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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you still buy your grown up children birthday and/or Christmas’s presents when they have their own children.

67 replies

CBCB7992 · 18/09/2019 16:12

The question says it all ^^ do you still buy your grown up children things when they become parents?

My mum has the opinion that once you have children you shouldn’t expect or buy much for yourself. Of course children should always come first but it sounds extreme to not have anything nice yourself. She doesn’t buy me much for Christmas or Birthday. I don’t expect much but a box of chocs would be appreciated. Funnily enough my grandmother buys for my mum despite her not bothering much with me now I have DC. My mum never buys OH anything for birthdays or Christmas (money isn’t the issue, my siblings without children get loads)

Mil has the opposite view. She buys for all of us. She spends more on me than my own mother does. I don’t expect it but it makes me all emotional that she’s so kind. She usually gives me a £40 voucher at Christmas to spend on myself.

Surely I’m not being unreasonable to feel like my mother doesn’t make much of an effort? I buy her gifts for mother’s day, birthdays and Christmas. She buys DC things (maybe around £30-40 each which is fine), I also buy for my mums partner and my siblings (who don’t buy anything for their nieces and nephews). I’m thinking of not bothering this year. My younger siblings get hundreds spent on them so money isn’t an issue. I don’t have a dad, my mums partner brought me up. I just kinda feel pushed out. I can’t imagine ever not buying anything for my DC.

Aibu? Or do I sound like a spoilt cow??

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 18/09/2019 20:35

My parents and my lovely in-laws are always very kind at Birthdays and Christmas. My parents don’t have a lot of spare money (both retired) but always spend about £30-£40 each on me, my sister, both our husbands and all 4 Grandchildren.
In-laws probably spend quite a lot more but both are equally thoughtful and equally appreciated. DH also has an Aunty, and 2 sets of Grandparents who are very generous and get us gifts and give us money to spend. All the relatives seem to spend equally on the Children and Grandchildren.

tillytrotter1 · 18/09/2019 23:05

We do a secret Santa for the adults simply because it became such a bore looking for presents, it works well, we do buy birthday presents for them all, as well as the children.

Superlooper · 18/09/2019 23:11

I would say gifts are one of your Love Languages.

It's definitely not one of mine. MIL buys all around her, spends a fortune and imo the kids get way too much. We haven't room for all the stuff. We buy for MIL and FIL but they are so hard to buy for.

My dp buy for my dc. Would still buy for us but kinda put a stop to it a few years ago..if we need something we buy it ourselves. Still do a bit of exchanging cash for birthdays which can feel a bit pointless.

I prefer just spending time with my dp...a day out, etc

Superlooper · 18/09/2019 23:13

I was doing a clear out and a lot of the pile was unwanted presents. I would prefer people save their money and the environment!

Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2019 23:33

I think people se eit differently. DM buys me a present (as well as do and the dc), dmil only gives a token for the dc.

TooManyPaws · 18/09/2019 23:43

I think that's weird, personally. My parents gave me and each other presents at birthdays and Christmas till they died in their 80s, as well as their siblings. I gave them presents likewise. Obviously the presents changed as the years went on and sometimes my parents agreed to spend the money for their presents to each other on something big and joint, but there was always something, if only a box of jelly babies or a bunch of flowers as an acknowledgement of a special date.

stucknoue · 19/09/2019 00:06

My mum spends equal on us, she checks!

Neveam · 19/09/2019 00:29

Everyone should get something, especially on their birthday.
Shouldn't matter if you have kids or not. I don't understand what kids have got to do with your own birthday?
If it's money issues kids come first, but if not then it's an odd way to think.

TheKarateKitty · 19/09/2019 02:58

My parents gift me money in a card. Same for my boys (teen and almost a teen), or have them pick out something online and order it for them.

I do like to surprise gift people now and then when I find something that is perfect for them, and I have no plans on stopping gifts to my children when they become adults and have their own kids. I think that would be odd.
YANBU

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/09/2019 03:23

I do buy something for my two oldest (in their 30's with their own children) and they buy something for me -- birthdays and Christmas.
They do something for Mother's Day and I do something for their Anniversaries. It may be just a greeting card with a gift card to a
meal out, or a gift card for their favorite store. I do a personalized homemade birthday cake for everyone's birthday. They tell me their favorite and I make it. It's a family tradition.

longwayoff · 19/09/2019 06:48

Who's counting? That's very sad.

Passthecake30 · 19/09/2019 06:58

My mum is the same as yours. So I've had nothing from her for 11years, aside from when it was my 40th and she gave me a box of chocolates. Dps mum gives us a voucher/present costing around £25 at bdays, and gets us a joint present at Xmas (usually something we've asked for like a toaster/towels, and wine).
I give my mum a present for her bday and Xmas, and it does feel wierd at Xmas when presents are exchanged. Kids and her are opening presents, and dp and I are sat there empty handed. Even a bottle of bubble bath would be nice!

RedSheep73 · 19/09/2019 07:18

Your mum is weird. Your family are your family no matter what age or life stage you are at. Unless there are very tough financial decisions to be made, your mum should celebrate your birthday the same, children or not.

JaceLancs · 19/09/2019 07:57

Yes I can’t imagine not buying presents
DM is 80 and still gives DB and SIL and me presents - we all have adult DC

icanhearapindrop · 19/09/2019 12:42

I get money for my birthday, nothing for Christmas. Randomly got nothing for my birthday this year though. I wouldn’t mind, but I know my brother, and my husband got gifts for their birthdays!

icanhearapindrop · 19/09/2019 12:43

And I still buy gifts for my DM!

Paintedmaypole · 19/09/2019 12:49

Birthday presents, yes, try to get something nice. Christmas, they asked for a no presents for adults rule, so we don't buy for each other and only children get presents.

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