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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being UR

81 replies

PupsAndKittens · 19/09/2019 02:16

Hi, I am caught in a really horrible situation. Basically I am meant to be going to Nottingham tomorrow with my friend who is moving to uni, however there plains have changed meaning that I will have to now miss college on Friday. My parents have said they will be extremely angry if I do this and I should not be going. I told my friend this and her mum have called me a selfish shit and, how I should be there for her and that I should sacrifice 1 day of college. she also said as that I am a adult and should not be controlled by them. My best friend has told me that she really wants me there, and TbH I won’t get another opportunity till Christmas so I eventually agreed. My parent are furious and told me that they would stop giving me my money.

My farther has just woken me up screaming in my face that I will be expelled if I go to Nottingham, but my best friend has said If I don’t go out freindship is ruind. Please help, I can’t win this situation someone is going to get hurt WWYD

OP posts:

ArchMemory · 19/09/2019 06:07

I agree with everyone else.

Your dad and your friend’s mum both sound awful. Jury’s out on your friend but she certainly doesn’t need you to help her unpack, especially as she will also have her mum there.

Objectively it’s in your best interests to go to college - your education is important and it sounds like right now it’s mo important to keep your dad on your side than this friend and her mum.

Then you need to start to think about wha you can do to manage your own parents because shouting in your face in the night is no way to treat you.

Good luck. You’re worth more than the way you’re being treated.

ittooshallpass · 19/09/2019 06:10

Go to college OP. You would actually be doing your ‘friend’ a disservice by going to uni with her on her first day/night. She needs to be on her own to start meeting and making friends with her fellow students. I don’t know anyone who has overnight guests on the first night at uni.

PennysPocket · 19/09/2019 06:21

Your father woke you up and screamed at you!!!

I think you should spend Friday talking to the college about support they can give you to move away from home!

Your friend going to uni is not the most important thing here and you need to tell her that her instance you go with her has led to your father being aggressive towards you so you have your own issue to deal with.
None of these people are treating you well OP and they do not care what is best for you.

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 19/09/2019 06:30

Everyone in this situation is being a dick to you - I'm so sorry.

It really shouldn't be a problem to miss one day of college and it's true that you are an adult and should be able to decide for yourself, but it sounds like you're living with and financially dependent on your parents. They therefore have the power to make your life very difficult if you defy them. For that reason, to protect yourself, I think you shouldn't go.

Explain to your friend the way your parents are behaving. If she is horrible to you about it, she's not a true friend and this is a good opportunity to let the friendship drift. Block all communications to her mother - you don't owe her any explanation and after the way she spoke to you, she doesn't deserve your respect or politeness.

In general, do you find your parents very strict and controlling? Their reaction doesn't sound fair or normal. If they are often like this then I hope you have the option to move out and live independently soon

user1493413286 · 19/09/2019 06:37

Your parents are being over the top but your friend and her mum are being ridiculous. It also will do your friend good to be on her own. I wouldn’t be too worried about a friendship with someone who makes unreasonable demands

QuiteForgetful · 19/09/2019 06:39

Your school is important to your future, save missing days for actual illness or emergencies.

Your friends mother is very immature, and sounds rude and in considerate. Sounds almost like a bully, saying those uncalled for things to you.
Your parents have your best interest in mind, and as you see, everybody is agreeing you need to put school first.

ForTheTimeBeing · 19/09/2019 06:46

Your friend and her mother are horrible people, ditch them! Your parents are right, going to college comes first in this situation.
However, shouting in your face is wrong. Can you ask for a referral to a college counsellor to talk things through?

swingofthings · 19/09/2019 06:49

The way you describe it, as off a few weeks ago, they told you you couldn't come. Fine, they changed their mind twice, you've changed it once. Changing one's mind is not just one direction, especially when you have a good reason for it, they didn't seem to.

Stand for yourself and say no. It sounds like they only want you to come for the mum to use you rather than your friend really wanting you there. You'll help unpack (do they really need three people) and more importantly, you'll keep company to the mum on the travel back. Nothing for you to gain. Missing college though without a good reason is not on.

I get where your parents are coming from and they are right.

MK1975 · 19/09/2019 07:00

You are in a rough place. Think rationally, which choice is good for you.. is it attending or missing college

Your dad may be over reacting but his 'suggestion' is in your interest and not his.

To test the other choice ask your friend if she would miss college too for some help you may need. My guess she would say no and her mom would call you SS again.

It's really a small risk choice I.e both ways is not bad but IMHO you need to probably draw a line for your friend and her mom

Medievalist · 19/09/2019 07:02

It's not normal for your parents to try to control you by screaming at you or withholding money.

Your friend does not need your help to unpack! Her mum does not need your emotional support and is extremely nasty for describing you in such awful terms.

Freshers is for, well freshers! The whole point is for new starters to get to know each other. She'll probably find that the people in her flat go out as a group and you would be a gooseberry. But presumably freshers won't be until next week. How long were you planning to stay? You really wouldn't be doing your friend any favours. She needs to get on with making new friends and having you there will hold her back. In simple terms, if you've started at uni and don't know anyone you're more likely to approach someone who looks like they're in the same position rather than someone who has a friend with them.

