Teenage boys, automatically up to no good

[gabsdot]

My neighbour went into hospital on Monday do myself and my kids have been taking care of her dog. We've been going in several times a day to feed him and play with him and we've been taking him out for walks
This afternoon my 15 year old son went over with 4 friends to play with the dog. He let himself in and they all went inside for about 10 minutes.
When they came out a man from the house across the road started giving out and told them that if he saw them again he'd call the police.
I went round to have a word with him and explain that they had my permission and he said it didn't look good for the area to have teens going in and out of houses. I got the sense that the fact that 3 of them are black didn't help.
I keep thinking of what I should have said to him. I was way too nice to him.
So when you see a group of teenage boys do you assume they're up to no good.

yABU to let other kids into the house. Not acceptable

Automatically assume if all teens are bad is off.

You were actually quite cheeky to tell your other neighbour that you had given the boys “permission”. It really wasn’t up to you to let the neighbourhood teens have the run of someone else’s house
Fair play to him for questioning it, really.
I hope he tells her.

Because of a sport they play I am often out and about chauffering teen boys.
3 in total, 2 black and 1 white.

I see with my own eyes the way the 2 black lads are treated differently in various situations and my heart breaks a little bit each time it happens.

When it's appropriate I'll say something but the boys themselves really dont want me to, which is why I only say something if I can, away from them, and as we are leaving.

In general YANBU as teen boys do get bad press, but being a non white teen boy is even worse ime.

My 15 year old and his friends usually are up to no good so I am very suspicious!

There was no need, and no way u would ever agree to have the teens all in your neighbours house.
No need to call your neighbour a racist, as I doubt very much this made any difference. He was worried about his neighbour, good on him for making it clear.
Go over and say you agree it did not look great, and that they are lovely kids but going forward it will just be and your son feeding the dog. Do the right thing op, he I being a good neighbour and may help you one day too.

Sorry for typos!

The friends (I refuse to call them a GANG🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄) were black and thats most likely all your neighbour saw to put him on edge. But yes they could have waited outside whilst your DS got the dog out...although your neighbour most likely would have complained about that too so idk.

I don't think teenage boys are always up to no good but I also would not be happy if I knew the person I'd asked to look after my animals was going to let a group of teenagers the keys to my house if not have asked them to look after my animals in the first place.

It wouldn't matter if they are boys or girls, I don't know them and would rather they not be given unsupervised access to my house.

I often look after my mils dog when she's away and while dd would go play with it there's no way I'd let four of her mates go play with the dog too. They're all good kids and I don't think any would steal or rummage but lie teenagers do, they mess about and knock shit over. I'd feel awful if my dds friends broke something by being a bit daft and I know mil would be angry at me giving them permission to be there.

BlueWonder's post bears repeating:

I know someone who went with a group of 14-15 year olds on geography fieldwork. A boys group and a girls group in different streets but the same area/same activity -, measuring pavement widths. The girls group was given drinks of lemonade on a tray by a kindly resident. The boys group was reported to the police by neighbourhood watch.

Due to various health problems both my sons missed a lot of school. If I hadn't made a big effort they might have lost a lot of friends. So at weekends my house, which is in the middle of town, became boy central. During those early/mid teen years I often had as many as 8 boys sleeping over including my two The rules were simple but firm.

And they were lovely boys, now lovely young men. I still know them all. The few who didn't fit (drugs mostly) were excluded by the boys themselves because they couldn't keep my rules. A couple sorted themselves out, possibly partly as a result. One of them credits us.

Boys are much more open about their feelings than in my teens and I have been touched by the support they give each other. The ones I got to know were thoughtful and responsible. They could also be daft. But they were never criminal or nasty.

And yes, they told me how hurtful it could be when adults treated them as potential thugs - crossing the street or gazing at them with hostile or suspicious eyes. I did explain that women and girls had reason to fear groups of boys but as they pointed out that doesn't explain people looking at them like that in the middle of a crowded shopping street.

If I was the non I wouldn't care if it was 5 grannies, they weren't given the key, you were.

I don't generally think jegatively of groups of teens so long as they aren't being rude or threatening. But I would be very concerned if I knew my elderly neighbour was in hosputal and a bunch of teens were in her house unsupervised. What right did you have to allow him to go there with friends... especually without you? Now if anything does turn out to be missing you eill uave to admit you let a bunch of teens in who could have been rummaging through her stuff. I can't velieve anyone would be fine with having unknown people in their home when they aren't there.

Where I live groups of teens can mean scariness though. There is a gang on the corner that punched my 65 year old neighbour in the face as a bet a few weeks ago. They are assholes. It isn't a very safe area though. My own teens and their friends stay on our porch to hang out or go to a park in a safer area.

We can keep pretending that boys and girls are the same but they aren't. The vast majority of crimes are committed by men. When a group of boys are together there is often a lot of silliness, macho posturing and egging eachother on. Girls can do this too but it's usually less extreme.

