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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being UR

81 replies

PupsAndKittens · 19/09/2019 02:16

Hi, I am caught in a really horrible situation. Basically I am meant to be going to Nottingham tomorrow with my friend who is moving to uni, however there plains have changed meaning that I will have to now miss college on Friday. My parents have said they will be extremely angry if I do this and I should not be going. I told my friend this and her mum have called me a selfish shit and, how I should be there for her and that I should sacrifice 1 day of college. she also said as that I am a adult and should not be controlled by them. My best friend has told me that she really wants me there, and TbH I won’t get another opportunity till Christmas so I eventually agreed. My parent are furious and told me that they would stop giving me my money.

My farther has just woken me up screaming in my face that I will be expelled if I go to Nottingham, but my best friend has said If I don’t go out freindship is ruind. Please help, I can’t win this situation someone is going to get hurt WWYD

OP posts:
AmIThough · 19/09/2019 08:07

@Tonnerre she lives in Essex and uni is in Nottingham.
Parents also control her finances and she doesn't drive so I imagine that would be a struggle.

Babysharkisanearworm · 19/09/2019 08:09

They changed the plans knowing it would have a knock on to your college. Your friend is being unreasonable. No....yes.....overnight.
This does not suit your commitments so it would be a no from me. Go to college as usual or try and persuade them to make it a day only. Your college attendance is just as important as her settling in, if not more.

Babysharkisanearworm · 19/09/2019 08:12

Oh and take control of your PIP!

Medievalist · 19/09/2019 08:13

he fact that your friend is so willing to end the friendship if you don’t sacrifice to bend to her will is concerning.

I think people are maybe getting the wrong end of the stick here. Sounds to me like op was pushing to go, they kept saying no, relented last week and then op said she couldn't make the day they wanted to go, so asked them to change.

myself2020 · 19/09/2019 08:17

Your friend and her mum are being quite mean - you missing a day of college is really not good
you dad was out of line, but given your „i kept changing colleges and courses“ post, i wonder if he is panicking that you are not getting and are going to drop out (still not on to scream at you, but people do uncalled for things if they panick)

Cheeserton · 19/09/2019 08:21

Sounds like you need the education, so go to college. Ignore friend's tantrums.

DriftingLeaves · 19/09/2019 08:25

Your friend and her mother are being totally U.

Troels · 19/09/2019 08:26

It's time to concentrate on yourself and your future.
Leave your friend and her mum to it.
Go to college, take control of your own money and have the college help you to find another way of living, shared house/student let/ studio on your own.
Your father is bang out of line waking you to have a go at 2 in the morning. It sounds like they are at their wits end.
Have you been putting others before your own education? making dodgy choices?, not planning for your own future?
Something else is going on here with your own family.

TheTeenageYears · 19/09/2019 08:26

So your “friend” (I use them term very lightly) wants you to miss a day of college at the expense of your education while furthering her own. She is not a friend and her DM needs to step up. Going along to provide emotional support for an”friends’ mum on the journey home from dropping her DD at uni is absolutely absurd.

I don’t think your DF has acted appropriately but there could well be more to his behaviour if being at college age 20 having moved around courses is not as a result of genuine reasons like sickness and more out of a lack of commitment/flakey behaviour or attendance.

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 19/09/2019 08:27

Your college education comes first.

Why does your friends education come before your own?

Your friend's mother should not be calling you names like that, your father should not be shouting at you. I would ask myself one question who does your friend really care about you or herself?

Her needs do not come before yours op. I wonder if your parents are annoyed because your friend is taking advantage, and it is probably not the first time.

Text her you to say you can't make it, and turn your phone off.

Karwomannghia · 19/09/2019 08:30

Don’t go to Nottingham and tell your parents what they called you. Get away from what will never be a good friendship which you have the chance.

QuiteForgetful · 19/09/2019 08:34

PS. I don't agree with the agressiveness from your parents, just the school first part.
Wrong to scream in your face, I am sorry you were shocked and frightened like that. I guess your parents are desperate and lost it, but in the end they want to guide you to be the best you can be.
I don't think I would want to spend any more time with that so called friend, they really are not a real friend.

LondonJax · 19/09/2019 08:53

I don't agree with your parents 'screaming' at you but I'd be the same (in the advice) if my DS decided to miss a day of HIS education to help a friend settle in.

As for your friend's mother saying you're an adult and should take control, that's rich considering she and her child want to control you!

