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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage boys, automatically up to no good

81 replies

gabsdot · 18/09/2019 19:32

My neighbour went into hospital on Monday do myself and my kids have been taking care of her dog. We've been going in several times a day to feed him and play with him and we've been taking him out for walks
This afternoon my 15 year old son went over with 4 friends to play with the dog. He let himself in and they all went inside for about 10 minutes.
When they came out a man from the house across the road started giving out and told them that if he saw them again he'd call the police.
I went round to have a word with him and explain that they had my permission and he said it didn't look good for the area to have teens going in and out of houses. I got the sense that the fact that 3 of them are black didn't help.
I keep thinking of what I should have said to him. I was way too nice to him.
So when you see a group of teenage boys do you assume they're up to no good.

OP posts:

LaBelleSauvage · 19/09/2019 04:38

I agree with PP wondering why you let your son bring friends to a neighbour's house. If your neighbour knew these boys and gave prior consent then no problem, but if she didn't, letting 4 boys into her house is completely unacceptable.

You need to clarify this OP

If a neighbour of mine arrived at my door to find 5 people there while the house was supposedly empty I would expect them to be suspicious and question too.

Jesaminecollins · 19/09/2019 04:48

Unfortunately teenage boys do have a bad reputation. When my son was 17 his passed his driving test so I got him a new care for his 18th birthday. He took his friend out on a day trip to Stonehenge and the police pulled him over to ask if he owned the car. When they looked it up on the data base they saw it was in my name so they asked him if I had given him permission to drive my car. A couple of years later he got pulled over again by the police who accused him of swerving his car and even though he told them he didn't drink they made him take a breath test.

It is a sad fact of life that teenage boys will get accused of stuff and it doesn't matter what color their skin is.

PapayaCoconut · 19/09/2019 04:58

While I agree with your sentiment and the unfair treatment of black teens, you were stupid to put them in that situation, Apart from the fact that if something goes missing they'll be instant suspects, you've also breached your neighbor's trust. I'd be really angry with you if I were them.

PapayaCoconut · 19/09/2019 05:00

even though he told them he didn't drink they made him take a breath test

Police aren't going to take people's word for the fact they don't drink, though. Of course they aren't!

shearwater · 19/09/2019 05:16

He shouldn't really have let his friends into the house- of any age, it doesn't feel right to have a group of people traipsing in and out of someone's house without permission whatever age they were when he is looking after someone's pet.

I'm not denying racism is prevalent, but the neighbour may have acted out of good intention, and may have reported any group of unknown people going into a neighbour's house.

Teenage boys have a bad reputation because of the age and sex of people who commit most crimes - young men. And men generally, when you look at the prison population.

I'm sorry that the good ones are affected adversely, but the fact remains that men are more of a problem to society than women.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 19/09/2019 05:32

I don't think teenage boys are automatically up to no good but the ones round here are the ones who cause the mischief!

Low level stuff like knock and run or stealing all the Halloween sweets is into slightly more, now it's throwing little kids scooters and bikes into the stream, one had a fishing knife and was brandishing that around, calling little kids c*nts. It's not pleasant and when they're in a big group it's worse as they egg each other on.

PhilCornwall1 · 19/09/2019 05:38

I think if I was your neighbour and I found out you had let your son and his friends into my house, I'd be telling you in no uncertain terms it wasn't on and you wouldn't be asked again.

She could (and I say could) turn around and say that something is missing and that puts you in an awkward situation.

Pretty sure she is going to find out from the other neighbour this has happened.

thewayoftheplatypus · 19/09/2019 05:42

I agree with PPs that unless the neighbour had said your DS could take his friends to see the dog it was in appropriate to let them. But also agree that your neighbours reaction to a group of boys was unacceptable too.

I do understand why people find (some) groups of Male teens intimidating though- although I think female groups are just as bad. My son’s primary school is next to a secondary school- they kick out at the same time. The amount of aggression, awful language, pushing/shoving and unkind behaviour we see amongst what appears to be friendship groups is insane. And saying fuck and cunt (loudly) in front of 5/6 year olds. I’m sure it’s just a lack of awareness of the kids around them, but on face value it does appear agressive and intimidating

barryfromclareisfit · 19/09/2019 05:45

Shocked that you think it is ok to send four teenagers, unsupervised, into someone else’s house.

FredaFrogspawn · 19/09/2019 05:52

I always make a point of asking groups of young people for directions if I need them. Or saying a cheery good morning/afternoon. I think the majority of them want to be seen as useful and needed, as they may well have been 50+ years ago when so many were at work, or supported their parents and neighbours by running errands etc. We have rendered the teen a largely useless age group, and alienated them. They need see themselves to be valued and valid to the wider community. No wonder they kick back.

easyandy101 · 19/09/2019 09:50

Thread its it's a good example of people treating a group of teen boys with distrust tbh

Good point, well illustrated

LemonPrism · 19/09/2019 09:53

I mean it was weird to let teens who are strangers to her in her house.

