To ask for top tips on raising a child to sleep well?

[SmoothLawAbider]

We have a just-turned-3-year-old who was truly an awful sleeper until about 6 months ago. Woke 5+ times a night, breastfed to sleep until age 2, etc. etc. neither me nor DH slept a full night for 2.5 years. I blame a lot on ourselves, we were parents of a PFB and hated seeing her cry at any time.

When I got pregnant again we vowed to do things better this time, to put him down awake so he could learn to fall asleep by himself, to nightwean quite early, to not rush in the second he makes a sound. To make our lives easier in the long run. But now he's nearly a month old and it's hard to distinguish when/how you should do these things vs. when you should just do what he wants! I feed him every 2 hours overnight at the moment because he's a newborn and that's what you do with a newborn, right? Feed on demand?

So basically, those who raised good sleepers and nightweaned early, any tips? Things to do and at what age?

Definitely some children are naturally better sleepers than others, but I believe you're right OP that there are things parents do to make things worse than they need to be. People are loathe to admit this for some reason? It's a very emotive topic on here.

From my large sample size of two one was naturally a good sleeper the other is naturally a disaster when it came to sleep but there were things I did from birth which made my life significantly easier in the long run.

My number one tip is - put them down to sleep still awake. Now I know if a child has reflux etc this could be an issue as they might scream murder to be in your arms, but assuming that's not the case I would (and did) start this one as soon as you can. It's the single best bit of sleeping advice there is IMO. If a child can drift off to sleep without intervention (rocking/walking/feeding) then they will be able to put themselves back to sleep in the middle of the night without your help and thus you get some decent rest.

Everything else is secondary but consistency, bed time routines, a comforter/little blanket/teddy when the baby's a little older, black out blinds, white noise - all these can set the stage for a good nights sleep and all have been helpful to me.

Best of luck!

@MummyMCM some babies respond well to a routine, definitely. If you have one that does, and you implement one - bingo. Good for you.

But you simply can’t go around saying ANYONE can achieve that. Do you really think those with really poor sleepers haven’t tried routines?

By all means share the experience that worked for you - it will help someone. But don’t make the grandiose claims. It really doesn’t help the tired out parents of poor sleepers to be told they’re just not doing it right.

Thought DD 1 was bad but she started sleeping at 20 months really well. We didn't do anything. However this all pales in to comparison with DD2 she never sleeps 16 months now and a 7 minute recharge lasts hours. Although it's easier as I don't worry as much and I know it's not forever. Here's hoping sleep will return soon for all of us with non sleepers.

Biologically speaking, babies aren't supposed to sleep through from an early age. It's a societal expectation. I mean, you can train them not to bother you when they wake in the night (always makes me think of that nspcc advert- 'Miles is a quiet baby. He's learned that nobody will come whether he cries or not.' Remember that anything involving leaving them to cry for any length of time before six months is damaging to them long-term.

Just enjoy your baby.

Both my girls are good sleepers, going right through the night from 10 weeks old. They're 4.5 and 1.5 and sleep 13 hours, we literally never get up through the night with them. It's probably luck, although we had a general rule where they never slept on us. From day 1 they went into their moses basket to sleep, and if they didn't fall asleep during a feed they were put down awake. I believe that helps self settling from the start, which is key. We've never left them to cry though, they just self settled from the start. Good luck x

ANYONE can have a baby that sleeps well, you just have to find a routine that works for you and stick with it.

That is a harmful lie.

DD was a shocking sleeper, she has ADHD. Of course we had no idea at the time. Ditto children with sensory issues, autism, many other issues that won't be obvious at birth.

We rolled with DD and now she sleeps 11 hours like clockwork at 8. Far better than a lot of her friends who had routines and CIO parents.

Disclaimer I think most of the "sleep science" stuff talked about babies is utter bollocks written to sell books.

That said, I got The No Cry Sleep Solution for Newborns this time and I really enjoyed it and found it very useful.

However my 1yo doesn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time so... 🤷‍♀️ I probably didn't follow the tips very consistently TBF. I like baby cuddles too much and boob is just so brilliant and works. I have no motivation to get them out of my bed because I love them being there and it gets us the most sleep. We did put him in his own room at a year old, and I do wait to see if he will go back to sleep by himself, but I'm not going to do any more involved sleep traning than that. He will get there by himself at some point. He does put himself back to sleep during the night sometimes, so I'm not concerned that he's totally reliant on me or anything.