There's no excuse for such nastiness from your friend's mother but would her version of events perhaps be that you asked if you could go, they - or she - didn't want you to, you pushed and pushed, they finally relented, and then you started saying they needed to travel on a day convenient to you? She might indeed find that irritating.

As pps have said, go to college and focus on getting out of your toxic home environment. You can always go and visit in a few weeks.

AmIThough · 19/09/2019 07:06

Your friend and her mother are being ridiculous.
They pick and choose when they want you around to be their skivvy.
You shouldn't give up a day of education to lug her boxes around.
Let her go alone.

You need to also have a conversation with your parents. Do YOU think you could manage your PIP appropriately?

ariamontgomery · 19/09/2019 07:06

Is this real? Your friend, her mum, and your parents are ALL being unreasonable and sound vile.

RedSheep73 · 19/09/2019 07:10

Don't go. People don't need their old friends with them when they go off to uni, that's not how it works. And if she's giving you ultimatums she's not much of a friend anyway and will probably drop you as soon as she makes new friends at uni. You concentrate on your education.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 19/09/2019 07:13

It’s her mums job to support her going off to uni not yours. I understand she wants you to go and I’m sure you’d have liked to, but your friend should understand if you can’t.

Also your parents are being horrid. I can see they don’t want you to miss college unnecessarily, but to wake you up screaming in your face about it! You’re very unlikely to be expelled, unless your attendance up until now has been awful.

I feel for you. You stuck between two sets of very unreasonable people.

Tilltheendoftheline · 19/09/2019 07:14

Everyone is unreasonable and everyone e is a bit right.

You parents cant control your life. It's your payments. I would speak to your college about what's going on and get help to get the money in your name and move out if possible. The friend and her mother are right about that.

Your parents are also right in that your education comes first.

But they are all being horrible in their actions and words. Your friend isnt a friend. And you need to probably get away from your parents too.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 19/09/2019 07:24

Forget what your friend and her Mum wants, forget what your parents want. Sit down quietly and think about what you want. This is your life, trying to please everyone else all the time will tie you in knots. Think what is best for you then quietly tell everyone your decision and stick to it.

NearlyGranny · 19/09/2019 07:37

Everyone here is being unreasonable except you. And even you are being unrealistic trying to keep too many people happy.

People are pushing you around and expecting you to knuckle under. I think it's time to gather yourself and take back control of your time and your income.

Also it seems to be time you left home!

Good luck.

CalmdownJanet · 19/09/2019 07:39

This made me laugh You are an adult and shouldn't be controlled by your parents, your answer to that should have been "Well if I'm not being controlled by my own parents I sure as shit aren't going to be controlled by my friends parents even if she does " need emotional support"

imnotinthemood · 19/09/2019 07:46

I think they are all bring out of order .
If my dd wanted to miss college I wouldn't be happy but I would leave that decision up to her and I certainly wouldn't scream in her face . Your friend and her mother are in the wrong , she will be the only one bringing a friend . Everyone will be on their own she will make friends. You can visit at the weekend or when she's settled. I think it's disgusting they are calling you selfish for not doing what they want . Go to college if she decides not to be your friend then she's not a friend. I think she will drop you anyway when she makes friends so don't ruin college for her .

Tonnerre · 19/09/2019 07:51

The whole point was I would help my friend unpack, as well as being Emotional support for the mum on the way home (I was happy to do this). My friend also want me to come to freshers with her

WTF? She's nearly 20 and she can't unpack and go to freshers by herself? Thousands of students manage that every year - why is she so helpless? You will be totally superfluous at a freshers' do and will feel really awkward constantly saying you can't join societies/go to events as you're not a student there. Your friend will also be hampered in making new friends if you're trailing around after her.

As for emotional support, when I dropped DD off at university I had to stop for a cry, and the last thing I would have wanted would have been another teenager to witness me in a wet mess.

Tonnerre · 19/09/2019 07:53

How far away is the university? Would one answer be to go with your friend but travel back on your own on Thursday?

Ijustwanttoretire · 19/09/2019 07:57

she also said as that I am a adult and should not be controlled by them

But you should be controlled by her? Forget it - as PP have said you will be dropped anyway when she makes new friends....

JonSlow · 19/09/2019 08:01

Is this friendship one that brings you joy?

The fact that your friend is so willing to end the friendship if you don’t sacrifice to bend to her will is concerning.

Is this really a two way friendship? Are you getting out as much as you are putting in?

Say no, go to college.

LucyAutumn · 19/09/2019 08:05

Your parents are being a bit extreme but your friend is being completely unfair,.

TresDesolee · 19/09/2019 08:06

OP, please speak to student support at college. There will probably be support and counselling services you can use. They’re very used to these situations and it really sounds as though you could do with talking things through with someone sympathetic - not just this situation but your home life and your relationship with your parents.

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