When I was a teen I had a summer job at a local farm, along with half the kids from all the surrounding villages. I remember the farmer saying that if he had 1 boy working for him he'd get a day's work you'd expect from 1 boy. If he put 2 boys working together he'd get a day's work you'd expect from 1 boy. If he put 3 boys together
he'd get a day's work you'd expect from 1 boy. There's some truth in that IME.

@20:09willstarttomorrow I dont think what you are saying applies as most people have said they wouldn't want a group of strangers in house. I wouldn't want girls or the OPs friends in either.

I cannot believe how many posters are critical of OP for allowing her son and friends to help out. I am guessing the fact that the nieghbour trusts OP with her key and to care for the dog is a good indication that she is reliable and can judge the situation. And how lovely her teenage son and his mates are stepping up and doing something kind. The neighbour may be well aware and know them all anyway. The same teenage friends who have probably hung out at OP's house many times that she knows they can be great kids (in the way thay our own teenagers become totally respectful and responsible in company, the attitude is reserved for close family). I wonder how many people have such a good relationship with their neighbours that they would even realise they were in hospital, let alone take time out of their busy lives to help.

It must be awful to be treated like public enemy number one just because of puberty!
However, the scary and aggressive teenage boys who shout, swear and vandalise whatever they can are ruining it for the average kid who just wants to hang out with his friends and maybe play with a dog or kick a ball around.
I have no ideas about how to tackle this, but it is a shame all round.

I teach teenagers and generally think they are awesome, particularly in 1-to-1 conversations. But in unsupervised groups they often do egg each other on to get up to mischief - usually because they simply don't think through consequences. With that in mind, I really would think it unwise to give 5 teenagers a key to a neighbour's house. And if I were another neighbour and saw it I'd be a little worried (mostly in case something got broken due to thoughtless behaviour). I can't imagine threatening to phone the police though, so you probably aren't wrong in thinking the fact they are boys and 3 of them are black had something to do with the neighbour's response.

willstarttomorrow the right thing to do would have been to take the dog out. Not allow them to sit in the neighbours house.

If I were one of those boys, I’d not have gone in for fear of being accused of taking something later on. And now the other neighbour is witness to it as well, if the ill neighbour misplaces something, she now has 4 boys who she didn’t know, who were in her house, to blame it on.

Seriously, willstart, it didn’t need a big gang to look after the dog, however kindly meant. If they’d taken turns walking it, you may have a point, but they didn’t, did they?
They just all barrelled into the neighbours house for very little reason. Presumably because they could.

@gabsdot

How are we meant to vote?

If I think groups of boys are NOT up to no good, do I click YABU or YANBU?

I have girls but one of my friends has a boy...my DD is 15 and so is my friends boy. They hang out together in a bit of a group with others.

One day I went to our local general store (we're in Oz) and she was not far off closing. The owner was serving me and saw a group of teenage boys coming towards the shop..I recognised my mate's son and my DD was there too.

She immediately ran to the door and locked it!

She'd seen them coming...and thought "Trouble!"

They're 15 and tall so probably look scary to someone who doesn't know them but I know them! There's nothing wrong with them!

I was quite offended...it's likely she didn't notice my DD in the gang as she's short and wasn't the stand out of the group due to that...but I was surprised that someone would be so nervous of some kids.

We don't live in a rough area at all...

It is irritating when OPs don't phrase the question in a way that makes the voting make sense.

Having been one, YABU. Teenage boys are always up to no good.

Having had teenage boys teenage girls and many extra teens around my house and on trips at events etc I have to say it's hard for teens to navigate the world anyway without the added assumption that they're always up to no good. It's also true to say that in a group and unsupervised they may behave differently and at times make less sensible decisions (didnt we all) but that's not to say that this necessarily follows on to getting up to no good.i think teens have to be judged as individuals on their own merits and behaviours rather than a collective sub species.
That said I wouldn't want strangers, male, female, teens, adults in my home without my knowledge unless there was an emergency situation that required them to be there. I would be very upset that I had trusted someone who had then allowed strangers into my home without checking with me first

There is bias against teenage boys, particularly if they’re in a group and even more so against teenage boys who are BME. Having said that, I wouldn’t be happy with a neighbour letting 5 teenagers into my home unsupervised regardless of their race, gender, religion or dietary preferences. Or 5 OAPs. You were entrusted with a key, that obviously extends to your DS but it doesn’t extend to his mate’s brother, your best friend or your Aunt Wendy.

OP you were stupid - you know the boys are black so of course they would be treated with more suspicion than white teenagers, who would be treated with suspicion any way.

You are lucky the police are slow to come out as you risked then being stopped and searched simply because you gave them permission to go into an absent neighbour's house.

Next time think of how your actions impact young people you are the responsible adult for.