I see the other thing from two sides - when they're not breaking in of course he seems a racist busy body - but what if they had been and he hadn't confronted the people robbing his sick neighbours house?

He couldn't really win.

Ohflippineck · 19/09/2019 11:18

FredaFrogspawn

“I always make a point of asking groups of young people for directions if I need them. Or saying a cheery good morning/afternoon. I think the majority of them want to be seen as useful and needed, as they may well have been 50+ years ago when so many were at work, or supported their parents and neighbours by running errands etc. We have rendered the teen a largely useless age group, and alienated them. They need see themselves to be valued and valid to the wider community. No wonder they kick back.”

Completely agree. Walk our dog through the local park, full of teenagers hanging about. Too young for clubs/pubs, not particularly well off area, though pleasant enough, but money for cinema etc. a bit thin on the ground and just one YMCA drop in, once a week, which they use.
It saddens me to see, elderly, mostly ladies, either throwing daggers at them seemingly just for having the audacity to be out in public at all or grasping their dogs to them and scuttling off looking frightened in the opposite direction. Some elderly men stare them out in what to me seems a very aggressive and challenging way. Why? What on earth do they think they’re going to do? It’s a small town, these are the children and grandchildren of their friends and neighbours.
I’m often out after dark. I say hello and nod. Now, I get an hello first, sometimes a wave. Sometimes a fuss for the dog. My son is 16, a lovely young man (which I would say, of course 😁). His peer group are nice young people. They don’t hang about in the park at night (sometimes wish they would when I have to restock the fridge) but they wouldn’t harm anyone/anything if they did.
All of that said, I wouldn't let anyone, of any age or sex, go into a neighbour’s house without express permission. Just bad manners.

FishCanFly · 19/09/2019 11:24

A neighbour is in hospital and an bunch of strange teenagers are letting themselves in and out of his house? I'd also consider calling the police.
And in your neighbour's place i wouldn't be very amused.

HollowTalk · 19/09/2019 11:27

I doubt your neighbour would've been happy about five lads going into his house. Or five girls. Or five men or five women. There was no need for that.

Would you have taken four of your friends round there when he wasn't in?

OccidentalPurist · 19/09/2019 11:31

Your neighbour gave you and your family permission to enter his house, not a group of teenage friends. YABVU!

Rubyupbeat · 19/09/2019 11:43

Nope, never. Having had 2 myself and having their friends in and out of the house, I know they were all good boys, but probably to others they would look suspicious.
I worked with teens until recently, who were all very 'street' dress and lingo wise, but all good hearted, never embarrassed to talk to me when with groups of friends, doing shopping for their mums. Trousers hanging under their bums, hoodies up. But this is their fashion, it doesn't define them.

AcrobaticCardigan · 19/09/2019 11:44

If I were in hospital and a neighbours son took his mates into my house with the key I’d entrusted I’d be livid. He should have brought the dog to your house or took it out if his mates were that keen to see it.

AcrobaticCardigan · 19/09/2019 11:45

I genuinely can’t believe you think it was an acceptable thing to do.

nokidshere · 19/09/2019 12:00

I think teenagers in general have a bad press. I have two teenage boys and they are lovely, as are all their friends, but sadly, as always, a minority spoil it for the majority.

he got pulled over again by the police who accused him of swerving his car and even though he told them he didn't drink they made him take a breath test. I've been pulled over more than once as part of 'spot checks'. I'm a 50+ yr old female and rarely drink. When I was asked (in dec) when I last had a drink and my reply was 'in May' he definitely didn't believe me.

But I tell my two, you are a teenager, and a boy, and driving late at night, you are far more likely to be pulled over than anyone else even if you can't see a reason for it.

sweepysue · 19/09/2019 12:07

That is so disrespectful allowing your son to have his mates round your neighbours house. No wonder the man across the road was angry.

LaBelleSauvage · 19/09/2019 12:37

OP can you please let us know if your neighbour had given you advance permission to let the group of teens into their house?

We can't reasonably jusge if you are BU until you do this.

dayslikethese1 · 19/09/2019 13:03

I agree for the most part OP, my local neighborhood group is full of posts from people going on about 'youths' hanging around (always boys) and tbh 9 times out of 10 they're just hanging out with their friends because they can't go to the pub etc. From what I witness in the city centre at the wknds, I think it's the 40-somethings who cause most of the trouble I feel quite sorry for teenagers in general.

saoirse31 · 19/09/2019 13:07

Totally out of order for your son letting his friends into her house. Cant believe you didnt instantly see that.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2019 13:15

It doesn't look as if OP's coming back - maybe the general thrust of the replies isn't to her taste?

I do wonder, though, what the point was in even mentioning that a couple of the lads were black. As you'd expect of normal people, PPs have said they couldn't care less what sex, age or anything else the visitors were - it's the very fact they were strangers which is potentially the issue

And I agree that they've been left vulnerable, should anything be missed when the neighbour returns home - unfortunate, that

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