to allow you to go to the funeral without them. I think it is very unreasonable to expect them to go to the funeral and take the children. If you want them to do both... You could do both.

I think you are obviously upset but projecting your expectations on to your mum. Your mum knows they are looking after your children to allow you to go to the funeral. Why then would she expect them to also go to the funeral? I can guarantee that your in-laws aren't even on your mam's radar.

You are being unreasonable, but you are grieving and not thinking clearly. In situations like this least said soonest mended.

I am Irish and we go to everyone's funerals!! Since living in the UK and elsewhere, I don't and there are times I have regretted it. Two in particular. People do have different attitudes to funerals and clearly you and your in-laws have very different opinions on this and I am afraid, you simply have to let it go.

I was going to ask if you are Irish but then would assume your children would be at the funeral too. Being English I think it is odd that they would be expected to go to the funeral.

They are looking after your DC, that is being their support.

When my DF died my FIL and his partner asked if they could come to the funeral, I asked them to look after DS (and DDog too!) instead. DF wouldn’t have wanted DS to be at the funeral as too young, and it was nice to know DS was being looked after by his other Grandad on a sad day.

some people are just really not good with funerals. Leave them be.

Well, no one thinks death is a barrel of laughs, but I have never in my entire life heard an Irish person say 'I'm not good with funerals' as an reason for not attending. They're a fact of life, surely?

I always wonder how people in Ireland get so much time off work to go to funerals as it seems the norm to go to any funeral where you have a connection to the deceased or to a relative/friend of the deceased no matter how tenuous the connection is.

@Frangible I've never heard and English person say "oh yes I'll go to my BILs ex-wife's uncles funeral" either. Everyone has different views and that's fine - we all have to be respectful of each other.
If OPs in laws don't want to attend the funeral, why should they?

Personally I find the idea of going to the funeral of someone I barely knew distasteful, in a grief-suckery sort of way. In many cultures my attitude would be considered as bizarre and abhorrent. Probably best not to judge too much about this one - certainly in England there's not one right way of deciding.

I always wonder how people in Ireland get so much time off work to go to funerals

Funerals in Ireland usually happen over 2 days. An evening, followed by burial next morning. So most people who would know the person, or know relatives of the person would go to one part of the funeral, either the evening or the morning.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. And if the living feel that going to a funeral would be detrimental to their mental health then that's fine that they don't go! Everyone mourns in different ways. My mum didn't want a funeral for my dad, she wanted instead to cremate him and then have a family picnic in his favourite spot where we could scatter his ashes. That was fine! You don't need to go cry in a church/crematorium to prove that you loved someone. You don't need to go to a funeral to have cared about the deceased. Leave them be.

OP you grandfather has passed away and that must be very hard for you and your family. This is a time to grieve and remember him, you definitely do not need this additional drama to this already difficult time. Let your ILs be, if they wanted to attend the funeral, they would have. Focus on your grandfather and on your own well being now, that's way more important. My condolences to your family

Condolences, OP but I'm afraid I think that how you are feeling right now is perhaps clouding your view.

I think it's a big ask of your PILs to travels all that way for half an hour then back to pick your children up then on to their home. That's three ours driving (an hour to funeral, hour to DC school, another hour back to their home). They are really helping you out and the only thing I think you should do is thank them for their help.

*hours

If OPs in laws don't want to attend the funeral, why should they?

I'm not suggesting they should they're offering needed childcare in a culture which tends not to have children at funerals only saying that one of the factors which influence a sense of whose funeral you feel you want to/should attend is cultural.

In mine, it would be inconceivable not to attend if at all possible the funeral of someone you've known for 20 years, and whose son or daughter is a good friend of yours, but the criteria in England are clearly completely different.

From what people say on here, it's perfectly possible it would never have occurred to your PILs to have attended the funeral, even if they weren't looking after your children, because it doesn't meet their criteria for 'a funeral we should/would like to attend.'

Yes, in Ireland, you would go to the removal, which is in the evening, if it was incompatible with your work day.

I think funerals are a very personal thing and I think you have to respect their decision on this. Also some people feel it is inappropriate to have loads of people there and they might actually feel they shouldn't be there.
My family all went to my mother in law's funeral but my in laws didn't come to my dad's. I hadn't even thought about it until now, didn't occur to me to think either way was right or wrong.

I think your ILs should attend the funeral, even if they don't want to.

Why do you think they should attend MumUndone?

I think YABU. ILs are doing something nice: they are looking after your DC so that you can concentrate on paying your respects to your DGF. Perhaps ILs don't feel that they know your DGF enough to attend. My parents will attend the funeral of people they hardly know, and I find it odd (they don't go to support another relative, they may know the deceased slightly and that's enough for them). Going backwards and forwards driving for around 2 hours may seem fine, but even if you're a fit 60s year old, it can be a bit much, especially when you're having to look after DC, too. Sorry for your loss.