To be annoyed with ILS and DH

[foxtong]

My grandfather died earlier this week and the funeral is one day next week at 2pm. We have dcs aged 6 and 9 and PIL have agreed to pick them up from after school club on the day of the funeral, which is open until 6. They have them said they will take dc out for tea. This is very helpful of them but I had also hoped that they would attend the actual funeral. They have known me and my parents for 20 years and met my grandad on very many family occasions and are good friends with my parents. It would be possible for them to go to the funeral at 2 and then still Pick dc up at 5 so that we can stay at he wake but they have said they will just go for dc as it is a lot of travelling round - it's just under one hour probably from funeral and dcs school, and another hour back to where they live. They are early 60s, retired and fit and well, and regularly (as in at least fortnightly) drive to the other side of the country to see BiL and family.

I know that if it was my dh's grandparents funeral then my parents would definitely attend- in fact my dad did go to dh's aunts funeral a few years ago. And my parents are older and still working, so it's not as if they have fewer demands on their time.

When I said to dh I was upset about it he got all defensive with me saying I was having a go at him, which I really hadn't. I said could he ask them to text my mum and explain why they won't make the service, and he seemed to think I should ask pils that. There have been times in the past when they have upset me and he hasn't backed me up or said anything and I feel this is another example.

I know they are doing us a favour getting the dcs and I do appreciate that, but I really can't see why they wouldn't come to the funeral too.

Yabu. I think it is nice they are collecting dc's for you and taking them out for tea. Everyone's different but hour drive to get them, supervise them and take them out to tea and then have an hour drive home, I consider quite a day if your over 60. They may find going to a funeral before hand just too much and may want to stay upbeat for dc's.

In Ireland it would be unheard of for your PILs not to attend the funeral

Not true. My parents and in-laws live 2 hours apart. Neither side of the family have ever attended a funeral on the other side (and my father loves a funeral ).

My in-laws are Dublin born and bred where attending funerals of anyone other than close family or a close personal friend isn't a thing. My husband is always amused by the amount of funerals my family attend. He didn't even return to Dublin for the funeral of a very close friend's father. If we lived in Dublin he would have gone to at least part of it. Because we don't, he didn't!

It's very much a rural Irish thing.

When you say you want the PIL to explain themselves to your parents, you make it sound like you think you can guilt or shame them in to going.
I'm sure you dont mean it that way, but it comes across as you saying "fine if they wont go, make them tell my folks why, that'll show em"

Id just thank them kindly for the help they are providing, and focus on saying goodbye to your GF

Condolences for your loss, OP 💐

However, YABU
Your PILs have nothing to apologise for, or to explain

Just thank them profusely for offering to look after your DC and leave it at that
Asking them to text why they won't attend sounds like an attempt to shame them, which is well out of order

In their position of knowing someone slightly, I'd send a condolence card, but certainly not attend the funeral of such a distant connection
I'm also in my early 60s, so it may be a generational attitude, or just considering it too much effort for no good reason

I agree with pp in finding it odd that you want your PILs to attend, but not your DC

Another example of PILs can’t do right for doing wrong.

It's very much a rural Irish thing.

Not in my experience. I grew up in a city (not Dublin), with one city parent and one country parent, and I can't say I noticed much difference in funeral-going attitudes between the urban and rural sides of the family.