I never agreed with reading a book right before bed or in bed, I think it makes their mind active and they lie there thinking about the story. I preferred to read with them earlier in the evening.

With DD (only child, so I can't compare) I found it absolutely doesn't matter what I fed her, when I fed her or how the moon/stars/sun was in the sky, she changed sleeping pattern every couple of months.

By 8 weeks she slept from 9pm-4pm, I was lucky if she nodded back until 6am. By 5 months she was suddenly up again around midnight. By 7 months teething kicked in and we had two months of constant issues around 2-4am. Lovely.

Around 9-10 month each night was over at 5am.

When she turned a year she would only sleep with someone else in the room, same with 18 and 24 months. Teething was a constant issue for 2 years until all stupid baby teeth were finally there.

The only thing I could rely on was naps, she loved them. From 5 months she self-taught to nap, 30 min morning, 2 hours lunch 30 min 4.30pm-power nap. With a year it moved to 90 min morning and 2 hours after lunch.

She napped with no problems until she was nearly 4.She is now 12 and still will go up after lunch on a weekend and reads/chill/naps. With 9 she learned to sleep until later than 7am.

Friends had their second DC coming each night into their bed until he started school. Another one had a midnight riser for 2 years foer 2-3 hours each night. Others had early risers of 5am until mid primary school.

You can give it a try but I found going with the flow while keeping a structure is the only way I survived.

I bring them up to the bedroom for the last feed before putting them in the crib. Curtains closed, light off etc. Feed and down into the crib. When awake for night feeds I don't turn on anything that would stimulate the baby, no light or tv. The en suite light is left on all night and that provides enough light. I don't talk to the baby or interact. Feed and back into the crib.
My first would self settle but my second settles in my arms before going down.
My first child slept through the night from 5 weeks, my second was hungrier but has just started sleeping from 9 til 7 and he's just 3 months.

ANYONE can have a baby that sleeps well, you just have to find a routine that works for you and stick with it.

Agree that this is the most ridiculous statement I’ve read on a sleep thread.

Babies wake up for a reason. Waking up every few hours to breastfeed is normal and healthy. Learning to fall asleep is a developmental milestone that can sometimes only come with time. You obviously had a baby that responded to routine well- I don’t know why you’d assume it’s the same for everyone.

Don’t stress yourself, that’s the best tip from my 80 year old granny. Followed by you don’t wake up every two hours for a piece do ye. (Meaning they grow out of it)

Routines are helpful.. more so if you can figure out their longest stretch and sleep then too. Ds’s most important nap is right before bed (ironically that’s now tonight he’s just 6months) if this nap goes to shit he’s up half the night wanting the dummy in n out. If you’re bf’ing it’s hard to tell but I slowly stopped offering bottles he was just “nibbling” on ie a 6oz bottle had 1 or 2 out of it so it was more comfort.. initially it made him wake again quicker than feeding him but he then took 4-5oz and slept longer.

Weve never mastered 7-7 hes 11-7-9. White noise also helps if there’s other noises.

The nights feel long but the years are short.

Sorry @Johnjoeseph but that’s not always the case. Three out of my four have self settled to sleep but they still wanted me when they woke in the night, and still woke regularly through the night. If only it was the magic guarantee it is claimed to be! (They also didn’t sleep through the night any earlier than the one who never self settled)

You can’t change what’s biologically normal. They are supposed to wake up and seek comfort.

1. you can't
2. get a new dream

Oh wait that's just mine. She's 7 YEARS old

DD2 is a better sleeper than DD1. The only things we did differently were we always went up to bed at 7pm (because of toddler dd1) and she is a much better eater. That's all I've got!

I’ve has two excellent sleepers doing 11 hours from 12 weeks. While I suspect there has been a massive element of luck I think I’ve helped things along. I’m very routiney in general and I suspect my children have inherited that gene but also benefit from the routine. I’m also shit at sleep deprivation so it has been a priority as I know I don’t cope well.

I’ve done the following.

1. consistent bedtime routine from 6 weeks. Bath, bed etc at first no books as they couldn’t cope with the extra stimulation and then introducing once they can manage.

2. not keeping them up past 7.30 and spending a lot of time in the first 6 weeks sitting in the dark.

3. doing the drowsy but awake thing from early on and avoiding feeding to sleep where possible.