Plus her child isn't much of an adult if she needs a friend there to hold her hand! Goodness me, needing a friend to go to freshers week, needing help to move in. I'm assuming she's 18 plus? My niece moved 200 miles away to go do a performing arts school at 17 years old. She sent her mum home halfway through the day as she wanted to get to know the place on her own. But she's mature enough - your friend obviously isn't.

Her mother is right though - you are an adult. You need to make the decision. But remember a few things...friends don't 'demand' and they accept that if they change plans they have to live with the consequences, your own education is just as important as your friends, you're the one who lives with the outcome (go with the friend or do the college day). Which is more important? Would you friend give up a day at university for you?

Your decision but I'm with your parents on this (just not the way they're handling it).

PirateWeasel · 19/09/2019 08:55

Go to college, get some good qualifications, and get independent and far far away from all these egotistical and totally bonkers people.

MrKlaw · 19/09/2019 08:58

Go to college.

Friend and mum didn't even want you to go originally. No idea why they're changing their mind but its completely out of order to change your mind and be angry that you don't accept the 180 turn they've done. They don't get to pick and choose while you just sit around waiting like a little puppy - you have your own life and needs.

Your dad is a dick but he's right. Thats something you need to look at if you can later on - get control of your finances, get some more independence.

Longlongsummer · 19/09/2019 09:00

Your parents and her mum totally over the top and really aggressive!

What’s the drama? It’s one day of college. It’s your decision. You don’t have to go. It’s okay to go.

What do these people do when there is a real crisis?!

LondonJax · 19/09/2019 09:03

And I missed this bit about being an emotional support for the mum on the way home.

Seriously!? Well I hope her 20 year old daughter has more emotional strength because if not you won't have to worry about going up at Christmas - she won't last a month at university is she's like her mum. Good grief - it's a few hundred miles away, not the other side of the world and trains do go north of Watford.

I also realised I missed the bit about you switching courses and colleges. I think that's why your parents are so frustrated. If you're switching all the time and now you want to skip a day it doesn't show much maturity to be honest. A lot of people switch once but I don't know many that have done more than that without actually giving up college and getting a job. Are you settled now or do you still have doubt about the college/course? Is that a bone of contention? If so you need a real discussion with your parents.

ImNotYourGranny · 19/09/2019 09:03

If they genuinely need your help then they can move up on Saturday so that you don't have to miss college. Or do they think it's fine for you to miss a day of education but it's not ok for her to miss a day of socialising?

PurpleDaisies · 19/09/2019 09:06

Your friend is unfair to ask you, especially if her mum is taking her.

Your parents shouldn’t be screaming at you. You should be going to college.

Moomin8 · 19/09/2019 09:08

Sorry but I think you need new friends. Your 'friend' and her mum are not friends. They don't care about your well being. Why the hell should you miss important parts of your education just so she can use you as an emotional crutch?

In the words of the Scots tell em to get ta fuck! And don't let them make you feel guilty.

timshelthechoice · 19/09/2019 09:20

Your 'friend' is no friend at all, her mother is a diabolical bitch. These are no 'friends' but entitled twats. YOU and college come first before any 'friend'.

I'd be heartily sick of paying for my 20-year-old to wishy washy round with college and then skive out to be the servant and punching bag of two CFers arses so I'd also consider cutting your off for skiving out to help them.

You're their dogsbody. 'Emotional support' FFS! She needs a kick up the arse, not 'emotional support'.

You're a fool to hang round this emotionally manipulative cow with her blackmail 'if you don't do what I want I'm gonna tantrum and throw my teddies out my pram and cut you off!'

Your only answer to twats like this should be 'Off with ye tae fuck then' as we say in Scotland.

Katex888 · 19/09/2019 09:24

She is not a baby, she can go university herself and unpack all her own crap. If she’s ready to go university she’s ready to be a big girl now. Her mum sounds even worse, ask yourself would this friend do the same for you?

Louloulovesyou · 19/09/2019 10:07

Wow! Are you OK? I hope people don't regularly spend their time shouting at you. How mean of them all. People are right you should go to college. It sounds like the mum and daughter are incredibly selfish! And as for your dad.... that must make you feel very unprotected. You need to speak to citizens advice about getting control of your PIP there is no way at 20 anyone else should have control. I hope you have others in your life that make you feel loved and safe.

greathat · 19/09/2019 10:17

Your friend is not your friend. Friends dont treat people like that. Wish them well and find better friends

timshelthechoice · 19/09/2019 11:04

Okay, you are PIP, that means you are disabled. I'm going to be straight with you, these 'friends' are preying on you and that's all there is to it. They are taking advantage of you and using you.