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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you still buy your grown up children birthday and/or Christmas’s presents when they have their own children.

67 replies

CBCB7992 · 18/09/2019 16:12

The question says it all ^^ do you still buy your grown up children things when they become parents?

My mum has the opinion that once you have children you shouldn’t expect or buy much for yourself. Of course children should always come first but it sounds extreme to not have anything nice yourself. She doesn’t buy me much for Christmas or Birthday. I don’t expect much but a box of chocs would be appreciated. Funnily enough my grandmother buys for my mum despite her not bothering much with me now I have DC. My mum never buys OH anything for birthdays or Christmas (money isn’t the issue, my siblings without children get loads)

Mil has the opposite view. She buys for all of us. She spends more on me than my own mother does. I don’t expect it but it makes me all emotional that she’s so kind. She usually gives me a £40 voucher at Christmas to spend on myself.

Surely I’m not being unreasonable to feel like my mother doesn’t make much of an effort? I buy her gifts for mother’s day, birthdays and Christmas. She buys DC things (maybe around £30-40 each which is fine), I also buy for my mums partner and my siblings (who don’t buy anything for their nieces and nephews). I’m thinking of not bothering this year. My younger siblings get hundreds spent on them so money isn’t an issue. I don’t have a dad, my mums partner brought me up. I just kinda feel pushed out. I can’t imagine ever not buying anything for my DC.

Aibu? Or do I sound like a spoilt cow??

OP posts:
Aragog · 18/09/2019 17:14

My parents still but for me and my siblings, for me dh and BIL AND our children.
Dh's parents are the same. We buy for parents, adult siblings and nieces/nephews. My grandparents give birthday and Christmas gifts to our parents.

I don't intend to stop buying gifts for Dd when she becomes an adult though I imagine the amounts spent on her will reduce as she gets older, especially when she has a family.

Samsamsuperman · 18/09/2019 17:15

My parents stopped buying me birthday presents when I was 21, 10 years before I had my first child.

I will buy my kids birthday presents until the day I die personally.

CheeryB · 18/09/2019 17:17

My mil buys me a Xmas gift but my mother never did after I turned 15 and started work. I never really thought about it at the time. People had less money and once you worked you had your own money. If I'd bought her or my dad a gift they'd have thought it odd.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2019 17:18

My daughters 22 I will buy her presents and spoil her as long as I am able. I would also do the same for grandkids.

I can't imagine stopping buying my own child birthday or Xmas presents. She's still my child no matter how old she is.

Windydaysuponus · 18/09/2019 17:19

My adult dc get a few personal gifts and a few house items - usually they choose!
Dgc a small gift as other dgm goes ott...
Younger dc surprises...
Stockings for all my dc..

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/09/2019 17:22

We all buy for each other and at whatever budget makes sense for each of us, so the less money you have the less you spend with a slight Robin Hood vibe.

shearwater · 18/09/2019 17:23

My mum does, yes. MIL does stockings still and does one for me. I'm 44.

Starlight39 · 18/09/2019 17:24

Birthdays we still do nice gifts for adults/parents. For Christmas we usually have an agreed policy among the whole family of only buying for the children. It's so much easier!

user1472709746 · 18/09/2019 17:25

I'm over 30 with kids and my mum still makes me a stocking from Santa lol

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 18/09/2019 17:26

YANBU it's unfair your siblings get gifts and you don't. Do you get your mum a birthday or Christmas gift?

EmrysAtticus · 18/09/2019 17:26

I will never not give my DS birthday and Christmas gifts.

FilthyforFirth · 18/09/2019 17:38

Such a weird concept. It's not like you have stopped being their child. I would be gutted if my parents didnt me anything. I'm mid 30s

Anothernotherone · 18/09/2019 17:41

I'm mid 40s and have 3 children - my parents usually put money in my account for my birthday. I buy them both presents. They're very comfortably off, with far more disposable income than me if that's relevant but they've never spent hundreds on presents for us at any age or life stage - usually about £50, which is also about what I spend on each of them and the same as they spend on their grandchildren.

My parents don't buy for my DH and never did for boyfriends when I was younger, though my mother is a big greetings card sender and always sends a card. My in-laws have always given me cash in a card (was a boxof chocolate or similar before we were married though I think). So giving to in-laws is different between our families. The kids used to get a lot of presents from the in-laws when my mil was alive but FIL now gives them cash in a card.