4. minimal stimulation with night feeding. No tv on etc. Also waiting a few minutes before feeding to try and break feed/sleep associations and to make sure baby is hungry and not just grizzling.

5. lots of tummy time and floor time to make sure they’re active from an early age.

6. prioritising naps and making sure they’re not over tired by avoiding stretching awake times. I always found bad nap days resulted in more challenging nights. If I get the timing right for my baby she just pops off to sleep in her cot. If I leave her too long, she’s far harder to settle.

7. being prepared for them to cry a bit.

But also recognising that it will all go to pot from time to time and even the best sleeper will sometimes need to sleep on you and just be cuddled if they’re in pain or distressed.

"You can’t change what’s biologically normal."

Yes you can, and millions of parents do. Mainly for sanity.

Brilliant advice Userzzzzz.

I did everything on Userzzz's list bar number 7, plus a whole load of other things.

DD didn't sleep through until 2 yo. Why do people think the people with non-sleepers just aren't trying hard enough? It's frankly much more annoying than years of no sleep. That's really quite annoying.

My DD ate everything. Do I think have any good advice for people with fussy eaters? No because I didn't have to deal with one.

MrsTerryPratchett I said there was a massive amount of luck and genetics too. The OP asked for a list of things and I gave my personal experience with no judgement on others.

To be honest though I think the tolerance of crying is a big factor especially with older babies and toddlers. I know I can’t handle sleep deprivation so am slightly hardened to a little bit of crying though I still hate it. My friends with the worst sleepers have never been able to cope with crying and would have made the same choices (not to sleep train) again because their priorities were different.

I did exactly what userzzzzz did too and it worked. Keeping them unstimulated in pitch black from 7pm to 7am regardless of how awake they were is the very first step, in my experience. I have a sample size of 4. 3 of them were sleeping 12 hours from between 2-4 months. One of them took a year as they woke for a night feed due to hunger - but they would feed and go straight back to sleep. Admittedly I had no health issues to deal with like adhd etc. I wasn’t scared of a bit of crying.

One or two people have sad it here but I have found the people who have good sleepers tend in general to allow for a hit of crying or self soothing. We just had one rule in our house and that was no baby in the bed/no sleeping in the babies room.

I think some of it is luck, but there are definitely things you can do to support more indepdent sleep. DD was a truly awful sleeper at first. Would only settle in my arms, woke every hour, needed bf to sleep. (I know this is normal for a lot of newborns, but friends had babies that just slept in their Moses basket and woke for a feed every 4 hours!)

I started roughly following the baby whisperer EASY routine at about 6 weeks, making sure I never fed to sleep in particular. I never left DD, but soothed her by gently patting her. This was easier to gradually wean from than bf. I also switched to formula at around 7 weeks which really helped too I think.

Overall our strategy for sleep was a bit like this:
-dummy

• very tight swaddle
• white noise
• following age appropriate wake times for naps
• pitch black room for all sleeps (DD was a very, very alert and active baby so this really helped us)
• same bedtime routine, with same bath smells and song every night
• getting up at the same time every day, even if knackered! I would also treat any wake before 0630 as a night wake / feed. Whatever sort of night we had, we would be up at 0700 to help set the day up
• I would make morning very clear, curtains opened, chirpy voice etc

She was sleeping 10-7 by 9 weeks old. (She was in our room until 6 months so came to bed with us at 10pm). At 6 months she was sleeping 7.30-7 with a dreamfeed at 10pm.

Once she was around 4 months, her naps sort of consolidated a bit more, so then we were on more of a by the clock routine. It was adjusted as she got older and needed less sleep / naps, but was fantastic as she was never overtired.

She is 2 and a bit now, and still sleeps fantastically (although the nap is on the way out!)

I do think there's no right way, you do what's best for your child, I let DS nap in my arms for months, , let him fall into a routine of his own by about 4 months then mimicked it adding in bath, cuddles bed (he gets too excited by books we do that in the morning now). I didn't put him down awake, I was told I was making a rod for my own back he'd be clingy, because I didn't give him to other people to look after and he's never stayed away from me over night I needed to sleep train etc. He's still asleep now having gone to bed in his own cot at half seven last night. He started nursery art nine months with no fuss at all this week and naps there too. He has slept through most nights other than teething since about 4/5 months. They're only tiny once why make it a battle