My siblings all have children and we buy for one another's children not one another - when some were childless and some not we bought for the childless adults but not those with children. It gets silly otherwise with sheer volume IMO. We don't buy for DH's siblings (childless) and they no longer buy for our children nor us. When mil was alive we used to see DH's siblings at Christmas and then we bought for them and they bought for our children.

I'm not a big fan of buying token gifts for long lists of adults personally - it's a lot of waste and expense when it's all at the level of 3 for 2 toiletry gift sets or novelty items/ socks and similar...

However not buying for your own children and grandchildren and your own parents unless you're in a tricky financial situation seems plain mean.

I guess everyone has different versions of normal, but if your mum doesn't buy for you because you have children she should surely be spending the same (roughly) on your children as your siblings - if she spends hundreds on each of your siblings, nothing on you and £40 on your children her rationale is deeply flawed and you are not unreasonable to feel rejected IMO. If she spends the same on your children as your siblings then that's fair, though I see your point about a token box of chocolates as she's your own mother!

Purplequalitystreet · 18/09/2019 18:11

I don't get the whole "just buy for the children" thing. I can understand that Christmas can get expensive, but how do you teach children the importance of giving if they only ever receive and never have to think of gifts for anyone else? I'm pregnant with my first and plan to involve him in the Christmas shopping for everyone else as soon as he is old enough. It's part of Christmas. We do restrict our budget to £20ish per adult, but I take pride in choosing thoughtful presents for people and want my child to do the same

Anothernotherone · 18/09/2019 18:32

Purplequalitystreet my children buy for one another of their own free will according to their ability and income - eldest has an allowance and will spend 5-10€ on the youngest but he only has a little bit of pocket money and will buy her some sweets for 1€. Nobody has ever told or trained them to do it, they started all by themselves. They make things for DH and I.

I'm not sure what buying token presents for lots of adults would do to teach children about except conspicuous over consumption.

Anothernotherone · 18/09/2019 18:33

*about anything except conspicuous over consumption.

Shelby30 · 18/09/2019 19:06

We still get £2-300 from each set of parents plus presents worth about £100 each. They also buy the kids presents worth about £100-£150 per child. Very generous.

My parents actually used to give me £600 plus presents which was insane as they aren't wealthy in any way, income way below average. Change of circumstances now, Dad doesn't work due to illness and mum only works part time. I tell her not to give us so much but she loves Christmas and giving lots 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I dont think ur unreasonable or spoiled to hope for a nice gift for ur birthday or xmas. If it really is all about the kids then u shld only but her a little something from the kids.

Taswama · 18/09/2019 19:43

We get presents from our DPs. Mine will get something small for DP and a bigger present for me. DPILs are the same in reverse. We stopped buying for siblings at Christmas when DC arrived but still buy for birthdays. My mum still sends cards to her nieces and nephews but no longer presents. I got cards from my aunt and uncles for my big birthday recently but nothing from the BILs and SILs as DP (partner not parents) didn’t bother to tell them.

BeepBeeep · 18/09/2019 20:11

Yes I do.
I buy Xmas and birthday presents for mine, their partners and the grandkids.
My parents still buy Xmas and birthday presents for me, my siblings and their spouses and we're all grandparents ourselves.

MazDazzle · 18/09/2019 20:20

My DM doesn’t buy me anything for my birthday or Christmas. I didn’t even get a text last year. It’s a bit miserable on her part. I’m in my 30s and buy her gifts/cake/flowers. I have 3 kids. For their birthdays/Christmas she puts money in a card.

itbemay1 · 18/09/2019 20:21

My DM and MIL buy me and my DCs lovely gifts. I would do the same for my DC and grandchildren if they have them

RaininSummer · 18/09/2019 20:30

I can't imagine not choosing things for my grown up daughters. Also wouldn't it be weird if one had children and one didn't and only one received gifts ?

RaininSummer · 18/09/2019 20:31

I can't imagine not choosing things for my grown up daughters. Also wouldn't it be weird if one had children and one didn't and only one received gifts ?

fromthefloorboardsup · 18/09/2019 20:35

I don't have children but my grandparents always bought my parents presents as well as us. My grandad gives money now and he gives more to my mum and dad than to the grandchildren.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 18/09/2019 20:35

I'm in my 70s, with AC in their 40s. Of course I buy for them - they're still my children..!
I buy for DC's partners, DGC - and for DILs family (who are lovely, we see a lot of, they treat us as family - and they buy for us). Not huge presents, just a little token of appreciation for all their friendship.
But I still buy DC several presents each - ranging from small silly traditions that have grown up over the years (e.g. silly socks for DS) to larger items that they've put on their wish lists.

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